I went to class tonight and was told we would be meditating. Excellent! We would be meditating on love. Excellent again! We settled in and listened to the teacher for a while before we moved on to the meditation part of the class. I was expecting to be overwhelmed with goodness and warm waves of love -- but life has a funny way of giving you what you least expect.
We did 3 different meditations and each was progressively more difficult for me than the previous one. Each was also rather more disturbing than the last so instead of leaving tonight's class imbued with warm fuzzies and my usual state of calm contentedness, I was a complete and utter mess.
I know this experience will prove to be beneficial for me. We can not heal until we know where our wounds are. However, it seems I have more than I reckoned and they run deep.
Luckily, I have people who can guide me and help me. With them by my side, I hope that one day I will be able to meditate on love with a happy heart.
Saturday 22 May 2010
Thursday 20 May 2010
Decisions
Decision making has always been difficult for me. If the decision is not blatantly obvious I find it extremely challenging to make up my mind. I make lists of pros and cons, weigh all my options and deliberate but still find it so very hard to actually come to a decision -- and harder still to then act upon said decision.
I wonder if this is related to me avoiding conflict and risk. Or maybe it has to do with an inability to commit.
Most of the time I am able to get by. Oftentimes I leave the decision making up to others, but I'm beginning to think that this is perhaps not the best way to do things. I have become very good at letting life happen to me. While this has turned out fairly well, I think perhaps I would like to start taking a more active role in the process, which would necessitate learning how to make decisions and then, of course, following through on them.
Practice makes progress, they say, and as I am currently debating a few topics with myself, I will no doubt be able to excercise my decision-making ability fairly frequently in the near future. The trouble is that when I actually start making decisions for myself, there will be no one but myself to blame for how things turn out...
I wonder if this is related to me avoiding conflict and risk. Or maybe it has to do with an inability to commit.
Most of the time I am able to get by. Oftentimes I leave the decision making up to others, but I'm beginning to think that this is perhaps not the best way to do things. I have become very good at letting life happen to me. While this has turned out fairly well, I think perhaps I would like to start taking a more active role in the process, which would necessitate learning how to make decisions and then, of course, following through on them.
Practice makes progress, they say, and as I am currently debating a few topics with myself, I will no doubt be able to excercise my decision-making ability fairly frequently in the near future. The trouble is that when I actually start making decisions for myself, there will be no one but myself to blame for how things turn out...
Tuesday 18 May 2010
(In)Dependence
Yesterday I came upon the realization that I am utterly and completely dependent upon my husband -- for everything. Not in the personal sense, as I think I have quite an independent nature, but in the practical sense.
My husband and I are from different countries and we live in a third country. This has been the case since the inception of our relationship. The third country (ie. where we live) changes frequently, but the situation itself doesn't change. This lifestyle, by definition, necessitates all manner of beurocracy: passports, visas, work permits, etc and as a result I am inextricably bound to my husband. His job provides the necessary paperwork for us to be able to live here, which means that without him, my papers are invalid. Also, the type of paperwork I receive only allows me to live, but not to work, in aforementioned third country.
Until recently, this has not been much of an issue. I am a stay-at-home Mom by choice so the inability to work has not concerned me overly much. However, as we live in the US, and as I am not the privileged holder of a Social Security Number, I am constantly disadvantaged. I was reminded of this once again yesterday, when I tried to procure a new cell phone for myself, that a SSN is required for pretty much everything in this country. This means that I, myself, am unable do pretty much everything - on my own - in this country.
As a result, I think I will finally need to look into getting myself some real papers of my own. Not just for the cell phone or a bank account or setting up auto-pay for the electricity bill or getting an Old Navy credit card or any of the multitude of things I can't presently do. Not just for the possibility of being able to legally accept some kind of work were it offered to me. But for myself and my independence.
My husband and I are from different countries and we live in a third country. This has been the case since the inception of our relationship. The third country (ie. where we live) changes frequently, but the situation itself doesn't change. This lifestyle, by definition, necessitates all manner of beurocracy: passports, visas, work permits, etc and as a result I am inextricably bound to my husband. His job provides the necessary paperwork for us to be able to live here, which means that without him, my papers are invalid. Also, the type of paperwork I receive only allows me to live, but not to work, in aforementioned third country.
Until recently, this has not been much of an issue. I am a stay-at-home Mom by choice so the inability to work has not concerned me overly much. However, as we live in the US, and as I am not the privileged holder of a Social Security Number, I am constantly disadvantaged. I was reminded of this once again yesterday, when I tried to procure a new cell phone for myself, that a SSN is required for pretty much everything in this country. This means that I, myself, am unable do pretty much everything - on my own - in this country.
As a result, I think I will finally need to look into getting myself some real papers of my own. Not just for the cell phone or a bank account or setting up auto-pay for the electricity bill or getting an Old Navy credit card or any of the multitude of things I can't presently do. Not just for the possibility of being able to legally accept some kind of work were it offered to me. But for myself and my independence.
Thursday 13 May 2010
Enough is Enough
Yesterday I reached the breaking point: that magical moment where my proverbial cup ran over and the straw broke the camel's back. It was a long time coming, as is often the case, so it is not overly surprising that it did come. However, I do find it curious that the event that marked the end of Enough was not really all that cataclysmic.
Which makes me ponder when it is that we decide that Enough really is Enough. Maybe I had already decided and was just waiting for one more thing - anything - to happen to be able to announce to the world, that I had, indeed, had Enough.
Because once that was decided, texts were sent, phone calls were made, emails were mailed and actions were taken that will quickly and seriously alter the lives of those involved. My Enough has quickly become bigger than me and I am left with a mixed bag of feelings, running the gamut from relief to disappointment.
So while this chapter has ended, the question that I still have is what exactly makes me decide when Enough is Enough? There are other parts of my life in which tensions are palpable, and have been for a long time. What will make me decide to call "Enough!" in those situations? Or what if someone else calls it first?
Because calling it is just the beginning...
Which makes me ponder when it is that we decide that Enough really is Enough. Maybe I had already decided and was just waiting for one more thing - anything - to happen to be able to announce to the world, that I had, indeed, had Enough.
Because once that was decided, texts were sent, phone calls were made, emails were mailed and actions were taken that will quickly and seriously alter the lives of those involved. My Enough has quickly become bigger than me and I am left with a mixed bag of feelings, running the gamut from relief to disappointment.
So while this chapter has ended, the question that I still have is what exactly makes me decide when Enough is Enough? There are other parts of my life in which tensions are palpable, and have been for a long time. What will make me decide to call "Enough!" in those situations? Or what if someone else calls it first?
Because calling it is just the beginning...
Tuesday 11 May 2010
Daring to Dream
By George, I've done it! I'm pretty sure I've come up with a dream, a plan, a goal for myself. Granted, I've had vague notions of future plans before but none of them have felt like this.
Over the past year or so, I have come up with many plans. No, actually, other people (husband, friends) have suggested many ideas to me about what I could do with myself, career-wise. They have all been good ideas. I would likely be able to make any or all of them succeed given the particular set of skills with which I am equipped. While that is all well and good, none of those plans ever felt perfectly me.
Some might say I'm being a mite too fussy but, honestly, if I am starting from scratch in designing a future for myself, then, dammit, I want it to fit! Perfectly! Whatever career I end up having that will take me away from my children and my family, has to be something that I am going to love completely. To be cliche about it, it has to be a "calling". I want my work to feel like play. And why shouldn't I?
The amazing thing is that I think I've found it. I believe I have found something that fits, that suits me. It is not something I can do yet. I will need to work towards it, but I know that I can do it. I have even signed up for the first set of classes! (Yay me!) There are a number of classes I will need to take, there are many things I will have to learn and there are skills I will have to master but that's ok. I am so excited by the possibilities!
And for once, I'm not bringing myself down by thinking about the practicalities. I'll deal with those when the time comes. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on getting this ball rolling -- and I'm going to enjoy the ride.
Over the past year or so, I have come up with many plans. No, actually, other people (husband, friends) have suggested many ideas to me about what I could do with myself, career-wise. They have all been good ideas. I would likely be able to make any or all of them succeed given the particular set of skills with which I am equipped. While that is all well and good, none of those plans ever felt perfectly me.
Some might say I'm being a mite too fussy but, honestly, if I am starting from scratch in designing a future for myself, then, dammit, I want it to fit! Perfectly! Whatever career I end up having that will take me away from my children and my family, has to be something that I am going to love completely. To be cliche about it, it has to be a "calling". I want my work to feel like play. And why shouldn't I?
The amazing thing is that I think I've found it. I believe I have found something that fits, that suits me. It is not something I can do yet. I will need to work towards it, but I know that I can do it. I have even signed up for the first set of classes! (Yay me!) There are a number of classes I will need to take, there are many things I will have to learn and there are skills I will have to master but that's ok. I am so excited by the possibilities!
And for once, I'm not bringing myself down by thinking about the practicalities. I'll deal with those when the time comes. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on getting this ball rolling -- and I'm going to enjoy the ride.
Monday 10 May 2010
Absence
You may have noticed that I have been absent from blogland for a while. If you have noticed and have missed me, then I thank you for noticing. I knew it had been a few days since I had written but didn't realize it had been quite so long. There are many excuses to be proffered, mostly about me being busy, but when it comes right down to it, it really doesn't matter why I was absent, only that I was.
The fact that I was absent is also a stark reminder for me that I have been falling into old habits, specifically being that of not talking when I am upset. I started this blog to make me exercise my voice in the hopes that it would be there when I needed it. Obviously, there is still work that needs to be done.
The past few days have been rather emotional ones for me on many levels. There have been ups, downs, highs and lows and while I think I handled most of them fairly well, I was not able to organize my thoughts well enough to put any of it in my blog. Although I was using my real voice, my virtual voice was absent and suffered accordingly.
Bearing all that in mind, I will pledge to myself to do better. To write even when I am not at my best -- perhaps because I am not at my best. To exercise my voice in all its capacities, that it might serve me well when I most need it. To stay faithful to myself and, simply, to be present.
The fact that I was absent is also a stark reminder for me that I have been falling into old habits, specifically being that of not talking when I am upset. I started this blog to make me exercise my voice in the hopes that it would be there when I needed it. Obviously, there is still work that needs to be done.
The past few days have been rather emotional ones for me on many levels. There have been ups, downs, highs and lows and while I think I handled most of them fairly well, I was not able to organize my thoughts well enough to put any of it in my blog. Although I was using my real voice, my virtual voice was absent and suffered accordingly.
Bearing all that in mind, I will pledge to myself to do better. To write even when I am not at my best -- perhaps because I am not at my best. To exercise my voice in all its capacities, that it might serve me well when I most need it. To stay faithful to myself and, simply, to be present.
Wednesday 5 May 2010
Rollercoasters
Is everyone else's life such an emotional rollercoaster? Or is it just mine? I remember a time when everything was good, all the time. Sadly, I did not know enough then to treasure the simplicity but I certainly do now.
The last few months have, as I'm sure you've noted, been exceptionally vibrant, emotionally speaking. I have covered the full spectrum of sentiments and it seems that I'm now starting to cycle through them yet again. I am confused and exhausted and I want it to stop. I don't want to have to ride through all the ups and downs and corkscrews and loop-de-loops anymore. I don't want to have to figure out how to express the gazillions of emotions that we are able to experience. I would like to stop this train and get off.
But I know that if I stick with it, I will become a better, more balanced and more complete person. There will be untold benefits. When I slow down enough to think about it, I realize that I am learning a lot about myself which should prove to be useful as I try to navigate my way through the rest of my life. Like anything else you try to learn, it's hard work and it takes time and energy. So I will stick with it.
It really is like being on a rollercoaster: after you've slowly crept your way to the top of the first hill, you get a little scared. Then you ride through all sorts of craziness, simultaneously loving it and hating it. Finally, things slow down and level out and you're left with a rush of adrenaline, a smile on your face and the desire to conquer the world (or at least the next ride). So I will be patient and wait for all the craziness to level out, because I'm really looking forward to being able to smile at the end of it.
The last few months have, as I'm sure you've noted, been exceptionally vibrant, emotionally speaking. I have covered the full spectrum of sentiments and it seems that I'm now starting to cycle through them yet again. I am confused and exhausted and I want it to stop. I don't want to have to ride through all the ups and downs and corkscrews and loop-de-loops anymore. I don't want to have to figure out how to express the gazillions of emotions that we are able to experience. I would like to stop this train and get off.
But I know that if I stick with it, I will become a better, more balanced and more complete person. There will be untold benefits. When I slow down enough to think about it, I realize that I am learning a lot about myself which should prove to be useful as I try to navigate my way through the rest of my life. Like anything else you try to learn, it's hard work and it takes time and energy. So I will stick with it.
It really is like being on a rollercoaster: after you've slowly crept your way to the top of the first hill, you get a little scared. Then you ride through all sorts of craziness, simultaneously loving it and hating it. Finally, things slow down and level out and you're left with a rush of adrenaline, a smile on your face and the desire to conquer the world (or at least the next ride). So I will be patient and wait for all the craziness to level out, because I'm really looking forward to being able to smile at the end of it.
Organizing my Thoughts
So it seems I'm not very good at hiding my emotions. I was a bit of a mess today - ok, a big mess - which I stoically tried to hide from the masses. Fortunately, there are a few people who exclude themselves from the masses so that when they asked the usually non-committal, "how are you?" today and I replied with "ok" or "all right", they actually knew that I was neither ok nor all right. In one case, I actually came right out & replied that I was "not very good". There's really not many people you can say that to. (I used to do it when I was having a bad day at work as a cashier and would completely freak out the customers.) But today it was a friend so I felt perfectly fine giving her an honest answer.
The question to follow was, naturally, "why?". I've spent all day today trying to figure that out. As I said last night, I had a gazillion thoughts running through my head and I was unable to catch hold of any of them. Today, at least, I was able to slow them down and then grab hold and sort them into neat little packages so that I could deal with all the different issues one at a time. Actually, there aren't really that many issues. More like many different facets of the same issue. But I think I did quite well at sorting and simplifying today and I think I've got a pretty good handle on what is bothering me.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist. That should prove to be interesting. I plan on making him earn his fee, taking full advantage of my 45 minutes with him.
Of course, my unofficial therapists (aka friends) were also very useful today. Simply by asking what was wrong and actually wanting an honest answer was good for me. I was able to sort through my thoughts anew every time I repeated myself to each of my friends. And they, in turn, were able to ask varying questions and help me further negotiate the intricate web of ideas I had created.
At this point, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with any of these thoughts, ideas, conclusions and realizations but it's nice to know that I have people who will at least listen to me. And some day, when I'm ready to act upon them, I hope these same people will be around to listen and inquire and help to prod me in the right direction. Just like they did today.
The question to follow was, naturally, "why?". I've spent all day today trying to figure that out. As I said last night, I had a gazillion thoughts running through my head and I was unable to catch hold of any of them. Today, at least, I was able to slow them down and then grab hold and sort them into neat little packages so that I could deal with all the different issues one at a time. Actually, there aren't really that many issues. More like many different facets of the same issue. But I think I did quite well at sorting and simplifying today and I think I've got a pretty good handle on what is bothering me.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist. That should prove to be interesting. I plan on making him earn his fee, taking full advantage of my 45 minutes with him.
Of course, my unofficial therapists (aka friends) were also very useful today. Simply by asking what was wrong and actually wanting an honest answer was good for me. I was able to sort through my thoughts anew every time I repeated myself to each of my friends. And they, in turn, were able to ask varying questions and help me further negotiate the intricate web of ideas I had created.
At this point, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with any of these thoughts, ideas, conclusions and realizations but it's nice to know that I have people who will at least listen to me. And some day, when I'm ready to act upon them, I hope these same people will be around to listen and inquire and help to prod me in the right direction. Just like they did today.
Tuesday 4 May 2010
Whirlwind
Tonight I have far too many things whirling around in my brain and I am finding it extraordinarily difficult to settle on a single theme to write about. I have been covering many topics today in my conversations with myself: balance, dreams, desires and the future to name but a few. All of these notions are jumbled together, inextricably, in a tornado of thought.
Perhaps tomorrow I will be able to make sense of them all, or at least be able to separate some of them into coherent ideas. When I do, I will write them down and maybe, if they are at all valid and if I am brave enough, I will share some of them with you.
Perhaps tomorrow I will be able to make sense of them all, or at least be able to separate some of them into coherent ideas. When I do, I will write them down and maybe, if they are at all valid and if I am brave enough, I will share some of them with you.
Sunday 2 May 2010
The Importance of Being Earnestly Drunk
I like to drink. Particularly, I like to drink to excess. I enjoy being drunk. I am a happy drunk and for me, nothing is better than sharing a few (too many) drinks with good friends and reveling in the laughter and careless conversation that ensues.
I once read that people from northern climes tend to binge drink more than their more southerly located counterparts. Being from Canada, I suppose I qualify for northern locale group and it seems to fit. I have never been one to have just a single drink and be content. I don't drink wine with dinner (because I don't like the way it makes my food taste) and I will only rarely sit and have a drink with a friend if it's only going to be one drink. I would rather forego the alcohol altogether and have a diet Coke instead. If I'm going to drink, then it's got to have purpose, which is, namely, becoming inebriated.
I am also very much a social drinker so I prefer to be drunk with other like-minded indiviuals. Thus, good drinking buddies are very important for me to have around. It is, in fact, not so much the drinking that I savour as much as the merriment that comes with it. I have found, over the years, that nothing serves me better than a good drunk with friends. Laughter increases seratonin levels and, subsequently, improves my mood not only for that night but for days to follow. It always amazes me how a single night of debauchery can simultaneously reduce my stress levels and put me in a better mood for an indefinite but decidedly longer period of time afterwards.
Unfortunately, I don't have very many drinking buddies and most of the ones I do have do not live close to me. As a result, I don't get to drink earnestly very often. Perhaps this is a good thing, though, - other than for the obvious inherant health risks - as the relative rarity of the occasions makes me so much more appreciative of them when they do occur.
I once read that people from northern climes tend to binge drink more than their more southerly located counterparts. Being from Canada, I suppose I qualify for northern locale group and it seems to fit. I have never been one to have just a single drink and be content. I don't drink wine with dinner (because I don't like the way it makes my food taste) and I will only rarely sit and have a drink with a friend if it's only going to be one drink. I would rather forego the alcohol altogether and have a diet Coke instead. If I'm going to drink, then it's got to have purpose, which is, namely, becoming inebriated.
I am also very much a social drinker so I prefer to be drunk with other like-minded indiviuals. Thus, good drinking buddies are very important for me to have around. It is, in fact, not so much the drinking that I savour as much as the merriment that comes with it. I have found, over the years, that nothing serves me better than a good drunk with friends. Laughter increases seratonin levels and, subsequently, improves my mood not only for that night but for days to follow. It always amazes me how a single night of debauchery can simultaneously reduce my stress levels and put me in a better mood for an indefinite but decidedly longer period of time afterwards.
Unfortunately, I don't have very many drinking buddies and most of the ones I do have do not live close to me. As a result, I don't get to drink earnestly very often. Perhaps this is a good thing, though, - other than for the obvious inherant health risks - as the relative rarity of the occasions makes me so much more appreciative of them when they do occur.
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