Oh, how I would like to stop writing about this topic. I recently discovered a charity (thanks to Stephen Amell from the tv show "Arrow") with the best name ever. It's called "Fuck Cancer". They throw kick-ass parties to kick cancer's ass (their words, not mine) which also engages the younger generation in the cause. But really, it also just sums up what anybody who has ever been touched by the disease is feeling: Fuck Cancer. Seriously.
The latest update, nicely summed up, is that my dad is doing well and my sister is not. My dad went for his 6-month post-treatment check-up (CT scan & blood work) and he appears to be cancer free. Yay! He's feeling good, playing golf and has gained back about half of the 30-some pounds he lost after his surgery last summer.
My sister doesn't have such great news. She has a new brain tumour, which was causing some issues with her balance. Also, she has completely lost the use of her legs. I think this is due to a brain tumour as well but I'm not really sure about that. She doesn't want to know so I don't get much information from her and, well, basically I'm just kind of confused about the information I got from my BIL. I know I don't know what's causing the problem, but I'm unsure if the doctors even know what's causing the problem. She did go in for some radiation and more tests and doctor's appointments are scheduled. Hopefully we'll get some answers soon. Part of the problem is that nobody seems to know if this is a temporary thing or a permanent thing (or if it will get worse). So, for now, my BIL is doing everything to help my sister around. What they need is some professional help: a PSW and, soon, a PT. They can't keep on doing this on their own. It's not good for anybody. Luckily, my sister is in great spirits and has been able to stay positive and keep her sense of humour. Attitude is half the battle and she's got that in spades.
Needless to say, I'm really, really worried about her and what this newest development might mean in the grand scheme of things. When I first learned about the new brain tumour a few weeks ago, it hit me pretty hard. This is the 2nd time in 9 months - while on chemo - that they've found brain tumours. No matter how you look at it, it's not good. We've had scary diagnoses before & they've been managed/overcome. But they're coming quicker and faster and harder all the time. And this last one has been a huge reality check that my sister is not just fighting cancer, she's fighting for her life!
To make it worse, there is absolutely nothing I can do. Sure, I can do little things like take her kids for a few days here or there and I can visit (distraction is often as good as anything else I could physically do). But nothing I do is going to change the situation or make her better. By nature, I am a helper (and a healer) and it is so very hard for me to be so helpless and feel so useless. I am not by nature a worrier, but I find myself worrying a lot these days, which is not helpful for either of us. The worst of it is that I am terribly afraid that things are going to keep getting worse and no one will be able to do anything about it. It sucks.
I have also been feeling very helpless and useless in other ways, particularly on the job front. Tomorrow marks our 1-year anniversary since we moved (back) to Canada and for all practical reasons, I am no further ahead job-wise than I was a year ago. I own my own business and some people have heard of it/me but I still don't have any paying clients. I'm still not making any money. And despite going through phases of applying for jobs working for other people, I haven't been able to find one. I am beyond frustrated. Especially because this keeps me trapped & reliant upon my husband's income.
At the same time, I have noticed that I am also somewhat fussy when it comes to looking for work. I am desperate to make my own money but at the same time I don't want to get a job that I don't like or that will keep me away from my kids too much. Simply put, I would like a daytime job in the healthcare field but since those seem scarce, I have to decide what is more important: the money/independence or my kids. I really don't know what to do. I keep hoping & trusting that the Universe has a Plan and that Things Will Happen The Way They Are Supposed To Happen but it's so hard to wait for everything to work itself out. I've been waiting for things to change for *so* long and I'm just so damn impatient for the changes to happen. So much of my life sucks so much right now. I need things to change. Soon.
On the bright side, the detox diet I've been on for the past 2 months is going incredibly well. I feel so much clearer and healthier, mentally, emotionally & physically. The mental haze I lived with my whole life is gone (I had no idea it was there until it lifted) and I feel more emotionally stable. Even now when my life is sucky and I'm not dealing with it very well, it's not the all-encompassing doom that would take hold of me for days as it did in the past. I have bad days but I don't feel like I'm going to start on the downward spiral into the abyss. Now, it's more like a (sometimes overwhelming) dark cloud, but I know it will dissipate in a day or two. Also, I've lost 11 lbs so far (yay!) and I imagine that this trend will continue for as long as I continue to eat this way. In another month I can start adding various things back into my diet, but I think that by then I won't want to or be able to. For example, the other day my daughter made cupcakes. I had a small bite of one and the sugar nearly made me gag. It literally burned my throat all the way down! Horrible! I've also learned that I don't need to eat nearly as much if what I'm eating is real food. At least food and what I put into my body is one thing I can control in this dismal life of mine!
If anyone reads this, please wish me well & wish for positive change to find me. I'm ready for it.
