For the Record...

I am fucking pissed!

Stress & Frustration

It's been crazy busy around here lately and I haven't had a moment to write.  Heck, I haven't even had a long enough moment to sit down to make a to-do list, let alone string together enough sentences to create a blog post!  And, of course, now that I'm sitting here, there is so much to write about that I don't even know where to start!

I haven't been doing very well with applying the mantra.  I especially need to work on the 3rd one...

I'm continuing to see my chiropractic office mate and I really like what she does.  It's always great to have someone work on both physical and emotional issues simultaneously.  I have also been getting a lot of massages lately.  It's time for practical exams at the school I'm apprenticing at.  They can choose any apprentice or instructor to massage for their exam and I seem to be a popular choice.  Some students are doing their exams and others want to practice on me before their practicals.  I'm agreeable to all of it because it's a free 1-hour massage.  Granted, they are student massages so not necessarily great, and I have to pay attention to what they're doing the whole time but it's still better than nothing.  I also had an energy work session last week by my teacher and mentor, which was fantastic.  It's all wonderful, but unfortunately I'm still pretty stressed and frazzled.

Some of it has to do with having had a super busy week.  For some reason, things actually sped up once the children got out of school for the summer and I spent most of last week driving all over creation trying to get us all where we needed to be.  This coming week I've got one kid away at scout camp but we're having overnight guests midweek so this week will likely be fairly busy too -- but hopefully in a way that requires less mileage.

On the bright side, my father & my sister seem to be healing well.  My sister got sent home from the hospital 5 days after her surgery and my father finally got let go 2 weeks after his.  I haven't spoken to anyone for the past week to track their progress (because if I don't call them, I don't get any information) but I'm assuming no news is good news. 

Speaking of doctors (well, sort of) I went to see mine again this week.  She wanted to follow up with me on how the anti-depressant meds are working out (fabulously, thank you) and I told her about my Dad's recent colon cancer diagnosis.  She then informed me that that puts me at high risk for getting it myself and promptly handed me a requisition form for a colonoscopy, which I shall continue to do annually, along with mammograms because I'm also high risk for getting breast cancer.  Stupid cancer!  That said, I do believe that cancer is very much lifestyle related so I hope to avoid getting either of them by living as healthily as I can.  (And no, I'm not really doing that right now but once my life settles down a bit, I plan to get back to exercising and eating well.)

Not that I expect my life to settle down anytime soon.  In fact, I hope things start getting a little busier -- at least in terms of moving.  We found out a month ago that we have to move and NOTHING has happened since then!  We are still waiting to hear if the company is going to move us and we haven't been able to look for a house because my father has been in the hospital (and he's supposed to help us out with the whole house-buying side of things).  Hopefully July will bring some more action on that front.  All this waiting is so very frustrating! 

So, that's it.  A very long post to sum up many of the reasons why I am stressed, frazzled and frustrated.  Thank God my dear friend, R, took me out to a Beer Fest this weekend -- no better way to destress than to drink beer and have a couple of bourbon shots with my best girl.  If I wasn't so busy, I'd try to do that more often...

Mantra

I am entitled to my emotions.
My feelings are not irrational.
Expressing myself is not an inconvenience.

Grrr...

The chiropractor I share an office with and I have begun trading services, which is an awesome perk to doing this kind of work.  I gave her a reiki session a week or so ago and today it was my turn to be on the receiving end of the trade.  I knew she didn't practice traditional chiropractics but I didn't really know what she did -- nor did it matter.  I'm open to all kinds of bodywork and I'm always willing to try new things.  It turns out that she does gentle adjustments mixed with energy work and today she worked on my bones and my emotions.

The result is that it seems she's been able to bring about some pretty big changes.  Structurally, things have been shifting all afternoon and I've been having dizzy spells.  This is annoying but doesn't worry me much and I assume all will be well after a good night's sleep.  Emotionally, all sorts of things have been shifting and I have become very aware, once again, that I have been holding in vast amounts of anger and I haven't the slightest idea what to do with it all.  A friend suggested smashing things and/or screaming and/or playing some kind of video game where I can kill things.  Not bad ideas for blowing off some steam but none of those things will really deal with the anger or the causes of it.  I'm thinking I might start making a list of all the things I'm angry about.  Maybe if it's all more tangible, I'll have some idea what to do with it.  The one thing I don't want to do is bury it all again, because I know that is only a temporary fix and doesn't do anything but make me miserable.  So, please, wish me luck and some courage to deal with my anger properly this time -- or at least try to.

Stupid Cancer, Part 4

It's been a crazy week so forgive me for not writing before now.  I've been stuck in a whirlwind of stress and when I wasn't otherwise occupied, I was sleeping -- which left no time for writing.

Last Sunday I made the 5-hour drive "home" to my parents' house and arrived just in time for what felt like the Last Supper with all the family gathered together.  Well, not really all of us since I was the only representative from my family but my parents, my sister and her family were there so all of us from my original nuclear family were present.

And then it began.  On Monday my father had surgery: a bowel resection to remove a cancerous tumour in his colon.  They took some lymph nodes as well to test for spread, but we won't have those results back until next week.  The surgery went well, although the recovery hasn't been as quick as we could have hoped for.  There have a been a few minor setbacks but so far, nothing too serious.

On Wednesday, my sister had surgery: a pericardial window to drain the fluid that has been building up around her heart as a result of her cancer.  The surgery itself went well, although the doctors decided to keep her sedated and intubated for a day after the surgery.  We weren't allowed to see her after her surgery and my BIL had to work the next day so I was the only one who could visit.  I ended up staying with her for a few hours until they finally took out her breathing tubes.  Until then, the only way she could communicate was by sign language.  She knows much more than I do , but at least I can finger spell so I was able to be her voice until she got her own back again.

From there I drove the hour back to the hospital my father was in to check in on him before I started my long journey back to my own house.  Once I finally sat down in the car, I felt the cold I'd been battling all week finally settling in.

By Friday I was absolutely, emotionally and physically exhausted.  Waiting in hospitals for hours (9 hours for my dad, 5 hours for my sister), trying to be strong when I visited (despite never having seen them look quite so ill/weak/vulnerable) and trying to process the fact that half of my immediate family has varying stages of cancer and not knowing when or how this is all going to end is just really, really draining.

Add to that the fact that my marriage is sort of non-existant so I don't have as much support to come home to as I'd like and the fact that we're moving in 6 weeks and I'd say I have about as much stress as one person should have to handle all at once.

On the bright side, I did manage to have a few beers and visit with some friends while I was "home" -- and at least a couple of them were able to make me laugh.  I also ate a LOT of poutine.  And today was my birthday so I got to go to the DIA again and got taken out for dinner and ice cream so it was a pretty good day.

None of that lessens the overbearing presence of cancer but it does help me get through the days a bit better, which is really all I can ask for.