I Want It All

On Saturday night, I had the immense pleasure of participating in a dance performance at a ceilidh.  I always love to take part in performances as they offer me the opportunity to dance without being subject to the critical eyes of judges at competitions.  Performing at a ceilidh is even more fun, because there's no better audience than those who are at a large celtic party.  I also get to enjoy the festivities and other performances (bagpipers, bands, other dancers) when I am not dancing.  It's most enjoyable.

However, on Saturday night, much to my dismay, I did not perform at my best.  It might have actually been one of my worst.  I danced 3 of 5 dances well, and made one small mistake in a 4th dance.  But I really, really messed up one dance very badly and I am having trouble finding adequate excuses for it.  I'm going to write it off as a bad case of nerves -- and possibly being nervous for my little friend who was performing for the very first time.  In any case, it was a terrible demonstration of the skills and talents I have been aquiring over the past 5 years.

It was also a bit of a reality check.  Over the past couple of years I have found it more and more difficult to even get to dance class regularly, let alone practice in between lessons.  I have been toying with the idea of competing again soon, for mostly practical 'institutional' reasons (which are rather complicated and to get into the details here would serve no purpose).  I do also sort of miss the competitions.  I get horribly nervous but I do love the feeling I get when I've faced the competition and done my best -- especially if I get to take home awards.  But what I realized after Saturday night is that I am really in no shape to be competing anytime soon. 

It seems that with everything else that is going on, I have spread myself a little too thin to be really any good at any one thing.  In typical Gemini fashion, I love variety and have been allowing myself to do it all.  Or at least try to.  Currently, I play my roles as mother, wife, chauffeur, student, and massage therapist while still trying to attend dance and guitar lessons, go to yoga and the gym.  The trouble is that I love it all and I don't want to give any of it up. 

I guess what I have to consider is what is more important: feeding all my areas of interest and well-being or depriving myself of a few of my creative outlets to be able to really excel at those that are left.  I will no doubt find the answer to this question after my next dance competition (whenever that may be), when I will very likely go home empty-handed.  Empty, at least in the traditional sense -- but perhaps fuller in the grand scheme of all things.

Up 'n' At 'Em

Well, I'm up at least.  After having been down -- very, very down in a deep dark place -- I am back up and functioning in a well-lit world.  This is not to say that I have overcome all the troubles that had me sink into the Depths of Despair* but I have been able to at least find a better, brighter place in which to face them.

This change of perspective happened literally overnight following a conversation I had with a dear friend** in which she gave me a serious virtual and verbal ass-kicking.  It takes a true friend to be able to "tough-love" you into picking yourself up and getting on with things.  There were times during our little talk when I felt like I was a teenager again, being lectured on my wrongdoings and mumbling "I know, I know" as the only form of futile expression I could create.  Because really, I did know.  I knew she was right about everything she was telling me, even though it was not at all what I wanted to hear.  I knew she was right when she said that even though the easiest thing for me to do at the time was to sit in the dark and shun the rest of the world, it was not healthy and was not going to change any of my circumstances.  Sometimes a loving kick in the butt is needed so much more than an understanding, listening ear.  Thank my lucky stars, K knew which role she had to play that night -- and did so with bravado.  She deserves and Oscar for that.  And she deserves the biggest "thank you" that can be mustered, from myself and those around me who were either worried or just plain sick of being around the miserable Me.  K, you truly are a Godsend.  I love you bunches.

* If you unfamiliar with the depths of despair,  please go find yourself a copy of "Anne of Green Gables" by Lucy Maud Montgomery.

** please go visit her at A New Day

(Happy) Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day.  I've already said it once today and I'm sure I will be saying it many more times before the day is done.  It *is* Valentine's Day, but mine is not a Happy one.  Yes, I will go through the motions of exchanging cards, giving trinkets to the children and helping with elementary school festivities.  I will put on my best Valentine's Day face and assume that no one will notice that the Happy is missing.  I will honestly wish everyone I see a Happy Valentine's Day but I know that every time I hear that same wish bestowed upon me, it will remind me that mine is not a Happy Valentine's Day.  Indeed I wonder whether any of my days will ever be happy again.

Privacy

I had lunch with a classmate today and at one point our discussion turned to her 15-year-old daughter, whose current favourite phrase is, "Leave me alone!".  While my friend understands her daughter's need for privacy, she is worried that if she continues to tell everyone in her world to leave her be, that one day she really will find herself truly alone. 

I also understand, very well, the need to be left alone although I don't think I was ever as vocal about it as my friend's daughter.  I also understand, perhaps too well, her need for privacy.  In the course of our conversation today (and as a result of some recent events in my own life) I realized that I am, and always have been, a very private person.  It takes a certain kind of person to ask just the right questions to be able to draw me out and really get to the real Me. 

I've been pondering the idea of privacy all night, and even went so far as to look up the definition on dictionary.com.  There I found 16 definitions of  'private', among which were:

- not open or accessible to the general public  

- without the presence of others; alone.

- solitary; secluded.

- preferring privacy

'Privacy', in turn, resulted in fewer definitions, among them:

- the state of being private;  retirement or seclusion.

- the state of being free from intrusion or disturbance in one's private life or affairs

 

What I've concluded is that all of the above definitions are also all very accurate descriptions of me.  Unfortuately, I've become aware in the past year or so that many people close to me are/have been hurt or affronted that I do not want to share myself with them.  It's really not that at all, it's just that sharing myself, my thoughts and my feelings is not what I do.  Or at least not what I do well.  And certainly not something I do with ease or without requiring a certain amount of work to draw me out.  I have been - and still am - trying to work on being more open but it's extremely difficult for me.  All I ask is patience and understanding.

Heart of Darkness

I think I'm going to disappear.  A dense, dark fog is beginning to envelope me and there's nowhere to turn.  It's hard to breathe.   My head hurts and I have no more tears.  This is going to be a hard one to shake.  I'm not up for this kind of challenge.  It's much easier to give myself over to the darkness.

Silver Linings

I can't really seem to make much sense of my life right now.  My marriage is a maelstrom.  I think it's fair to say that this is the lowest of the lows we've seen.  I honestly can't where we're going to end up or how we're going to get there so at the moment I'm just trying to weather the storm and hope that my ship doesn't sink.

On the other hand, school is going well and the seas upon which I sail towards my new career are calm.  There even seems to be a gentle breeze filling out my sails.  I have my first practical exam coming up this week and while that is stressing me out, I am still loving school and loving all the new things I am learning.  This weekend I spent 16 hours learning how to do hot stone massage.  Needless to say that the combination of rocks, crystals, warmth and massage was the perfect combination of elements for me.  I loved it!  These weekend classes involve lots of hands-on time so over the course of the weekend, I gave nearly 4 hours of massage -- and received as well.  I was SO productive when I got home from school this evening.  Next weekend, I have more fun classes at school and will be starting upon another series of classes in an Energyworker Apprenticeship Program.  Go me!


I am also trying my damndest to focus on the positive things in my life and, it seems, to keep myself really, really, busy.  I think my subconscious brain has decided that if I have too much to do, I won't have time to think about the negatives.  So far, I think it's working.  At some point I'm going to have to stop adding activities to my calendar but as long as I'm enjoying it all, I guess I'll just go with it. 

A friend of mine told me tonight that I am much better than him at finding the bright side of things.  I'm trying.  I really am.  Because the other option would take me to a very dark, very lonely place I have no desire to go to.  So, here's to love and light and always being able to find the silver lining in every storm cloud.

Snow Day Blues

Today was a snow day and I spent much of the day cozied up in my room, writing.  I would have loved to have been writing poetry or short fiction or something creative but that was not for today.  Today was for sorting out the thoughts that have been swimming around my head for the last week.  For the most part, what I wrote were letters.  Some on paper, some on screen.  Some have received their letters, some have yet to receive them, some never will.  The interesting part was that as the day progressed, as I wrote more, my mood slid downhill.  By the end of the day, I had a huge headache and I was in a terrible mood.  Usually unloading all my thoughts and feelings makes me feel better but today it seemed to have the opposite effect, likely because I spent so much of my day focusing on negative emotions.  I hope that I can move on to a new focus and more enjoyable writing now that my head is (mostly) clear.  Can I have another snow day tomorrow, please?

Summersaults

A week ago, my life took a summersault.  Gone were the ups and downs of my well-known emotional rollercoaster -- this time I was sent tumbling.  I have no idea where I'm going to land and all this rolling and turning is making me dizzy. 

I've had so many thoughts churning about in my head that it's taken me a week to even be able to sit down here and get anything out.  Luckily, I had the opportunity to go away for the weekend to visit friends and family.  It did me a world of good to be able to talk to various people about what was going on and get some fresh perspective.  I found that in the retelling of my recent life's history I was able to sort and prioritize certain issues.  It was very therapeutic in a way that 45 minutes with my therapist just can not be.

I also spent a lot of time driving, giving me plenty of alone time to ponder and reflect.  I composed several letters in my head while on the road but have yet to set any of them down on paper (or its cyber equivalent).  I hope to be able to do that soon, before I lose any of those thoughts.

Perhaps the impending snow day tomorrow will be the perfect opportunity to do that...