A Bad Day

Some days it hits me that I just really, really hate my life.  Today is not one of those days, but I had one recently.

The day started off with me trying to tidy up and getting aggravated with my children for leaving their belongings sprawled all over the house.  It didn't improve after that.  There were no further events that made anything worse but because I had allowed myself to feel angry, it opened the floodgates for all the negative emotions I generally suppress to start seeping into my day.  I know that in theory, I'm supposed to express my emotions but if I were to honestly express all the anger, sadness and frustration I actually feel I would never be able to function and no one would want to ever be anywhere near me.

So, my day started off with me being angry at my children, which then led me to be just generally angry at myself, my husband and the world at large for the rest of the day.  By evening that had morphed into frustration and sadness about the sorry state of my life in general. By the time I went to bed, I was a mess of hopeless tears.

I think what it boils down to is that I am so incredibly tired of being in transition.  I have been going through some major changes over the last year or two, which have brought about all sorts of changes in all aspects of my life.  It's necessary but it's exhausting.  And it's far from over. 

Tattoos

I have two tattoos.  Until yesterday, I never really gave either of them much thought.  They are part of me and although I love them both, I often forget that they are there.

At the massage school I attended (and where I now volunteer in class) there are a lot of tattoos.  Almost all the students have at least one, but most have more.  As students at massage school, they also get partially naked on a regular basis so most tattoos get revealed at some point in the course of the year.  Even as an apprentice, I participate in the class and am not exempt from the showing of my tattoos.  This often leads to tattoo-themed compliments, remarks, comparisons and stories.  And it’s got me thinking…

One of my tattoos is on the back of my neck.  It’s a dragonfly.  In my everyday life, I usually wear my long hair down and the tattoo remains hidden.  However, when I am working or when I am receiving a massage, I wear my hair in a ponytail, exposing the tattoo for all to see.  It’s smallish and, one could argue, almost demure but too realistic to be cute.  It’s nice and I’m not afraid to let it show.

The other tattoo is a dragon.  It’s on my lower abdomen to the right of my bellybutton and is the size of my whole hand.  Under normal circumstances it is hidden away beneath my clothes.  Only in rare circumstances, when I might brave a bikini, does it ever see the light of day.  It’s bold and fierce and only gets shown to people with whom I feel very comfortable and whom I trust.

Does anyone else notice anything?

What I noticed is that I have managed to put all of my self-esteem and personal issues into the design and placement of my tattoos – without even realizing it.

The dragonfly is the light and happy persona that I share with the world at large.  It’s the safe side of me that is pretty and unimposing and, for the most part, will be accepted by the general public.  And it's on the back of my neck where I can't see it.

The dragon is the other side.  The real me.  The person I wish I had the strength and courage to be more often.  It's right there on my tummy where I get to see it every day.  It is bold and fierce and even though some people might be taken aback by it, it’s absolutely awesome. 

I wonder if the real me will ever come out of hiding?

Good News

It's about time!!!  I am so happy and so unfamiliar with this feeling that I hardly know what to do with it! 

The reason for my happiness is that I got a job!  Yes, really!  (And, no, not for the people who forgot about me.)   I got a phone call on Wednesday (the day I decided *not* to go back for the 2nd interview at the other place) from a woman who had found my resume through my former school's placement services.  I went in this morning for an interview (verbal & practical) and was offered a job on the spot! 

The interesting thing I've noticed is that when employers call you for an interview, it completely removes all the stress and the anticipation of the interview process.  When you apply somewhere for a job, you look forward to the phone call and you stress about the interview because, obviously, you really want the job.  When they call you, there's none of that because you weren't necessarily interested in working for them in the first place.  It's so much easier!

And, indeed, this is not a place I ever would have applied to work at, but I think it's going to turn out very well.  It's a chain, but with more of a holistic twist so I'll still be able to do reiki along with massage (and possibly craniosacral after I take the class in April).  They were also totally willing to accommodate my availability, which is fantastic.  And if it all goes well, who knows, maybe some day I can open my own franchise someday...

Also, the location is exactly where I wanted to be and only a mile up the street from the office where I'm trying to establish my own practice.  Perfect!

I always say that everything happens the way it's supposed to happen and this is a great example: turning down that other job left the door open for this opportunity.  And working part-time here will allow me to afford the rent (should a room open up there full-time) and leave me time to work at my own practice.  I think I have finally turned the corner on the job front and expect much goodness to come of it.

Yay!

Role Model

After watching 4 episodes in a row of The Big Bang Theory last night, I decided that I need to be more like Penny.  As Raj's dad said, "She's feisty!".  She is also sweet, funny and able to say exactly what she thinks.  In a word, she's awesome -- and I want to be more like her. 

Jobs and Other Things

I went for a job interview last week -- and the whole situation got seriously messed up.  And messed me up.  Not that I wasn't messed up already...

It started off very well.  I got a call out of the blue from a spa owner who wanted me to come in for an interview.  He'd found my resume at my school's career centre.  I was quite pleased and was happy to get some positive feedback: I'd put myself out there and somebody noticed!  Yay me :)

When I went in for the interview, things changed dramatically.  I was left to sit in the "lounge" for nearly half an hour before I had to go find someone to see what was going on and if, indeed, I was going to have an interview.  The office manager apologized profusely for forgetting about me, but the owner just sort of brushed it off.  I am still baffled as to how two different people could forget about someone coming in for an interview.  Anyways, we had a brief chat and they invited me back to give a massage & some reiki to the owner in 10 days.

Part two was supposed to happen tomorrow.  I have been going round in circles over this for the past week and a half: should I go or should I not?  Part of me said I should go and follow through, see what exactly the job was all about , do it for the experience, etc, etc.  The other part of me said I shouldn't waste my time with people who are so unprofessional.  The practical side of me said "go" but my gut said "no". 

Even this morning I had no idea what I should do -- until I was asked about it, and started crying for no apparent reason.  Obviously, there was more to the situation than even I understood.  Shortly after that, I got an email from the spa and found myself wondering what the hell they wanted.  I also realized that in all my imaginings of how the second interview would go, I was usually asking the owner for some explanation of how they'd forgotten me.  That's when I realized that I was actually really angry with them.  Not only did I feel invisible, but disrespected as well.

I also remembered that when I had mentioned to a friend of mine that they'd left me sitting for so long, she said something like, "So, you're not going to work for them, right?".  This is part of what I find so frustrating: my friend automatically realized that these people didn't deserve any more of my time or energy and knew that she would have felt wronged in the same situation but it took me 10 days to figure this out!  Why, oh, why is it so hard for me see when other people treat me poorly and stand up for myself?

Eventually I realized that I was dreading the interview tomorrow so I decided not to go -- and I am positive I made the right decision.  It's always better to listen to your gut.

And in listening, I also heard my gut say that I really don't want a job working for someone else anyways.  What I want is my own practice, damn it!  And why should I settle for anything else?  Granted, there are some complications, like the fact that I can't establish a credit history if I don't have a "real" job (and I desperately need to build a credit history) but I'm working on loopholes and other options.  One way or another, this is going to happen.  Maybe not as quickly as I want it to, but eventually, it will all come together. 

It sure as Hell better...

At a Loss

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head but I can't seem to piece together a complete and coherent thought to save my life.  I've been wanting to write for days, but can't seem to find the words.  *sigh* 
So frustrating.

Words

You might have noticed I've been pretty quiet.  Lately, the words just haven't been there.  It's a strange feeling for me, to be wordless.  It's not unusual for me to have nothing to say -- I always have a hard time expressing myself out loud -- but it is unusual for me to have nothing to write. 

This last curve ball that Life threw at me (see previous post) really messed me up.  For the first few days all I could do was cry and for the next week or so, I would end up in tears over just about everything.  Initially, I cried because of the news: I worried about the one with the cancer diagnosis and about her children.  I speculated on what might happen in a worst-case scenario.  I also cried because I felt like I'd been given more than I could possibly handle.  I just didn't see how I'd have the strength to support her and those I love when my own life is such a mess, especially considering I have very little support myself.  At least if I had people to lean on and/or people who could boost me up both physically and emotionally (more than one or two who live out of town), I would feel a little bit stronger.  Alas, that is not the case and once again, I was left on my own to muster courage and fortitude from whence I believed there was none.

I'm still pretty fragile but there has been some good news to boost morale: the first chemo session went better than expected, with few side effects.

Also, I had a job interview and was invited to another interview (which I turned down).  The interview was my first in about 15 years, so a bit nerve-wracking, complicated by the fact that they forgot about me.  By the time I came back on their radar, we only had about 5 minutes to have a quick chat.  I got invited back for a second interview in a week and a half so we'll see what happens.   Being forgotten about definitely didn't help lessen the general feeling I have of being invisible, but I'm trying not to dwell on it.

Another ironic happenstance of the past couple of weeks is that while I have been struggling to find my own words, I finished reading "The Book Thief" by Markus Zusak.  If you haven't read it yet, you should.  Not that the story is all that spectacular.  (It's good, but I found it a little slow.)  However, what that man can do with words is absolutely phenomenal.  I found myself reading, not to know what would happen next, but to find out how he would say it.  And what I learned about myself is that a well-turned phrase really does make me weak at the knees. 

So, it's been a tumultuous couple of weeks but at least I've finally been able to write down a few haphazard thoughts.  The words have not come easily today but at least I was able to write something -- and that always helps.

Stupid Cancer

(That is all.)

A Confession

I have a confession to make: I am... a nerd.  I have long suspected this, but after what happened today I was left with no choice but to acknowledge it.  I was in Target, completely caught up in trying to decide whether Tilex or Lysol is the better product when I heard music wafting my way from a couple of aisles over.  The music played for a good 30 seconds -- long enough to distract me from what I was doing, smile and silently congratulate my fellow shopper for picking such an awesome ringtone.  Then it hit me: what I had identified as an 'awesome ringtone' was nothing less than the theme song from Star Trek: The Next Generation.  Seriously.

What this means (to me, at least) is that I have moved from being a nerd-by-association to a full-fledged, self-sufficient nerd -- still perhaps at the low end of the spectrum but certainly on the chart.  Until recently, I have always exercised my inherent nerdiness by simply being around nerds.  Usually not too many at a time, but there's often one in the mix -- at least when the mix is of my choosing.

As a kid, I loved comic books (although my parents would only buy me Archie) and I loved watching the Justice League cartoons after school (the Wonder Twins were my favourites) but I think the whole thing really started when I was about 10.  I remember sitting with 3 or 4 boys in the middle of the neighbour's garage, huddled around a makeshift table playing Dungeons and Dragons.  I was able to do this only a few times before my mother found out and forbid me from playing it.  Which is, I suppose, when I realized I needed to become a clandestine nerd.  From then on, I simply found friends who were outrightly nerdy and watched and learned from them -- without actually getting involved too much myself.

It's only been in the last couple of years that I've begun letting out my inner nerd, mostly without even realizing it. Recently, I noticed that I actually knew enough about nerd culture to understand basic humour and conversation and to start including myself as one of them.  The internet has also made life easier for us closet nerds: reading xkcd.com religiously, "liking" George Takei's Facebook page, watching The Guild and playing World of Warcraft can all be done from the safety and privacy of my own home.  I'm not embarrassed about my nerdy tendencies (the popularity of The Big Bang Theory has proven that there's a little nerd in all of us) but there are still not that many people out there who can relate, so I keep it quiet -- at least long enough for me to figure out who knows when Star Wars Day is.

(Im)Mobility

It took a lot to pick me up this time and push me back out into the world.  Which makes sense: the deeper you go, the harder it is to crawl back out.  But, thanks to poetry, blogs, Facebook, song lyrics and even some real live people I was inspired enough to get back on the proverbial horse.

There's never really any one thing that starts the downward spiral but I do know that feeling stagnant is a huge part of it.  As my friend, K, said, "the act of motion, while seemingly mundane and nothing, sometimes holds the key to new life."  She is so right.  Often, it doesn't even matter which direction I'm going in, as long as I'm going.  There's nothing worse than being - or even feeling - stuck.

So once I picked myself up, I got moving: I started cleaning my basement (aka "the Depths of Destruction"), I looked for office space both online and in the physical sense and, perhaps most surprising of all, I updated my resume and actually applied for a job.  I still need to spend another 2 or 3 weekends in the depths to reclaim the basement completely.  I couldn't find any affordable office space that suited my needs (so I'll stay in the space-sharing situation I'm in for now).  I have no idea what will come of this job application.  But you know what?  None of that matters.  What matters is that I kept moving.  Nothing will happen if I do nothing, but if I can keep moving, chances are something will change.

(I suddenly have Julie Andrews in my head, singing Something Good with Christopher Plummer in The Sound of Music: "Nothing comes from nothing/Nothing ever could"...)

I must remind myself that I not only need movement but that change doesn't often happen overnight.  I need to be patient and trust that all of my motions will carry me in the right direction.  I also have to remember that being and/or feeling stuck is really only temporary -- even if it takes me another year (or two) to get to the place I want to be.  I know it won't be easy but as long as I keep moving, I'll get there.