Interruptions

I spent a few days with my family over Christmas this year: 2 with my parents and 2 with my sister and her family.  The last day with my parents was very stressful.  It was Christmas day and we were all there for dinner and, as I've reported before, my mother freaks out and oozes stress and anxiety, which then causes my father to become annoyed and by dessert the whole affair is less than festive.  I am getting used to this new family dynamic even though it's not an ideal way to spend time together.  However, it was what happened later that evening that really sent me spinning and made the pathology of so many of my behaviours so much clearer.

My mother & I crossed paths on the stairs and some sort of conversation ensued.  To be honest, I have no idea now what I was saying.  It probably wasn't important but the fact was that I was talking and relating something to my mother.  In the middle of whatever it was I was saying, she interrupted to tell me that she had a weird twinge in her nose.  She then went on to say that she had no idea where she might have picked up a bug, could be anywhere, blah, blah, blah.  I literally stared at her with my mouth open.  Firstly, because she interrupted me.  Secondly, because her remarks were a complete non-sequitur to the conversation.  She asked me why I was looking at her that way & all I could say was that it didn't make sense.  This was the second time that night she'd been accused of non-linear conversation so she got upset and our conversation ended abruptly.  At that point, I cared very little that this might reflect her memory issues and the inability to follow conversation.  All I cared about was that she had completely interrupted me - without even noticing.  What's more is that I realized that she has been doing this my entire life.

Is it any wonder, then, that I have always felt like what I have to say isn't important and that nobody really wants to listen to me?  Is it any wonder that I have such a hard time talking to people?  I now realize it should come as no surprise at all, given that my own mother habitually disregarded me and what I was saying.

To make matters worse, I married a man who does the same thing.  Not just to me, but to the children as well.  I am strong enough to point out when he interrupts the children with a completely irrelevant thought but I rarely speak up for myself, possibly because I am just so used to being interrupted and/or ignored.

I'm not sure if anything will change now that I'm aware of this.  Maybe I'll be more conscious when it happens and be strong enough to continue on with what I have to say.  Even if I don't, I at least feel like I've won half the battle by recognizing why I feel the way that I do.  At the very least I hope to be able to forge relationships with people who care about what I have to say.  

The worst part...

...is that I am all alone in the darkness.

Darkness

It's been quite a while since I felt this way: sad, hopeless, lost.  I've been wondering most of the night what the point is to this meaningless & futile existence I lead.  I try so hard.  I'm a relatively good person.  I don't want much.  I don't understand why everything is so damn hard.  My life is completely fucked up and I am trapped in it.  I keep trying to get out but nothing works.  The changes are too small and too far apart to leave any sustainable feeling of improvement. 

As long as I live in my bubble and go about my daily activities, I can pretend that everything is ok.  But it just takes one little thing to remind me that I'm in that protective bubble and why.

Maybe one day I'll get out but at this rate I don't know what will be left of me when I do.