Person to Person

My husband said something curious to me the other day when we were talking about how I have been changing over the past couple of months.

Obviously, all the efforts I have been making to become a better Me are doing something.  I think they are doing positive things.  I feel more like the old Me, the Me I was in my early 20's: confident, lively, sexy, fun; someone with things to do and places to go.  I am getting better at recognizing my weaknesses and flaws, which is enabling me to tackle them and to improve upon myself in what I hope is a positive manner.

The conversation I had with my husband came about after having discussed something that had upset me.  Until recently, I never would have said anything, being the chronic conflict avoider that I am.  But the new me brought it up, thus acknowledging my hurt feelings and pointing out to him that said feelings had been hurt.  It was a calm, poignant discussion and went very well.  My husband then said that he appreciated that I had brought it up and that he finds all these changes in me very positive ones.

And that, as a result, I am now more of a person.

Seriously?  Was it that bad?  Was I so chronically dependent and unmotivated that I had actually ceased to be a person in my own right?  Really?

If that's the case, then it seems this journey is going to be a whole lot longer and more intricate than I thought.  It's no longer just about becoming a better Me, but about becoming a whole Me. But no worries, I'm pretty sure I can do it.

Change is in the Air

This morning when I awoke I still had this sentence floating around in my head.  Now, hours later, I think I know why: it's because I am excited about the change.  I desperately need it and I didn't know quite how much until now.

I have always been a person who needs change and I have never been content to do the same thing for very long.  In the 6-year span of highschool and university, I held at least 6 different part-time jobs.  Most of them were in retail, which I enjoyed because there were always different people coming in the store and there was always a bit of unpredictability to the day.  When I started teaching ESL, there was still that same sense of  surprise - you could plan a lesson, but you never really knew what problems or questions would arise.  I also had a different group of students every 6 weeks so while the job itself didn't change, the lessons and the students did.

When I stopped working to become a full-time Mom, my life was such that we moved, on average, every 3 years.  The children grew and their needs changed and whenever things started feeling too stagnant, it would be time to move to a new house, new city, or new country.

What I've realized is that while moving changed my surroundings on a semi-regular basis, I was becoming stagnant.  Everything around me was changing but I wasn't.

Over the past few months, there has been a lot of thinking and introspection going on, which has led me to begin this exploration of a new self and a new life.  This time the changes that are coming are all about me.  They are internal changes, not external, and they are enormous in their worth. 

Confirmations and Affirmations

I love it when things fall into place.  It doesn't happen very often, so when it does, it feels so very good.

Tonight I went to my class.  It was phenomenal for many reasons: I learned new things, I took one more step towards healing myself and it was confirmed to me that I am on the right path.  What more could I ask for?  I am energized and I am so happy, I am shining.

Although the physical cleansing that took place tonight can not be denied its benefits, I think the biggest bringer of my bliss was the confirmation that I am indeed making the right choices.  This has actually been confirmed to me three times this week alone, by three different, unrelated people.  While it is wonderful to have so much encouragement and support from my friends, tonight's encouragement from my teacher meant so much more. 

Change is in the air.  And it's about time.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I've been having some unusual thoughts lately.  While these thoughts have been unusual for me, I acquiesce that they are not that extraordinary for the average person: 

I have been thinking of NOT moving.

As I have previously alluded to - or perhaps even talked about outright - I move a lot.  In fact, since I left my parents' home (the first time) nearly 16 years ago, I have moved 13 times.  I have lived in 5 countries on 3 continents.  I have not lived in the same town for more than 3 1/2 years.  Moving, for me and my family, is constant.  It's what we do.

For the most part, I like it.  I love the adventure of discovering a new place and I love being able to meet new people.  However, there have been some drawbacks to this lifestyle.  First and foremost, there is the beurocracy: the visas and permits that are required to live in a foreign country, which have meant that, for as long as we've been doing this, I have been entirely dependent upon my husband to provide for our family.  This is because a) his company provides us with the necessary paperwork and b) I am generally not allowed to work.  Also, I have found it very difficult to allow myself to start anything, knowing that I will not be able to finish it before we find ourselves packing again.

But lately, as a result of my yearning for more independence and my undertaking new projects for myself (classes, etc) I have found myself toying with the incredible thought of actually NOT moving.  I think I might like to stay in one spot for at least a few more years.  I'd like to be able to get back on my feet and see where this path is leading me.  It's a bit of a scary thought, this wish to be immobile; this wish for something like stability.  But I kind of like the idea of giving myself some time to see where I'm going. 

Maybe the trick is that in order to let myself go, I needn't really go anywhere at all.