Building Courage

I had my first class last Friday.  It was my "Hands On" class, but being the first one I really had no idea what to expect.  I knew there would be some sort of orientation but beyond that, I was prepared to just do whatever came my way.  The first two hours were, indeed, spent listening the the school director explain all the minute details of the school, the program and what we could expect in the coming year.  After a short lunch, we dove straight into massage.

I have never been one of those people who has always loved to massage her friends and family.  While I love to touch people, giving massages has really never been something I did.  Honestly, I balked at the idea of massage therapy for a long time because I had always thought of it in the wrong way.  It wasn't until I began to understand that it was a mode of healing that I really became interested in it. 

So when we were suddenly expected to massage each other in class, I was hit by a big wave of fear and hesitation.  I had never really massaged anyone before and now I was expected to give a massage to some girl I'd just met.  It wasn't that I minded touching her, it was that I had no idea what I was doing!  But we were under some time pressure and I had no choice but to jump right in and do the best I could.  I felt awkward and unsure but I did it.  The nice thing about massage is that really, any massage is a good one so I don't think what I did was terrible -- but I'm sure it could have been better.

My homework for this class is to give massages to 3 different people every week.  I have very quickly acquired a LONG list of friends and aquaintances who have volunteered to be one of my homework 'victims' and although I appreciate their willingness to help me out, I decided to start close to home and to give my first massages to my husband and 2 close friends.  But you know what?  Even that has me a little freaked out.  I have put off and procrastinated and I'm quickly running out of time to get my massages done in time.  I know these people will be very kind and understanding and non-judgmental and will be happy to receive any sort of massage, no matter how amateur, but I am still very, very nervous.

I suppose, just like in class, it's probably best not to think about it too much. I should just jump right in and do what I can.  I just hope that this gets easier, that with every massage I give I build a little bit more courage to make the next one easier.   

It's funny that before school started, I was mostly nervous about the academics.  Now I have found that there's more to be nervous about.  I guess I have a lot to learn this year, both about massage and about myself.

Congratulations to Me

It's official: I am a student!  Again.!  There are still a few loose ends to tie up (like paying tuition and signing up for electives) but today I completed the enrollment process and am now ready to start classes to become a massage therapist and holistic/energy healer. 

I am, for the most part, very excited.  Part of me is still a little freaked out by the prospect of having to use my brain after 12 years of dormancy (is that even a word?!) and the fact that I will have to learn science-type stuff (physiology, anatomy) but mostly, as I said, I am thrilled.

And I am very, very proud of myself.  This is proof that although the last year has been very difficult, I have grown and I am ready to set out and, well, grow some more.  I wouldn't have had the confidence to do this a few years ago, even if I had known what I wanted to do.  It's been a rocky road, but it seems to have led me in the right direction.

I also know that this is just a step, but it's a pretty big one.  There will be other steps - taken one at a time - and the road may continue to be rocky as I learn who I am, who I want to be and how I fit into the world around me, but for now I am enjoying this moment and all the happiness it has brought with it. 

So, raise a glass, my friends: it's time to celebrate!