Yesterday I visited a magic fountain, hoping to find answers. I threw in my penny and peered into the water, waiting for the ripples to subside so that I could see my future reflected clearly at me. Instead, my penny stirred up the sediment on the floor of the fountain and I found myself looking into a murky pool. My reflection was still there, but not in the manner I expected to see. I still got my answers, but not those I had thought I might find. In some respects, what I saw was indeed the opposite of what I expected.
Now my mind is swirling, much like the sediment stirred up by my penny. I am trying to figure out how my expectations could have been so wrong, and I must come to terms with the fact that things may not be as they seem. I must be patient and wait for the debris to settle, so that I might see clearly. Perhaps by the time that happens, I will be willing to accept what I see and embrace my future as it is meant to be, rather than how I imagined it might be.
Friday 24 June 2011
Tuesday 14 June 2011
Don't Stop Believing
I heard it again today: "You have a gift, young lady". This time it came from a client in the massage clinic, who is a 62-year-old student at my school, due to graduate a few months after me, so I like to think she's a fairly good critic. I've been getting rave reviews from all my clients at the clinic lately. So much so that they have even been asking for me. Before I started at the clinic all my friends and family were generous with their praise and compliments, but part of me always felt like they *had* to be nice; that it was expected. Now, after getting positive feedback from complete strangers -- and, better yet, having repeat clients -- I'm really starting to believe that maybe, just maybe, they're right.
But what does that mean if they're right? It means I give a fabulous massage and make people feel wonderful and that thrills me. It means I have conquered Step 1 -- and now it's time for Step 2. Anyone who knows me well, also knows that I have a strong practical side, which is wondering if and how this gift is going to translate into something more concrete (ie. money). Because, at the end of the day, while healing and helping people is certainly my goal, I also need to make a living doing it. So I guess I question if I am really *that* good, that people will want to pay me to make them feel wonderful -- and keep coming back, and tell all their friends.
For possibly the first time in my life, I have plans and dreams and I need to know if they are within reach; that there's a chance they might happen. I need to keep believing that it's possible.
But what does that mean if they're right? It means I give a fabulous massage and make people feel wonderful and that thrills me. It means I have conquered Step 1 -- and now it's time for Step 2. Anyone who knows me well, also knows that I have a strong practical side, which is wondering if and how this gift is going to translate into something more concrete (ie. money). Because, at the end of the day, while healing and helping people is certainly my goal, I also need to make a living doing it. So I guess I question if I am really *that* good, that people will want to pay me to make them feel wonderful -- and keep coming back, and tell all their friends.
For possibly the first time in my life, I have plans and dreams and I need to know if they are within reach; that there's a chance they might happen. I need to keep believing that it's possible.
Sunday 12 June 2011
Number 13
Today is my anniversary. We've been married 13 years. My husband and I probably haven't even spoken that many sentences to each other today. I've spent much of the day trying to figure out what we're supposed to be celebrating today. We're still married, which is something, I guess, but certainly not happily. I know I've been unhappily married for probably half of our marriage and it's not getting any better. Despite 2 years of couples therapy, our relationship is in a downward spiral and it seems we've lost all control of it. The last 6 months have been especially horrendous and despite my trying to figure out how exactly my life became an episode of "Desperate Housewives", I just can't understand how I ended up here; how this became my life.
If there's one thing I've learned at school this year, it's this: everything happens the way it's supposed to happen. I have no idea why it's happening this way and most days I can assure you I wish it was happening some other way -- but it isn't. I'm trying my best to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be learning from all of this but so far it's mostly a mystery. I know I've gleaned a few life lessons so far but obviously there is much more for me to learn, both about myself and about life.
In the meantime, I muddle my way through the days, trying to focus on what I need to and trying to keep my head above water. Some days - like today - I feel like I'm drowning or like I am lost in rough seas and the waves won't stop smashing over me. Most days I don't think the sun will ever shine and calm the waters again -- but I have to believe that they will. In the meantime, I cling to my dreams for my future, hoping they will one day come true.
If there's one thing I've learned at school this year, it's this: everything happens the way it's supposed to happen. I have no idea why it's happening this way and most days I can assure you I wish it was happening some other way -- but it isn't. I'm trying my best to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be learning from all of this but so far it's mostly a mystery. I know I've gleaned a few life lessons so far but obviously there is much more for me to learn, both about myself and about life.
In the meantime, I muddle my way through the days, trying to focus on what I need to and trying to keep my head above water. Some days - like today - I feel like I'm drowning or like I am lost in rough seas and the waves won't stop smashing over me. Most days I don't think the sun will ever shine and calm the waters again -- but I have to believe that they will. In the meantime, I cling to my dreams for my future, hoping they will one day come true.
Saturday 11 June 2011
Unhappy Birthday
Yesterday was my birthday and despite the many, many people (mostly on Facebook) wishing me a "Happy Birthday", my day was decidedly very unhappy.
From the moment I awoke, I could not shake the thought that it would be appropriate (and, yes, poetic) if my life were to end on the day that it began. I tried so hard to focus on the positives of the day: good gifts from my family, hugs from my friends, 100% on my test at school but still I could not surface above the downward pull of my unhappiness for very long. I usually love my birthday but this year I felt there was really very little to celebrate and very little reason to look forward to the start of another year.
Luckily, the arrival of my sister and nieces and a good dinner out brought a smile to my face that evening and I was able to go to bed in somewhat better spirits.
Today I arrived at school to find a big, cheerful bouquet of lilies, roses and alstroemeria waiting for me from one of my classmates. She is one of the brightest lights in my world and she is the embodiment of love. She said she she blessed to know me, but I'm pretty sure the honour is all mine.
Later, in the course of my class, I received my attunement for the second level of Reiki. It's hard to explain what an attunement feels like, and indeed it differs from person to person, but being blessed with Reiki energy is intense and beautiful and today was no different for me. Today I was completely overwhelmed with love and light and happiness and I cried. I cried because it felt amazing and I cried because I realized how much happiness I am lacking in my current life. However, I also realized that I do have something to look forward to in the coming year and in my future: Reiki. Learning and living and loving and finding my happiness through Reiki. Right now that's all I've got.
From the moment I awoke, I could not shake the thought that it would be appropriate (and, yes, poetic) if my life were to end on the day that it began. I tried so hard to focus on the positives of the day: good gifts from my family, hugs from my friends, 100% on my test at school but still I could not surface above the downward pull of my unhappiness for very long. I usually love my birthday but this year I felt there was really very little to celebrate and very little reason to look forward to the start of another year.
Luckily, the arrival of my sister and nieces and a good dinner out brought a smile to my face that evening and I was able to go to bed in somewhat better spirits.
Today I arrived at school to find a big, cheerful bouquet of lilies, roses and alstroemeria waiting for me from one of my classmates. She is one of the brightest lights in my world and she is the embodiment of love. She said she she blessed to know me, but I'm pretty sure the honour is all mine.
Later, in the course of my class, I received my attunement for the second level of Reiki. It's hard to explain what an attunement feels like, and indeed it differs from person to person, but being blessed with Reiki energy is intense and beautiful and today was no different for me. Today I was completely overwhelmed with love and light and happiness and I cried. I cried because it felt amazing and I cried because I realized how much happiness I am lacking in my current life. However, I also realized that I do have something to look forward to in the coming year and in my future: Reiki. Learning and living and loving and finding my happiness through Reiki. Right now that's all I've got.
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