It Never Ends

I've been having a rough week. It's been physically and emotionally stressful. I've been recovering from minor surgery, which in itself has gone quite well but being less active and more restricted seems to have added to the emotional upheaval. The emotional mess has been caused by so many things I haven't even been able to sort it out fully -- and today more was added.

Here are a few causes of this week's stress that I've been able to identify:

1. The surgery & recovery itself. I had a tubal ligation, which is minor but it is abdominal surgery and takes some time to mend.
2. The reasons for the surgery. I elected to have this surgery for a number of reasons but partly so that if my husband ever decided to have sex with me without my knowledge/consent again, I will have one less thing to worry about. No one should have to list this as a reason.
3. I am alone. I had my best friend spend the day with me on the day of the procedure but once I was back home, she had her own family to take care of. Yes, I was fine. Yes, I can do things on my own. But sometimes it would be really nice to have someone here to take care of me so that I don't have to do it all alone and to have someone to hold me when I'm not feeling strong. 
4. My husband's cousin died this week from cancer. I didn't know him well but he left a wife and 2 teenaged kids behind. 
5. His death brought up grief from my sister. Again. It hasn't been horrible, but it's been hanging over me and weighing me down.
6. My uncle had a heart attack and likely won't come out of the hospital. I am now anticipating news of his death, which is causing my mind to replay the moment my brother-in-law called to tell me my sister had died. Over and over again.

I am so tired of having people die all around me all the time. Shall I summarize the past year (and a bit) for you, in case you haven't been keeping track?

• December 2012: my cousin, Beth, died. Age 54.
• June 2013: my uncle, Leo, died. Age 80-something.
• September 2013: my sister, Joan, died. Age 44.
• December 2013: family friend, Elouise, died. Age 44.
• January 2014: cousin-in-law, Joost, died. Age mid-40's.

I can't take much more of this. Seriously.

The worst part is that I haven't had much of anything positive going on to balance all this negativity. I'm still in a marriage I don't want to be in with no sign of that changing anytime soon. I still have no job, no clients and therefore no money of my own. I have no friends here to go out with to have a beer or go dancing with or do whatever with to forget about my worries for a while. You know, if I could actually ever go out without worrying about leaving my kids at home alone.

Yes, I know I'm supposed to focus on the positive and not dwell on the negative. It's just really, really hard to do that sometimes.

Fear Revisited

Earlier today, my husband tried to touch me and I was afraid. The gesture was innocent enough but I can't deny how it made me feel. Nor can I deny that feeling that way has been a stark reminder of the fucked up situation I am in - and have been in - for years. I am trapped in a marriage and a life I don't want to be in and I can see no way out. I fear that by the time I do find a way out, I will be irrevocably damaged.

I am, of course, already damaged. Having been in this situation for years already has done a tremendous amount of harm that I have been trying to fix, particularly over the past year or two. A small part of me clings to the hope that by then end of it all - if it ever does actually end - I will actually be stronger. You know the old adage: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Unfortunately, tonight it feels more like it's going to kill me.

I don't want to continue to be in a marriage in which I am afraid of my husband. I've been afraid of him for years to varying degrees and for various (emotional and physical) reasons. This changes and fluctuates over time but remains ever present. Unfortunately, there is no way out. The reasons for this are also varied and change over time but the situation remains constant: I am trapped. I am trapped by my husband and by circumstances beyond my control. No matter which way I turn, I can see no escape.

Although it has been this way for years, concrete reminders such as the one I had today, are never enjoyable. I spent hours today in tears of frustration, anger, and hopelessness. The tears won't change anything, I know, but right now crying is all I can do.

The past five years have been an emotional roller coaster. This past year has sucked exponentially in so many ways. It's been emotionally overwhelming and devastating. As the year comes to a close, I feel like I am at the end of my emotional rope. (I have spent two days in tears this week alone.) For the past few years I've thought that things would have to start improving but to my dismay, they have continued to get worse. Something has got to turn around soon, doesn't it? Astrology works in 7-year cycles, meaning I've got another 2 years left in this one. I have no idea how I'm going to get through it. I have no idea how I'm going to get out of this marriage, this life and this misery. I know what I want -- I just need the Universe to help me get there. Please.

Fraud

A few days ago I had a grief attack - when the grief hits suddenly and hard and sticks around for a while. These are, thankfully, happening less often but they're still serious when they do hit. This one had me crying in the middle of the grocery store to begin with, but it wasn't until later that night that it really took hold and I cried gut-wrenching sobs for over an hour.

When the crying ceased and my tears had dried, I started looking at some old pictures from when my sister and I were kids. Since then, I haven't been able to shake the feeling that my whole childhood was a fraud. There I was in the photos - young and innocent and impressionable - with this older sister. Older sisters are supposed to look after you and pick on you and make you eat their vegetables and all sorts of other things. Most importantly, they're not supposed to die.

My sister and I were not overly close as children or as adults, but we were close enough for it to matter.

But here I am now, looking back, wondering why. Why did it matter? Why is she gone? Why was I allowed to have her in the first place? I feel like Jim Carrey's character in the movie, The Truman Show, where he grows up on a reality show but thinking it's real life. At some point he figures it out and realizes his whole life has been a fraud. That's how I feel. My whole life I've believed that I had a sister that I thought I would have forever (or at least until we were really old).

It was all just one big lie.

Stupid Cancer, Part 14

The last time I wrote, I began by wishing that I could soon stop writing about this topic. It seems my wish was granted, but not exactly in the way I'd hoped. You see, my sister passed away exactly one month ago.

I've considered writing many times in the past month but I couldn't. The pain and the sadness was too fresh and overwhelming. I needed to sit with it a while. I am reminded of Oriah Mountain Dreamer's poem, The Invitation...

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

That is what I have spent most of the past month doing: sitting with my pain, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. At least as much as I could. There were times when I had to function and I would put my grief aside, but it would always come back. It still does. Every now and then something will remind me of my sister. It's often something small or relatively insignificant, like piano sheet music or Hershey's Kisses. It's not looking at photos or talking about her, likely because I am aware of the emotions that will elicit and I can prepare myself for them. When these unexpected reminders occur, I am usually taken back to the moment that I found out that she died and I am overcome with sadness and loss and tears. I know that someday those moments will also subside and that I will be left mostly with just memories.

My sister died quickly. Her health had been steadily and rapidly declining all summer. There were the brain tumours and then we found out about a spinal tumour (which was causing her paralysis) and then there were apparently some lung tumours that I hadn't even really been told about. The cancer was spreading quickly and vehemently. However, she was not yet at a point where they had stopped her treatment or were talking about hospice care. She and my brother-in-law had made some funeral plans but I don't think they'd done much more than that in terms of preparing for her death. She was in declining health but no one expected her to die when she did. I suppose that is a blessing. We didn't have to deal with a long, drawn out, steady decline. There were no hospital visits, no difficult decisions to be made. In the grand scheme of things, she went the best way. For her. She avoided the suffering, but none of us were prepared.

It was Labour day. She was sitting in the living room with her family and suddenly said to her husband that she felt faint. He went to help her lie down and she stopped breathing. He did CPR and the paramedics did what they could but they weren't able to resuscitate her.

On my end, it went like this: I got a phone call shortly after 4 pm from my mother. She said that my BIL had just called, that my sister had stopped breathing and they were on the way to the hospital. My parents were going to meet them there. I wasn't sure how dire the situation was and my sister had had breathing issues before. I was worried, but I was somehow under the impression that she'd stopped breathing temporarily. About an hour later, my BIL called me to say that my sister had died. It was the worst phone call I've ever received and it put me straight into shock. Obviously, everyone in the room could tell it was a bad conversation. I hung up the phone and blurted, "She died." That was really not the best way to tell my 11-year-old daughter that her aunt had passed away, but there is no thinking in times like that. You brain is a swirling bright light, you're trying to stay conscious, you're trying to comprehend what just happened, you're trying to find words and get them out. It was all I could do.

Luckily, my best friend happened to be visiting that day. She, her husband and their two kids stopped in for dinner and a short visit on their way through town. They arrived about 10 minutes before the first phone call. I was so glad to have had her here throughout it all, and, of all my friends who live around here, she's known me the longest. We've been friends since we were 14; since we all lived at home with our siblings and parents. I was glad to have had someone here who knew my sister.

The next couple of hours were chaotic. I was still trying to make dinner (we all had to eat and I had already started) but there were phone calls and texts and questions and comforting my kids and simply trying to grasp the utter magnitude of what had happened.

I'm still trying to grasp what has happened. I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that my sister isn't there anymore, that I'm an only child, that my BIL is a single parent, that my nieces (aged 13 & 17) don't have a mom, that my parents have lost their eldest, most beloved child. It's hard to understand.

These first few weeks following her death were mostly spent dealing with the shock, but I'm sure as time goes on, I'll begin to notice her absence even more and begin to miss her even more. For example, next weekend is Thanksgiving. As is customary, we're all getting together for dinner. While it's important for us to be together as a family, it's also going suck tremendously that my sister won't be there. And Christmas will be the same thing. And so on.

So, even though this is my last Stupid Cancer post, it's really not, because every post and everything I do from now on will bear the mark of Stupid Cancer. Because Stupid Cancer has taken my sister.

Stupid Cancer, Part 13 (and other stuff)

Oh, how I would like to stop writing about this topic. I recently discovered a charity (thanks to Stephen Amell from the tv show "Arrow") with the best name ever. It's called "Fuck Cancer". They throw kick-ass parties to kick cancer's ass (their words, not mine) which also engages the younger generation in the cause. But really, it also just sums up what anybody who has ever been touched by the disease is feeling: Fuck Cancer. Seriously.

The latest update, nicely summed up, is that my dad is doing well and my sister is not. My dad went for his 6-month post-treatment check-up (CT scan & blood work) and he appears to be cancer free. Yay! He's feeling good, playing golf and has gained back about half of the 30-some pounds he lost after his surgery last summer.

My sister doesn't have such great news. She has a new brain tumour, which was causing some issues with her balance. Also, she has completely lost the use of her legs. I think this is due to a brain tumour as well but I'm not really sure about that. She doesn't want to know so I don't get much information from her and, well, basically I'm just kind of confused about the information I got from my BIL. I know I don't know what's causing the problem, but I'm unsure if the doctors even know what's causing the problem. She did go in for some radiation and more tests and doctor's appointments are scheduled. Hopefully we'll get some answers soon. Part of the problem is that nobody seems to know if this is a temporary thing or a permanent thing (or if it will get worse). So, for now, my BIL is doing everything to help my sister around. What they need is some professional help: a PSW and, soon, a PT. They can't keep on doing this on their own. It's not good for anybody. Luckily, my sister is in great spirits and has been able to stay positive and keep her sense of humour. Attitude is half the battle and she's got that in spades.

Needless to say, I'm really, really worried about her and what this newest development might mean in the grand scheme of things. When I first learned about the new brain tumour a few weeks ago, it hit me pretty hard. This is the 2nd time in 9 months - while on chemo - that they've found brain tumours. No matter how you look at it, it's not good. We've had scary diagnoses before & they've been managed/overcome. But they're coming quicker and faster and harder all the time. And this last one has been a huge reality check that my sister is not just fighting cancer, she's fighting for her life!

To make it worse, there is absolutely nothing I can do. Sure, I can do little things like take her kids for a few days here or there and I can visit (distraction is often as good as anything else I could physically do). But nothing I do is going to change the situation or make her better. By nature, I am a helper (and a healer) and it is so very hard for me to be so helpless and feel so useless. I am not by nature a worrier, but I find myself worrying a lot these days, which is not helpful for either of us. The worst of it is that I am terribly afraid that things are going to keep getting worse and no one will be able to do anything about it. It sucks.

I have also been feeling very helpless and useless in other ways, particularly on the job front. Tomorrow marks our 1-year anniversary since we moved (back) to Canada and for all practical reasons, I am no further ahead job-wise than I was a year ago. I own my own business and some people have heard of it/me but I still don't have any paying clients. I'm still not making any money. And despite going through phases of applying for jobs working for other people, I haven't been able to find one. I am beyond frustrated. Especially because this keeps me trapped & reliant upon my husband's income.

At the same time, I have noticed that I am also somewhat fussy when it comes to looking for work. I am desperate to make my own money but at the same time I don't want to get a job that I don't like or that will keep me away from my kids too much. Simply put, I would like a daytime job in the healthcare field but since those seem scarce, I have to decide what is more important: the money/independence or my kids. I really don't know what to do. I keep hoping & trusting that the Universe has a Plan and that Things Will Happen The Way They Are Supposed To Happen but it's so hard to wait for everything to work itself out. I've been waiting for things to change for *so* long and I'm just so damn impatient for the changes to happen. So much of my life sucks so much right now. I need things to change. Soon.

On the bright side, the detox diet I've been on for the past 2 months is going incredibly well. I feel so much clearer and healthier, mentally, emotionally & physically. The mental haze I lived with my whole life is gone (I had no idea it was there until it lifted) and I feel more emotionally stable. Even now when my life is sucky and I'm not dealing with it very well, it's not the all-encompassing doom that would take hold of me for days as it did in the past. I have bad days but I don't feel like I'm going to start on the downward spiral into the abyss. Now, it's more like a (sometimes overwhelming) dark cloud, but I know it will dissipate in a day or two. Also, I've lost 11 lbs so far (yay!) and I imagine that this trend will continue for as long as I continue to eat this way. In another month I can start adding various things back into my diet, but I think that by then I won't want to or be able to. For example, the other day my daughter made cupcakes. I had a small bite of one and the sugar nearly made me gag. It literally burned my throat all the way down! Horrible! I've also learned that I don't need to eat nearly as much if what I'm eating is real food. At least food and what I put into my body is one thing I can control in this dismal life of mine!

If anyone reads this, please wish me well & wish for positive change to find me. I'm ready for it.

Changes

As expected, last week sucked. As a result, I am emotionally drained and completely exhausted. I am starting to feel less so now that it's Wednesday, but it's been a slow recovery.

Last week, as I mentioned, my uncle passed away. I went to his funeral and it was good to see family, especially one fairly reclusive cousin I haven't seen in at least 5 years. My aunt and cousins were all glad to have me there. Yesterday was my uncle's birthday and I still can't really believe he's gone.

We went to visit another uncle while we were in town. He has Parkinson's and is not doing well at all. He'd just gotten home from the hospital so at least we got to visit him & my aunt at home. Unfortunately, he didn't know who my sister or I were. He is also fairly reclusive, we have never spent much time with him and I haven't seen him for a few years but it was a testimony to how advanced his Parkinson's has become. He is also about half the size he used to be, both in weight and stature. He did, however, know my mom (his youngest sister) and we had a fairly nice visit with my aunt, with my uncle remembering to show us a 60-year-old photo he recently found of himself and his dad. I mentioned in my last post about bad things coming in threes and wondering who the third will be. I may have the answer.

The trip up to the funeral was also, um, interesting. My sister and I had decided to drive up to the funeral together but my dad decided it was a waste of gas and money to take two cars. So my sister and I drove to their house and we all drove the 3.5-hour trip from there together. It was also decided that we were all going to stay in the same hotel room, again for the sake of economy. I did think of getting my own room at about 10 pm but stuck it out & survived a night sharing a bed with my sister, two feet away from where my parents were sleeping. I slept in the car part of the way home the next day, if only for a bit of an escape.

My mother's mental health (ie. her memory) drives me crazy. I should be more understanding and compassionate but I'm not. Most of the things she says, even when not a memory fault, are inane or just complete fabrication, speculation and stupidity. It sounds harsh, I know, but I am having a really, really, hard time being around her. And it shows. I contradict and correct just about everything she says and I have no patience with her. I think that if she would just accept that her memory is failing and get some help, I would have more patience and empathy for her.

Too add more stress to last week, my husband was visiting. He currently lives in Mexico while the children & I live in Canada. Our relationship is strained, to say the least.

On the bright side, my birthday was last week so there was a little spark of brightness. A girlfriend took me to a tea room for lunch, where they have the most amazing shortbread scones (served with Devon cream and jam, of course). Then my 11-year-old daughter arranged a surprise dinner party with my two closest girlfriends and their kids. We all went to a really nice restaurant, where my friend's brother-in-law is a chef. The food was excellent, we had a private space for all of us and we had a very nice time.

Also, on my birthday, I met with a nutritionist and got her recommendations for a new diet plan. The plan is, well, restrictive. We are attempting to work on various health issues I already knew about, plus a couple of more that came up in the testing she did (which consisted of her asking me a gazillion questions). This is what my new diet looks like:

- for Candida, a 3-month detox: no sugar or yeast  Be wary of tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, paprika & eggplant. Avoid dried & canned fruit/juice, melons, mushrooms/truffles, peanuts & pistachios, pickles, condiments, vinegar.
- for egg allergy: no eggs
- for possible sulphite allergy related to egg allergy (resulting in depression): no wine, no garlic or onion, vegetables should be cooked to remove natural sulphites.
- for possible dairy sensitivity (resulting in rosacea): no dairy
- for PCOS: no gluten, preservatives, sweeteners, chemical additives or meat. Cold water fish allowed 3 times/week and if meat is desired, only organic meat once/week.
- for dysglycemia (high risk of diabetes): no white sugar, white flour or their products. Fruits & vegetables should have a low Glycemic Index.
- for high risk of cancer: no preservatives, artificial colours, nitrates, nitrites or synthetic additives.
- no caffeine or alcohol for 3 months

- take supplements: Multivitamin, Vitamin C, Evening Primrose Oil, Olive Leaf & Probiotics
- have a whey protein shake every day

Some of this (the Candida part, no caffeine or alcohol) is for the 3-month detox period. Most of it should be a lifetime commitment. It's pretty drastic, but it's for my own well-being in the end. Some of it is easier to do than others and some things are easier to avoid than others. For example, it's easy to avoid eggs & dairy, not so easy to avoid onions & garlic. I've been trying to follow this for the past week as best I can and I have to admit that I have noticed some changes already: my rosacea is clearing up, my digestion has improved & I feel lighter as a result. I haven't yet lost any weight, but I imagine that will be a welcome by-product of this diet. I am really looking forward to seeing how this will affect my mood and overall health in a couple of months. None of the conditions I have are life-threatening (although the egg allergy is pretty bad) so if I "cheat" every now and then, it won't have drastic consequences. However, I will very likely come to notice that my body will react more sensitively to foods when I do cheat and I will be aware of the way those foods make me feel.

Hopefully, all things considered, I will be feeling better soon.

Stupid Cancer, Part 12

My favourite uncle passed away this weekend. From cancer. He'd beaten lung cancer a couple of years ago but it came back. At the age of 84 with a decade of health concerns behind him and after years of living in near constant pain, he decided to forego treatment. I found out about this last week and had barely come to terms it when he died.

His birthday was this month and I was going to call him (but he died before I could). My birthday is tomorrow and having our birthdays in the same month is one of the things that bonded us. That and a running joke for the past 25 years or so that he was my favourite uncle and I was his favourite niece. It's irrelevant whether that was true or not, but it was our little inside joke. Truth be told, he *was* my favourite uncle on my Mom's side of the family. He was loud and robust and funny and always making jokes. He was opinionated and set in his ways and got up way too early in the morning. He was the crazy uncle amongst the quiet ones. He stood out -- in a good way.

My favourite uncle on my Dad's side died maybe 10 years ago. Of esophageal cancer. He was my Dad's older brother. He had a blind, wonky eye from when he fell out of a highchair when he was a baby and he could whistle in the coolest way. He, too, had a good sense of humour and looked a lot like my Dad.

I've decided I'm not going to choose any more favourite uncles. It's not working out for me very well.

Now that I think about it, I've had three uncles die. All from cancer. Stupid cancer.

I have also been thinking that this is the 2nd death in my family in the past 6 months. Things often happen in threes so I'm kind of dreading the next 6 months and crossing my fingers that that really is nothing more than a superstition.

I went to my cousin's funeral in December primarily to see all my aging aunts and uncles and the rest of the family I rarely get to see. I'm glad I did, as it was the last time I got to see my favourite uncle. I'm going to his funeral this week, too, and while it will be good to see family again, it's also too soon to be seeing them again under similar circumstances. On the bright side, my husband is visiting this week so I can do this little funeral road trip without having to drag the kids along. I'll also get to spend lots of quality time with my sister, as we're carpooling on the 7-hour return trip.

While I'm trying to look for the positives, the fact remains that today I am sad. Beyond that, I recognize it and I am allowing myself to feel that way. And I'm ok with that.

Stupid Cancer, Part 11

I didn't include a cancer update in my last post so thought I should add it, in case any of you are following. Things have improved and my family is back to dealing with one cancer patient again. Yay!

My Dad had his colonoscopy reversal surgery in March and is now pretty much fully recovered. He's out golfing again and is ready to enjoy an active summer after sitting on his butt for the better part of a year. He goes back for a routine check up in July, which is 6 months since the end of his chemo treatment.

My sister's cancer is stable. There are still some stubborn "spots" on her liver, which refuse to go away. On the bright side, they're not growing but they're not shrinking either. Because there hasn't been any change despite continued chemotherapy treatments, her doctor decided to switch things up and enrolled her in a clinical trial for a new drug. This new drug is a "smart drug" which is designed to target only cancer cells. As such, it is something like 500 times more potent than regular chemo. It also is supposed to have fewer side effects -- like her hair might grow back in. She is very excited to have been accepted into the study (she's one of five people at that hospital) and should be starting treatment soon. She's been able to have a month or so treatment free while she changes programs, which she really needed. Being on chemo for over a year has been really difficult. She's exhausted and fatigued all the time and lost 20 lbs, purely due to lack of appetite. We're all hoping the new drug will a) be more effective at treating the cancer and b) won't be so hard on her. Fingers crossed!

And fingers crossed that I can soon stop writing "Stupid Cancer" updates!

Frustrations

It's been 2 months since I've written. That's a long time but, unfortunately, there's not a whole lot to report on. I've been busy and have completely lost all my creativity and the desire to write. I've been using a lot more of my left brain and my right brain is paying the price.

Last time I wrote, I said thing were good. I suppose in the grand scheme of things they still are. At least in the sense that I'm not depressed. I have the odd bad day and sometimes I cry, but then I get over it and carry on. It's kind of nice to feel like I have somewhat normal emotions and that even the bad ones don't completely overwhelm me -- or at least not for long.

That said, I'm not quite as good as I was the last time I wrote. This is due in large part to being frustrated by almost every aspect of my life at every turn. Things are not going the way I want them to or, at least, they're not going as quickly as I want/need them to.

There are two things vying for top at the list of Completely Frustrating Things, which can be generally summed up as "career" and "relationship". Let's begin alphabetically with "career". As I probably mentioned last time, I have been trying to set up 2 businesses simultaneously. What I have learned is that this doesn't work. I can only focus on one thing at a time. So for a few months, I was busy with the jewellery thing and then I switched my focus to the reiki/energy healing thing. Currently, neither of them are doing anything. I have concluded that I'm really not enough of a salesperson to really do the direct sales thing successfully. I totally enjoy the jewellery and all that goes with it, but I'm not enough of a go-getter to really make it work. As for the reiki business, I've been officially up & running for 4 months and I've yet to have a client (not counting my friend next door). I have been networking like crazy and attending seminars but still nothing. I finally have a website up, which should help some, but I suppose what I really need to do is advertise. I so wish I had a marketing budget! I also wish there was something like a local holistic health magazine in which to advertise. I know that I am learning a lot about running a business and I am definitely learning how to network (still room for improvement there) but it is still so very frustrating to be working all the time and to have nothing to show for it! I have also been applying for part-time jobs but have had no luck finding anything. Apparently I am un-hireable. I have considered consulting with a career/resume coach I met about 6 months ago to see if she can tell me what I'm doing wrong. Of course, I would have to pay her for her expertise and I'm not even sure I *want* a job. On the one hand, I do because it would give me some kind of steady income while I build my business and it would help build my resume for any future work I might want. On the other hand, I really just want my reiki business to do well so I want to spend my time focusing on that. If only I were actually qualified to do massage in Ontario, I could get a job doing that and it might even help build my reiki business at the same time!

The second Completely Frustrating Thing was called "relationship". Mostly what I mean by this is marriage, and the fact that my husband is unwilling to end ours. It's a complicated situation, with me living in Canada and him living in Mexico. I think we get along well enough to go through the process amicably but he doesn't want to cooperate. He also holds all the money and, therefore, pretty much all of the power in our relationship. Also, I *really* want to avoid international legal battles, especially considering I'm trying to do something that should be quite simple. People get divorced all the time -- it's not rocket science. So, while I try to figure out how to do this the simplest and best way, time ticks away and I am still stuck in an emotionally abusive marriage with no hope of getting out anytime soon.

On top of all of this, and perhaps because of it, I have been very homesick for Michigan lately. I miss my office, I miss my school & the apprenticing I did there, I miss having a circle of like-minded people to hang out with. I miss having happy, busy, social kids. I miss their school and all the events and activities that went along with them going there.

Perhaps the most frustrating thing of all is knowing what I want my life to be like -- and not being able to make it so. I know it takes patience and perseverance but I am so tired of living in transition. I am *so* ready to move on to the next phase of my life and I wish it would hurry up & get here.

Things are Good

I talked to my Doctor today. Since we just moved here, this was only the second time I've seen him but I must say that I really like him. Nice guy and very thorough, which is a good combination for a doctor. He's kinda cute, too :) Anyways, today we were discussing how I am feeling. I'd weaned myself off the antidepressants & he wanted to make sure that it went well and that I was feeling ok. So I told him, "things are good" -- because they are.

Which is kind of weird for me. It's been a long time since I've felt this positive about Life in General. Of course, not everything is perfect, but I like where I am and that I can see that I'm headed in the right direction. Finally.

I'm crazy busy, which I love. I'm probably not as productive as I could be but I'm getting better at using my time efficiently. And, now that I've gotten my work life moving and sort of under control, I can start to work on my personal life. Like joining a gym, which I did today, too. It's been 16 months since I last exercised regularly and I hate the flab and the 15 lbs that have appeared since then. My birthday is in 3 months and I intend to be fitter and 15 lbs lighter by then. Go me!

While I was sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's office, there was a woman beside me reading a huge text book. I realized that I really miss being in school. I miss learning. I went to a seminar on the weekend, where I learned some business skills to make my jewellery business more successful (and, also, my reiki business if I choose to apply what I learned there). While that was interesting & sort of fun, it wasn't, well, formal education. And that's what I miss. Maybe I'll have to look into taking a continuing education class or something. Hmm...

And, yes, I realize that this is what I do.  That I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person. Either I am completely unmotivated and do nothing, or I get motivated and want to do everything. I know my plate is kind of full already with 2 kids, 2 businesses, and I really do want to paint/fix up my house so I should probably leave well enough alone. But I just really do enjoy going to school...

I haven't given an update on the cancer front but things are even pretty good there, too. My Dad finished his treatment (chemo) in January and had colostomy reversal surgery today. He was *so* looking forward to getting rid of that stupid bag -- and I can't blame him one bit. Hopefully he will heal quickly and will be back to his regularly scheduled golf program this summer. My sister is still on chemo. It's been over a year now and she is, quite simply, exhausted. The cancer itself seems to have stabilized for now, but it's still there so she's still undergoing treatment. She's lost 20 lbs, which is great, but as she said, there are better ways of losing it.

What else? I am looking forward to a bit of a holiday next week as my kids go spend March Break with their Dad in Mexico. I don't have any extravagant plans but I would like to spend a couple of days visiting people and trading work with all my healer-type friends (massage, reiki, CST, chiropractic, Bowen, esthetic, etc). I am, of course, fairly nervous about sending my kids off on an airplane alone but given that they've flown (domestically & internationally) more than most adults, I'm sure they'll be fine. 

And I think I can say with some certainty that I will be fine, too. I've been telling myself that for the past few years but now I'm starting to believe it.