The Rules

The Rules are changing.  Every relationship -regardless of its kind - has a set of rules.  These rules are slowly formed as the relationship builds and grows until eventually there they are and there they stay with everyone unaware of them and yet following them.  This works until something changes.

Right now, that something is me.  I am changing and growing and becoming a different Me than I have been for most of the course of my marriage.  As a result the Rules of my marriage and of my relationship with my husband are changing.  (I imagine the Rules with my children are changing, too, but as they themselves are constantly changing, that is to be expected in any case.)  I am not sure how my husband is going to accept these changes, as it means that he must also change and adapt to the new Rules and perhaps make his own new set of Rules. 

The road to self-discovery is not an easy one.  I am paving a new way for myself and my marriage.  It's difficult and it creates a lot of uncertainty but it will be worth it.  It is worth it. 

Making a List and Checking it Twice

I am not a maker of lists.  The only list I keep is for groceries, which is not so much for myself but so that the rest of my family can write down what they want me to purchase at the store.  However, I do have friends who keep lists and it seems to help them do any number of things from being more organized, more productive or simply just keeping track of their lives.  I think I should try making lists.

There are many I could make:

1. Things to Do Today
2. Things to Do In the Near Future
3. Things to Do Eventually
4. Things that Make me Happy (so I can refer to it and do more of those things)
5. Things that Make me Unhappy (so I can avoid those things)
6. Things I Would Like to Learn
7. Places I Would Like to Go

Oh, I could go on and on.  It's not really the making of lists that is the problem, but the part where I check them twice.  I tend to lose my lists, or at least forget about them once they are made, which really defeats the whole purpose of having a list since I never check anything off.

But maybe I'll give it another whirl and see if I can make it work this time.  Let's just say that a little more organization (of my thoughts if not my actions) and productivity would not be unwelcome around here.

Elusive Happiness

My dear friend K over at A New Day posed this question on Sunday: "Where are you at in your life right now?"  I've been giving this question a lot of thought and I've concluded that where I'm at is not where I want to be.

It seems that my life is cycling, circling and I never seem to be getting anywhere.  At least as far as my emotional stability is concerned.  Every time I think things are looking up, it seems that it all just comes crashing down around me again.  Have you ever watched a duckling try to scramble up on the muddy bank of a pond?  He tries and tries but can't quite do it so he swims around in the water for another while then tries again to hoist himself up on the bank.  I really want to be up on the bank but I keep slipping back down into the water.

I know I have made some progress.  I have not revisited the deep, dark pit of despair in which I found myself in the winter.  And I have have made certain, very promising strides in pursuing a new career path.  Both of those are very significant and positive advances but in the grand scheme of things, I wonder if it really makes a difference.  If anything is going to make a difference. 

K also said, "sometimes we are where we need to be".  If this is where I need to be, this constant cycle of almost being on the road to contentment but then finding myself lost again, then so be it.  I'm sure I'm here for a reason, which could be nothing more than learning what unhappiness is so that I can recognize happiness again when it does come.  I really hope it does because I would really like to be happy again.  And stay that way.

You Can't Buy Happiness

I'm cheating a bit tonight.  I stole this little quote from a little story my cousin shared on Facebook.  The story was typically cheesy but these few sentences from the end struck a chord with me.  I often struggle to find the right words to say it but whoever wrote this seems to have gotten the nuance right:

"The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy."

There's really not much more I feel like adding to this so do with it what you will.

Communication 101

One of the things that I've been working on lately are my communication skills.  I'm trying to be more vocal, more assertive and to let my opinions, thoughts and feelings out.  My therapist loves to say that he'd rather see people make a mess and clean it up that to never make a mess at all.  A friend of mine added that sweeping it all under the rug only works until it doesn't.  For my whole life I have been very good at sweeping things under the rug and not making messes.  Recently, I realized it wasn't working very well for me anymore. 

As most of us know, realizing and admitting our faults and foibles is at least half the battle.  I've done that.  I know that I'm very bad at saying what's on my mind and I've been making a concerted effort to change that.  Oddly, in doing so I've also noticed that I even hold back from saying good things.  Mostly I'm all about conflict avoidance, but I've yet to figure out why I hold back when it comes to sharing positive words.

At any rate, I've been working on it.  The trouble is that still, even when I think I'm being more assertive and forthright, it sometimes doesn't seem like my message is being received.  This leads me to doubt myself and wonder if I'm doing a good enough job.  Is it me?  Is it my fault?  Or is it simply that my words are falling on deaf ears?  I wish I knew.

In the meantime, I'll keep working at it and hope that some day this will all be more natural for me and the new super communicative Me will have fuller, brighter, more meaningful relationships.  Or at least relationships in which I know I'm being heard.

Welcome Back, Indeed!

And what a welcome it was!  Not only was I pleasantly surprised to find that people actually missed reading my blog, but today I received the "One Lovely Blog Award" from my friend C, who is a fellow blogger.  While I am not going to play along with the rules of the award and perpetuate the viral nature of it, I will admit that I am thrilled to have received it.  Obviously, it's not the award that I am so thrilled about.  It's the fact that a) I was thought of in this context, b) I had two marvellous compliments bestowed upon me and c) this was all publicly broadcast on her blog.

As I'm sure I've mentioned in previous posts, my self esteem is not particularly high at this point in my life.  Even when I was much more confident and sure of myself, I still loved a good compliment, but now they are even more meaningful to me and I treasure them so much more.  Perhaps because I need the validation from outside sources that I do have some good qualities; that there is more to me than most people realize; that despite not being "accomplished" in so many other ways, there are at least a few people out there who may think that I do have some redeeming qualities about me.

So, even though I'm not playing along, I am touched and honoured to have received the Award.  It has brightened my day and given my poor soul a wee push in the right direction.  Thank you.

The Lost has Returned

You may have noticed that I have been away.  I apologize.  My last post was just over a month ago, and as I review the last few weeks, I hope you will understand my absence from Blogland.

Just after my last post, school ended for the summer.  Anyone with children will understand that the last week of school is absolute chaos as they try to fill the last few days with anything that will allow the children to be occupied without the teachers having to teach.  Therefore, there are carnivals, field days and class parties to participate in.  There are also luncheons and coffees for the parent volunteers.  It's a busy time to say the least.

Then the glorious First Day of Summer Vacation arrives and we settle in for late nights, campfires, sleepovers, sleeping in, long days at the beach, endless hours on the trampoline and nothing in the world to do but play with our friends.  We love summer.

Our plan for the first part of the summer was that the children would attend day camp for a week and then we would have 2 weeks of family vacation.  We had considered doing a road trip.  However, extenuating circumstances came into play and my husband decided that he should go to Germany to renew his visa (very long story).  My son also wanted to visit Italy while we are in Europe.  So, 5 days before we were to leave, flights were booked and we tried to hastily prepare for 2 weeks or more in Europe.  What ensued was, from my perspective, chaos and stress.  What followed in Italy was, from my perspective, chaos and stress.  As such, I had very little time and perhaps even less energy to try to sit down and attempt to write anything that might have been considered cohesive or coherent.

However, now that I have returned home again and have considerably less stress and chaos in my life, I hope to be able to return wholeheartedly to Blogland, posting with regularity and, with any luck, some insight.