... may keep the doctor away but it certainly keeps the therapist close at hand.
I wonder if I will ever stop crying. I cry so much and so often and although I do stop every now and then, I don't think I've managed much more than a week at a time over the past year or so without shedding a tear. Any number of emotions will trigger it: sadness, anger, fear, frustration, and, similarly, any other negative feeling I happen to be experiencing. Which, alas, seems to be all the time.
I can think back on times when I would go years without crying. Then, on the rare occasion when I would cry, the tears were usually provoked by a movie or book or tv commercial. I cried because of other people's situations and the emotions they were suffering.
But times have changed. I hope, one day, they will change back again. I can't go the rest of my life having this much reason to cry, right? I have to believe it's just a phase (a really long phase) that I'm working through and someday I will come out the other side with a smile on my face and maybe, just maybe, tears of joy...
Sunday, 23 October 2011
Tuesday, 18 October 2011
Everything Happens (The Way It's Supposed to Happen)
Last week I ran away. Well, sort of. I had been planning to get away in order to destress after graduation, and finally - a month later - I managed to do it. The decision was rather last minute but I went with it and before I could think too much about it, I was on a train. I proceeded to spend 3 days in Chicago and 2 days in Milwaukee. (Why Milwaukee? No, not for the beer or Laverne & Shirley but because the Harley-Davidson Museum is there.) I walked a lot, saw some sights, took some great photos and, most importantly, had lots of time to think.
I wish I could say I had some monumental revelations while I was away but alas, I did not. I did have a few insightful ideas and, thanks to a book I read that week, I decided that I need to make some changes. Most importantly, I need to make much better use of my time. Since I graduated, I've been floundering. I was so busy and so stressed out while I was in school and now that school is finished, I have way too much time on my hands -- and I'm not using it effectively. So, I've decided to try to focus my energy and do something positive with it. I need to spend some time every day doing what I want and need to do for myself: meditate, do reiki, read & learn more about reiki (and massage), seriously think about my future and what I want it to look like and be like and figure out how to make it so. It's going to take some discipline to make new habits but it shouldn't be too hard once I get going.
Also, while I was away, there was (yet another) serious upheaval in my personal life. It has given me plenty more food for thought. Partly I'm asking myself the same questions I've been asking myself for the past year or two, with a few new questions thrown in. In the end, it all leads back to the same issues about Me, who I am, what I want and how I got to be where I currently am. Right now I don't seem to have (m)any answers. The only thing I know for certain is that Everything Happens The Way It's Supposed to Happen. And knowing that will hopefully lead me to learn from all of this and end up in a better, brighter place.
I wish I could say I had some monumental revelations while I was away but alas, I did not. I did have a few insightful ideas and, thanks to a book I read that week, I decided that I need to make some changes. Most importantly, I need to make much better use of my time. Since I graduated, I've been floundering. I was so busy and so stressed out while I was in school and now that school is finished, I have way too much time on my hands -- and I'm not using it effectively. So, I've decided to try to focus my energy and do something positive with it. I need to spend some time every day doing what I want and need to do for myself: meditate, do reiki, read & learn more about reiki (and massage), seriously think about my future and what I want it to look like and be like and figure out how to make it so. It's going to take some discipline to make new habits but it shouldn't be too hard once I get going.
Also, while I was away, there was (yet another) serious upheaval in my personal life. It has given me plenty more food for thought. Partly I'm asking myself the same questions I've been asking myself for the past year or two, with a few new questions thrown in. In the end, it all leads back to the same issues about Me, who I am, what I want and how I got to be where I currently am. Right now I don't seem to have (m)any answers. The only thing I know for certain is that Everything Happens The Way It's Supposed to Happen. And knowing that will hopefully lead me to learn from all of this and end up in a better, brighter place.
Friday, 7 October 2011
Why (Not) Me?
I was having a pretty good day -- or so I thought. I could feel it nagging at me for hours but it wasn't until I put all the pieces together late this afternoon that my day - and my mood - went belly up. It was a culmination of things, as it usually is, which began this morning and continued to build until I put the last block on the top of the tower, bringing it crashing down. It's never good when my mood topples and I find it extraordinarily difficult to stop crying once I start. As my therapist said, when I access a feeling, I do so fully and completely, and it usually overtakes me (which is why I suppress so much -- because dealing with the feelings is so overwhelming). But I digress...
What should have been a nice day with good news, turned out to be a day filled with multiple examples of everything I can't do being thrown in my face. Or so it felt... It began this morning when a friend updated her Facebook status saying how much she loves her new job. This friend was a classmate of mine and I really am thrilled for her that she was able to find a great job so quickly after graduation. It continued this afternoon when my husband confirmed that we would be picking up his snazzy new car this evening. It's a great car and, to make it even better, most of the lease price and the insurance will be paid for by his company.
The trigger that turned this happiness to misery? Discovering that even secured credit cards are subject to approval. (Wtf? It's my money, what do they need to approve?) This news mires me even further in the evil circle of "I can't get credit because I have no credit history and can't build a history because I can't get credit".
So, my friend is happily working away while I sit here twiddling my thumbs and trying every which way I can to figure out how to get some kind of work permit, Green Card or loophole that would allow me to work. Meanwhile, my husband goes out and leases himself an awesome new car while I can't even get a cell phone contract because I have no credit history.
I really don't think I'm asking for much: I just want to be a normal, independent person and do what everyone else can do: get a job, buy a car, get a smartphone. All. By. Myself.
And yes, I know it will happen. I will be able to do all these wonderfully normal things that everyone else takes for granted. It will just take time and I will need patience... and another box of Kleenex for the days when the frustration overwhelms me...
What should have been a nice day with good news, turned out to be a day filled with multiple examples of everything I can't do being thrown in my face. Or so it felt... It began this morning when a friend updated her Facebook status saying how much she loves her new job. This friend was a classmate of mine and I really am thrilled for her that she was able to find a great job so quickly after graduation. It continued this afternoon when my husband confirmed that we would be picking up his snazzy new car this evening. It's a great car and, to make it even better, most of the lease price and the insurance will be paid for by his company.
The trigger that turned this happiness to misery? Discovering that even secured credit cards are subject to approval. (Wtf? It's my money, what do they need to approve?) This news mires me even further in the evil circle of "I can't get credit because I have no credit history and can't build a history because I can't get credit".
So, my friend is happily working away while I sit here twiddling my thumbs and trying every which way I can to figure out how to get some kind of work permit, Green Card or loophole that would allow me to work. Meanwhile, my husband goes out and leases himself an awesome new car while I can't even get a cell phone contract because I have no credit history.
I really don't think I'm asking for much: I just want to be a normal, independent person and do what everyone else can do: get a job, buy a car, get a smartphone. All. By. Myself.
And yes, I know it will happen. I will be able to do all these wonderfully normal things that everyone else takes for granted. It will just take time and I will need patience... and another box of Kleenex for the days when the frustration overwhelms me...
Monday, 3 October 2011
Lest We Forget
It's funny, the things we forget. Yesterday, I went to the bookstore and as I crossed the store to the section I was aiming for, I passed through the "Health" section. My eyes scanned the titles as I walked down the aisle and fell upon a book entitled "PCOS for Dummies". (It's not surprising that I noticed, it being the glaring black & yellow of the "Dummies" books and the acronym blazing all its capitol letters down its spine.) Seeing the book made me stop, pick it up and give it a quick read. Why? Because I have PCOS.
PCOS stands for PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome. It's an aptly-named syndrome: affected women have multiple cysts on their ovaries that cause a hormone imbalance -- and a slew of other symptoms. The syndrome part basically means that the symptoms are so diverse and present so differently on everyone affected that they can't call it a disease. I have a fairly mild version, I suppose, in that I don't have too many of the usual symptoms, which include:
Luckily, as I said, I don't have all that going on, but it could change. Most of the symptoms I have aren't really that problematic, or they tend not to bother anyone but me and they've become normal for me. The worst culprit on the above list, for me and I'm sure for those I live with and interact with, are the "mood disorders". I've discussed my depression before but because PCOS is a hormonal issue, the result is that I'm really moody. (I don't get PMS, likely because I'm permanently that way.)
Finding this book yesterday was a wake-up call for me in many ways. I was reminded that I have a fairly major health issue but because its traces in my life are subtle and because I've been living with them for so long (13 years since I was diagnosed, 21 years since I noticed something was up), I've become used to it. I forget that there is a reason -- a solid, physiological reason -- for the way that I am.
It also reminded me how easy it is to get used to an unpleasant situation and let that become normal. When you find yourself facing things you'd rather not, or when you see that there's little you can do to change things, or when the symptoms are subtle, you simply tell yourself to suck it up, get over it and move on and all those problems and hurts simply become your normal. But every once in a while, something happens -- the pain increases, a new symptom presents -- and you realize that you've been soldiering on for too long and that just because this has become your normal, it doesn't mean that it should be.
PCOS stands for PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome. It's an aptly-named syndrome: affected women have multiple cysts on their ovaries that cause a hormone imbalance -- and a slew of other symptoms. The syndrome part basically means that the symptoms are so diverse and present so differently on everyone affected that they can't call it a disease. I have a fairly mild version, I suppose, in that I don't have too many of the usual symptoms, which include:
- Multiple ovarian cysts
- Irregular or absent menses
- Infertility
- Acne
- Obesity or inability to lose weight
- Excessive body or facial hair (hirsutism)
- Insulin resistance and possibly diabetes
- Thinning of scalp hair
- Velvety, hyperpigmented skin folds (acanthosis nigricans)
- High blood pressure
- Polycystic ovaries that are 2-5 times larger than healthy ovaries.
- Impaired lung function
- Sleep apnea
- Fatty liver degeneration (NAFLD)
- Disordered immune system
- Mood disorders, including anxiety and depression
- Appetite disorder
- High blood fats (cholesterol and triglycerides)
- Increased probability of cardiovascular disease or diabetes
- Bacterial infection (H. pylori)
- Increased sensitivity to chronic stress
- Evidence of auto-immune disorders such as Hashimoto's thyroiditis
- Dry Eye syndrome
- Multiple hormone imbalances, commonly including:
- Androgens (testosterone)
- Cortisol
- Estrogens
- FSH (follicle stimulating hormone)
- Insulin
- LH (luteinizing hormone)
- progesterone
- Prolactin
- Thyroid hormones
Luckily, as I said, I don't have all that going on, but it could change. Most of the symptoms I have aren't really that problematic, or they tend not to bother anyone but me and they've become normal for me. The worst culprit on the above list, for me and I'm sure for those I live with and interact with, are the "mood disorders". I've discussed my depression before but because PCOS is a hormonal issue, the result is that I'm really moody. (I don't get PMS, likely because I'm permanently that way.)
Finding this book yesterday was a wake-up call for me in many ways. I was reminded that I have a fairly major health issue but because its traces in my life are subtle and because I've been living with them for so long (13 years since I was diagnosed, 21 years since I noticed something was up), I've become used to it. I forget that there is a reason -- a solid, physiological reason -- for the way that I am.
It also reminded me how easy it is to get used to an unpleasant situation and let that become normal. When you find yourself facing things you'd rather not, or when you see that there's little you can do to change things, or when the symptoms are subtle, you simply tell yourself to suck it up, get over it and move on and all those problems and hurts simply become your normal. But every once in a while, something happens -- the pain increases, a new symptom presents -- and you realize that you've been soldiering on for too long and that just because this has become your normal, it doesn't mean that it should be.
Friday, 23 September 2011
Adjustments
It's been three weeks since my last class at school and I've concluded that I have way too much time on my hands. I went from being overly stressed and very busy to having way too much time on my hands. The first week after school ended was great: my kids went back to school and I spent the week in much-needed nothingness. Last week we had gotten pretty good with the whole back-to-school thing so there was less to occupy my mind. By this week, I'm starting to lose it.
I have had the unpleasant reminder that too much unstructured time is really not good for me. I spend far too long ruminating and dwelling on things and end up spending my day wallowing in self-pity. Luckily, as soon as the kids come home, all is right in my world -- we chat, we laugh, we have things to do. Granted, there are things I should be doing while they're gone, too -- like cleaning the basement -- but somehow I always seem to lack the motivation to do that.
Yesterday was pretty miserable and unproductive and a very unhealthy day (I worked out but had popcorn, chips, ice cream & peanut butter M&M's -- classic emotional eating binge). The result is that I've decided I really need to build more structure into my days. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do that, but I'm going to work on it. I need to get busy or I'm going to go crazy...
I have had the unpleasant reminder that too much unstructured time is really not good for me. I spend far too long ruminating and dwelling on things and end up spending my day wallowing in self-pity. Luckily, as soon as the kids come home, all is right in my world -- we chat, we laugh, we have things to do. Granted, there are things I should be doing while they're gone, too -- like cleaning the basement -- but somehow I always seem to lack the motivation to do that.
Yesterday was pretty miserable and unproductive and a very unhealthy day (I worked out but had popcorn, chips, ice cream & peanut butter M&M's -- classic emotional eating binge). The result is that I've decided I really need to build more structure into my days. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do that, but I'm going to work on it. I need to get busy or I'm going to go crazy...
Monday, 19 September 2011
Body Image
When I went for my energy work session last week, it came up... again. Every time I have energy work done, or I'm at an energy work class, this topic seems to crop up. My teacher usually says something like: "I don't know why you think you're fat, because you're the farthest thing from it". Usually I don't pay much attention to her, but for some reason, I can't seem to stop thinking about it this week.
I wouldn't consider myself the "farthest thing" from fat. According to the charts, I'm on the high side of normal. I also know the charts are not entirely accurate, especially for people with a lot of muscle mass. So, I'm not fat but I'm also pretty far from skinny -- or so I think. I'm "healthy" and fairly muscular and fit and I'm ok with that.
That said, I know there is a bit of truth to what she says, and I'm pretty sure it dates back to childhood. I was a round kid with chubby cheeks (that adults loved to pinch & kiss -- gross!) and compared to my super skinny sister, I felt even rounder and chubbier. So, in my head - to this day - I'm the chubby one and she's the skinny one. Never mind that 30 years later the reality is quite different and I'd guess she weighs a good 50 lbs more than I do.
Not that this is very scientific but look what happened: the chubby kid had to learn to eat well and exercise in order to gain/maintain a decent shape and now that we are either side of 40, I'm in better shape than most people I know and look fairly decent. My sister, on the other hand, never had to pay attention to what she ate and never had to exercise and as the poor lifestyle choices became more ingrained, I watched her shape change from hourglass to apple. So, if a bit of a body image issue keeps me eating well and working out, I think it's ok.
My immediate family is also plagued by every major disease/health concern out there: cancer, heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, etc, etc. As a result, I'm likely a little more concerned than most people about my health and well-being. I'd like to live a long, productive, healthy life -- and since most of those health concerns can be attributed to lifestyle choices, I like to think that I'm doing my best (most of the time) to overcome them.
So, while I would like to lose 10 lbs and while there are some parts of my body that I don't really love, I think I'm ok. I know I'm in better shape than most people my age and five minutes of people watching at the mall will reassure me that I am, indeed, not fat. I also know that yes, I probably do have a bit of a body image issue but I'm good with that, as long as it keeps me healthy.
I wouldn't consider myself the "farthest thing" from fat. According to the charts, I'm on the high side of normal. I also know the charts are not entirely accurate, especially for people with a lot of muscle mass. So, I'm not fat but I'm also pretty far from skinny -- or so I think. I'm "healthy" and fairly muscular and fit and I'm ok with that.
That said, I know there is a bit of truth to what she says, and I'm pretty sure it dates back to childhood. I was a round kid with chubby cheeks (that adults loved to pinch & kiss -- gross!) and compared to my super skinny sister, I felt even rounder and chubbier. So, in my head - to this day - I'm the chubby one and she's the skinny one. Never mind that 30 years later the reality is quite different and I'd guess she weighs a good 50 lbs more than I do.
Not that this is very scientific but look what happened: the chubby kid had to learn to eat well and exercise in order to gain/maintain a decent shape and now that we are either side of 40, I'm in better shape than most people I know and look fairly decent. My sister, on the other hand, never had to pay attention to what she ate and never had to exercise and as the poor lifestyle choices became more ingrained, I watched her shape change from hourglass to apple. So, if a bit of a body image issue keeps me eating well and working out, I think it's ok.
My immediate family is also plagued by every major disease/health concern out there: cancer, heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, etc, etc. As a result, I'm likely a little more concerned than most people about my health and well-being. I'd like to live a long, productive, healthy life -- and since most of those health concerns can be attributed to lifestyle choices, I like to think that I'm doing my best (most of the time) to overcome them.
So, while I would like to lose 10 lbs and while there are some parts of my body that I don't really love, I think I'm ok. I know I'm in better shape than most people my age and five minutes of people watching at the mall will reassure me that I am, indeed, not fat. I also know that yes, I probably do have a bit of a body image issue but I'm good with that, as long as it keeps me healthy.
Thursday, 15 September 2011
Improvements
I've been pretty down for the last week. I've been hiding out in my deep dark cave but I think it's time to come up for air, have a look around and see what needs to be done. Or rather, see what I can do.
This change of attitude has surprised me a bit but is likely the result of an energy work session I had today, which left me feeling a bit happier and a lot more centred. A few words of encouragement and a bit of advice didn't go astray either.
So, I'm trying to look at things from the other side. You see, when I am down, I can get pretty negative and it becomes so very difficult to stop focusing on the negatives and find the positives. I'm still not sure I can do that but I've decided I need to at least start doing something that might effect some positive changes -- or even just any change at all. I know that so many things are out of my control at the moment, but I need to focus on what I can control and do what I can about those things. It might not be much, and it might not do much in the end, but at least I'll know I tried to do something.
This past week I started making a list. I've managed to get through a lot on the list, although I think I add more to it faster than I can cross things off. I have been able to do more than I often did in times where I was in a much better emotional state. I figure it must be working for me so I'll try to keep it up. At the very least, it makes me feel somewhat busy and productive in these days between the end of school and the start of whatever comes next and, right now, that's about as good as it gets.
This change of attitude has surprised me a bit but is likely the result of an energy work session I had today, which left me feeling a bit happier and a lot more centred. A few words of encouragement and a bit of advice didn't go astray either.
So, I'm trying to look at things from the other side. You see, when I am down, I can get pretty negative and it becomes so very difficult to stop focusing on the negatives and find the positives. I'm still not sure I can do that but I've decided I need to at least start doing something that might effect some positive changes -- or even just any change at all. I know that so many things are out of my control at the moment, but I need to focus on what I can control and do what I can about those things. It might not be much, and it might not do much in the end, but at least I'll know I tried to do something.
This past week I started making a list. I've managed to get through a lot on the list, although I think I add more to it faster than I can cross things off. I have been able to do more than I often did in times where I was in a much better emotional state. I figure it must be working for me so I'll try to keep it up. At the very least, it makes me feel somewhat busy and productive in these days between the end of school and the start of whatever comes next and, right now, that's about as good as it gets.
Sunday, 11 September 2011
Roadblocks
Yesterday was, to say the very least, a bad day that got worse. By nightfall, I was in a place that was darker and bleaker than anywhere I had ever been...
Today I woke up all puffy-eyed and miserable but decided to go to class, despite my inclination to stay in bed and be miserable. Fortunately, part of my brain was still working and I reasoned that since these classes are designed to teach me to use energy to heal people and since I was a person in desperate need of some healing, I should go. Also, it was crystal class and crystals always seem to work their magic on me better than anything else. So I dragged my sorry self to class and after 5 hours, some good food (homemade eggplant parmigiana "lasagna") and 2 crystal sessions, I was feeling much, much better. I even managed a smile or two and a bit of conversation before the afternoon was over.
I'm not sure there was any one thing in particular that pushed me off the edge last night, rather that it was one more thing placed atop the mountain of frustrations that have been accruing in nearly every aspect of my life. It seems that no matter which way I turn or which path I try to follow, the road is blocked. Most of the blockages these days are related to immigration but in the end, it doesn't matter what is stopping me only that I can't go on. And that is precisely the crux of the matter: I can't go on. I can't continue upon any path I've chosen, nor can I stay where I am. I simply can't go on like this, certainly not if I want to keep my sanity.
I am trying to be patient and I am trying to be strong and I am trying to get around and/or move the roadblocks. But it's a daunting task, and it's tiring and sometimes my strength fails me. It's scary when that happens but in the end there's nothing I can do but pick myself up and keep going so that someday (soon, I hope) I'll have have at least one clear path ahead of me.
Today I woke up all puffy-eyed and miserable but decided to go to class, despite my inclination to stay in bed and be miserable. Fortunately, part of my brain was still working and I reasoned that since these classes are designed to teach me to use energy to heal people and since I was a person in desperate need of some healing, I should go. Also, it was crystal class and crystals always seem to work their magic on me better than anything else. So I dragged my sorry self to class and after 5 hours, some good food (homemade eggplant parmigiana "lasagna") and 2 crystal sessions, I was feeling much, much better. I even managed a smile or two and a bit of conversation before the afternoon was over.
I'm not sure there was any one thing in particular that pushed me off the edge last night, rather that it was one more thing placed atop the mountain of frustrations that have been accruing in nearly every aspect of my life. It seems that no matter which way I turn or which path I try to follow, the road is blocked. Most of the blockages these days are related to immigration but in the end, it doesn't matter what is stopping me only that I can't go on. And that is precisely the crux of the matter: I can't go on. I can't continue upon any path I've chosen, nor can I stay where I am. I simply can't go on like this, certainly not if I want to keep my sanity.
I am trying to be patient and I am trying to be strong and I am trying to get around and/or move the roadblocks. But it's a daunting task, and it's tiring and sometimes my strength fails me. It's scary when that happens but in the end there's nothing I can do but pick myself up and keep going so that someday (soon, I hope) I'll have have at least one clear path ahead of me.
Tuesday, 6 September 2011
Out of Sync
I am completely messed up. This weekend I completed my last requirements for school by working two 5-hour shifts, giving free 10-minute massages at a local festival. I had the pleasure of working with a friend the whole time, which made the days more fun but they were long, physically demanding days. When I finished my last shift on Sunday, I was exhausted but ready to celebrate. I found a beer tent, had a beer and followed that one up with a few more. By Sunday night, it had finally sunk in that I was completely, officially done with school. Two weeks ago, I still had so much ahead of me and now, suddenly, it's all over.
And, now that I have that all behind me, I'm ready to kick back, relax and have some fun. In short, I'm ready for summer. The problem is that summer is over. I sort of realized over the past couple of months that I was missing out and that my kids were having a less-than-stimulating vacation but now it's cold outside and today my kids went back to school. I feel like I've completely missed out on summer this year.
As a result, I'm feeling a little out of sorts. I'm sure I'll figure it out soon enough but it may take a while for me to adjust to the weather, the calendar and new beginnings all around.
And, now that I have that all behind me, I'm ready to kick back, relax and have some fun. In short, I'm ready for summer. The problem is that summer is over. I sort of realized over the past couple of months that I was missing out and that my kids were having a less-than-stimulating vacation but now it's cold outside and today my kids went back to school. I feel like I've completely missed out on summer this year.
As a result, I'm feeling a little out of sorts. I'm sure I'll figure it out soon enough but it may take a while for me to adjust to the weather, the calendar and new beginnings all around.
Friday, 2 September 2011
Getting to Know You
In case some of you are not fans of broadway musicals and missed the title reference, it's a song from "The King and I" and it goes like this:
"Getting to know you,
Getting to know all about you.
Getting to like you,
Getting to hope you like me.
Getting to know you,
Getting to feel free and easy
When I am with you,
Getting to know what to say."
This pretty much sums up an article I happened upon today, which happened to address one of my bigger issues that has been giving me cause to think lately. Namely, my inadequacy at making -- and keeping -- friends. Oh, sure, I know plenty of people but for the most part they remain mere acquaintances and are kept safely at arms length. For the most part, this is because I can't be bothered -- there are really very few people I meet whom I really want to befriend. But every now and then I meet someone I find truly interesting and I realize that I just plain don't know how to be friends with people. The few friends I do have, have been around a long time and, recently, I seem to have made a few friends accidentally, despite my inadequacies.
I have been told -- on more than one occasion -- that I do not open up to people, which makes people think I'm either not interested in their friendship or that the friendship is very one-sided. If we've been friends long enough for people to notice this, then probably I want to be friends with them -- I just don't know how. I have no idea why I am so guarded but for my own sake, I need to learn how to share myself with others.
I need to do this, not just, as the article says, because I want to live joyfully but because I am, and always have been, lonely. As a result of many various influences, I don't have many people currently in my life whom I consider close friends. Lately, however, there are a few new faces whom I think have the potential to become good friends -- if I don't mess it up. So, I'm going to keep singing like Julie Andrews and hope that you'll notice that:
"Suddenly I'm bright and breezy
Because of all the beautiful and new
Things I'm learning about you
Day by day."
And even more, I hope that they will be able to say the same about me.
"Getting to know you,
Getting to know all about you.
Getting to like you,
Getting to hope you like me.
Getting to know you,
Getting to feel free and easy
When I am with you,
Getting to know what to say."
This pretty much sums up an article I happened upon today, which happened to address one of my bigger issues that has been giving me cause to think lately. Namely, my inadequacy at making -- and keeping -- friends. Oh, sure, I know plenty of people but for the most part they remain mere acquaintances and are kept safely at arms length. For the most part, this is because I can't be bothered -- there are really very few people I meet whom I really want to befriend. But every now and then I meet someone I find truly interesting and I realize that I just plain don't know how to be friends with people. The few friends I do have, have been around a long time and, recently, I seem to have made a few friends accidentally, despite my inadequacies.
I have been told -- on more than one occasion -- that I do not open up to people, which makes people think I'm either not interested in their friendship or that the friendship is very one-sided. If we've been friends long enough for people to notice this, then probably I want to be friends with them -- I just don't know how. I have no idea why I am so guarded but for my own sake, I need to learn how to share myself with others.
I need to do this, not just, as the article says, because I want to live joyfully but because I am, and always have been, lonely. As a result of many various influences, I don't have many people currently in my life whom I consider close friends. Lately, however, there are a few new faces whom I think have the potential to become good friends -- if I don't mess it up. So, I'm going to keep singing like Julie Andrews and hope that you'll notice that:
"Suddenly I'm bright and breezy
Because of all the beautiful and new
Things I'm learning about you
Day by day."
And even more, I hope that they will be able to say the same about me.
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