Too Much to Do

A few months ago, I wrote about wanting to do it all.  I have a multitude of things going on and I love all of it.  My parents recently came to visit and my mother marvelled at how I can possibly do as much as I do.  It's been rather a slow realization but I've finally concluded that I actually really am trying to do too much.  I really can't have it all.  And stay sane.

As my workload at school has increased (with major exams looming in the not-too-distant future) and as the stress and mess of my home life has multiplied logarithmically, I have decided that I need to cut back on my extra-curricular activities.  Something meant to be fun should not cause me stress. Some of this has been naturally occurring due to a grand lack of free time (you may have noticed I haven't posted here in a while...) but I've also decided that in order to refocus more my energy on the things that are really important, a few other things will have to go on the back burner.  At least for the time being.

In addition to the everyday duties of being the family matriarch, this is how I've arranged my priorities:

1. School (homework and studying) is being bumped up into top position.  It was already there, but I do really need to put in more time and effort than I have been.
2. Life.  After living in the US for nearly 7 years, I finally got myself a SSN this week (better late than never, right?).  This is the first step in becoming an actual person in this country.  With the golden ticket in hand, I can now go ahead and do other things to establish myself here in proper fashion (renew my driver's license, get a work permit, etc.).  
3. The Gym.  Not only do I love going, I also love my trainer and I love the results.  I also love that working out is such a great antidote to depression (along with the St. John's Wort supplements I've been taking -- I'm so much more stable!).
4. Guitar Lessons.  Since I'm taking them together with my daughter - on the rare occasion I'm not in school on a Saturday - and since practicing requires less than a half hour a day, I'm finding it easier to squeeze in.
5. Dance.  While I had been trying to make this a top priority and work towards a competition, I've realized that it was just causing me way too much anxiety.  This is something that, from now on, will have to remain something that I do for fun whenever I have the time to do it.  No need to stress about regular lessons or competitions -- I'll get to lessons when I can and perform when I can work it into my schedule.
6. Writing.  Whenever I have a  few free minutes. something to say and the wherewithall to say it coherently, I shall continue to write.  It likely won't be often, but I hope to find some way to put my thoughts down somewhere.

So, really, that doesn't look too bad.  And with the kids getting out of school for the summer in a few weeks and some of their regular lessons/activities ending for the season, my matriarchal duties will decrease a great deal as well.  If all goes as planned, I'll be able to combine my duties in an enjoyable manner: the kids can swim at the beach while I find a nice shady spot to study.

The Wall

For the past while I've barricaded myself behind a big, strong wall.  Figuratively speaking, of course.  About two months ago, something happened that hurt me immensely.  Although the event in and of itself was hurtful, it was also one of many similar events that had occurred over the past half year and it ended up being the straw that broke the camel's back, as it were.  Only it wasn't the camel's back that broke, it was me.

In order to protect myself from further pain, I built myself a grand fortress in which to live.  I did not want to let myself be hurt like that again and a wall seemed the only way to go about it.  Having lived within the confines of my fortress for the following couple of months, I've learned a few things.

I learned that living in a state of permanent defense and fear is not a good way to live.  While my wall was built to keep out certain events and keep certain people at a distance, it ended up negatively affecting all of me and all aspects of my life.

I learned that if anyone tries to break down my wall or tries to suggest I take it down, the more steadfastly I hide behind it.  If I'm going to let down my defenses, I need to do it of my own accord and in my own time.

I learned that although in some ways I feel protected, a wall does not stop others from acting as they will and does not stop me from having to react to those actions and deal with the consequences.  My wall does not stop the world from turning.

I've realized that living in my fortress - no matter how grand and well-constructed - simply is not the best way to go through life.  I need to find another, better way to do it.  I'm not quite ready to completely give up the protection it provides, and in my current situation I doubt I ever will be.  Perhaps, instead of building a fortress in the midst of danger, I just need to live in a safer place.

Cheers

Let's talk about something positive for a while, shall we?  I'm sure you've noticed I have dramatic mood swings and there's a lot in my life at the moment that pulls me down -- very, far down, sometimes -- but there are also a few things in my life that keep me going and are thoroughly positive influences on myself and my mood.  Today I'm going to focus on just one of those: exercise.

Since about February, I've been going to the gym regularly.  I have always tried to stay in shape/exercise/be healthy but due to all the other stuff going on, I had let my gym membership lapse and was noticing the effects on both my body and my self-esteem.  So, I joined the gym again and even went so far as to hire a personal trainer.  I eased myself back into a routine of working out, which included seeing my trainer once a week.  After a couple of months, we bumped it up a notch and I now see my trainer twice a week and hit the gym another couple of days on my own.

Not only do I really, honestly love working out, but I am finally starting to see results!  It's so rewarding when you do something you enjoy and have the added bonus of doing something good for yourself at the same time.  There's also a great sense of accomplishment when I'm able to add more weight to the stack or realize I can do things I never thought I could (push-ups!).

So, here's to exercise, the mood-boosting seratonin it releases and the self-esteem-boosting body I'm building! (And another cheer to my trainer, who is helping me get there).

Understanding

I am terrible at explaining myself.  We all know I've been trying to access my emotions and express them better, which I think has been going ok -- I think there's been an improvement, at least -- but it seems I still fail miserably when trying to explain myself.  It's one thing to say this is how I feel but it's quite another for me to explain why.

So, I suppose it shouldn't be any wonder when I feel that some people Just. Don't. Get. It.

I've tried explaining.  I've tried repeating.  I've tried, really I have.  And despite it all, and despite all the assurances about how accepting they are, what they end up telling me is how I should feel.  That if I would just change how I feel, everything would be better.  What they don't seem to get, despite all my attempted explanations is that a) I can't just change how I feel and b) I do not think that changing how I feel would be beneficial for me in any way.  

Why don't they get that?

Suspense

I am hanging by a thread.  I'm not sure how it's able to hold my weight plus that of the burden of these thoughts I am presently carrying.  It's a precarious position to be in and I'm not sure if, or how long, this thread might hold.  Or what will happen should it break.  On the one hand, disappearing might not be a bad option -- it would be the easiest way to escape the choices I must face.  On the other hand, it's really not a feasible option and not one that would help me reach my end goal of Happiness.  There are difficult decisions I must face and eventually come to a conclusion about.  However, in the meantime, while I carefully consider the costs of each, I dangle over a great abyss, wondering when I'm going to fall.

Good Times

This past weekend, I had the immense pleasure of having out-of-town guests come to visit.  Having just survived a couple of rough weeks, I really wasn't in the best shape to be having company but given that the guests were my BFF and her two darling daughters, I wasn't too horrified that my house and my being were not in perfect shape.

They arrived Friday night and left Sunday afternoon and in between we did a lot of, well, nothing: we hung out, ate, chatted, the kids played. 

Saturday evening, however, found us at a ceilidh, where I was taking part in a highland dance performance and to which the rest of the family and the visiting friends got dragged along to watch.  I was expecting a much more welcoming kind of party in which we, the performers, and our guests could also participate.  Alas, this was a much more formal affair so there wasn't much for us to do.  Luckily, the wee ones found a table with colouring pages and a man who made balloon animals so their evening was a complete success.  The rest of us had to do without the balloons, but I always love to dance so I ended up enjoying myself as well.

Since the party was uninviting, we were home relatively early, leaving us the rest of the night to have a girls night with my BFF, my daughter (age 9), my host daughter (exchange student, age 18) and her friend (age 22), who is staying with us for a few weeks.  We two older girls broke open a bottle of wine and the five of us proceeded to spend the next few hours playing Dance Dance Revolution and Band Hero on the Wii.  Much laughter ensued.  Eventually, the younger 3 girls decided it was time for bed, leaving BFF and me to try to polish off the second bottle of wine.  Despite our earnest efforts, fatigue got the better of us and we, too, toddled off to bed before the bottle was empty.

All in all it was a great weekend and I think I can honestly say that I had more fun Saturday night than I have had in months.  Good, honest fun and laughter are magical and their restorative powers are not to be underestimated.  I'm still a far cry from being in a permanently happy place, but at least for one night I was able to forget about my troubles, turn my thoughts to the smiles of those around me and let the good times roll. 

Anger Management

After many months of therapy and several recent weeks of introspection, I concluded that I have a problem with anger.  Specifically, I have misplaced mine.  I have no recollection of getting angry with anyone since I was a teenager.  No fights, no arguments, nothing.  I just don't get angry.  I don't know how.  This is not good.

It turns out that not getting angry has put me in a place I don't like being in.  However, thanks to countless hours with my therapist and many more spent probing my own head, I've come to realize that being angry and expressing it properly is an integral part of emotional health.  So, now, as an adult who has ignored anger for half her life, I need to learn a few new tricks: i) I need to learn how to recognize anger and ii) I need to learn how to express it.

So far, I'm still working on step one.  What I've learned is that there's a huge list of things that have happened in the last 20 years that I'm angry about.  Very angry in some cases.  Unfortunately, it's a bit late to go back and express my opinion about these events now.  Even if I did, I've lost the edge and the impact of my expression will be greatly blunted.  But I've managed to verbalize my list and recognize that these incidents affected me adversely.  That's something, at least.

I'm still very slow to recognize anger.  I still don't get it as it happens -- it usually takes me a day or two to realize what I'm feeling.  The new challenge is to muster up the courage to then do something about it.  My current theory is along the lines of "better late than never".  I figure I'll go with that until I manage to speed up the feeling to thought process.  For years I seem to have just skipped over the feeling part and went straight to thought. (Apparently, I've become very good at avoiding many of my feelings and tend to intellectualize them, but for right now I'm working on anger.)  The ultimate goal, of course, is to merge the feeling with the thought so that I can actually do something about it as it happens.  I've been told it's much more effective that way, and therefore, much healthier.

It's a scary thing, all this self-discovery.  Because once you realize how messed up you are, you really have to just buck up and start fixing things.  It's never easy to admit one's shortcomings and it's even tougher to look them head on and decide to improve upon them, especially if you haven't the foggiest idea how to go about doing it.  But it must be done if I'm ever going to be the happy, healthy person I want to be and need to be.  How can I ever hope to be a successful healer if I can't help myself first?

ps - I was reading this article today and came across this sentence: "Canadians are certainly good and worthy folks, but they suffer an excess of civil obedience, politeness and lack of civic rage that could be harnessed to combat political atrophy."  I wonder if perhaps I couldn't just change the context of this slightly and apply it directly to myself: "As a Canadian, I am good and worthy but suffer an excess of obedience, politeness and lack of rage that should be harnessed to combat emotional atrophy."   

Tears II

It sucks when you realize how messed up you are.  After weeks of introspection and a visit to my therapist to discuss my findings, that's exactly what happened: I found out how truly messed up I am (at least in certain respects).  The other thing that happened was that my therapist told me that it was ok to feel what I had been avoiding for a very, very, very long time.  The result was that I began to cry -- and continued to cry, sometimes wail, off and on for two days.  Today, at least, I've managed to get through the day without shedding any tears (although I came close this morning), which, oddly enough, I'm not sure I consider an improvement.  I'm still a mess and I expect to be for the foreseeable future but I know that it's all part of the journey.  All this learning and growing is tough shit.  The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I'll be a better, stronger and happier person if I ever make it through. 

Tears

So many tears.  So many reasons for them.  So many feelings causing them.  Anger, fear, frustration, doubt, sadness, confusion, despair.  I don't even know where to start making sense of it all so for now I won't.  For now I let them fall, slide, drip, run.  Release and cleanse.  I won't think about what they mean, I'll just accept them for what they are.  They are me.  They are my emotions.  And for now, I have no other way of expressing them but in tears.

Relate and Repopulate

The other day I was talking to a friend of mine about being alone.  She is a single (widowed) mom to two young girls and knows very well what it means to be alone.  However, the conversation we were having was not about her, but about me.


Over the course of the past 15 years I have moved a lot: I've lived in 10 cities in 5 countries.  What this means is that I have a multitude of friends all over the world but that, whenever I end up in a new place, I am more or less alone and have to be very reliant upon myself.  I think I've done a pretty good job of it, having raised my kids thus far without the help of anyone but my husband and having negotiated the day to day doldrums of setting up house and making a life for my myself and my family on 3 continents.  This also means that I have always lived far away from family and have never lived in one place long enough to have built up any sort of support network of friends.  Usually, by the time I've lived anywhere long enough to have a close, reliable circle of people I can trust, we move.  So, I'm pretty used to being on my own.

Let me interject here that being alone is not the same as being lonely.  Being alone does not necessarily cause one to be lonely, and one can feel tremendously alone even when surrounded by people.  But loneliness aside, I have lately become very aware of how very alone I am at present: no extended family around, I've let most of my local friendships lapse and my marriage is not what it should be. 


But, after pondering this for some time, I've decided that there is a reason for my present situation.  As a friend of mine said, I'm figuring out who I am so I can be my own person, find my own path and put the people I need and want on that path with me.  It would seem that I have deftly and unconsciously depopulated my life so that I can, at some point, repopulate it with people who understand me, support me and love me for who I am.