Number 13

Today is my anniversary.  We've been married 13 years.  My husband and I probably haven't even spoken that many sentences to each other today.  I've spent much of the day trying to figure out what we're supposed to be celebrating today.  We're still married, which is something, I guess, but certainly not happily.  I know I've been unhappily married for probably half of our marriage and it's not getting any better.  Despite 2 years of couples therapy, our relationship is in a downward spiral and it seems we've lost all control of it.  The last 6 months have been especially horrendous and despite my trying to figure out how exactly my life became an episode of "Desperate Housewives", I just can't understand how I ended up here; how this became my life.

If there's one thing I've learned at school this year, it's this: everything happens the way it's supposed to happen.  I have no idea why it's happening this way and most days I can assure you I wish it was happening some other way -- but it isn't.  I'm trying my best to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be learning from all of this but so far it's mostly a mystery.  I know I've gleaned a few life lessons so far but obviously there is much more for me to learn, both about myself and about life. 

In the meantime, I muddle my way through the days, trying to focus on what I need to and trying to keep my head above water.  Some days - like today - I feel like I'm drowning or like I am lost in rough seas and the waves won't stop smashing over me.  Most days I don't think the sun will ever shine and calm the waters again -- but I have to believe that they will.  In the meantime, I cling to my dreams for my future, hoping they will one day come true.