The Wall

For the past while I've barricaded myself behind a big, strong wall.  Figuratively speaking, of course.  About two months ago, something happened that hurt me immensely.  Although the event in and of itself was hurtful, it was also one of many similar events that had occurred over the past half year and it ended up being the straw that broke the camel's back, as it were.  Only it wasn't the camel's back that broke, it was me.

In order to protect myself from further pain, I built myself a grand fortress in which to live.  I did not want to let myself be hurt like that again and a wall seemed the only way to go about it.  Having lived within the confines of my fortress for the following couple of months, I've learned a few things.

I learned that living in a state of permanent defense and fear is not a good way to live.  While my wall was built to keep out certain events and keep certain people at a distance, it ended up negatively affecting all of me and all aspects of my life.

I learned that if anyone tries to break down my wall or tries to suggest I take it down, the more steadfastly I hide behind it.  If I'm going to let down my defenses, I need to do it of my own accord and in my own time.

I learned that although in some ways I feel protected, a wall does not stop others from acting as they will and does not stop me from having to react to those actions and deal with the consequences.  My wall does not stop the world from turning.

I've realized that living in my fortress - no matter how grand and well-constructed - simply is not the best way to go through life.  I need to find another, better way to do it.  I'm not quite ready to completely give up the protection it provides, and in my current situation I doubt I ever will be.  Perhaps, instead of building a fortress in the midst of danger, I just need to live in a safer place.