I am terrible at explaining myself. We all know I've been trying to access my emotions and express them better, which I think has been going ok -- I think there's been an improvement, at least -- but it seems I still fail miserably when trying to explain myself. It's one thing to say this is how I feel but it's quite another for me to explain why.
So, I suppose it shouldn't be any wonder when I feel that some people Just. Don't. Get. It.
I've tried explaining. I've tried repeating. I've tried, really I have. And despite it all, and despite all the assurances about how accepting they are, what they end up telling me is how I should feel. That if I would just change how I feel, everything would be better. What they don't seem to get, despite all my attempted explanations is that a) I can't just change how I feel and b) I do not think that changing how I feel would be beneficial for me in any way.
Why don't they get that?
Thursday 28 April 2011
Thursday 14 April 2011
Suspense
I am hanging by a thread. I'm not sure how it's able to hold my weight plus that of the burden of these thoughts I am presently carrying. It's a precarious position to be in and I'm not sure if, or how long, this thread might hold. Or what will happen should it break. On the one hand, disappearing might not be a bad option -- it would be the easiest way to escape the choices I must face. On the other hand, it's really not a feasible option and not one that would help me reach my end goal of Happiness. There are difficult decisions I must face and eventually come to a conclusion about. However, in the meantime, while I carefully consider the costs of each, I dangle over a great abyss, wondering when I'm going to fall.
Monday 4 April 2011
Good Times
This past weekend, I had the immense pleasure of having out-of-town guests come to visit. Having just survived a couple of rough weeks, I really wasn't in the best shape to be having company but given that the guests were my BFF and her two darling daughters, I wasn't too horrified that my house and my being were not in perfect shape.
They arrived Friday night and left Sunday afternoon and in between we did a lot of, well, nothing: we hung out, ate, chatted, the kids played.
Saturday evening, however, found us at a ceilidh, where I was taking part in a highland dance performance and to which the rest of the family and the visiting friends got dragged along to watch. I was expecting a much more welcoming kind of party in which we, the performers, and our guests could also participate. Alas, this was a much more formal affair so there wasn't much for us to do. Luckily, the wee ones found a table with colouring pages and a man who made balloon animals so their evening was a complete success. The rest of us had to do without the balloons, but I always love to dance so I ended up enjoying myself as well.
Since the party was uninviting, we were home relatively early, leaving us the rest of the night to have a girls night with my BFF, my daughter (age 9), my host daughter (exchange student, age 18) and her friend (age 22), who is staying with us for a few weeks. We two older girls broke open a bottle of wine and the five of us proceeded to spend the next few hours playing Dance Dance Revolution and Band Hero on the Wii. Much laughter ensued. Eventually, the younger 3 girls decided it was time for bed, leaving BFF and me to try to polish off the second bottle of wine. Despite our earnest efforts, fatigue got the better of us and we, too, toddled off to bed before the bottle was empty.
All in all it was a great weekend and I think I can honestly say that I had more fun Saturday night than I have had in months. Good, honest fun and laughter are magical and their restorative powers are not to be underestimated. I'm still a far cry from being in a permanently happy place, but at least for one night I was able to forget about my troubles, turn my thoughts to the smiles of those around me and let the good times roll.
They arrived Friday night and left Sunday afternoon and in between we did a lot of, well, nothing: we hung out, ate, chatted, the kids played.
Saturday evening, however, found us at a ceilidh, where I was taking part in a highland dance performance and to which the rest of the family and the visiting friends got dragged along to watch. I was expecting a much more welcoming kind of party in which we, the performers, and our guests could also participate. Alas, this was a much more formal affair so there wasn't much for us to do. Luckily, the wee ones found a table with colouring pages and a man who made balloon animals so their evening was a complete success. The rest of us had to do without the balloons, but I always love to dance so I ended up enjoying myself as well.
Since the party was uninviting, we were home relatively early, leaving us the rest of the night to have a girls night with my BFF, my daughter (age 9), my host daughter (exchange student, age 18) and her friend (age 22), who is staying with us for a few weeks. We two older girls broke open a bottle of wine and the five of us proceeded to spend the next few hours playing Dance Dance Revolution and Band Hero on the Wii. Much laughter ensued. Eventually, the younger 3 girls decided it was time for bed, leaving BFF and me to try to polish off the second bottle of wine. Despite our earnest efforts, fatigue got the better of us and we, too, toddled off to bed before the bottle was empty.
All in all it was a great weekend and I think I can honestly say that I had more fun Saturday night than I have had in months. Good, honest fun and laughter are magical and their restorative powers are not to be underestimated. I'm still a far cry from being in a permanently happy place, but at least for one night I was able to forget about my troubles, turn my thoughts to the smiles of those around me and let the good times roll.
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