As I stepped off the train at Union Station, I could already feel it. It grew as we tramped along Front Street, although I couldn't yet identify it. By the time we got to John Street, I could feel the tumblers falling into place, unlocking that part of me that I experience so rarely: being at home.
Halfway between Front and Queen, the kids were complaining about the wind. They were cold. Their legs were numb. Ordinarily, I, too, would be loathe to be outside on such a cold, windy day but put me in the City and a different part of my brain takes over, because walking outside is just what you do, regardless of the weather. I told them to suck it up, that we were halfway to our destination. I tried pointing out interesting places along the way: the art gallery, Campbell House, the Parliament Buildings, old and new city halls and look! people skating in Nathan Philips Square. How about that truck crashing out of the wall two stories up? And here are some neat stores, some of which I used to shop at 20 years ago (and please don't notice or ask about the Head Shop or the Condom Shack next door). Most of it didn't interest them in the least -- the cold was too overpowering.
It was disappointing but I know that in warmer weather, the children also like the City, especially China Town. I also know that in a few years, when my daughter is a teenager, I will be able to take her shopping in all the funky little second hand shops in Kensington Market (but that she will most likely find the imported cheeses and deli shops there much more fascinating). I know that my kids will one day appreciate the second run movie theatres, the buskers and the cultural offerings the City has to offer. Some day, I hope that they, too, will come to love the City as much as I do.
I also hope that my children will one day have some place that they can identify with. I hope that they, too, will find a place they can call home. The City has changed significantly in the last two decades since I was lucky enough to call it home, but there is still enough there that hasn't changed that its appearance and its atmosphere are still recognizable. It still feels like the City I know and love, and the one place on Earth that I can truly call home.
Wednesday, 28 December 2011
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
A Challenge
My therapist has given me homework: I've got one week to put myself in a better mood. I have to get out of my funk. I need to turn that frown upside down. The trouble is, no matter how you say it, it's all so much easier said than done.
The point of this exercise, is, of course, to demonstrate that I can control my mood -- and not always let my mood control me. I am supposed to learn that any mood can be altered by changing thought and behaviour patterns and that any mood - including depression - is nothing more than a transient state. Depression should not be a pit that I attempt to crawl out of every now that then, only to fall back in. It should be more like, well, I don't really know, which is the problem. I suppose mood oscillation should be more horizontal than vertical. And that despite the fact that I feel like I always end up back on the low end of the mood spectrum and that the highs are always short-lived, I need to think of my moods as more dynamic and always able to shift, so as not to get stuck.
Anyways... the point is that I am supposed to be in charge and I am not supposed to let myself get overwhelmed. Which is kind of the opposite of the other big challenge I've been working on, which is to have more access to my emotions, let them show and not try so hard to control them. Obviously, I've been doing it all wrong the whole time: reigning in when I should be letting go and vice versa. (Bloody hell, but this is hard!)
I've been working on letting go of my emotions (especially agitation and anger), but so far without much success. The other day, I thought I was doing better and it felt like I was showing my anger but alas, no one paid any attention. Nothing makes you feel more invisible than putting yourself out there and having no one notice.
But while that is an ongoing challenge, it's not my homework this week. This week, I am focusing on improving my mood. I've been trying to stay positive for the past week or two, but it doesn't seem to be going very well. I'm really not sure how I am supposed to improve my overall mood -- and make it stick -- but I have a couple of ideas, which fall into a few categories: being social, being productive and being 'professional'.
The point of this exercise, is, of course, to demonstrate that I can control my mood -- and not always let my mood control me. I am supposed to learn that any mood can be altered by changing thought and behaviour patterns and that any mood - including depression - is nothing more than a transient state. Depression should not be a pit that I attempt to crawl out of every now that then, only to fall back in. It should be more like, well, I don't really know, which is the problem. I suppose mood oscillation should be more horizontal than vertical. And that despite the fact that I feel like I always end up back on the low end of the mood spectrum and that the highs are always short-lived, I need to think of my moods as more dynamic and always able to shift, so as not to get stuck.
Anyways... the point is that I am supposed to be in charge and I am not supposed to let myself get overwhelmed. Which is kind of the opposite of the other big challenge I've been working on, which is to have more access to my emotions, let them show and not try so hard to control them. Obviously, I've been doing it all wrong the whole time: reigning in when I should be letting go and vice versa. (Bloody hell, but this is hard!)
I've been working on letting go of my emotions (especially agitation and anger), but so far without much success. The other day, I thought I was doing better and it felt like I was showing my anger but alas, no one paid any attention. Nothing makes you feel more invisible than putting yourself out there and having no one notice.
But while that is an ongoing challenge, it's not my homework this week. This week, I am focusing on improving my mood. I've been trying to stay positive for the past week or two, but it doesn't seem to be going very well. I'm really not sure how I am supposed to improve my overall mood -- and make it stick -- but I have a couple of ideas, which fall into a few categories: being social, being productive and being 'professional'.
- I started off last night by going to our local high school band/orchestra/choir concert, which provided some nice distraction in the form of great musical performances with the pleasant addition of seeing a few friends while we were there.
- My daughter and I are going to visit my BFF this weekend. This will be a quick overnight trip, but it will be a good escape nonetheless.
- I will keep moving with setting up my business. I still have to work on the website, set up a social media presence and get more marketing paraphernalia.
- I will finish up all things Christmas: cards, shopping, etc.
- I will help teach a reiki 3 class on Sunday.
- I will put in a few hours at my new little job as 'office manager'. It's not rocket science but I am highly valued there and there's always an opportunity to learn and for a little chit chat with lovely people.
- I will be interviewing on Monday for an apprenticeship position at the school I recently graduated from. It's a volunteer position but it will be a great learning experience and could lead to other great opportunities.
Tuesday, 6 December 2011
Focus
It's been a rough week. The good news from last week quickly morphed into something else entirely. Yes, it's still great that we can stay in the country another 8 months but the realization that this is the *final* extension released a whole new set of feelings, chief among them being fear.
It is really scary to think that I have absolutely no idea what my life will be like in 8 months. I don't know what country I'll be living in, I don't know if I'll be able to work and/or keep running my fledgling business and, to top it off, I don't even know if I'll still be married. Usually, most people only have to deal with one of those issues at a time. If they move, it's because of a job. If they lose their job, they still have a place to live. If their marriage fails, they still have a job and a country to live in. But not me. I am staring in the face of losing all of it -- simultaneously. And it terrifies me.
The fact that we've been given our final extension has also made me even more desperate to get a green card. I really, really don't want to leave my life here when I'm just getting it started. We've been talking to an immigration lawyer this week but, as I feared, the only way we can achieve permanent resident status is if my husband's company initiates the process. So, my entire life is in the hands of someone I don't know.
The question now is what do I do with all of this fear and desperation. My first reaction was, of course, to cry. No surprise there. And that's ok. A good cry can be cleansing and it can help to let out my emotions so I can work with them and keep going. The challenge is to not let those feeling overwhelm me and to not get dragged down into the Pit of Despair. In order to do that, I can't dwell on what might happen. I have to focus on what will happen; on those things that I can control. I doubt I'll be able to put my fears out of my mind entirely and I might still have the odd teary meltdown, but I have to remember to live in the moment and do the things that I know I can do. I can't write off the next 8 months because of what may happen -- I have to make them count.
It is really scary to think that I have absolutely no idea what my life will be like in 8 months. I don't know what country I'll be living in, I don't know if I'll be able to work and/or keep running my fledgling business and, to top it off, I don't even know if I'll still be married. Usually, most people only have to deal with one of those issues at a time. If they move, it's because of a job. If they lose their job, they still have a place to live. If their marriage fails, they still have a job and a country to live in. But not me. I am staring in the face of losing all of it -- simultaneously. And it terrifies me.
The fact that we've been given our final extension has also made me even more desperate to get a green card. I really, really don't want to leave my life here when I'm just getting it started. We've been talking to an immigration lawyer this week but, as I feared, the only way we can achieve permanent resident status is if my husband's company initiates the process. So, my entire life is in the hands of someone I don't know.
The question now is what do I do with all of this fear and desperation. My first reaction was, of course, to cry. No surprise there. And that's ok. A good cry can be cleansing and it can help to let out my emotions so I can work with them and keep going. The challenge is to not let those feeling overwhelm me and to not get dragged down into the Pit of Despair. In order to do that, I can't dwell on what might happen. I have to focus on what will happen; on those things that I can control. I doubt I'll be able to put my fears out of my mind entirely and I might still have the odd teary meltdown, but I have to remember to live in the moment and do the things that I know I can do. I can't write off the next 8 months because of what may happen -- I have to make them count.
Wednesday, 30 November 2011
Why Bother?
That question has been running through my mind a lot over the past couple of days, although I'm trying very hard to ignore both the question and the sentiment attached to it. I am determined not to fall back into old thought patterns, although I can feel myself hovering on the brink. It's taking a tremendous amount of will power to ignore the old ways and stay on the new path.
So, what am I trying not to bother about? The End. Life as I currently know it may come to a crashing halt in just under 8 months. You see, on the the weekend, I received a visa extension and a work permit. Part of me - most of me - is overjoyed. We can stay in the country for another while and I can finally go out and get myself a real job. Unfortunately, on both documents is a date: July 27, 2012. This means that both the extension and the work permit are only valid until then. As far as the visa extension goes, this means that we've bought a little more time to figure out how to get ourselves those elusive green cards. As for the work permit, it means that I can only work at whatever new job I get for just over half a year. Given the time of year it is now, I won't realistically be looking for - or getting - any kind of job before January so I've got a maximum of 7 months of work life ahead of me.
Which brings me to the "why bother?" question. Is is really worth my while to go through everything -- continue to set up my own LLC, find a job, start working, try to balance it all with kids and home life, etc for only 8 months? The answer, of course, is "yes" because I know all to well from my own prior experience that denying myself such short-lived opportunities is not in my best interests. I know that I should bother and should welcome any experiences that come my way - even if they are short-lived - because they will, in the end, make my life richer and make me a happier, more independent person.
But the question is still there and I still try to ignore it. But perhaps, instead of ignoring that little voice that incessantly asks, "why bother?", I should answer it with "because I'm worth it!"
So, what am I trying not to bother about? The End. Life as I currently know it may come to a crashing halt in just under 8 months. You see, on the the weekend, I received a visa extension and a work permit. Part of me - most of me - is overjoyed. We can stay in the country for another while and I can finally go out and get myself a real job. Unfortunately, on both documents is a date: July 27, 2012. This means that both the extension and the work permit are only valid until then. As far as the visa extension goes, this means that we've bought a little more time to figure out how to get ourselves those elusive green cards. As for the work permit, it means that I can only work at whatever new job I get for just over half a year. Given the time of year it is now, I won't realistically be looking for - or getting - any kind of job before January so I've got a maximum of 7 months of work life ahead of me.
Which brings me to the "why bother?" question. Is is really worth my while to go through everything -- continue to set up my own LLC, find a job, start working, try to balance it all with kids and home life, etc for only 8 months? The answer, of course, is "yes" because I know all to well from my own prior experience that denying myself such short-lived opportunities is not in my best interests. I know that I should bother and should welcome any experiences that come my way - even if they are short-lived - because they will, in the end, make my life richer and make me a happier, more independent person.
But the question is still there and I still try to ignore it. But perhaps, instead of ignoring that little voice that incessantly asks, "why bother?", I should answer it with "because I'm worth it!"
Monday, 21 November 2011
It Never Rains, but it Pours
And in these parts, it's been raining jobs. I know, it's been a topic of choice here lately, but it's just all so freakin' exciting! For me, at least -- and I hope at least some of you are just a wee bit excited for me, too.
After lamenting for ages about how varied the difficulties surrounding me and the possibility of my working were, it seems that I have overcome most of them. Yes, it's true! I have filed papers for my own business and have secured a place to work out of. It's kind of a temporary situation, but we'll see how it goes and what will come of it. The main thing is that I have somewhere to start from -- an actual office with other holistic therapists. It's fantastic! (At present, I have no clients, but that will come. One thing at a time.)
I have also been assisting my Reiki teacher as she teaches classes as well as helping her at her home office. It's not a lucrative job (I trade my time for sessions with her or discounts off classes I take with her) but it is invaluable for the experience I am gaining. She does what I hope to one day do myself, so helping her out and learning how she does what she does is more valuable for me than a paycheck. She is not only smart and savvy but also a wonderful person, so the more time I get to spend with her (and her awesome husband), the happier I am.
And - speaking of happy - I found out today that my work permit is in the mail and should arrive within the month. Which means that if I decide that I would like to make some money before I get my own business off the ground, I could go work for someone else (who is lucky enough to have more clients than they can handle). Amazing!
But that's not all! It seems this streak of prosperity in the job-world is not mine alone. My husband has also recently been touted as "top candidate" for a job that would not only bring him a promotion but also bring him one step closer to meeting one of his life's goals. There are many negotiations to come and conditions which will need to be met, but these are interesting times for him and his career as well.
As the saying goes: "it never rains, but it pours". This is one time when I won't complain about needing an umbrella.
After lamenting for ages about how varied the difficulties surrounding me and the possibility of my working were, it seems that I have overcome most of them. Yes, it's true! I have filed papers for my own business and have secured a place to work out of. It's kind of a temporary situation, but we'll see how it goes and what will come of it. The main thing is that I have somewhere to start from -- an actual office with other holistic therapists. It's fantastic! (At present, I have no clients, but that will come. One thing at a time.)
I have also been assisting my Reiki teacher as she teaches classes as well as helping her at her home office. It's not a lucrative job (I trade my time for sessions with her or discounts off classes I take with her) but it is invaluable for the experience I am gaining. She does what I hope to one day do myself, so helping her out and learning how she does what she does is more valuable for me than a paycheck. She is not only smart and savvy but also a wonderful person, so the more time I get to spend with her (and her awesome husband), the happier I am.
And - speaking of happy - I found out today that my work permit is in the mail and should arrive within the month. Which means that if I decide that I would like to make some money before I get my own business off the ground, I could go work for someone else (who is lucky enough to have more clients than they can handle). Amazing!
But that's not all! It seems this streak of prosperity in the job-world is not mine alone. My husband has also recently been touted as "top candidate" for a job that would not only bring him a promotion but also bring him one step closer to meeting one of his life's goals. There are many negotiations to come and conditions which will need to be met, but these are interesting times for him and his career as well.
As the saying goes: "it never rains, but it pours". This is one time when I won't complain about needing an umbrella.
Wednesday, 16 November 2011
Distress Signals
I'm confused. Despite the fact that I seem to be putting a positive spin to most things lately and I'm thrilled at the forward momentum of my budding career, I seem to be completely stressed out. The trouble is I can't figure out why. Over the last few weeks, all my usual stress symptoms have begun again: I've been clenching my teeth incessantly, the inflammation around my eye has flared up, I'm biting my nails like mad and, now, to top it all off, I've had a stomachache off and on for the last 3 days. I'm not happy about any of it -- it's unattractive and/or painful -- and I would love to make it all stop, if only I knew what was causing it.
Maybe it's because even though I perceive the recent changes in my life as mostly positive, the changes still create stress. Or maybe I'm stressing over things that I don't even realize I'm thinking about, since there is so much going on. Or maybe I'm afraid that everything I'm doing will be taken away from me. Or maybe I'm lonely. Or maybe this has nothing to do with me and I'm worried about other people. Or maybe it's none of those things.
Maybe this is just my body's way of signalling me to take care of myself amidst all the hub-bub. I've been giving myself reiki, working with crystals, napping and trying to do what I can to destress. It doesn't seem to be doing much good yet so I'll be getting some energy balancing and bodywork in the next couple of days as well to see if that helps. Maybe I just needed reminder that it's not just about my emotional well-being but the physical as well.
Maybe it's because even though I perceive the recent changes in my life as mostly positive, the changes still create stress. Or maybe I'm stressing over things that I don't even realize I'm thinking about, since there is so much going on. Or maybe I'm afraid that everything I'm doing will be taken away from me. Or maybe I'm lonely. Or maybe this has nothing to do with me and I'm worried about other people. Or maybe it's none of those things.
Maybe this is just my body's way of signalling me to take care of myself amidst all the hub-bub. I've been giving myself reiki, working with crystals, napping and trying to do what I can to destress. It doesn't seem to be doing much good yet so I'll be getting some energy balancing and bodywork in the next couple of days as well to see if that helps. Maybe I just needed reminder that it's not just about my emotional well-being but the physical as well.
Tuesday, 15 November 2011
Let Go and Let Flow
I heard a phrase today that perfectly summed up what I've been experiencing the past couple of weeks: "Let Go and Let Flow". It also mirrors a conversation I had last week with a dear friend, who, when asked how he was going to deal with a certain relationship in his life, replied with one simple word: "Flow". This friend happens to be a master of flow, so it didn't surprise me that he planned to approach things that way. What did surprise me was how much those words stuck with me, until I realized that that was precisely what my problem has been: lack of flow.
Any of you following my blog will know that the past few months have been less than ideal, especially on a personal level. About two months ago, after a little more than two years of therapy, my husband decided to stop going to couples counselling (we're still married, just not in therapy, although I still go on my own). That was followed, a month later, by another important relationship coming to an end. It's been a difficult time, to say the least. However, as I adjust to the new circumstances and as the cloud of depression lifts, I have begun to experience and see things from a new perspective.
What I now realize is that instead of focusing on me, I was putting all my energy into my relationships with others and trying to force them to move in directions and at speeds in which they were not yet ready or able to go. Not only did that prevent the relationships from going anywhere, it also prevented the rest of my life from moving in the right direction -- or anywhere at all. It's no wonder I felt like I was constantly swimming upstream! I wrote about the idea that Everything Happens the Way it's Supposed to Happen, but what I didn't realize was that in order to let things happen they way they are supposed to, I first have to let go. Nothing can happen the way its supposed to with me holding on to it and trying to make something else happen.
I'll be the first to admit that being forced to let go was not easy. It still isn't, but I'm beginning to understand that you have to Let Go and Let Flow. Because now that I've let go, things are moving, changing, happening -- not necessarily the way that I thought I wanted them to, but in the way that they are supposed to and in a way that, I think, in the long run, will prove to be the right way.
So, I am learning to go with the flow. It's so much easier to travel with the current than to fight against it. I'm going to (try to) relax and see where this river takes me and, perhaps more importantly, figure out who I am and what I want along the way. Then, once I have a better understanding of myself and I have my life in a more stable place, I'll be able to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship with someone else.
Any of you following my blog will know that the past few months have been less than ideal, especially on a personal level. About two months ago, after a little more than two years of therapy, my husband decided to stop going to couples counselling (we're still married, just not in therapy, although I still go on my own). That was followed, a month later, by another important relationship coming to an end. It's been a difficult time, to say the least. However, as I adjust to the new circumstances and as the cloud of depression lifts, I have begun to experience and see things from a new perspective.
What I now realize is that instead of focusing on me, I was putting all my energy into my relationships with others and trying to force them to move in directions and at speeds in which they were not yet ready or able to go. Not only did that prevent the relationships from going anywhere, it also prevented the rest of my life from moving in the right direction -- or anywhere at all. It's no wonder I felt like I was constantly swimming upstream! I wrote about the idea that Everything Happens the Way it's Supposed to Happen, but what I didn't realize was that in order to let things happen they way they are supposed to, I first have to let go. Nothing can happen the way its supposed to with me holding on to it and trying to make something else happen.
I'll be the first to admit that being forced to let go was not easy. It still isn't, but I'm beginning to understand that you have to Let Go and Let Flow. Because now that I've let go, things are moving, changing, happening -- not necessarily the way that I thought I wanted them to, but in the way that they are supposed to and in a way that, I think, in the long run, will prove to be the right way.
So, I am learning to go with the flow. It's so much easier to travel with the current than to fight against it. I'm going to (try to) relax and see where this river takes me and, perhaps more importantly, figure out who I am and what I want along the way. Then, once I have a better understanding of myself and I have my life in a more stable place, I'll be able to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship with someone else.
Friday, 11 November 2011
Remembrance Day
It's Remembrance Day today. Here they call it Veteran's Day but for me it will always be Remembrance Day. And it will likely always be the one day a year that I miss living in Canada most.
My father was in the Royal Canadian Air Force. He joined when he was 17 and served his entire 30 years in peaceful times. Aside from a few years he was stationed in Germany in the early 60's, he was able to remain at home. I didn't realize how lucky he was (and, therefore, we were) until I was much older.
I spent the first 12 years of my life growing up in a military town. We didn't live on the base but its influence on the town was palpable, not just because of the heavy air traffic. It wasn't just the Air Force, either -- there was also a Navy base on the other side of town. There were always people in uniform and, because we were all somehow involved in military life, Remembrance Day was a big affair. There was a large parade every year with hundreds of people in uniform, young and old, including myself as our Brownie and Girl Guide troops often participated in the parades as well. Even at school, there was always an assembly even if it was only a short one as we sang the National Anthem and recited John McRae's poem "In Flanders' Fields".
By the time I was in my teens, we had moved and no longer lived in a military town. For many years I regretted having missed the opportunity to have joined Air Cadets, as I was too young to join before we moved away. However, even living away from the military influence, there was a small Remembrance Day ceremony at the little cenotaph just down the street from my high school. Our music teacher always looked for volunteers to play at the ceremony. One of the trumpets would play "Taps", although I can't remember what the rest of us were there for. I always volunteered to go, not to miss an hour of school like most of the other kids who went, but because I thought it was important. I know it was important to the old men who showed up every year in a suit and tie with their medals and accolades pinned to their chests.
So today is a lot more than 11-11-11 for me. It's the day I miss so many things about home. I miss seeing the cadets selling little poppy pins, even though they called me "Ma'am" long before I thought I could be considered one. I miss seeing those bright red poppies adorn the lapels of dark woolen winter coats. I miss seeing the wreaths laid at the monuments. I miss the parades and ceremonies. I miss hearing someone read "In Flanders Fields". I miss Remembrance Day being remembered -- not by Veteran's Day sales but by something more meaningful, even if it's just wearing a plastic poppy over your heart.
My father was in the Royal Canadian Air Force. He joined when he was 17 and served his entire 30 years in peaceful times. Aside from a few years he was stationed in Germany in the early 60's, he was able to remain at home. I didn't realize how lucky he was (and, therefore, we were) until I was much older.
I spent the first 12 years of my life growing up in a military town. We didn't live on the base but its influence on the town was palpable, not just because of the heavy air traffic. It wasn't just the Air Force, either -- there was also a Navy base on the other side of town. There were always people in uniform and, because we were all somehow involved in military life, Remembrance Day was a big affair. There was a large parade every year with hundreds of people in uniform, young and old, including myself as our Brownie and Girl Guide troops often participated in the parades as well. Even at school, there was always an assembly even if it was only a short one as we sang the National Anthem and recited John McRae's poem "In Flanders' Fields".
By the time I was in my teens, we had moved and no longer lived in a military town. For many years I regretted having missed the opportunity to have joined Air Cadets, as I was too young to join before we moved away. However, even living away from the military influence, there was a small Remembrance Day ceremony at the little cenotaph just down the street from my high school. Our music teacher always looked for volunteers to play at the ceremony. One of the trumpets would play "Taps", although I can't remember what the rest of us were there for. I always volunteered to go, not to miss an hour of school like most of the other kids who went, but because I thought it was important. I know it was important to the old men who showed up every year in a suit and tie with their medals and accolades pinned to their chests.
So today is a lot more than 11-11-11 for me. It's the day I miss so many things about home. I miss seeing the cadets selling little poppy pins, even though they called me "Ma'am" long before I thought I could be considered one. I miss seeing those bright red poppies adorn the lapels of dark woolen winter coats. I miss seeing the wreaths laid at the monuments. I miss the parades and ceremonies. I miss hearing someone read "In Flanders Fields". I miss Remembrance Day being remembered -- not by Veteran's Day sales but by something more meaningful, even if it's just wearing a plastic poppy over your heart.
Wednesday, 9 November 2011
Moving Forward
It's been sort of an unusual week for me: it's been oddly positive. I'm not sure if it's a Law of Attraction phenomenon, whereby I'm feeling more positive (due to the medication I've been taking) and attracting positive events or if it's just coincidence. In any case, there was almost a bit of an upward spiral going on for a few days, which is something I'm almost entirely unfamiliar with.
This is not to say that my week has not been without its ups and downs. Yesterday, in fact, was a huge emotional rollercoaster and I've had my share of less-than-happy moments. I'm still stressed about many things but if I had to average out the week's experiences, I'd end up with a positive balance.
Most of the positive change has been happening on the career front, to varying degrees of success: I had my first real client, a friend called to discuss a business venture and I have a very promising lead on a space to rent which would allow me to set up my own practice. My client paid me more than I asked for, rebooked and went home happy -- I couldn't have asked for more. The business venture with the friend is probably not going to work out, due to geographic issues, but is still an interesting idea. The space to rent is in a holistic therapy office and looks very good at this point but we are not rushing into anything and plan to have a longer conversation next week. So, while none of these are huge accomplishments, I am thrilled about every baby step I take and I am more than pleased that things are moving in the right direction.
Even on the immigration front, things are moving forward. Our visa extensions have been filed, my work permit has been filed and... I was accepted for a credit card! Now, some of you may scoff but those of you who have never lived in a foreign country (or moved to the US from another country) will likely not understand how monumental it is to be able to establish a credit rating. Again, none of these things on their own are really very exciting, but put together, they are building me a bridge to security and independence.
So it seems that things are finally moving -- slowly but surely. I've realized that not everything can move at the pace I want it to and not everything moves at the same time. While these aspects of my life have gained some momentum, other aspects have stopped completely. However, I'm sure that one day those other things will start moving again as well -- hopefully also in a direction that brings positive change.
This is not to say that my week has not been without its ups and downs. Yesterday, in fact, was a huge emotional rollercoaster and I've had my share of less-than-happy moments. I'm still stressed about many things but if I had to average out the week's experiences, I'd end up with a positive balance.
Most of the positive change has been happening on the career front, to varying degrees of success: I had my first real client, a friend called to discuss a business venture and I have a very promising lead on a space to rent which would allow me to set up my own practice. My client paid me more than I asked for, rebooked and went home happy -- I couldn't have asked for more. The business venture with the friend is probably not going to work out, due to geographic issues, but is still an interesting idea. The space to rent is in a holistic therapy office and looks very good at this point but we are not rushing into anything and plan to have a longer conversation next week. So, while none of these are huge accomplishments, I am thrilled about every baby step I take and I am more than pleased that things are moving in the right direction.
Even on the immigration front, things are moving forward. Our visa extensions have been filed, my work permit has been filed and... I was accepted for a credit card! Now, some of you may scoff but those of you who have never lived in a foreign country (or moved to the US from another country) will likely not understand how monumental it is to be able to establish a credit rating. Again, none of these things on their own are really very exciting, but put together, they are building me a bridge to security and independence.
So it seems that things are finally moving -- slowly but surely. I've realized that not everything can move at the pace I want it to and not everything moves at the same time. While these aspects of my life have gained some momentum, other aspects have stopped completely. However, I'm sure that one day those other things will start moving again as well -- hopefully also in a direction that brings positive change.
Wednesday, 2 November 2011
The Cave
I've learned something about myself in the past week. It happened while I stood in my kitchen, staring at a bottle of St John's Wort, debating with myself over whether or not I should start taking it (again). It was rather interesting to have the awareness of my right and left brain arguing with each other and even more surprising to hear what they had to say. The facts were overwhelmingly in favour: SJW is an herbal anti-depressant and I've been more depressed than usual lately, making it rather difficult to function and lead a productive life. The arguement against taking it was what surprised me: I *like* being depressed. Of course, the practical side won out, I started taking the SJW and, as I suspected, it's done me a world of good. It's been nearly a week now & I'm beginning to take a few cautious steps out of my Cave.
The realization of how much I actually like my Cave (aka the Pit of Despair) has really got me thinking, as well it should. I am fully aware of how dangerous it is to like being there -- I am at constant risk of staying there and never coming out, which would be bad, to say the least. I figured out pretty quickly why I like it there, though: it's dark, it's quiet, it's cozy and, best of all, it's safe. I can hide away from all the shit going on in the world around me and not have to deal with any of it. It's much, much easier to live in the Cave than out in the real world.
I like my Cave so much, in fact, that (over the years) I've actually sort of trained myself to look for, and focus on, (negative) things that will send me running for cover. I even went so far as to marry someone whom I sometimes tend to experience as oppressive so I'd have an excuse to seek shelter close at hand. Crazy.
What I need to do now is figure out why I find the real world so frightening. Given the current state of upheaval, I really do have a lot to be afraid of, but there's probably bigger, more general reasons, too. Like my tendency toward perfectionism (which I honestly thought I'd sort of outgrown, but apparently not) and, perhaps, lonliness. I'm going to have to take a close look at myself over the next while and try to analyze what goes on and what it is that is likely to make me want to return to the Cave. Needless to say, it's going to be a challenge.
I also really need to decide - for myself - that I don't want to go back; that I really do want to stay out in the Light and be a healthy, happy, productive person with my own personal skills and strengths that make me an awesome person who can stand up for herself on her own two feet. Sounds like kind of a tall order, but it sounds pretty good, too...
The realization of how much I actually like my Cave (aka the Pit of Despair) has really got me thinking, as well it should. I am fully aware of how dangerous it is to like being there -- I am at constant risk of staying there and never coming out, which would be bad, to say the least. I figured out pretty quickly why I like it there, though: it's dark, it's quiet, it's cozy and, best of all, it's safe. I can hide away from all the shit going on in the world around me and not have to deal with any of it. It's much, much easier to live in the Cave than out in the real world.
I like my Cave so much, in fact, that (over the years) I've actually sort of trained myself to look for, and focus on, (negative) things that will send me running for cover. I even went so far as to marry someone whom I sometimes tend to experience as oppressive so I'd have an excuse to seek shelter close at hand. Crazy.
What I need to do now is figure out why I find the real world so frightening. Given the current state of upheaval, I really do have a lot to be afraid of, but there's probably bigger, more general reasons, too. Like my tendency toward perfectionism (which I honestly thought I'd sort of outgrown, but apparently not) and, perhaps, lonliness. I'm going to have to take a close look at myself over the next while and try to analyze what goes on and what it is that is likely to make me want to return to the Cave. Needless to say, it's going to be a challenge.
I also really need to decide - for myself - that I don't want to go back; that I really do want to stay out in the Light and be a healthy, happy, productive person with my own personal skills and strengths that make me an awesome person who can stand up for herself on her own two feet. Sounds like kind of a tall order, but it sounds pretty good, too...
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