Welcome Home

As I stepped off the train at Union Station, I could already feel it.  It grew as we tramped along Front Street, although I couldn't yet identify it.  By the time we got to John Street, I could feel the tumblers falling into place, unlocking that part of me that I experience so rarely: being at home. 

Halfway between Front and Queen, the kids were complaining about the wind.  They were cold.  Their legs were numb.  Ordinarily, I, too, would be loathe to be outside on such a cold, windy day but put me in the City and a different part of my brain takes over, because walking outside is just what you do, regardless of the weather.  I told them to suck it up, that we were halfway to our destination.  I tried pointing out interesting places along the way: the art gallery, Campbell House, the Parliament Buildings, old and new city halls and look! people skating in Nathan Philips Square.  How about that truck crashing out of the wall two stories up?  And here are some neat stores, some of which I used to shop at 20 years ago (and please don't notice or ask about the Head Shop or the Condom Shack next door).  Most of it didn't interest them in the least -- the cold was too overpowering.  

It was disappointing but I know that in warmer weather, the children also like the City, especially China Town.  I also know that in a few years, when my daughter is a teenager, I will be able to take her shopping in all the funky little second hand shops in Kensington Market (but that she will most likely find the imported cheeses and deli shops there much more fascinating).  I know that my kids will one day appreciate the second run movie theatres, the buskers and the cultural offerings the City has to offer.   Some day, I hope that they, too, will come to love the City as much as I do.

I also hope that my children will one day have some place that they can identify with.  I hope that they, too, will find a place they can call home.  The City has changed significantly in the last two decades since I was lucky enough to call it home, but there is still enough there that hasn't changed that its appearance and its atmosphere are still recognizable.  It still feels like the City I know and love, and the one place on Earth that I can truly call home.

A Challenge

My therapist has given me homework:  I've got one week to put myself in a better mood.  I have to get out of my funk.  I need to turn that frown upside down.  The trouble is, no matter how you say it, it's all so much easier said than done.

The point of this exercise, is, of course, to demonstrate that I can control my mood -- and not always let my mood control me.  I am supposed to learn that any mood can be altered by changing thought and behaviour patterns and that any mood - including depression - is nothing more than a transient state.  Depression should not be a pit that I attempt to crawl out of every now that then, only to fall back in.  It should be more like, well, I don't really know, which is the problem.  I suppose mood oscillation should be more horizontal than vertical.  And that despite the fact that I feel like I always end up back on the low end of the mood spectrum and that the highs are always short-lived, I need to think of my moods as more dynamic and always able to shift, so as not to get stuck.

Anyways... the point is that I am supposed to be in charge and I am not supposed to let myself get overwhelmed.  Which is kind of the opposite of the other big challenge I've been working on, which is to have more access to my emotions, let them show and not try so hard to control them.  Obviously, I've been doing it all wrong the whole time: reigning in when I should be letting go and vice versa.  (Bloody hell, but this is hard!)

I've been working on letting go of my emotions (especially agitation and anger), but so far without much success.  The other day, I thought I was doing better and it felt like I was showing my anger but alas, no one paid any attention.  Nothing makes you feel more invisible than putting yourself out there and having no one notice.

But while that is an ongoing challenge, it's not my homework this week.  This week, I am focusing on improving my mood.  I've been trying to stay positive for the past week or two, but it doesn't seem to be going very well.  I'm really not sure how I am supposed to improve my overall mood -- and make it stick -- but I have a couple of ideas, which fall into a few categories: being social, being productive and being 'professional'.

• I started off last night by going to our local high school band/orchestra/choir concert, which provided some nice distraction in the form of great musical performances with the pleasant addition of seeing a few friends while we were there.
• My daughter and I are going to visit my BFF this weekend.  This will be a quick overnight trip, but it will be a good escape nonetheless.
• I will keep moving with setting up my business.  I still have to work on the website, set up a social media presence and get more marketing paraphernalia.
• I will finish up all things Christmas: cards, shopping, etc.
• I will help teach a reiki 3 class on Sunday.
• I will put in a few hours at my new little job as 'office manager'.  It's not rocket science but I am highly valued there and there's always an opportunity to learn and for a little chit chat with lovely people.
• I will be interviewing on Monday for an apprenticeship position at the school I recently graduated from.  It's a volunteer position but it will be a great learning experience and could lead to other great opportunities.

So, that's my plan for turning my mood around.  It's going to be a busy week.  We'll see if it works... Wish me luck!

Focus

It's been a rough week.  The good news from last week quickly morphed into something else entirely.  Yes, it's still great that we can stay in the country another 8 months but the realization that this is the *final* extension released a whole new set of feelings, chief among them being fear.

It is really scary to think that I have absolutely no idea what my life will be like in 8 months.  I don't know what country I'll be living in, I don't know if I'll be able to work and/or keep running my fledgling business and, to top it off, I don't even know if I'll still be married.  Usually, most people only have to deal with one of those issues at a time.  If they move, it's because of a job.  If they lose their job, they still have a place to live.  If their marriage fails, they still have a job and a country to live in.  But not me.  I am staring in the face of losing all of it -- simultaneously.  And it terrifies me.

The fact that we've been given our final extension has also made me even more desperate to get a green card.  I really, really don't want to leave my life here when I'm just getting it started.  We've been talking to an immigration lawyer this week but, as I feared, the only way we can achieve permanent resident status is if my husband's company initiates the process.  So, my entire life is in the hands of someone I don't know.

The question now is what do I do with all of this fear and desperation.  My first reaction was, of course, to cry.  No surprise there.  And that's ok.  A good cry can be cleansing and it can help to let out my emotions so I can work with them and keep going.  The challenge is to not let those feeling overwhelm me and to not get dragged down into the Pit of Despair.  In order to do that, I can't dwell on what might happen.  I have to focus on what will happen; on those things that I can control.  I doubt I'll be able to put my fears out of my mind entirely and I might still have the odd teary meltdown, but I have to remember to live in the moment and do the things that I know I can do.  I can't write off the next 8 months because of what may happen -- I have to make them count.

Why Bother?

That question has been running through my mind a lot over the past couple of days, although I'm trying very hard to ignore both the question and the sentiment attached to it.  I am determined not to fall back into old thought patterns, although I can feel myself hovering on the brink.  It's taking a tremendous amount of will power to ignore the old ways and stay on the new path.

So, what am I trying not to bother about?  The End.  Life as I currently know it may come to a crashing halt in just under 8 months.  You see, on the the weekend, I received a visa extension and a work permit.  Part of me - most of me - is overjoyed.  We can stay in the country for another while and I can finally go out and get myself a real job.  Unfortunately, on both documents is a date: July 27, 2012.  This means that both the extension and the work permit are only valid until then.  As far as the visa extension goes, this means that we've bought a little more time to figure out how to get ourselves those elusive green cards.  As for the work permit, it means that I can only work at whatever new job I get for just over half a year.  Given the time of year it is now, I won't realistically be looking for - or getting - any kind of job before January so I've got a maximum of 7 months of work life ahead of me.

Which brings me to the "why bother?" question.  Is is really worth my while to go through everything -- continue to set up my own LLC, find a job, start working, try to balance it all with kids and home life, etc for only 8 months?  The answer, of course, is "yes" because I know all to well from my own prior experience that denying myself such short-lived opportunities is not in my best interests.  I know that I should bother and should welcome any experiences that come my way - even if they are short-lived - because they will, in the end, make my life richer and make me a happier, more independent person.

But the question is still there and I still try to ignore it.  But perhaps, instead of ignoring that little voice that incessantly asks, "why bother?", I should answer it with "because I'm worth it!"

It Never Rains, but it Pours

And in these parts, it's been raining jobs.  I know, it's been a topic of choice here lately, but it's just all so freakin' exciting!  For me, at least -- and I hope at least some of you are just a wee bit excited for me, too.

After lamenting for ages about how varied the difficulties surrounding me and the possibility of my working were, it seems that I have overcome most of them.  Yes, it's true!  I have filed papers for my own business and have secured a place to work out of.  It's kind of a temporary situation, but we'll see how it goes and what will come of it.  The main thing is that I have somewhere to start from -- an actual office with other holistic therapists.  It's fantastic!  (At present, I have no clients, but that will come. One thing at a time.)

I have also been assisting my Reiki teacher as she teaches classes as well as helping her at her home office.  It's not a lucrative job (I trade my time for sessions with her or discounts off classes I take with her) but it is invaluable for the experience I am gaining.  She does what I hope to one day do myself, so helping her out and learning how she does what she does is more valuable for me than a paycheck.  She is not only smart and savvy but also a wonderful person, so the more time I get to spend with her (and her awesome husband), the happier I am.

And - speaking of happy - I found out today that my work permit is in the mail and should arrive within the month.  Which means that if I decide that I would like to make some money before I get my own business off the ground, I could go work for someone else (who is lucky enough to have more clients than they can handle).  Amazing!

But that's not all!  It seems this streak of  prosperity in the job-world is not mine alone.  My husband has also recently been touted as "top candidate" for a job that would not only bring him a promotion but also bring him one step closer to meeting one of his life's goals.  There are many negotiations to come and conditions which will need to be met, but these are interesting times for him and his career as well.


As the saying goes: "it never rains, but it pours".  This is one time when I won't complain about needing an umbrella.

Distress Signals

I'm confused.  Despite the fact that I seem to be putting a positive spin to most things lately and I'm thrilled at the forward momentum of my budding career, I seem to be completely stressed out.  The trouble is I can't figure out why.  Over the last few weeks, all my usual stress symptoms have begun again: I've been clenching my teeth incessantly, the inflammation around my eye has flared up, I'm biting my nails like mad and, now, to top it all off, I've had a stomachache off and on for the last 3 days.  I'm not happy about any of it -- it's unattractive and/or painful -- and I would love to make it all stop, if only I knew what was causing it.

Maybe it's because even though I perceive the recent changes in my life as mostly positive, the changes still create stress.  Or maybe I'm stressing over things that I don't even realize I'm thinking about, since there is so much going on.  Or maybe I'm afraid that everything I'm doing will be taken away from me.  Or maybe I'm lonely.  Or maybe this has nothing to do with me and I'm worried about other people.  Or maybe it's none of those things.

Maybe this is just my body's way of signalling me to take care of myself amidst all the hub-bub.  I've been giving myself reiki, working with crystals, napping and trying to do what I can to destress. It doesn't seem to be doing much good yet so I'll be getting some energy balancing and bodywork in the next couple of days as well to see if that helps.  Maybe I just needed reminder that it's not just about my emotional well-being but the physical as well.

Let Go and Let Flow

I heard a phrase today that perfectly summed up what I've been experiencing the past couple of weeks: "Let Go and Let Flow".  It also mirrors a conversation I had last week with a dear friend, who, when asked how he was going to deal with a certain relationship in his life, replied with one simple word: "Flow".  This friend happens to be a master of flow, so it didn't surprise me that he planned to approach things that way.  What did surprise me was how much those words stuck with me, until I realized that that was precisely what my problem has been: lack of flow.

Any of you following my blog will know that the past few months have been less than ideal, especially on a personal level.  About two months ago, after a little more than two years of therapy, my husband decided to stop going to couples counselling (we're still married, just not in therapy, although I still go on my own).  That was followed, a month later, by another important relationship coming to an end.  It's been a difficult time, to say the least.  However, as I adjust to the new circumstances and as the cloud of depression lifts, I have begun to experience and see things from a new perspective.

What I now realize is that instead of focusing on me, I was putting all my energy into my relationships with others and trying to force them to move in directions and at speeds in which they were not yet ready or able to go.  Not only did that prevent the relationships from going anywhere, it also prevented the rest of my life from moving in the right direction -- or anywhere at all.  It's no wonder I felt like I was constantly swimming upstream!  I wrote about the idea that Everything Happens the Way it's Supposed to Happen, but what I didn't realize was that in order to let things happen they way they are supposed to, I first have to let go.  Nothing can happen the way its supposed to with me holding on to it and trying to make something else happen.

I'll be the first to admit that being forced to let go was not easy.  It still isn't, but I'm beginning to understand that you have to Let Go and Let Flow.  Because now that I've let go, things are moving, changing, happening -- not necessarily the way that I thought I wanted them to, but in the way that they are supposed to and in a way that, I think, in the long run, will prove to be the right way.

So, I am learning to go with the flow.  It's so much easier to travel with the current than to fight against it.  I'm going to (try to) relax and see where this river takes me and, perhaps more importantly, figure out who I am and what I want along the way.  Then, once I have a better understanding of myself and I have my life in a more stable place, I'll be able to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship with someone else.

Remembrance Day

It's Remembrance Day today.  Here they call it Veteran's Day but for me it will always be Remembrance Day.  And it will likely always be the one day a year that I miss living in Canada most.


My father was in the Royal Canadian Air Force.  He joined when he was 17 and served his entire 30 years in peaceful times.  Aside from a few years he was stationed in Germany in the early 60's, he was able to remain at home.  I didn't realize how lucky he was (and, therefore, we were) until I was much older.

I spent the first 12 years of my life growing up in a military town.  We didn't live on the base but its influence on the town was palpable, not just because of the heavy air traffic.  It wasn't just the Air Force, either -- there was also a Navy base on the other side of town.  There were always people in uniform and, because we were all somehow involved in military life, Remembrance Day was a big affair.  There was a large parade every year with hundreds of people in uniform, young and old, including myself as our Brownie and Girl Guide troops often participated in the parades as well.  Even at school, there was always an assembly even if it was only a short one as we sang the National Anthem and recited John McRae's poem "In Flanders' Fields".

By the time I was in my teens, we had moved and no longer lived in a military town.  For many years I regretted having missed the opportunity to have joined Air Cadets, as I was too young to join before we moved away.  However, even living away from the military influence, there was a small Remembrance Day ceremony at the little cenotaph just down the street from my high school.  Our music teacher always looked for volunteers to play at the ceremony.  One of the trumpets would play "Taps", although I can't remember what the rest of us were there for.  I always volunteered to go, not to miss an hour of school like most of the other kids who went, but because I thought it was important.  I know it was important to the old men who showed up every year in a suit and tie with their medals and accolades pinned to their chests.

So today is a lot more than 11-11-11 for me.  It's the day I miss so many things about home.  I miss seeing the cadets selling little poppy pins, even though they called me "Ma'am" long before I thought I could be considered one.  I miss seeing those bright red poppies adorn the lapels of dark woolen winter coats.  I miss seeing the wreaths laid at the monuments.  I miss the parades and ceremonies.  I miss hearing someone read "In Flanders Fields".  I miss Remembrance Day being remembered -- not by Veteran's Day sales but by something more meaningful, even if it's just wearing a plastic poppy over your heart.

Moving Forward

It's been sort of an unusual week for me: it's been oddly positive.  I'm not sure if it's a Law of Attraction phenomenon, whereby I'm feeling more positive (due to the medication I've been taking) and attracting positive events or if it's just coincidence.  In any case, there was almost a bit of an upward spiral going on for a few days, which is something I'm almost entirely unfamiliar with.

This is not to say that my week has not been without its ups and downs.  Yesterday, in fact, was a huge emotional rollercoaster and I've had my share of less-than-happy moments.  I'm still stressed about many things but if I had to average out the week's experiences, I'd end up with a positive balance.

Most of the positive change has been happening on the career front, to varying degrees of success: I had my first real client, a friend called to discuss a business venture and I have a very promising lead on a space to rent which would allow me to set up my own practice.  My client paid me more than I asked for, rebooked and went home happy -- I couldn't have asked for more.  The business venture with the friend is probably not going to work out, due to geographic issues, but is still an interesting idea.  The space to rent is in a holistic therapy office and looks very good at this point but we are not rushing into anything and plan to have a longer conversation next week.  So, while none of these are huge accomplishments, I am thrilled about every baby step I take and I am more than pleased that things are moving in the right direction.

Even on the immigration front, things are moving forward.  Our visa extensions have been filed, my work permit has been filed and... I was accepted for a credit card!  Now, some of you may scoff but those of you who have never lived in a foreign country (or moved to the US from another country) will likely not understand how monumental it is to be able to establish a credit rating.  Again, none of these things on their own are really very exciting, but put together, they are building me a bridge to security and independence.

So it seems that things are finally moving -- slowly but surely.  I've realized that not everything can move at the pace I want it to and not everything moves at the same time.  While these aspects of my life have gained some momentum, other aspects have stopped completely.  However, I'm sure that one day those other things will start moving again as well -- hopefully also in a direction that brings positive change.

The Cave

I've learned something about myself in the past week.  It happened while I stood in my kitchen, staring at a bottle of St John's Wort, debating with myself over whether or not I should start taking it (again).  It was rather interesting to have the awareness of my right and left brain arguing with each other and even more surprising to hear what they had to say.  The facts were overwhelmingly in favour: SJW is an herbal anti-depressant and I've been more depressed than usual lately, making it rather difficult to function and lead a productive life.  The arguement against taking it was what surprised me: I *like* being depressed.  Of course, the practical side won out, I started taking the SJW and, as I suspected, it's done me a world of good.  It's been nearly a week now & I'm beginning to take a few cautious steps out of my Cave.

The realization of how much I actually like my Cave (aka the Pit of Despair) has really got me thinking, as well it should.  I am fully aware of how dangerous it is to like being there -- I am at constant risk of staying there and never coming out, which would be bad, to say the least.  I figured out pretty quickly why I like it there, though: it's dark, it's quiet, it's cozy and, best of all, it's safe.  I can hide away from all the shit going on in the world around me and not have to deal with any of it.  It's much, much easier to live in the Cave than out in the real world.

I like my Cave so much, in fact, that (over the years) I've actually sort of trained myself to look for, and focus on, (negative) things that will send me running for cover.  I even went so far as to marry someone whom I sometimes tend to experience as oppressive so I'd have an excuse to seek shelter close at hand.  Crazy.

What I need to do now is figure out why I find the real world so frightening.  Given the current state of upheaval, I really do have a lot to be afraid of, but there's probably bigger, more general reasons, too.  Like my tendency toward perfectionism (which I honestly thought I'd sort of outgrown, but apparently not) and, perhaps, lonliness.  I'm going to have to take a close look at myself over the next while and try to analyze what goes on and what it is that is likely to make me want to return to the Cave.  Needless to say, it's going to be a challenge.

I also really need to decide - for myself - that I don't want to go back; that I really do want to stay out in the Light and be a healthy, happy, productive person with my own personal skills and strengths that make me an awesome person who can stand up for herself on her own two feet.  Sounds like kind of a tall order, but it sounds pretty good, too...

Dance Therapy

I went to dance class last night for the first time in 5 months.  I've been pretty down the last couple of weeks and I wasn't sure I was really up for it, but I decided that since I had actually remembered class on the right day and there were no other plans to interfere with my going, it was a Sign that I should go.  So I did.  And I'm very glad that I did.

It was nice to see some faces that I haven't seen in a long time and it was even better to dance again.  I also learned a new dance, called the Earl of Erroll, which I think I will really enjoy once I get the steps down.  There was much talk amongst the other girls of upcoming competitions.  I am certainly not planning to compete anytime soon -- or possibly ever again, although I will welcome opportunities to perform.  But for now, I dance because I love it.  I can't explain why: there is a social aspect to it, which I certainly do need as well, but for me it is really all about the act of dancing.  All I know is that when I dance, I feel good.  Quite simply, it makes me happy -- even when nothing else does. 

After class, I was commended by one of the other dance moms -- simply for dancing.  Yes, she thinks I dance well, and was impressed by how quickly I picked up the new steps, etc but for her, the biggest accomplishment is simply that I do it.  She didn't say anything about my age, but it was implied.  So I guess that's one thing I've got going for me: I don't let my age stop me from learning new things.  Perhaps Highland Dance isn't something most people pick up in their mid-30's but it has done wonders for me, both physically and emotionally and I plan to keep dancing - in some form or another - for a long, long time.

Friendship 101

My therapist pointed out to me that a happier person would have more friends.  I don't think he was trying to insult me, he was just stating a fact that more friends would afford more opportunity from which to draw pleasant, reinforcing, self-esteem-building experiences.  He tends to be right about these things so I'm sure he's right about this, too.  But it's sort of a chicken and egg scenario, isn't it?  A happy person has more friends, and mutually beneficial friendships create happiness.  So, what exactly does one do when one has neither happiness nor friends?  Do I try to build friendships first or make myself happy?  Or try to do both simultaneously?

If you've been reading my blog, you'll be aware that I've been trying to work on the happiness thing for quite some time.  I really am trying to make positive changes in my life, which are intended to bring about more happiness.  But it's slow going when I keep stumbling, and coming up against walls, and having to detour around obstacles and trudge uphill through the mud.  Yet somehow, in the end, I always manage to keep moving, hoping that someday I will achieve the as yet elusive, yet much desired, goal.

Despite swimming upstream on my quest for happiness, that task seems easier for me than making friends.  For in determining my own happiness, I know what I want to do and need to do.  Conversely, finding friends - good, close friends - is a ridiculously difficult challenge.  Mostly because it involves putting myself out there: opening up, talking to people, baring my soul, which are not things I'm particularly good at.  Also, partly because I find it difficult to meet people who are worth the effort.  The result is that I'm very good at making aquaintances.  I know hundreds of people all over the world and have spent many wonderful hours in their good company, yet there are very few of those people whom I would call friends.  A lot of that is likely my fault -- for not opening up -- but honestly, there are just not that many people I've met whom I want to befriend.  I don't "click" with a lot of people.  I don't go with the flow.  I don't blend.  I try -- and in a vastly superficial way, I succeed and put on a good show.  The result, however, is that I have very few true friends.

I guess what I need to do is reassess the people in my "network" (I hate that word) and look for any glimmer of promise.  Something -- anything -- that would make me want to even try to build upon whatever superficial foundation we may have at this point and see if I can turn it into something more.  By talking, and opening up, and putting myself out there.  Supposedly, the rewards will outweigh the effort, but it really does seem like an awful lot of work.  (It's so much easier just to hang out here under my rock...)

But if I am ever to reach my shiny place and be happy, it seems this is one more thing I need to add to my to-do list.  That sounds awful, but maybe once I've made one or two friends, I'll get the hang of it and it won't be so much work.  Maybe it'll even put me one step closer to Happiness, just like my therapist says...

Reality Bites

I think you should know something: for all the plans for (self) improvement and all the optimism I write about here, my reality is really quite different.  I do want to make the changes I've written about and I do try to be optimistic, but, honestly, it's not going well.

I've been sleeping half the day for the past week.  It's an effective way to avoid dealing with my thoughts and feelings but it leaves me with few hours in the day to actually accomplish anything else, so it's not really very productive.

I'm not eating well and I haven't been to the gym in weeks.  I'm really not eating much of anything at all, but a large percentage of what I do end up eating is high in calories and low in nutrition.  The combination of eating badly and not exercising is really not a good one, given that I struggle with my body image at the best of times.

I've been having heart palpitations.  I should probably see a doctor, but lack whatever it takes to pick up the phone and call.  I assume it's due to stress, or to my currently poor health habits but I'm also about 4 months overdue for my annual physical and mammogram so I really should make an appointment.

I didn't sleep well last night.  I can always sleep, regardless of whatever else is going on so the fact that I tossed and turned for hours is a bit worrisome.

While I realize that I have slipped and I'm not taking care of myself and my behaviour is not making my situation any better, I completely lack the motivation and will power to do anything about it.  I suppose this is something I should talk to my therapist about.  I also assume that at some point I'll change my ways back to the way I'd like them to be - and the way they should be - with me taking proper care of myself and doing all the things I've promised myself I would do to make my life a better one.  In the meantime, I think I need a nap before I start crying again...

A Teardrop a Day...

... may keep the doctor away but it certainly keeps the therapist close at hand.

I wonder if I will ever stop crying.  I cry so much and so often and although I do stop every now and then, I don't think I've managed much more than a week at a time over the past year or so without shedding a tear.  Any number of emotions will trigger it: sadness, anger, fear, frustration, and, similarly, any other negative feeling I happen to be experiencing.  Which, alas, seems to be all the time.

I can think back on times when I would go years without crying.  Then, on the rare occasion when I would cry, the tears were usually provoked by a movie or book or tv commercial.  I cried because of other people's situations and the emotions they were suffering.

But times have changed.  I hope, one day, they will change back again.  I can't go the rest of my life having this much reason to cry, right?  I have to believe it's just a phase (a really long phase) that I'm working through and someday I will come out the other side with a smile on my face and maybe, just maybe, tears of joy...

Everything Happens (The Way It's Supposed to Happen)

Last week I ran away.  Well, sort of.  I had been planning to get away in order to destress after graduation, and finally - a month later - I managed to do it.  The decision was rather last minute but I went with it and before I could think too much about it, I was on a train.  I proceeded to spend 3 days in Chicago and 2 days in Milwaukee.  (Why Milwaukee?  No, not for the beer or Laverne & Shirley but because the Harley-Davidson Museum is there.)  I walked a lot, saw some sights, took some great photos and, most importantly, had lots of time to think.

I wish I could say I had some monumental revelations while I was away but alas, I did not.  I did have a few insightful ideas and, thanks to a book I read that week, I decided that I need to make some changes.  Most importantly, I need to make much better use of my time.  Since I graduated, I've been floundering.  I was so busy and so stressed out while I was in school and now that school is finished, I have way too much time on my hands -- and I'm not using it effectively.  So, I've decided to try to focus my energy and do something positive with it.  I need to spend some time every day doing what I want and need to do for myself: meditate, do reiki, read & learn more about reiki (and massage), seriously think about my future and what I want it to look like and be like and figure out how to make it so.  It's going to take some discipline to make new habits but it shouldn't be too hard once I get going.

Also, while I was away, there was (yet another) serious upheaval in my personal life.  It has given me plenty more food for thought.  Partly I'm asking myself the same questions I've been asking myself for the past year or two, with a few new questions thrown in.  In the end, it all leads back to the same issues about Me, who I am, what I want and how I got to be where I currently am.  Right now I don't seem to have (m)any answers.  The only thing I know for certain is that Everything Happens The Way It's Supposed to Happen.  And knowing that will hopefully lead me to learn from all of this and end up in a better, brighter place.

Why (Not) Me?

I was having a pretty good day -- or so I thought.  I could feel it nagging at me for hours but it wasn't until I put all the pieces together late this afternoon that my day - and my mood - went belly up.  It was a culmination of things, as it usually is, which began this morning and continued to build until I put the last block on the top of the tower, bringing it crashing down.  It's never good when my mood topples and I find it extraordinarily difficult to stop crying once I start.  As my therapist said, when I access a feeling, I do so fully and completely, and it usually overtakes me (which is why I suppress so much -- because dealing with the feelings is so overwhelming).  But I digress...

What should have been a nice day with good news, turned out to be a day filled with multiple examples of everything I can't do being thrown in my face.  Or so it felt...  It began this morning when a friend updated her Facebook status saying how much she loves her new job.  This friend was a classmate of mine and I really am thrilled for her that she was able to find a great job so quickly after graduation.  It continued this afternoon when my husband confirmed that we would be picking up his snazzy new car this evening.  It's a great car and, to make it even better, most of the lease price and the insurance will be paid for by his company.

The trigger that turned this happiness to misery?  Discovering that even secured credit cards are subject to approval.  (Wtf?  It's my money, what do they need to approve?)  This news mires me even further in the evil circle of "I can't get credit because I have no credit history and can't build a history because I can't get credit".

So, my friend is happily working away while I sit here twiddling my thumbs and trying every which way I can to figure out how to get some kind of work permit, Green Card or loophole that would allow me to work.  Meanwhile, my husband goes out and leases himself an awesome new car while I can't even get a cell phone contract because I have no credit history.

I really don't think I'm asking for much: I just want to be a normal, independent person and do what everyone else can do: get a job, buy a car, get a smartphone.  All. By. Myself.

And yes, I know it will happen.  I will be able to do all these wonderfully normal things that everyone else takes for granted.  It will just take time and I will need patience... and another box of Kleenex for the days when the frustration overwhelms me...

Lest We Forget

It's funny, the things we forget.  Yesterday, I went to the bookstore and as I crossed the store to the section I was aiming for, I passed through the "Health" section.  My eyes scanned the titles as I walked down the aisle and fell upon a book entitled "PCOS for Dummies".  (It's not surprising that I noticed, it being the glaring black & yellow of the "Dummies" books and the acronym blazing all its capitol letters down its spine.)  Seeing the book made me stop, pick it up and give it a quick read.  Why?  Because I have PCOS.

PCOS stands for PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome.  It's an aptly-named syndrome: affected women have multiple cysts on their ovaries that cause a hormone imbalance -- and a slew of other symptoms.  The syndrome part basically means that the symptoms are so diverse and present so differently on everyone affected that they can't call it a disease.  I have a fairly mild version, I suppose, in that I don't have too many of the usual symptoms, which include: 

• Multiple ovarian cysts
• Irregular or absent menses
• Infertility
• Acne
• Obesity or inability to lose weight
• Excessive body or facial hair (hirsutism)
• Insulin resistance and possibly diabetes
• Thinning of scalp hair
• Velvety, hyperpigmented skin folds (acanthosis nigricans)
• High blood pressure
• Polycystic ovaries that are 2-5 times larger than healthy ovaries.
• Impaired lung function
• Sleep apnea
• Fatty liver degeneration (NAFLD)
• Disordered immune system
• Mood disorders, including anxiety and depression
• Appetite disorder
• High blood fats (cholesterol and triglycerides)
• Increased probability of cardiovascular disease or diabetes
• Bacterial infection (H. pylori)
• Increased sensitivity to chronic stress
• Evidence of auto-immune disorders such as Hashimoto's thyroiditis
• Dry Eye syndrome
• Multiple hormone imbalances, commonly including:
  • Androgens (testosterone)
  • Cortisol
  • Estrogens
  • FSH (follicle stimulating hormone)
  • Insulin
  • LH (luteinizing hormone)
  • progesterone
  • Prolactin
  • Thyroid hormones

(Wow.  I just pulled that list off the internet and there are a few new things on this list that I hadn't seen before... It's kind of scary when you see it all summed up that way...)

Luckily, as I said, I don't have all that going on, but it could change.  Most of the symptoms I have aren't really that problematic, or they tend not to bother anyone but me and they've become normal for me.  The worst culprit on the above list, for me and I'm sure for those I live with and interact with, are the "mood disorders".  I've discussed my depression before but because PCOS is a hormonal issue, the result is that I'm really moody.  (I don't get PMS, likely because I'm permanently that way.) 

Finding this book yesterday was a wake-up call for me in many ways.  I was reminded that I have a fairly major health issue but because its traces in my life are subtle and because I've been living with them for so long (13 years since I was diagnosed, 21 years since I noticed something was up), I've become used to it.  I forget that there is a reason -- a solid, physiological reason -- for the way that I am.

It also reminded me how easy it is to get used to an unpleasant situation and let that become normal.  When you find yourself facing things you'd rather not, or when you see that there's little you can do to change things, or when the symptoms are subtle, you simply tell yourself to suck it up, get over it and move on and all those problems and hurts simply become your normal.  But every once in a while, something happens -- the pain increases, a new symptom presents -- and you realize that you've been soldiering on for too long and that just because this has become your normal, it doesn't mean that it should be.  

Adjustments

It's been three weeks since my last class at school and I've concluded that I have way too much time on my hands.  I went from being overly stressed and very busy to having way too much time on my hands.  The first week after school ended was great: my kids went back to school and I spent the week in much-needed nothingness.  Last week we had gotten pretty good with the whole back-to-school thing so there was less to occupy my mind.  By this week, I'm starting to lose it. 

I have had the unpleasant reminder that too much unstructured time is really not good for me.  I spend far too long ruminating and dwelling on things and end up spending my day wallowing in self-pity.  Luckily, as soon as the kids come home, all is right in my world -- we chat, we laugh, we have things to do.  Granted, there are things I should be doing while they're gone, too -- like cleaning the basement -- but somehow I always seem to lack the motivation to do that.

Yesterday was pretty miserable and unproductive and a very unhealthy day (I worked out but had popcorn, chips, ice cream & peanut butter M&M's -- classic emotional eating binge).  The result is that I've decided I really need to build more structure into my days.  I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do that, but I'm going to work on it.  I need to get busy or I'm going to go crazy...

Body Image

When I went for my energy work session last week, it came up... again.  Every time I have energy work done, or I'm at an energy work class, this topic seems to crop up.  My teacher usually says something like: "I don't know why you think you're fat, because you're the farthest thing from it".  Usually I don't pay much attention to her, but for some reason, I can't seem to stop thinking about it this week.

I wouldn't consider myself the "farthest thing" from fat.  According to the charts, I'm on the high side of normal.  I also know the charts are not entirely accurate, especially for people with a lot of muscle mass.  So, I'm not fat but I'm also pretty far from skinny -- or so I think.  I'm "healthy" and fairly muscular and fit and I'm ok with that.

That said, I know there is a bit of truth to what she says, and I'm pretty sure it dates back to childhood.  I was a round kid with chubby cheeks (that adults loved to pinch & kiss -- gross!) and compared to my super skinny sister, I felt even rounder and chubbier.  So, in my head - to this day - I'm the chubby one and she's the skinny one.  Never mind that 30 years later the reality is quite different and I'd guess she weighs a good 50 lbs more than I do.

Not that this is very scientific but look what happened: the chubby kid had to learn to eat well and exercise in order to gain/maintain a decent shape and now that we are either side of 40, I'm in better shape than most people I know and look fairly decent.  My sister, on the other hand, never had to pay attention to what she ate and never had to exercise and as the poor lifestyle choices became more ingrained, I watched her shape change from hourglass to apple.  So, if a bit of a body image issue keeps me eating well and working out, I think it's ok.

My immediate family is also plagued by every major disease/health concern out there: cancer, heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, etc, etc.  As a result, I'm likely a little more concerned than most people about my health and well-being.  I'd like to live a long, productive, healthy life -- and since most of those health concerns can be attributed to lifestyle choices, I like to think that I'm doing my best (most of the time) to overcome them.

So, while I would like to lose 10 lbs and while there are some parts of my body that I don't really love, I think I'm ok.  I know I'm in better shape than most people my age and five minutes of people watching at the mall will reassure me that I am, indeed, not fat.  I also know that yes, I probably do have a bit of a body image issue but I'm good with that, as long as it keeps me healthy.

Improvements

I've been pretty down for the last week.  I've been hiding out in my deep dark cave but I think it's time to come up for air, have a look around and see what needs to be done.  Or rather, see what I can do.

This change of attitude has surprised me a bit but is likely the result of an energy work session I had today, which left me feeling a bit happier and a lot more centred.  A few words of encouragement and a bit of advice didn't go astray either.

So, I'm trying to look at things from the other side.  You see, when I am down, I can get pretty negative and it becomes so very difficult to stop focusing on the negatives and find the positives.  I'm still not sure I can do that but I've decided I need to at least start doing something that might effect some positive changes -- or even just any change at all.  I know that so many things are out of my control at the moment, but I need to focus on what I can control and do what I can about those things.  It might not be much, and it might not do much in the end, but at least I'll know I tried to do something.

This past week I started making a list.  I've managed to get through a lot on the list, although I think I add more to it faster than I can cross things off.  I have been able to do more than I often did in times where I was in a much better emotional state. I figure it must be working for me so I'll try to keep it up.  At the very least, it makes me feel somewhat busy and productive in these days between the end of school and the start of whatever comes next and, right now, that's about as good as it gets.

Roadblocks

Yesterday was, to say the very least, a bad day that got worse.  By nightfall, I was in a place that was darker and bleaker than anywhere I had ever been...

Today I woke up all puffy-eyed and miserable but decided to go to class, despite my inclination to stay in bed and be miserable.  Fortunately, part of my brain was still working and I reasoned that since these classes are designed to teach me to use energy to heal people and since I was a person in desperate need of some healing, I should go.  Also, it was crystal class and crystals always seem to work their magic on me better than anything else.  So I dragged my sorry self to class and after 5 hours, some good food (homemade eggplant parmigiana "lasagna") and 2 crystal sessions, I was feeling much, much better.  I even managed a smile or two and a bit of conversation before the afternoon was over.

I'm not sure there was any one thing in particular that pushed me off the edge last night, rather that it was one more thing placed atop the mountain of frustrations that have been accruing in nearly every aspect of my life.  It seems that no matter which way I turn or which path I try to follow, the road is blocked.  Most of the blockages these days are related to immigration but in the end, it doesn't matter what is stopping me only that I can't go on.  And that is precisely the crux of the matter: I can't go on.  I can't continue upon any path I've chosen, nor can I stay where I am.  I simply can't go on like this, certainly not if I want to keep my sanity.

I am trying to be patient and I am trying to be strong and I am trying to get around and/or move the roadblocks.  But it's a daunting task, and it's tiring and sometimes my strength fails me.  It's scary when that happens but in the end there's nothing I can do but pick myself up and keep going so that someday (soon, I hope) I'll have have at least one clear path ahead of me.

Out of Sync

I am completely messed up.  This weekend I completed my last requirements for school by working two 5-hour shifts, giving free 10-minute massages at a local festival.  I had the pleasure of working with a friend the whole time, which made the days more fun but they were long, physically demanding days.  When I finished my last shift on Sunday, I was exhausted but ready to celebrate.  I found a beer tent, had a beer and followed that one up with a few more.  By Sunday night, it had finally sunk in that I was completely, officially done with school.  Two weeks ago, I still had so much ahead of me and now, suddenly, it's all over.

And, now that I have that all behind me, I'm ready to kick back, relax and have some fun.  In short, I'm ready for summer.  The problem is that summer is over.  I sort of realized over the past couple of months that I was missing out and that my kids were having a less-than-stimulating vacation but now it's cold outside and today my kids went back to school.  I feel like I've completely missed out on summer this year.

As a result, I'm feeling a little out of sorts.  I'm sure I'll figure it out soon enough but it may take a while for me to adjust to the weather, the calendar and new beginnings all around.

Getting to Know You

In case some of you are not fans of broadway musicals and missed the title reference, it's a song from "The King and I" and it goes like this:

"Getting to know you,
Getting to know all about you.
Getting to like you,
Getting to hope you like me.

Getting to know you,
Getting to feel free and easy
When I am with you,
Getting to know what to say."

This pretty much sums up an article I happened upon today, which happened to address one of my bigger issues that has been giving me cause to think lately.  Namely, my inadequacy at making -- and keeping -- friends.  Oh, sure, I know plenty of people but for the most part they remain mere acquaintances and are kept safely at arms length.  For the most part, this is because I can't be bothered -- there are really very few people I meet whom I really want to befriend.  But every now and then I meet someone I find truly interesting and I realize that I just plain don't know how to be friends with people.  The few friends I do have, have been around a long time and, recently, I seem to have made a few friends accidentally, despite my inadequacies.

I have been told -- on more than one occasion -- that I do not open up to people, which makes people think I'm either not interested in their friendship or that the friendship is very one-sided.  If we've been friends long enough for people to notice this, then probably I want to be friends with them -- I just don't know how.  I have no idea why I am so guarded but for my own sake, I need to learn how to share myself with others.

I need to do this, not just, as the article says, because I want to live joyfully but because I am, and always have been, lonely.  As a result of many various influences, I don't have many people currently in my life whom I consider close friends.  Lately, however, there are a few new faces whom I think have the potential to become good friends -- if I don't mess it up.  So, I'm going to keep singing like Julie Andrews and hope that you'll notice that:

"Suddenly I'm bright and breezy
Because of all the beautiful and new
Things I'm learning about you
Day by day."

And even more, I hope that they will be able to say the same about me.

Hurry Up and Wait

Today I had a nice, long chat with a dear friend.  We hadn't talked (well, skyped) in at least 3 or 4 months so there was a lot to share.  This friend is particularly good at saying very little, but saying it very effectively and also very good at asking exactly the right questions to get me to open up and, often, think about things differently.  While I loved our chat and loved getting all caught up, our conversation stirred up some thoughts and, consequently, some feelings that it seems I'd been ignoring -- or at least trying to forget about.  Not 2 hours after we'd said goodnight, my mind was spinning and I was in tears.

On the one hand, my situation now is not very different than how things usually are every 3 years or so when my husband's work contract is up for renewal.  There's always a lot of uncertainty and a lot of waiting.  I always hate it, but I always get through it.  This time is really not that much different, except that a) the renewal time is much shorter and b) there is so much more riding on it.  This extension is really only just to buy us a bit of time to figure out what comes next -- and at this point nobody knows what comes next, neither in my husband's professional life, nor in our personal lives.

I'm generally not much of a planner, but when my whole future and my whole life hangs in the balance -- moreso than ever before -- I would really like to know where I'm going to end up.  But alas, there's really nothing I can do but be patient and see how the next year unfolds.

Starting Point

I've had so much going on and so many thoughts swirling around in my head for the past couple of weeks that I haven't been able to make sense of anything or turn it into anything coherent.  Today, I was able to catch hold of the tail of something flying by and when I got a better feel for it, I realized it was Fear.  I am absolutely terrified that a) everything I've been working towards and working for will be all for naught b) I won't be allowed/able to even try to achieve my goals and c) that I will have to give up everything that I want in order to make everyone else happy.

I can't elaborate any further at this point, but I think that identifying some of the the feelings I have is a good place to start...

The Only Thing that's Certain is the Uncertainty

It suddenly hit me that aside from the monotony of my days, almost Everything Else in my life at the moment is uncertain: my marriage, my career, my immigration status, my life.

I think the upcoming end to my schooling and the changes that will inevitably accompany that have got me a little freaked out.  I have 3 weeks left of school and I have no idea what I will do after graduation.  Ok, I have some idea but it's all pretty vague.  I'll continue with Reiki and Energy classes, I'll study for and write my State and National exams and -- hopefully -- I'll do a little work on the side.  Unfortunately, given my current immigration status, I can't get a real job anywhere.  Maybe that's a good thing, I don't know.  The fact remains that once school ends, I will have to move on to the next phase of this journey and I don't know where it will lead.

I know where I want it to lead.  I have allowed myself to dream a little bit, despite the uncertainty of Everything Else.  For the first time EVER, I have career aspirations and concrete goals -- and I am terrified that Everything Else will prevent me from reaching those goals.  Or that I will have make choices I don't particularly want to make in order to make them happen.

Those choices will be necessary because Everything Else is all related.  Nothing exists on its own -- the many facets of Life are irrevocably intertwined -- which makes it complicated.  My career goals depend upon my location, which depends upon my immigration status, which depends upon my husband's employment, which depends upon my marriage to him.  And therein lies nothing but uncertainty.  And no matter which way I project and imagine the various scenarios in my future, and the various twists and turns along my path, I can't come up with a single one that makes everyone in my family happy.  The only thing that seems certain is that the next year or two are going to be monumental, and difficult and very, very uncertain.

I know that some people don't mind the uncertainty.  But I've been living with some degree of it -- and a great deal more than most -- for a very long time.  And I would really, really like to trade it in for some safety and security. 

A Little More Understanding

Every once in a while it happens: I wake up in a good mood and it sticks with me for the rest of the day.  It happened to me this week and what's even more surprising is that this time it stuck with me for 3 whole days.  It was fantastic!  I was buoyant, smiling, happy and had an unusual amount of energy.  This led to me to actually accomplish things (like cleaning the house!), which, in turn, led me to feel that much better about myself and Things In General.  It was highly motivating and ever so enjoyable.

Whenever this happens (which is, sadly, only about once a year) I can't help but think that this is probably how normal people go through life.  Everything is bright and clear and positive and so, so easy.  This usually leads me to consider whether or not I really should be on antidepressants -- that maybe I could be that way all the time, and how wonderful that would be.  Except that I don't really believe that antidepressants could make me feel that way all the time, so I quickly stop thinking about it and go back to my awe at how nice it is on the Other Side.

It is so refreshing to feel "normal" every once in a while.  It helps me understand what it's like to live in that other world, if only briefly.  Not that I would wish depression on anyone, but I sometimes wish it was possible to do the opposite as well -- to have those close to me experience a normal day in my world, where everything is cloudy and grey and exhausting.  I'm pretty sure it would lead to them understanding me a little bit more and I believe a little understanding goes a long way...

Hopes and Horoscopes

If any of you have actually been reading what I've been writing for the past while, you'll know that I am in a quandry.  I have been trying to figure out how I can follow my dreams and achieve my goals while, at the same time, allowing those around me to do the same.  In my particular situation, this seems pretty much impossible as my wishes seem to fall in opposition to the desires of the rest of my family.  Try as I might, I just can't seem to figure out how to make all of us happy.

The other part of this problem is that I'm just plain impatient.  Conundrums like this take a long time to figure out.  I've been hovering in this place between for a very long time and I would really like to be done with it, as I don't enjoy being here very much at all.  I try to remind myself to enjoy the journey as much as possible and to pay attention to what I should be learning along the way.  For as far as I can tell (and have been told by those that know about these things), I've got another year and a half ahead of me on this trail before I reach the end.

Sometimes, however, it's nice to know that even when I think I'm losing it and that I can't take it much longer, I find a little something to keep me going.  Today that something was my weekly horoscope in Real Detroit Weekly, which says: "You can't be too sure about anything right now.  Themes of dissolving seem to be everywhere.  When everything that seemed real suddenly dissolves the ego goes right along with it.  Reconnecting the dots takes time.  If you're confused about anything, in the middle of an identity crisis, confusion would seem to be totally appropriate.  Don't even try to snap out of it.  Sometimes the best MO is to let it all dissolve enough to expand beyond your known limits.  Open yourself up to 'not knowing' and consider coming unglued to be an initiation of sorts."  It's so comforting to know it's not just me whose life is dissolving and who is coming unglued as a result.  Now all I have to do is learn to let it all go and embrace the unknown...

Hip Hip Hooray!

I did it!  I survived the week, wrote my exam, passed it with flying colours and have emerged on the other side with my sanity intact!  I am very much looking forward to a few days of relaxation and spending some time with the children, whom I have been ignoring almost completely for the last week while I studied.  They've been troopers -- it's turning out to be a fairly boring summer for them, what with me being busy with school and studies.

Luckily, that is about to change, as tomorrow we embark upon a European vacation, which will reunite our family (my husband has already spent the last 10 days across the pond) and, hopefully, provide us all with some much-needed fun and frolic.

Stressed Out

At least I realized tonight that it wasn't just me -- it seems all of my classmates are freaking out.  We have a major exam at the end of this week -- which has us all panicky to begin with -- but for whatever reason, we've all got a ton of other crazy shit going on: one classmate has a groundhog digging up her landscaping and her boat ran out of gas on the weekend, another classmate has an extraordinary amount of work being piled upon her at her day job and needed to get her brakes fixed twice in two weeks, another classmate has money issues and a useless new husband, another classmate... well, you get the idea.  And, of course, there's me.  My husband went to Germany on a business trip, leaving me to try to study with the kids home 24/7.  I know the trip wasn't his idea, but his absence certainly hasn't made studying any easier.  We are also, somehow,  not get along even when he is on the other side of the world, which is causing me much distraction and causing me to lose focus on the anatomy & physiology that should be foremost in my thoughts this week.

I have no idea what the cosmos is doing, but none of us is very thrilled that everything currently seems to be one snafu on top of the other.  We don't have the capacity to deal with it all right now -- we just want to be left alone to study!  If I can do that for the next two days and if I can make it to the end of the week with my sanity intact, I'll be very pleased -- and more than ready for a few days of downtime!

Dilemma, Part 2

So today my pondering has led me to this question: what do you do when you know you're supposed to feel a certain way and you just don't? Do you follow your inner voice and your own feelings or do you believe what everyone else around you seems to be telling you, which is, quite simply, that your feelings are wrong?

Of course, this brings us back around to the choice to go with your gut, be true to yourself but hurt those around you. Or, listen to others, making them happy but not yourself.

I wonder if I'll ever figure this out...

Words of Wisdom

This quote appeared as a friend's status update on Facebook today:

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” -Steve Jobs

This is exactly what has me in such a dilemma. Because, while I completely, wholeheartedly agree with everything Mr. Jobs says, it is quite another thing to actually live these ideals.

I know that, all too often, I do let others' opinions drown out my inner voice. I have been trying very hard to listen to it and I think I'm getting better at it, but the other voices are still there to contend with. I don't seem to have developed the ability (yet?) to drown them out. I hope that one day I learn to muffle the interference.

Even more, I hope that I am able muster up the courage to follow my heart and my intuition (-- once I've figured out what it is they're saying).

Dilemma

One of the biggest challenges I am facing on my path to a new and improved me is trying to figure out how not to hurt myself.  It sounds so simple.  I mean, who wants to hurt themselves?  Sadly, it appears that I do.  I try so hard to avoid hurting everyone else around me that I end up being hurt as a result.  I would much rather suffer than harm those I care about.  In some cases, this is a good thing but it turns out that doing it all the time is not. 

One phrase from my current favourite song (Falling by The Civil Wars) goes: "Worried about everyone but me/ And I just keep losing myself".  Which is exactly the problem.  I'm so incredibly worried about what everyone else is thinking or feeling or wanting that I pay my own thoughts, feelings and desires no heed.  In the process, I've put myself at the bottom of my own list of People I Care About.

I keep being reminded that I need to make myself a priority; that I need to figure out what I want and what I need (and then, logically, make those things happen).  I understand the theory, but what happens when my needs are the complete opposite of the needs of those whom I love and care about?  How do I say what I need to say when I know my words will sting?  How do I act when I know my actions will hurt?  How do I come to terms with the idea that my happiness is worth causing others pain?  How do I convince myself that I am worth fighting for?

As they sing in Falling: "Please, please tell me you know"...

Trapped

When I started going to school last Fall, I embarked upon a new Path of Dreams.  I had been avoiding this Path for a very long time because I always felt that dreaming and setting goals for myself was futile.  The way my life was arranged meant that we moved (usually to a new country) every 3 years, which almost necessarily meant that there was no point in my investing any sort of energy in a job/career or any kind of long-term project as I would have to give it up as soon as it all started coming together.  So I never allowed myself to invest in Me.  What happened was that, over the years, I lost myself -- almost completely.  I forgot about all the things that mattered to me most and all the little parts that made me the Person I used to be and, more importantly, the Person I used to like being.

About 5 years ago, during a trip to Japan (without husband or children), I started to remember some of those ingredients that had previously gone into the concoction of Me.  I returned home and determined to add those things back into my life.  Over the course of the following years, I did just that and started to regain some of my former self. 

When my husband and I began couples counselling two years ago, I went into it fairly blindly, having no idea how much individual therapy I needed. The issues I've encountered have been profound and I've done a lot of work on myself over the past couple of years, which is, I believe, a large part of what led me to the brave step of investing in my future, going back to school and happily rediscovering many long-lost parts of myself along the way.

The problem is that in doing so, I gave myself over - completely - to a false sense of security and to a false reality.  Recently, I have had very many reminders of the real reality that I live: that despite my thinking that I have some control over the direction in which my life is headed, I really don't.  At all.  My future hangs in the balance of people who, for the most part, don't know me and don't care about me in the slightest.  I am aware that in my reality, I don't get to make any decisions -- at least not any that really matter.  Decisions will be made and I will follow along because I have no other choice.  In a way, I am completely trapped -- in an admittedly, beautiful and ornate cage of my own making, but it is a cage nonetheless.  In the end, it doesn't really matter what I want.  I may be allowed to take little detours every now and then - like going to school - but the path I follow is not mine to choose.

My therapist says that unless I am truly free to choose my own path -- be it career, relationship or otherwise -- I will never truly be happy.  I guess there won't be much true happiness in my future...

Confusion

Not long ago, my marriage was in such bad shape that I could not think a positive thought about it to save my life.  I had reconciled myself to doom and destruction and assumed that it was only a matter of time until the bottom fell out from under us and we would tumble to our demise, or at least that of our marriage. 

Due to our current immigration status in the country we've chosen to call home, I/we are unable to really make any decision about the future of our relationship and, indeed, ourselves.  While we wait for all things beurocratic to be settled, we have been trying to stay together -- because we have no other choice.

It seems, however, that things are changing.  Ever so slightly, but they are.  Thanks to therapy, psychics and yet another relationship book, there has been a palpable change in the direction in which we were headed.  Perhaps that's an overstatement.  The winds have changed, but the sail has not yet caught the breeze to steer us on a new course.  And really, at this point, I'm not sure the breeze is strong enough or will last long enough to have any effect on our poor, weather-beaten boat. 

What I do know is that I have seen the palest, tiniest glimmer of hope, which is something I nearly didn't recognize as it had been so long since I'd encountered it.  I also know that, because it's been so very long since I've had any kind of hope, I have absolutely no idea what to do with it.  It's frightening and it's confusing and it has sent me spinning -- and I have no idea where I'm going to land or what direction I'm going to be facing when I do.

Oozing Musicality

On Saturday I went to my guitar lesson.  It was the second week in a row for me, which was quite an achievement.  Due to school and other scheduling conflicts, I hadn't been to a lesson in, oh, about 2 months prior.  My daughter, with whom I began lessons, was still attending her lessons despite my absence and although I made her practice (not as often as she should) I had picked up my guitar only a couple of times during the previous weeks.  Even in the week between my lessons, I only practiced twice and had concentrated solely on the chords for the songs we had previously been learning the melody to (so that my daughter and I will be able to play a nice duet at some point).

During the lesson, we worked some on chords, especially those crazy "bar chords" (in which you hold down multiple strings with one figure) that seem to defy my playing them.  My teacher, who is an incredible musician, a fun teacher and a generally cool guy, also taught me a neat variation in playing chords, so that rather than strumming them, you pluck the strings at the same time, much like you would play a chord on the piano.  You can take that further and do a little walkabout with the chord as well, playing each of the notes individually in turn.  Sorry if all this is rambling nonsense to anyone who doesn't play, but for me, it was all very interesting.

Then, out of nowhere, my teacher flips a few pages ahead in the book and wants me to play a song I hadn't played in months and which involved notes on a new string.  So, there I am, basically sight reading my way through a 4-string version of "Amazing Grace".  We repeated it 3 times (with teacher Steve playing a lovely accompaniment to my melody).  We finally finish and I am totally frustrated because I was still making mistakes and I turn to Steve and the man is sporting a huge, glowing smile.  "Wow!" he says, "You were in the zone.  Just oozing musicality.  Some people play for years and never do that.  Awesome!"

So, all the while I was hung up on getting the notes right and being frustrated by my imperfections, I had something going on.  Something I didn't even realize I had.  Something that is very, very awesome.  I guess sometimes it's good to see things from someone else's perspective, especially when our own perspective is not the most favourable.  I know I am often my own worst critic -- wouldn't it be wonderful if there were always someone else around to point out any perceived awesomeness they noticed that I didn't?

Clear as Mud

Yesterday I visited a magic fountain, hoping to find answers. I threw in my penny and peered into the water, waiting for the ripples to subside so that I could see my future reflected clearly at me. Instead, my penny stirred up the sediment on the floor of the fountain and I found myself looking into a murky pool. My reflection was still there, but not in the manner I expected to see. I still got my answers, but not those I had thought I might find. In some respects, what I saw was indeed the opposite of what I expected.

Now my mind is swirling, much like the sediment stirred up by my penny. I am trying to figure out how my expectations could have been so wrong, and I must come to terms with the fact that things may not be as they seem. I must be patient and wait for the debris to settle, so that I might see clearly. Perhaps by the time that happens, I will be willing to accept what I see and embrace my future as it is meant to be, rather than how I imagined it might be.

Don't Stop Believing

I heard it again today: "You have a gift, young lady".  This time it came from a client in the massage clinic, who is a 62-year-old student at my school, due to graduate a few months after me, so I like to think she's a fairly good critic.  I've been getting rave reviews from all my clients at the clinic lately.  So much so that they have even been asking for me.  Before I started at the clinic all my friends and family were generous with their praise and compliments, but part of me always felt like they *had* to be nice; that it was expected.  Now, after getting positive feedback from complete strangers -- and, better yet, having repeat clients -- I'm really starting to believe that maybe, just maybe, they're right.

But what does that mean if they're right?  It means I give a fabulous massage and make people feel wonderful and that thrills me.  It means I have conquered Step 1 -- and now it's time for Step 2.  Anyone who knows me well, also knows that I have a strong practical side, which is wondering if and how this gift is going to translate into something more concrete (ie. money).  Because, at the end of the day, while healing and helping people is certainly my goal, I also need to make a living doing it.  So I guess I question if I am really *that* good, that people will want to pay me to make them feel wonderful -- and keep coming back, and tell all their friends.

For possibly the first time in my life, I have plans and dreams and I need to know if they are within reach; that there's a chance they might happen.  I need to keep believing that it's possible.

Number 13

Today is my anniversary.  We've been married 13 years.  My husband and I probably haven't even spoken that many sentences to each other today.  I've spent much of the day trying to figure out what we're supposed to be celebrating today.  We're still married, which is something, I guess, but certainly not happily.  I know I've been unhappily married for probably half of our marriage and it's not getting any better.  Despite 2 years of couples therapy, our relationship is in a downward spiral and it seems we've lost all control of it.  The last 6 months have been especially horrendous and despite my trying to figure out how exactly my life became an episode of "Desperate Housewives", I just can't understand how I ended up here; how this became my life.

If there's one thing I've learned at school this year, it's this: everything happens the way it's supposed to happen.  I have no idea why it's happening this way and most days I can assure you I wish it was happening some other way -- but it isn't.  I'm trying my best to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be learning from all of this but so far it's mostly a mystery.  I know I've gleaned a few life lessons so far but obviously there is much more for me to learn, both about myself and about life. 

In the meantime, I muddle my way through the days, trying to focus on what I need to and trying to keep my head above water.  Some days - like today - I feel like I'm drowning or like I am lost in rough seas and the waves won't stop smashing over me.  Most days I don't think the sun will ever shine and calm the waters again -- but I have to believe that they will.  In the meantime, I cling to my dreams for my future, hoping they will one day come true.

Unhappy Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday and despite the many, many people (mostly on Facebook) wishing me a "Happy Birthday", my day was decidedly very unhappy.

From the moment I awoke, I could not shake the thought that it would be appropriate (and, yes, poetic) if my life were to end on the day that it began.  I tried so hard to focus on the positives of the day: good gifts from my family, hugs from my friends, 100% on my test at school but still I could not surface above the downward pull of my unhappiness for very long.  I usually love my birthday but this year I felt there was really very little to celebrate and very little reason to look forward to the start of another year.

Luckily, the arrival of my sister and nieces and a good dinner out brought a smile to my face that evening and I was able to go to bed in somewhat better spirits.

Today I arrived at school to find a big, cheerful bouquet of lilies, roses and alstroemeria waiting for me from one of my classmates.  She is one of the brightest lights in my world and she is the embodiment of love.  She said she she blessed to know me, but I'm pretty sure the honour is all mine.

Later, in the course of my class, I received my attunement for the second level of Reiki.  It's hard to explain what an attunement feels like, and indeed it differs from person to person, but being blessed with Reiki energy is intense and beautiful and today was no different for me.  Today I was completely overwhelmed with love and light and happiness and I cried.  I cried because it felt amazing and I cried because I realized how much happiness I am lacking in my current life.  However, I also realized that I do have something to look forward to in the coming year and in my future: Reiki.  Learning and living and loving and finding my happiness through Reiki.  Right now that's all I've got.


 

Too Much to Do

A few months ago, I wrote about wanting to do it all.  I have a multitude of things going on and I love all of it.  My parents recently came to visit and my mother marvelled at how I can possibly do as much as I do.  It's been rather a slow realization but I've finally concluded that I actually really am trying to do too much.  I really can't have it all.  And stay sane.

As my workload at school has increased (with major exams looming in the not-too-distant future) and as the stress and mess of my home life has multiplied logarithmically, I have decided that I need to cut back on my extra-curricular activities.  Something meant to be fun should not cause me stress. Some of this has been naturally occurring due to a grand lack of free time (you may have noticed I haven't posted here in a while...) but I've also decided that in order to refocus more my energy on the things that are really important, a few other things will have to go on the back burner.  At least for the time being.

In addition to the everyday duties of being the family matriarch, this is how I've arranged my priorities:

1. School (homework and studying) is being bumped up into top position.  It was already there, but I do really need to put in more time and effort than I have been.
2. Life.  After living in the US for nearly 7 years, I finally got myself a SSN this week (better late than never, right?).  This is the first step in becoming an actual person in this country.  With the golden ticket in hand, I can now go ahead and do other things to establish myself here in proper fashion (renew my driver's license, get a work permit, etc.).  
3. The Gym.  Not only do I love going, I also love my trainer and I love the results.  I also love that working out is such a great antidote to depression (along with the St. John's Wort supplements I've been taking -- I'm so much more stable!).
4. Guitar Lessons.  Since I'm taking them together with my daughter - on the rare occasion I'm not in school on a Saturday - and since practicing requires less than a half hour a day, I'm finding it easier to squeeze in.
5. Dance.  While I had been trying to make this a top priority and work towards a competition, I've realized that it was just causing me way too much anxiety.  This is something that, from now on, will have to remain something that I do for fun whenever I have the time to do it.  No need to stress about regular lessons or competitions -- I'll get to lessons when I can and perform when I can work it into my schedule.
6. Writing.  Whenever I have a  few free minutes. something to say and the wherewithall to say it coherently, I shall continue to write.  It likely won't be often, but I hope to find some way to put my thoughts down somewhere.

So, really, that doesn't look too bad.  And with the kids getting out of school for the summer in a few weeks and some of their regular lessons/activities ending for the season, my matriarchal duties will decrease a great deal as well.  If all goes as planned, I'll be able to combine my duties in an enjoyable manner: the kids can swim at the beach while I find a nice shady spot to study.

The Wall

For the past while I've barricaded myself behind a big, strong wall.  Figuratively speaking, of course.  About two months ago, something happened that hurt me immensely.  Although the event in and of itself was hurtful, it was also one of many similar events that had occurred over the past half year and it ended up being the straw that broke the camel's back, as it were.  Only it wasn't the camel's back that broke, it was me.

In order to protect myself from further pain, I built myself a grand fortress in which to live.  I did not want to let myself be hurt like that again and a wall seemed the only way to go about it.  Having lived within the confines of my fortress for the following couple of months, I've learned a few things.

I learned that living in a state of permanent defense and fear is not a good way to live.  While my wall was built to keep out certain events and keep certain people at a distance, it ended up negatively affecting all of me and all aspects of my life.

I learned that if anyone tries to break down my wall or tries to suggest I take it down, the more steadfastly I hide behind it.  If I'm going to let down my defenses, I need to do it of my own accord and in my own time.

I learned that although in some ways I feel protected, a wall does not stop others from acting as they will and does not stop me from having to react to those actions and deal with the consequences.  My wall does not stop the world from turning.

I've realized that living in my fortress - no matter how grand and well-constructed - simply is not the best way to go through life.  I need to find another, better way to do it.  I'm not quite ready to completely give up the protection it provides, and in my current situation I doubt I ever will be.  Perhaps, instead of building a fortress in the midst of danger, I just need to live in a safer place.

Cheers

Let's talk about something positive for a while, shall we?  I'm sure you've noticed I have dramatic mood swings and there's a lot in my life at the moment that pulls me down -- very, far down, sometimes -- but there are also a few things in my life that keep me going and are thoroughly positive influences on myself and my mood.  Today I'm going to focus on just one of those: exercise.

Since about February, I've been going to the gym regularly.  I have always tried to stay in shape/exercise/be healthy but due to all the other stuff going on, I had let my gym membership lapse and was noticing the effects on both my body and my self-esteem.  So, I joined the gym again and even went so far as to hire a personal trainer.  I eased myself back into a routine of working out, which included seeing my trainer once a week.  After a couple of months, we bumped it up a notch and I now see my trainer twice a week and hit the gym another couple of days on my own.

Not only do I really, honestly love working out, but I am finally starting to see results!  It's so rewarding when you do something you enjoy and have the added bonus of doing something good for yourself at the same time.  There's also a great sense of accomplishment when I'm able to add more weight to the stack or realize I can do things I never thought I could (push-ups!).

So, here's to exercise, the mood-boosting seratonin it releases and the self-esteem-boosting body I'm building! (And another cheer to my trainer, who is helping me get there).

Understanding

I am terrible at explaining myself.  We all know I've been trying to access my emotions and express them better, which I think has been going ok -- I think there's been an improvement, at least -- but it seems I still fail miserably when trying to explain myself.  It's one thing to say this is how I feel but it's quite another for me to explain why.

So, I suppose it shouldn't be any wonder when I feel that some people Just. Don't. Get. It.

I've tried explaining.  I've tried repeating.  I've tried, really I have.  And despite it all, and despite all the assurances about how accepting they are, what they end up telling me is how I should feel.  That if I would just change how I feel, everything would be better.  What they don't seem to get, despite all my attempted explanations is that a) I can't just change how I feel and b) I do not think that changing how I feel would be beneficial for me in any way.  

Why don't they get that?

Suspense

I am hanging by a thread.  I'm not sure how it's able to hold my weight plus that of the burden of these thoughts I am presently carrying.  It's a precarious position to be in and I'm not sure if, or how long, this thread might hold.  Or what will happen should it break.  On the one hand, disappearing might not be a bad option -- it would be the easiest way to escape the choices I must face.  On the other hand, it's really not a feasible option and not one that would help me reach my end goal of Happiness.  There are difficult decisions I must face and eventually come to a conclusion about.  However, in the meantime, while I carefully consider the costs of each, I dangle over a great abyss, wondering when I'm going to fall.

Good Times

This past weekend, I had the immense pleasure of having out-of-town guests come to visit.  Having just survived a couple of rough weeks, I really wasn't in the best shape to be having company but given that the guests were my BFF and her two darling daughters, I wasn't too horrified that my house and my being were not in perfect shape.

They arrived Friday night and left Sunday afternoon and in between we did a lot of, well, nothing: we hung out, ate, chatted, the kids played. 

Saturday evening, however, found us at a ceilidh, where I was taking part in a highland dance performance and to which the rest of the family and the visiting friends got dragged along to watch.  I was expecting a much more welcoming kind of party in which we, the performers, and our guests could also participate.  Alas, this was a much more formal affair so there wasn't much for us to do.  Luckily, the wee ones found a table with colouring pages and a man who made balloon animals so their evening was a complete success.  The rest of us had to do without the balloons, but I always love to dance so I ended up enjoying myself as well.

Since the party was uninviting, we were home relatively early, leaving us the rest of the night to have a girls night with my BFF, my daughter (age 9), my host daughter (exchange student, age 18) and her friend (age 22), who is staying with us for a few weeks.  We two older girls broke open a bottle of wine and the five of us proceeded to spend the next few hours playing Dance Dance Revolution and Band Hero on the Wii.  Much laughter ensued.  Eventually, the younger 3 girls decided it was time for bed, leaving BFF and me to try to polish off the second bottle of wine.  Despite our earnest efforts, fatigue got the better of us and we, too, toddled off to bed before the bottle was empty.

All in all it was a great weekend and I think I can honestly say that I had more fun Saturday night than I have had in months.  Good, honest fun and laughter are magical and their restorative powers are not to be underestimated.  I'm still a far cry from being in a permanently happy place, but at least for one night I was able to forget about my troubles, turn my thoughts to the smiles of those around me and let the good times roll. 

Anger Management

After many months of therapy and several recent weeks of introspection, I concluded that I have a problem with anger.  Specifically, I have misplaced mine.  I have no recollection of getting angry with anyone since I was a teenager.  No fights, no arguments, nothing.  I just don't get angry.  I don't know how.  This is not good.

It turns out that not getting angry has put me in a place I don't like being in.  However, thanks to countless hours with my therapist and many more spent probing my own head, I've come to realize that being angry and expressing it properly is an integral part of emotional health.  So, now, as an adult who has ignored anger for half her life, I need to learn a few new tricks: i) I need to learn how to recognize anger and ii) I need to learn how to express it.

So far, I'm still working on step one.  What I've learned is that there's a huge list of things that have happened in the last 20 years that I'm angry about.  Very angry in some cases.  Unfortunately, it's a bit late to go back and express my opinion about these events now.  Even if I did, I've lost the edge and the impact of my expression will be greatly blunted.  But I've managed to verbalize my list and recognize that these incidents affected me adversely.  That's something, at least.

I'm still very slow to recognize anger.  I still don't get it as it happens -- it usually takes me a day or two to realize what I'm feeling.  The new challenge is to muster up the courage to then do something about it.  My current theory is along the lines of "better late than never".  I figure I'll go with that until I manage to speed up the feeling to thought process.  For years I seem to have just skipped over the feeling part and went straight to thought. (Apparently, I've become very good at avoiding many of my feelings and tend to intellectualize them, but for right now I'm working on anger.)  The ultimate goal, of course, is to merge the feeling with the thought so that I can actually do something about it as it happens.  I've been told it's much more effective that way, and therefore, much healthier.

It's a scary thing, all this self-discovery.  Because once you realize how messed up you are, you really have to just buck up and start fixing things.  It's never easy to admit one's shortcomings and it's even tougher to look them head on and decide to improve upon them, especially if you haven't the foggiest idea how to go about doing it.  But it must be done if I'm ever going to be the happy, healthy person I want to be and need to be.  How can I ever hope to be a successful healer if I can't help myself first?

ps - I was reading this article today and came across this sentence: "Canadians are certainly good and worthy folks, but they suffer an excess of civil obedience, politeness and lack of civic rage that could be harnessed to combat political atrophy."  I wonder if perhaps I couldn't just change the context of this slightly and apply it directly to myself: "As a Canadian, I am good and worthy but suffer an excess of obedience, politeness and lack of rage that should be harnessed to combat emotional atrophy."   

Tears II

It sucks when you realize how messed up you are.  After weeks of introspection and a visit to my therapist to discuss my findings, that's exactly what happened: I found out how truly messed up I am (at least in certain respects).  The other thing that happened was that my therapist told me that it was ok to feel what I had been avoiding for a very, very, very long time.  The result was that I began to cry -- and continued to cry, sometimes wail, off and on for two days.  Today, at least, I've managed to get through the day without shedding any tears (although I came close this morning), which, oddly enough, I'm not sure I consider an improvement.  I'm still a mess and I expect to be for the foreseeable future but I know that it's all part of the journey.  All this learning and growing is tough shit.  The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I'll be a better, stronger and happier person if I ever make it through. 

Tears

So many tears.  So many reasons for them.  So many feelings causing them.  Anger, fear, frustration, doubt, sadness, confusion, despair.  I don't even know where to start making sense of it all so for now I won't.  For now I let them fall, slide, drip, run.  Release and cleanse.  I won't think about what they mean, I'll just accept them for what they are.  They are me.  They are my emotions.  And for now, I have no other way of expressing them but in tears.

Relate and Repopulate

The other day I was talking to a friend of mine about being alone.  She is a single (widowed) mom to two young girls and knows very well what it means to be alone.  However, the conversation we were having was not about her, but about me.


Over the course of the past 15 years I have moved a lot: I've lived in 10 cities in 5 countries.  What this means is that I have a multitude of friends all over the world but that, whenever I end up in a new place, I am more or less alone and have to be very reliant upon myself.  I think I've done a pretty good job of it, having raised my kids thus far without the help of anyone but my husband and having negotiated the day to day doldrums of setting up house and making a life for my myself and my family on 3 continents.  This also means that I have always lived far away from family and have never lived in one place long enough to have built up any sort of support network of friends.  Usually, by the time I've lived anywhere long enough to have a close, reliable circle of people I can trust, we move.  So, I'm pretty used to being on my own.

Let me interject here that being alone is not the same as being lonely.  Being alone does not necessarily cause one to be lonely, and one can feel tremendously alone even when surrounded by people.  But loneliness aside, I have lately become very aware of how very alone I am at present: no extended family around, I've let most of my local friendships lapse and my marriage is not what it should be. 


But, after pondering this for some time, I've decided that there is a reason for my present situation.  As a friend of mine said, I'm figuring out who I am so I can be my own person, find my own path and put the people I need and want on that path with me.  It would seem that I have deftly and unconsciously depopulated my life so that I can, at some point, repopulate it with people who understand me, support me and love me for who I am.