A Little Bit of Positivity

Just when I thought I wouldn't be able to continue on this emotional roller coaster much longer without being heavily medicated, something positive happened.  I'm not sure that I'm off the roller coaster, but at least we've stopped to let people on & off.  A little bit of positivity has infected me. In fact, I am near bursting with pride because this morning my son had his first cello performance at school.  He is in 4th grade and has been learning cello at school since September. 

Now, this in itself is not that exciting.  Nor is a 4th grade orchestra performance all that exciting.  What makes it so exciting is that our son has an anxiety disorder called "situational mutism".  Basically, certain situations make him so anxious that he physically shuts down and unable to speak or move.  It's not a choice, it's a reaction.  For him, school is what causes him the most anxiety.  He did not speak a word to his kindergarten teacher(s) or participate in class for the entire school year - other than doing written work.  He couldn't.  Even after he began participating in class and speaking to his teachers, he still had a lot of trouble doing things that put him in a position where people would notice him (reading aloud, presenting, performing, etc).  However, thanks to an amazing therapist and some really supportive friends and teachers, our son has slowly been "coming out of his shell". 

So, for him to be on a stage, front and centre with a hundred or so strangers looking at him is incredible.  For him to then participate while he was up there, playing his instrument and singing along with the class is beyond anything we could have dreamed of.  He was amazing today and I am so immeasurably proud.

Which is just what I needed.

Don't Shoot the Messenger!

It's not the messenger's fault, right?  Or is it?  There are myriad ways of delivering the same message and, yes, sometimes I may well want to shoot the messenger.  I prefer my messengers to have a softer touch, especially if the message is not necessarily a positive one.  I do not like messages conveyed with an air of smug superiority and condescension.  Message received loud and clear but now I have issue with the messenger and have no interest in acting upon the message given.  However, if the message were delivered with a sense of  kindness and understanding I would not only receive the message but I would be more likely to think upon it and try to act upon it.  Perhaps for some thick-skinned individuals the messenger plays a simple, trivial, single-faceted role.  Those are gifted people who can filter out the words and focus on the message.  But some of us are more sensitive to word choice, mannerisms and tone of voice.  For those people, the messenger plays a vital role in not only delivering the message but also in how the message is received and understood.  I, obviously, fall into the second category.  So next time you'd like to tell me something, please say it gently.  Consider my (wildly vascillating) feelings.  And make sure I don't have a gun.

Dream a Little Dream

I've been told that I need to "marinate myself in my dreams".  I'm supposed to not just dream but dream big and let myself become immersed in the dream.  I don't mean the sleeping kind of dreams but the future plan kind of dreams.  I've been trying to do this but it's not working very well.

I am neither a dreamer  nor a planner.  I have difficulty looking into the future and trying to imagine what will be.  I am also far too pragmatic.  Every time I start to dream, I get all caught up in the how-to's and my visions implode in a mire of doubt and impracticality.  I am far happier living each day as it comes.  On occasion I can vaguely plan a week or even a month or two in advance but I can not think in terms of years down the road.  And I've been told I need to.

I'm supposed to have a goal in life.  Something to work towards so that when I get there I will feel a sense of accomplishment and goodness about myself.  I completely understand the theory and I agree that it would be a positive experience.  But it all boils down to the practicalities, which I must first learn to ignore, so that I can let myself dream.  I must turn the mire into marinade and try to look into the future with an open mind and believe that there really are endless - achievable - possibilities.  Can I do that?

Welcome to the New Blog

I was told - again - today that I should start a blog.  I kept a blog last Fall for a short while, but the subject matter wasn't working for me and I felt like I was complaining all the time.  So I'm starting anew.  Fresh.  Clean.  This blog needs to be about me, rather than everyone else in my life.  I can't promise that this will make for fabulous reading, but I hope that you will bear with me and help me through this journey I have embarked upon to figure out who I am, how I got here and how I can become the person I want and need to be.  I will try to be diligent in my writing and I hope that, in turn, you will not be judgemental and that you will be honest in your comments.  Thanks to Miguel, Katherine & Linc for getting me started - again.


In me is a door
Outside me are walls
Unhinge the latch
and let the bricks fall.

See what is there
I've been hiding so long
It's frightening me
but I hope there's a song

to take hold of my heart,
my body, my soul
and let me break free
to discover new goals.