I Want It All

On Saturday night, I had the immense pleasure of participating in a dance performance at a ceilidh.  I always love to take part in performances as they offer me the opportunity to dance without being subject to the critical eyes of judges at competitions.  Performing at a ceilidh is even more fun, because there's no better audience than those who are at a large celtic party.  I also get to enjoy the festivities and other performances (bagpipers, bands, other dancers) when I am not dancing.  It's most enjoyable.

However, on Saturday night, much to my dismay, I did not perform at my best.  It might have actually been one of my worst.  I danced 3 of 5 dances well, and made one small mistake in a 4th dance.  But I really, really messed up one dance very badly and I am having trouble finding adequate excuses for it.  I'm going to write it off as a bad case of nerves -- and possibly being nervous for my little friend who was performing for the very first time.  In any case, it was a terrible demonstration of the skills and talents I have been aquiring over the past 5 years.

It was also a bit of a reality check.  Over the past couple of years I have found it more and more difficult to even get to dance class regularly, let alone practice in between lessons.  I have been toying with the idea of competing again soon, for mostly practical 'institutional' reasons (which are rather complicated and to get into the details here would serve no purpose).  I do also sort of miss the competitions.  I get horribly nervous but I do love the feeling I get when I've faced the competition and done my best -- especially if I get to take home awards.  But what I realized after Saturday night is that I am really in no shape to be competing anytime soon. 

It seems that with everything else that is going on, I have spread myself a little too thin to be really any good at any one thing.  In typical Gemini fashion, I love variety and have been allowing myself to do it all.  Or at least try to.  Currently, I play my roles as mother, wife, chauffeur, student, and massage therapist while still trying to attend dance and guitar lessons, go to yoga and the gym.  The trouble is that I love it all and I don't want to give any of it up. 

I guess what I have to consider is what is more important: feeding all my areas of interest and well-being or depriving myself of a few of my creative outlets to be able to really excel at those that are left.  I will no doubt find the answer to this question after my next dance competition (whenever that may be), when I will very likely go home empty-handed.  Empty, at least in the traditional sense -- but perhaps fuller in the grand scheme of all things.