So it seems I'm not very good at hiding my emotions. I was a bit of a mess today - ok, a big mess - which I stoically tried to hide from the masses. Fortunately, there are a few people who exclude themselves from the masses so that when they asked the usually non-committal, "how are you?" today and I replied with "ok" or "all right", they actually knew that I was neither ok nor all right. In one case, I actually came right out & replied that I was "not very good". There's really not many people you can say that to. (I used to do it when I was having a bad day at work as a cashier and would completely freak out the customers.) But today it was a friend so I felt perfectly fine giving her an honest answer.
The question to follow was, naturally, "why?". I've spent all day today trying to figure that out. As I said last night, I had a gazillion thoughts running through my head and I was unable to catch hold of any of them. Today, at least, I was able to slow them down and then grab hold and sort them into neat little packages so that I could deal with all the different issues one at a time. Actually, there aren't really that many issues. More like many different facets of the same issue. But I think I did quite well at sorting and simplifying today and I think I've got a pretty good handle on what is bothering me.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist. That should prove to be interesting. I plan on making him earn his fee, taking full advantage of my 45 minutes with him.
Of course, my unofficial therapists (aka friends) were also very useful today. Simply by asking what was wrong and actually wanting an honest answer was good for me. I was able to sort through my thoughts anew every time I repeated myself to each of my friends. And they, in turn, were able to ask varying questions and help me further negotiate the intricate web of ideas I had created.
At this point, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with any of these thoughts, ideas, conclusions and realizations but it's nice to know that I have people who will at least listen to me. And some day, when I'm ready to act upon them, I hope these same people will be around to listen and inquire and help to prod me in the right direction. Just like they did today.
The thought on what to reply to the question "how are you ?" has mesmerized me for quite some years already. What you are allowed to say seems to depend greatly on the culture and society one happens to be living in. In (english speaking) Canada and the USA anything less of "great" does not seem to be good enough. At first the exhibited optimism in that one little word really drew me to the North-American people. Now I question it more as a preprogrammed and dishonest "whatever" or even "none of your business". Other cultures seem to do that as well, maybe not as strongly but still. "Baik, baik" or "baik saja" in Indonesia or "hen hao" in China, "todo ben" in Brazil or "muy bien" in Spain ... Untill you get to Germany. Over there the answer to the question "how are you ?" seems to receive quite a bit of thought and reflexion and is mostly given in a brutally honest way. Just like I really enjoyed the "great" in North-America at first, I really disliked the honest answers of the Germans at first. Thoughts like "meckern auf hohem Niveau" crossed my mind repeatedly. Till I discovered that as soon as they stop with the "Meckerei", they actually have reasons to be "meckering" and focus on fixing the situation instead. As a culture they gain my full appreciation in that instance.
ReplyDeleteLooking at my own cultural background, we tend to answer something like "ca va, ca va" but one will also hear stuff like "'t steekt teegn vandaohe" or "'t zoe 'n bitje beter moogn zin". Not as direct as the Germans but still way more honest than the North-Americans. Not sure why I am typing this here all down. I guess I want to make you aware of the cultural pressure you might be dealing with, where you live right now, but also that you grew up in. However you decide to deal with it, I wish you all the best. I tend to listen to the positive and the way forward and the solution only. Does not mean I will not listen to you when you are not feeling all that great. But at least you get to read where I like to invest my time and energy. See you soon. XOXOXO