I went to dance class last night for the first time in 5 months. I've been pretty down the last couple of weeks and I wasn't sure I was really up for it, but I decided that since I had actually remembered class on the right day and there were no other plans to interfere with my going, it was a Sign that I should go. So I did. And I'm very glad that I did.
It was nice to see some faces that I haven't seen in a long time and it was even better to dance again. I also learned a new dance, called the Earl of Erroll, which I think I will really enjoy once I get the steps down. There was much talk amongst the other girls of upcoming competitions. I am certainly not planning to compete anytime soon -- or possibly ever again, although I will welcome opportunities to perform. But for now, I dance because I love it. I can't explain why: there is a social aspect to it, which I certainly do need as well, but for me it is really all about the act of dancing. All I know is that when I dance, I feel good. Quite simply, it makes me happy -- even when nothing else does.
After class, I was commended by one of the other dance moms -- simply for dancing. Yes, she thinks I dance well, and was impressed by how quickly I picked up the new steps, etc but for her, the biggest accomplishment is simply that I do it. She didn't say anything about my age, but it was implied. So I guess that's one thing I've got going for me: I don't let my age stop me from learning new things. Perhaps Highland Dance isn't something most people pick up in their mid-30's but it has done wonders for me, both physically and emotionally and I plan to keep dancing - in some form or another - for a long, long time.
Friday 28 October 2011
Tuesday 25 October 2011
Friendship 101
My therapist pointed out to me that a happier person would have more friends. I don't think he was trying to insult me, he was just stating a fact that more friends would afford more opportunity from which to draw pleasant, reinforcing, self-esteem-building experiences. He tends to be right about these things so I'm sure he's right about this, too. But it's sort of a chicken and egg scenario, isn't it? A happy person has more friends, and mutually beneficial friendships create happiness. So, what exactly does one do when one has neither happiness nor friends? Do I try to build friendships first or make myself happy? Or try to do both simultaneously?
If you've been reading my blog, you'll be aware that I've been trying to work on the happiness thing for quite some time. I really am trying to make positive changes in my life, which are intended to bring about more happiness. But it's slow going when I keep stumbling, and coming up against walls, and having to detour around obstacles and trudge uphill through the mud. Yet somehow, in the end, I always manage to keep moving, hoping that someday I will achieve the as yet elusive, yet much desired, goal.
Despite swimming upstream on my quest for happiness, that task seems easier for me than making friends. For in determining my own happiness, I know what I want to do and need to do. Conversely, finding friends - good, close friends - is a ridiculously difficult challenge. Mostly because it involves putting myself out there: opening up, talking to people, baring my soul, which are not things I'm particularly good at. Also, partly because I find it difficult to meet people who are worth the effort. The result is that I'm very good at making aquaintances. I know hundreds of people all over the world and have spent many wonderful hours in their good company, yet there are very few of those people whom I would call friends. A lot of that is likely my fault -- for not opening up -- but honestly, there are just not that many people I've met whom I want to befriend. I don't "click" with a lot of people. I don't go with the flow. I don't blend. I try -- and in a vastly superficial way, I succeed and put on a good show. The result, however, is that I have very few true friends.
I guess what I need to do is reassess the people in my "network" (I hate that word) and look for any glimmer of promise. Something -- anything -- that would make me want to even try to build upon whatever superficial foundation we may have at this point and see if I can turn it into something more. By talking, and opening up, and putting myself out there. Supposedly, the rewards will outweigh the effort, but it really does seem like an awful lot of work. (It's so much easier just to hang out here under my rock...)
But if I am ever to reach my shiny place and be happy, it seems this is one more thing I need to add to my to-do list. That sounds awful, but maybe once I've made one or two friends, I'll get the hang of it and it won't be so much work. Maybe it'll even put me one step closer to Happiness, just like my therapist says...
If you've been reading my blog, you'll be aware that I've been trying to work on the happiness thing for quite some time. I really am trying to make positive changes in my life, which are intended to bring about more happiness. But it's slow going when I keep stumbling, and coming up against walls, and having to detour around obstacles and trudge uphill through the mud. Yet somehow, in the end, I always manage to keep moving, hoping that someday I will achieve the as yet elusive, yet much desired, goal.
Despite swimming upstream on my quest for happiness, that task seems easier for me than making friends. For in determining my own happiness, I know what I want to do and need to do. Conversely, finding friends - good, close friends - is a ridiculously difficult challenge. Mostly because it involves putting myself out there: opening up, talking to people, baring my soul, which are not things I'm particularly good at. Also, partly because I find it difficult to meet people who are worth the effort. The result is that I'm very good at making aquaintances. I know hundreds of people all over the world and have spent many wonderful hours in their good company, yet there are very few of those people whom I would call friends. A lot of that is likely my fault -- for not opening up -- but honestly, there are just not that many people I've met whom I want to befriend. I don't "click" with a lot of people. I don't go with the flow. I don't blend. I try -- and in a vastly superficial way, I succeed and put on a good show. The result, however, is that I have very few true friends.
I guess what I need to do is reassess the people in my "network" (I hate that word) and look for any glimmer of promise. Something -- anything -- that would make me want to even try to build upon whatever superficial foundation we may have at this point and see if I can turn it into something more. By talking, and opening up, and putting myself out there. Supposedly, the rewards will outweigh the effort, but it really does seem like an awful lot of work. (It's so much easier just to hang out here under my rock...)
But if I am ever to reach my shiny place and be happy, it seems this is one more thing I need to add to my to-do list. That sounds awful, but maybe once I've made one or two friends, I'll get the hang of it and it won't be so much work. Maybe it'll even put me one step closer to Happiness, just like my therapist says...
Monday 24 October 2011
Reality Bites
I think you should know something: for all the plans for (self) improvement and all the optimism I write about here, my reality is really quite different. I do want to make the changes I've written about and I do try to be optimistic, but, honestly, it's not going well.
I've been sleeping half the day for the past week. It's an effective way to avoid dealing with my thoughts and feelings but it leaves me with few hours in the day to actually accomplish anything else, so it's not really very productive.
I'm not eating well and I haven't been to the gym in weeks. I'm really not eating much of anything at all, but a large percentage of what I do end up eating is high in calories and low in nutrition. The combination of eating badly and not exercising is really not a good one, given that I struggle with my body image at the best of times.
I've been having heart palpitations. I should probably see a doctor, but lack whatever it takes to pick up the phone and call. I assume it's due to stress, or to my currently poor health habits but I'm also about 4 months overdue for my annual physical and mammogram so I really should make an appointment.
I didn't sleep well last night. I can always sleep, regardless of whatever else is going on so the fact that I tossed and turned for hours is a bit worrisome.
While I realize that I have slipped and I'm not taking care of myself and my behaviour is not making my situation any better, I completely lack the motivation and will power to do anything about it. I suppose this is something I should talk to my therapist about. I also assume that at some point I'll change my ways back to the way I'd like them to be - and the way they should be - with me taking proper care of myself and doing all the things I've promised myself I would do to make my life a better one. In the meantime, I think I need a nap before I start crying again...
I've been sleeping half the day for the past week. It's an effective way to avoid dealing with my thoughts and feelings but it leaves me with few hours in the day to actually accomplish anything else, so it's not really very productive.
I'm not eating well and I haven't been to the gym in weeks. I'm really not eating much of anything at all, but a large percentage of what I do end up eating is high in calories and low in nutrition. The combination of eating badly and not exercising is really not a good one, given that I struggle with my body image at the best of times.
I've been having heart palpitations. I should probably see a doctor, but lack whatever it takes to pick up the phone and call. I assume it's due to stress, or to my currently poor health habits but I'm also about 4 months overdue for my annual physical and mammogram so I really should make an appointment.
I didn't sleep well last night. I can always sleep, regardless of whatever else is going on so the fact that I tossed and turned for hours is a bit worrisome.
While I realize that I have slipped and I'm not taking care of myself and my behaviour is not making my situation any better, I completely lack the motivation and will power to do anything about it. I suppose this is something I should talk to my therapist about. I also assume that at some point I'll change my ways back to the way I'd like them to be - and the way they should be - with me taking proper care of myself and doing all the things I've promised myself I would do to make my life a better one. In the meantime, I think I need a nap before I start crying again...
Sunday 23 October 2011
A Teardrop a Day...
... may keep the doctor away but it certainly keeps the therapist close at hand.
I wonder if I will ever stop crying. I cry so much and so often and although I do stop every now and then, I don't think I've managed much more than a week at a time over the past year or so without shedding a tear. Any number of emotions will trigger it: sadness, anger, fear, frustration, and, similarly, any other negative feeling I happen to be experiencing. Which, alas, seems to be all the time.
I can think back on times when I would go years without crying. Then, on the rare occasion when I would cry, the tears were usually provoked by a movie or book or tv commercial. I cried because of other people's situations and the emotions they were suffering.
But times have changed. I hope, one day, they will change back again. I can't go the rest of my life having this much reason to cry, right? I have to believe it's just a phase (a really long phase) that I'm working through and someday I will come out the other side with a smile on my face and maybe, just maybe, tears of joy...
I wonder if I will ever stop crying. I cry so much and so often and although I do stop every now and then, I don't think I've managed much more than a week at a time over the past year or so without shedding a tear. Any number of emotions will trigger it: sadness, anger, fear, frustration, and, similarly, any other negative feeling I happen to be experiencing. Which, alas, seems to be all the time.
I can think back on times when I would go years without crying. Then, on the rare occasion when I would cry, the tears were usually provoked by a movie or book or tv commercial. I cried because of other people's situations and the emotions they were suffering.
But times have changed. I hope, one day, they will change back again. I can't go the rest of my life having this much reason to cry, right? I have to believe it's just a phase (a really long phase) that I'm working through and someday I will come out the other side with a smile on my face and maybe, just maybe, tears of joy...
Tuesday 18 October 2011
Everything Happens (The Way It's Supposed to Happen)
Last week I ran away. Well, sort of. I had been planning to get away in order to destress after graduation, and finally - a month later - I managed to do it. The decision was rather last minute but I went with it and before I could think too much about it, I was on a train. I proceeded to spend 3 days in Chicago and 2 days in Milwaukee. (Why Milwaukee? No, not for the beer or Laverne & Shirley but because the Harley-Davidson Museum is there.) I walked a lot, saw some sights, took some great photos and, most importantly, had lots of time to think.
I wish I could say I had some monumental revelations while I was away but alas, I did not. I did have a few insightful ideas and, thanks to a book I read that week, I decided that I need to make some changes. Most importantly, I need to make much better use of my time. Since I graduated, I've been floundering. I was so busy and so stressed out while I was in school and now that school is finished, I have way too much time on my hands -- and I'm not using it effectively. So, I've decided to try to focus my energy and do something positive with it. I need to spend some time every day doing what I want and need to do for myself: meditate, do reiki, read & learn more about reiki (and massage), seriously think about my future and what I want it to look like and be like and figure out how to make it so. It's going to take some discipline to make new habits but it shouldn't be too hard once I get going.
Also, while I was away, there was (yet another) serious upheaval in my personal life. It has given me plenty more food for thought. Partly I'm asking myself the same questions I've been asking myself for the past year or two, with a few new questions thrown in. In the end, it all leads back to the same issues about Me, who I am, what I want and how I got to be where I currently am. Right now I don't seem to have (m)any answers. The only thing I know for certain is that Everything Happens The Way It's Supposed to Happen. And knowing that will hopefully lead me to learn from all of this and end up in a better, brighter place.
I wish I could say I had some monumental revelations while I was away but alas, I did not. I did have a few insightful ideas and, thanks to a book I read that week, I decided that I need to make some changes. Most importantly, I need to make much better use of my time. Since I graduated, I've been floundering. I was so busy and so stressed out while I was in school and now that school is finished, I have way too much time on my hands -- and I'm not using it effectively. So, I've decided to try to focus my energy and do something positive with it. I need to spend some time every day doing what I want and need to do for myself: meditate, do reiki, read & learn more about reiki (and massage), seriously think about my future and what I want it to look like and be like and figure out how to make it so. It's going to take some discipline to make new habits but it shouldn't be too hard once I get going.
Also, while I was away, there was (yet another) serious upheaval in my personal life. It has given me plenty more food for thought. Partly I'm asking myself the same questions I've been asking myself for the past year or two, with a few new questions thrown in. In the end, it all leads back to the same issues about Me, who I am, what I want and how I got to be where I currently am. Right now I don't seem to have (m)any answers. The only thing I know for certain is that Everything Happens The Way It's Supposed to Happen. And knowing that will hopefully lead me to learn from all of this and end up in a better, brighter place.
Friday 7 October 2011
Why (Not) Me?
I was having a pretty good day -- or so I thought. I could feel it nagging at me for hours but it wasn't until I put all the pieces together late this afternoon that my day - and my mood - went belly up. It was a culmination of things, as it usually is, which began this morning and continued to build until I put the last block on the top of the tower, bringing it crashing down. It's never good when my mood topples and I find it extraordinarily difficult to stop crying once I start. As my therapist said, when I access a feeling, I do so fully and completely, and it usually overtakes me (which is why I suppress so much -- because dealing with the feelings is so overwhelming). But I digress...
What should have been a nice day with good news, turned out to be a day filled with multiple examples of everything I can't do being thrown in my face. Or so it felt... It began this morning when a friend updated her Facebook status saying how much she loves her new job. This friend was a classmate of mine and I really am thrilled for her that she was able to find a great job so quickly after graduation. It continued this afternoon when my husband confirmed that we would be picking up his snazzy new car this evening. It's a great car and, to make it even better, most of the lease price and the insurance will be paid for by his company.
The trigger that turned this happiness to misery? Discovering that even secured credit cards are subject to approval. (Wtf? It's my money, what do they need to approve?) This news mires me even further in the evil circle of "I can't get credit because I have no credit history and can't build a history because I can't get credit".
So, my friend is happily working away while I sit here twiddling my thumbs and trying every which way I can to figure out how to get some kind of work permit, Green Card or loophole that would allow me to work. Meanwhile, my husband goes out and leases himself an awesome new car while I can't even get a cell phone contract because I have no credit history.
I really don't think I'm asking for much: I just want to be a normal, independent person and do what everyone else can do: get a job, buy a car, get a smartphone. All. By. Myself.
And yes, I know it will happen. I will be able to do all these wonderfully normal things that everyone else takes for granted. It will just take time and I will need patience... and another box of Kleenex for the days when the frustration overwhelms me...
What should have been a nice day with good news, turned out to be a day filled with multiple examples of everything I can't do being thrown in my face. Or so it felt... It began this morning when a friend updated her Facebook status saying how much she loves her new job. This friend was a classmate of mine and I really am thrilled for her that she was able to find a great job so quickly after graduation. It continued this afternoon when my husband confirmed that we would be picking up his snazzy new car this evening. It's a great car and, to make it even better, most of the lease price and the insurance will be paid for by his company.
The trigger that turned this happiness to misery? Discovering that even secured credit cards are subject to approval. (Wtf? It's my money, what do they need to approve?) This news mires me even further in the evil circle of "I can't get credit because I have no credit history and can't build a history because I can't get credit".
So, my friend is happily working away while I sit here twiddling my thumbs and trying every which way I can to figure out how to get some kind of work permit, Green Card or loophole that would allow me to work. Meanwhile, my husband goes out and leases himself an awesome new car while I can't even get a cell phone contract because I have no credit history.
I really don't think I'm asking for much: I just want to be a normal, independent person and do what everyone else can do: get a job, buy a car, get a smartphone. All. By. Myself.
And yes, I know it will happen. I will be able to do all these wonderfully normal things that everyone else takes for granted. It will just take time and I will need patience... and another box of Kleenex for the days when the frustration overwhelms me...
Monday 3 October 2011
Lest We Forget
It's funny, the things we forget. Yesterday, I went to the bookstore and as I crossed the store to the section I was aiming for, I passed through the "Health" section. My eyes scanned the titles as I walked down the aisle and fell upon a book entitled "PCOS for Dummies". (It's not surprising that I noticed, it being the glaring black & yellow of the "Dummies" books and the acronym blazing all its capitol letters down its spine.) Seeing the book made me stop, pick it up and give it a quick read. Why? Because I have PCOS.
PCOS stands for PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome. It's an aptly-named syndrome: affected women have multiple cysts on their ovaries that cause a hormone imbalance -- and a slew of other symptoms. The syndrome part basically means that the symptoms are so diverse and present so differently on everyone affected that they can't call it a disease. I have a fairly mild version, I suppose, in that I don't have too many of the usual symptoms, which include:
Luckily, as I said, I don't have all that going on, but it could change. Most of the symptoms I have aren't really that problematic, or they tend not to bother anyone but me and they've become normal for me. The worst culprit on the above list, for me and I'm sure for those I live with and interact with, are the "mood disorders". I've discussed my depression before but because PCOS is a hormonal issue, the result is that I'm really moody. (I don't get PMS, likely because I'm permanently that way.)
Finding this book yesterday was a wake-up call for me in many ways. I was reminded that I have a fairly major health issue but because its traces in my life are subtle and because I've been living with them for so long (13 years since I was diagnosed, 21 years since I noticed something was up), I've become used to it. I forget that there is a reason -- a solid, physiological reason -- for the way that I am.
It also reminded me how easy it is to get used to an unpleasant situation and let that become normal. When you find yourself facing things you'd rather not, or when you see that there's little you can do to change things, or when the symptoms are subtle, you simply tell yourself to suck it up, get over it and move on and all those problems and hurts simply become your normal. But every once in a while, something happens -- the pain increases, a new symptom presents -- and you realize that you've been soldiering on for too long and that just because this has become your normal, it doesn't mean that it should be.
PCOS stands for PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome. It's an aptly-named syndrome: affected women have multiple cysts on their ovaries that cause a hormone imbalance -- and a slew of other symptoms. The syndrome part basically means that the symptoms are so diverse and present so differently on everyone affected that they can't call it a disease. I have a fairly mild version, I suppose, in that I don't have too many of the usual symptoms, which include:
- Multiple ovarian cysts
- Irregular or absent menses
- Infertility
- Acne
- Obesity or inability to lose weight
- Excessive body or facial hair (hirsutism)
- Insulin resistance and possibly diabetes
- Thinning of scalp hair
- Velvety, hyperpigmented skin folds (acanthosis nigricans)
- High blood pressure
- Polycystic ovaries that are 2-5 times larger than healthy ovaries.
- Impaired lung function
- Sleep apnea
- Fatty liver degeneration (NAFLD)
- Disordered immune system
- Mood disorders, including anxiety and depression
- Appetite disorder
- High blood fats (cholesterol and triglycerides)
- Increased probability of cardiovascular disease or diabetes
- Bacterial infection (H. pylori)
- Increased sensitivity to chronic stress
- Evidence of auto-immune disorders such as Hashimoto's thyroiditis
- Dry Eye syndrome
- Multiple hormone imbalances, commonly including:
- Androgens (testosterone)
- Cortisol
- Estrogens
- FSH (follicle stimulating hormone)
- Insulin
- LH (luteinizing hormone)
- progesterone
- Prolactin
- Thyroid hormones
Luckily, as I said, I don't have all that going on, but it could change. Most of the symptoms I have aren't really that problematic, or they tend not to bother anyone but me and they've become normal for me. The worst culprit on the above list, for me and I'm sure for those I live with and interact with, are the "mood disorders". I've discussed my depression before but because PCOS is a hormonal issue, the result is that I'm really moody. (I don't get PMS, likely because I'm permanently that way.)
Finding this book yesterday was a wake-up call for me in many ways. I was reminded that I have a fairly major health issue but because its traces in my life are subtle and because I've been living with them for so long (13 years since I was diagnosed, 21 years since I noticed something was up), I've become used to it. I forget that there is a reason -- a solid, physiological reason -- for the way that I am.
It also reminded me how easy it is to get used to an unpleasant situation and let that become normal. When you find yourself facing things you'd rather not, or when you see that there's little you can do to change things, or when the symptoms are subtle, you simply tell yourself to suck it up, get over it and move on and all those problems and hurts simply become your normal. But every once in a while, something happens -- the pain increases, a new symptom presents -- and you realize that you've been soldiering on for too long and that just because this has become your normal, it doesn't mean that it should be.
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