Homeostasis

In school I'm always hearing about homeostasis: "a relatively stable state of equilibrium or a tendency toward such a state between the different but interdependent elements or groups of elements of an organism, population, or group." (Merriam-Webster)  Basically, it means that our bodies are constantly seeking balance.  At school, we are generally referring to physiological homeostasis, but the term can also be applied quite generally as well.

Over the past few days I've been able to observe myself seeking homeostasis.  I have not, by any means, been actively trying to balance myself, but it's happening - at least a little - whether I like it or not.

On Wednesday evening, I had what I shall refer to as an emotional breakdown.  A lot of things that I'd been keeping suppressed finally decided they needed to come out, which they did.  In force.  When it was over, I felt as if I had nothing left, as if I were broken.  I felt this way for a couple of days before I noticed that each day I felt a little bit better, even though nothing had changed.  Then today I felt somewhat buoyed by my son's birthday party and noted that I was looking forward to Halloween tomorrow.  It was nice to know that I was still capable of smiling and finding pleasure in some small aspects of my life. 

If you had asked me on Wednesday night if I thought that would be possible, I would have said "no".  But we humans are very interesting creatures.  What I'm learning is that despite everything that may be happening, our bodies will seek balance.  Even when we are down, we will (eventually) be able to see a silver lining somewhere, even if we're not really looking for it.  I won't always feel empty and broken, because my body won't let me. 

A Single Quote

"Looking in the mirror, staring back at me isn't so much a face as the expression of a predicament."
- Prof. George Falconer (Colin Firth) in 'A Single Man'

Rebel Yell

I've been in a miserable mood off and on for the past week.  There has been lots going on, both emotionally and otherwise, but somehow my mood never seemed to be related to the current highs or lows of my emotional state.  I obviously knew something was bothering me, but couldn't quite figure it out -- until today.

Today I remembered that I really - and I mean really - don't like being told what to do.  I'm sure anyone who knows me well enough will attest to that.  In a school or work situation, I'm ok with it but in my personal life, I really don't respond well to having other people ordering me around.  There's too much rebel in me.

I found this realization a little amusing because for the most part I think I've become tame - age does that to us - and I often wonder what has become of the individualist I used to be.  Well, it turns out she's still in there and she will make herself known if you try to tell me what to do. 

So while I don't particularly enjoy being miserable, I'm much more accepting of it now that I know the reason for it.  Because underneath it all I quite like that part of me.  The part that won't go softly into this good night when told to go there.  I might still go, but not without a good loud rebel yell.

Alone

Every once in a while, despite my best efforts to ignore and subdue, I realize that I am alone.  Whether or not I am physically alone is mostly irrelevant.  The fact is that I feel alone almost all the time - and have done for at least the last 24 years.  I have never felt that I fit in, that I am understood.  It has been proven time and again that I don't fit in, that I am not understood, that I just don't think like the masses.  And while independent thinking is, perhaps, a good trait to have, the result for me is that I feel very alone.

I'm sure there are a few people who would be surprised to hear this, for I have many friends.  I have 245 "friends" on Facebook and countless real life "friends" all over the world.  I am very close to some of these people and I can pour my heart out to them if I wish to (and sometimes I do).  But in the end, when the conversation is over, I go back to being alone.  It's a feeling I can never seem to shake, no matter how hard I try.

And I do try.  I don't like being alone or feeling alone and I don't think I should feel alone. Quite honestly, I'm tired of feeling this way.  I am married, I have a family, I go to school, I have an active social life and seem to have plenty of people around me often enough.  All of that should mean something; stand for something; provide me with something.  Sometimes it does, but never for long enough.  And sometimes I am successful at ignoring the loneliness, but never for long enough.

Sparkle and Shine

I started writing a post a couple of weeks ago but never got it finished.  In fact, I don't think I even finished the first sentence (although I was much further along in my head).  The post was in response to a surprise phone call I got from a dear old frined.  This friend and I don't speak often and luckily that hasn't ever managed to diminish our friendship.  Because we hadn't talked in so long, we had a lot of catching up to do.  As I went about filling him in on various developments in my life over the past few months (year?) he commented that I have my sparkle back.  Not only did I love the way he worded his observation, but it was yet another confirmation that I have chosen the right path.

Unfortunately, the tide turned soon after that conversation and a number of factors in my personal life had me starting on a(nother) downward spiral into depression.  Luckily that only lasted a couple of days before I was able to pull myself back up.  I'm sure school played a roll in that as well, as it shifted my focus to anatomy, rather than the world at large that I was sure was conspiring against me.

This weekend I had a 16-hour seminar in Polarity, which is a form of energy work/healing.  In the course of the day on Sunday, we did some work that touched upon some areas that I obviously still need to work on.  I still have a lot of emotional and spiritual work to do and there are still some deeply covered wounds that need to be healed.

So while I may have had my sparkle back a couple of weeks ago, I think it has dimmed to a shimmer.  But knowing I was sparkly for even a short while gives me hope that I may someday figure out how to make my sparkle stick around.