Well, it seems I did jinx myself after all. Not that I was really any less productive today than I have been. I got a lot done & the day flew by, which is always nice. However, I did manage to jinx my mood because I finally fell off of Cloud 9, where I'd been residing since last Friday.
I knew all of these wonderfully pleasant feelings couldn't - and wouldn't - last, but I'd hoped I'd get more than 3 days before I came down off my high. I shouldn't really complain. I should be happy with what I can get -- but I was really, really hoping to keep the sadness and misery at bay for just a few days longer.
However, a conversation I had last night brought me suddenly back to the stark reality of the current messed up state of my life and this morning I found myself, once again, perched on the edge of a deep, dark chasm trying desperately not to fall in. I can feel the downward spiral starting and I do NOT want to go there. I've been fighting it all day long, so far with a fair amount of success. I'm just not sure how long I'll be able to balance on the edge before I fall. With any luck it will be long enough to catch a good breeze that will float me back up to the happy, productive place I spent the last few days.
Tuesday 25 January 2011
Sunday 23 January 2011
Productivity
I hate to jinx myself by continuing to talk about it, but I've just had yet another lovely day full of positive and productive energy. I think I've gotten more done in the past two evenings that I have in the past month. Well, possibly not, but it sure feels that way. It really does make life more enjoyable. And since I'm very afraid it won't last, I'm taking advantage of every minute of it.
Saturday 22 January 2011
Shiny Happy People
On Thursday night I went to see my friendly neighbourhood crystal therapist, Carol. She's the wonderful girl I took some crystalogy classes with in the Spring (the classes which led me to Reiki, which in turn led me to Massage Therapy). I hadn't seen her in about 6 months and although I'd been wanting to go visit, I never made it enough of a priority. Luckily, she started a new set of classes so I had incentive to go see her.
As it turned out, I was the only one who turned up for our lesson on Thursday, which meant I had Carol all to myself. We had a lesson on amethyst (by far my favourite stone) and then did a couple of meditations with the stones. Simply being surrounded by that much amethyst was enough to make me feel better, even curing the headache I'd had all day. Adding a meditation or two to the stones was the perfect remedy for everything else. By the end of the evening I felt balanced and realigned and refreshed.
Today, I've just been bursting with energy and goodness. I've had a great day and a rosy outlook and I've been productive at school and at home to boot. It is such a strange feeling to have so much energy. I'm used to having a long list of Things to Do and just never getting around to any of them because I have so much difficulty stirring myself into motion. I am loving the change and loving the life and positivity I've had all day. I can't imagine what a different life I could lead. (I also can't imagine that, I assume, most people feel like this almost all the time. Incredible!) I SO wish there was some way I could feel like this all the time.
I'm going to try to have regular "treatments" for the next while and with any luck, that will be just what the doctor ordered.
As it turned out, I was the only one who turned up for our lesson on Thursday, which meant I had Carol all to myself. We had a lesson on amethyst (by far my favourite stone) and then did a couple of meditations with the stones. Simply being surrounded by that much amethyst was enough to make me feel better, even curing the headache I'd had all day. Adding a meditation or two to the stones was the perfect remedy for everything else. By the end of the evening I felt balanced and realigned and refreshed.
Today, I've just been bursting with energy and goodness. I've had a great day and a rosy outlook and I've been productive at school and at home to boot. It is such a strange feeling to have so much energy. I'm used to having a long list of Things to Do and just never getting around to any of them because I have so much difficulty stirring myself into motion. I am loving the change and loving the life and positivity I've had all day. I can't imagine what a different life I could lead. (I also can't imagine that, I assume, most people feel like this almost all the time. Incredible!) I SO wish there was some way I could feel like this all the time.
I'm going to try to have regular "treatments" for the next while and with any luck, that will be just what the doctor ordered.
Wednesday 19 January 2011
Self-Improvement Junkie
It looks like this will be the Year of Me. I have started the new year, not with resolutions, but with actions. I didn't just make plans and empty promises to myself, I just went ahead and started working on a few things that will make me a better, happier, healthier, more satisfied Me.
Over Christmas break, I stopped drinking pop. It's really amazing how that one little change has completely influenced my diet. It has made it so much easier to cut out all the unhealthy foods and makes the healthy foods taste that much better. I am also trying to cut out artificial sweetener and high fructose corn syrup, which is not an easy task, but I am determined to try. The overhaul was instigated by a few Nutrition and Food Science classes I had at school, which have completely inspired me to eat better. It's going to involve making new eating habits, taking time to shop and learning how to cook all sorts of new foods, but I'm willing to give it a go. It's not going to happen overnight, but I'm happy to take it slow & steady.
Then, two weeks ago I joined the gym. I have been going to the gym off and on for years. I was not genetically blessed with a lithe body or a high-speed metabolism so I've always had to be pretty vigilant about keeping in shape (and eating properly). Exercise has been a part of my life for around the past 20 years so when it stops being there, I miss it -- and so does my body. I am one of those odd people who actually enjoys working out and, naturally, enjoys the benefits of it. Perhaps it's because, due to my tendency to depression, I notice that seratonin boost a little more than other people. In any case, I hadn't been working out regularly in over a year an a half and I missed it -- and I was really not impressed with the out-of-shape and overweight version of my body that greeted me every day in the mirror. So I joined the gym (again) and even got myself a couple of appointments with a personal trainer, who completely kicked my butt but in the best possible way. I'm still undecided if I should continue with the trainer (so much money!) but I'm thinking I might, just for a couple of months to really get me going and to teach me a few new tricks.
Also about two weeks ago, I bought myself a guitar. I went to this fabulous local guitar store, really just to look and inquire about lessons for my daughter but ended up walking out with a beautiful (2nd hand) guitar. Music is not new for me but it's been a long while since I've played an instrument. I took piano lessons from age 8-13, took a handful of guitar lessons when I was about 9, played a smattering of instruments in elementary school (mostly flute and trumpet) and then played the baritone in my highschool band (and trumpet in stage band). I do miss playing and will sit down at the piano whenever I'm at my parents' house. I've been trying to reconcile getting a piano for myself but given how often we move, it just doesn't make sense. Guitars, however, are much more portable. I also had the added inspiration of my 9-year-old daughter, who recently inherited my old childhood guitar. She's been bugging for lessons, and while I was inquiring about them, I decided that it wasn't too late for me either. So, starting this weekend, we will be learning to play guitar together.
January is off to a good start. I can't wait to see what February has in store!
Over Christmas break, I stopped drinking pop. It's really amazing how that one little change has completely influenced my diet. It has made it so much easier to cut out all the unhealthy foods and makes the healthy foods taste that much better. I am also trying to cut out artificial sweetener and high fructose corn syrup, which is not an easy task, but I am determined to try. The overhaul was instigated by a few Nutrition and Food Science classes I had at school, which have completely inspired me to eat better. It's going to involve making new eating habits, taking time to shop and learning how to cook all sorts of new foods, but I'm willing to give it a go. It's not going to happen overnight, but I'm happy to take it slow & steady.
Then, two weeks ago I joined the gym. I have been going to the gym off and on for years. I was not genetically blessed with a lithe body or a high-speed metabolism so I've always had to be pretty vigilant about keeping in shape (and eating properly). Exercise has been a part of my life for around the past 20 years so when it stops being there, I miss it -- and so does my body. I am one of those odd people who actually enjoys working out and, naturally, enjoys the benefits of it. Perhaps it's because, due to my tendency to depression, I notice that seratonin boost a little more than other people. In any case, I hadn't been working out regularly in over a year an a half and I missed it -- and I was really not impressed with the out-of-shape and overweight version of my body that greeted me every day in the mirror. So I joined the gym (again) and even got myself a couple of appointments with a personal trainer, who completely kicked my butt but in the best possible way. I'm still undecided if I should continue with the trainer (so much money!) but I'm thinking I might, just for a couple of months to really get me going and to teach me a few new tricks.
Also about two weeks ago, I bought myself a guitar. I went to this fabulous local guitar store, really just to look and inquire about lessons for my daughter but ended up walking out with a beautiful (2nd hand) guitar. Music is not new for me but it's been a long while since I've played an instrument. I took piano lessons from age 8-13, took a handful of guitar lessons when I was about 9, played a smattering of instruments in elementary school (mostly flute and trumpet) and then played the baritone in my highschool band (and trumpet in stage band). I do miss playing and will sit down at the piano whenever I'm at my parents' house. I've been trying to reconcile getting a piano for myself but given how often we move, it just doesn't make sense. Guitars, however, are much more portable. I also had the added inspiration of my 9-year-old daughter, who recently inherited my old childhood guitar. She's been bugging for lessons, and while I was inquiring about them, I decided that it wasn't too late for me either. So, starting this weekend, we will be learning to play guitar together.
January is off to a good start. I can't wait to see what February has in store!
Monday 17 January 2011
Full Circle
I saw this status update on Facebook the other day: "I am not going to be the person I am expected to be anymore. I am going to be the person I am meant to be." It was generated by Status Shuffle so it's not that the person I stole it from was being creative or reflective in any way. Nonetheless, I can't stop thinking about it.
Last weekend, as you know, I took a Reiki class, which I loved and which reinforced (yet again) that the path I've chosen is the right one. The Reiki class and the Spirit Encounter also got me thinking about the old Me. In highschool I was good friends with a girl whose mother was into what was then called "New Age" stuff. This friend taught me a lot about crystals, auras, spirits, etc. Not so much about energy work, but maybe that would have come, too. We used to go downtown and hang out in the "Occult Book Shop". It was awesome. Sadly, my friendship with this girl came to a fairly disasterous end and so did my connection to the only people I knew who knew anything about any of this stuff. Soon, university and Life followed and I followed one adventure after another.
This week I've been thinking that it almost feels as if I've come full circle -- that I'm picking up where I left off 22 years ago. I'm trying to be positive and not think that I've wasted the last 22 years. (Imagine where I'd be and what I'd know had I not had such a long hiatus!) But I remind myself of all the other life experiences I've had and how much I have learned from them. I am just so glad I've been able to land in the right place; that despite trying to do what was expected of me, or what I thought was expected of me (go to school, get a "good" job), I have still managed to end up doing what I was meant to do.
I guess that hiatus was there to teach me the difference. And now that I know, I, too, can say that "I am not going to be the person I am expected to be anymore. I am going to be the person I am meant to be."
Last weekend, as you know, I took a Reiki class, which I loved and which reinforced (yet again) that the path I've chosen is the right one. The Reiki class and the Spirit Encounter also got me thinking about the old Me. In highschool I was good friends with a girl whose mother was into what was then called "New Age" stuff. This friend taught me a lot about crystals, auras, spirits, etc. Not so much about energy work, but maybe that would have come, too. We used to go downtown and hang out in the "Occult Book Shop". It was awesome. Sadly, my friendship with this girl came to a fairly disasterous end and so did my connection to the only people I knew who knew anything about any of this stuff. Soon, university and Life followed and I followed one adventure after another.
This week I've been thinking that it almost feels as if I've come full circle -- that I'm picking up where I left off 22 years ago. I'm trying to be positive and not think that I've wasted the last 22 years. (Imagine where I'd be and what I'd know had I not had such a long hiatus!) But I remind myself of all the other life experiences I've had and how much I have learned from them. I am just so glad I've been able to land in the right place; that despite trying to do what was expected of me, or what I thought was expected of me (go to school, get a "good" job), I have still managed to end up doing what I was meant to do.
I guess that hiatus was there to teach me the difference. And now that I know, I, too, can say that "I am not going to be the person I am expected to be anymore. I am going to be the person I am meant to be."
Wednesday 12 January 2011
On Jealousy and Envy
I am not a jealous person. This often invites stares and comments of incredulity. I've been giving this a lot of thought lately, as certain circumstances have arisen that- one would think - should send me into a fit of jealousy. And yet, that doesn't seem to be happening.
Jealousy, as I understand it, is an emotion brought on by the fear of losing something (partner, relationship) to a rival. Thus, in order to be jealous, one must think they are going to lose something. In all my years in relationships, I have never had this fear. Mostly, I was content enough and secure enough in my relationship to know that if my guy talked to or flirted with another girl, that our relationship was still intact and would carry on unscathed. No fear. The same is true for the flipside: that if I realized that the flirting was in some way going too far, our relationship was already damaged enough that I wasn't all too worried if it ended or not. Again, no fear. And without fear, there is no jealousy.
Jealousy, however, is not to be confused with envy (as it so often is) even when the two emotions overlap or occur simultaneously. Reading up on the subject on Wikipedia, I learned that philosopher John Rawls distinguishes between jealousy and envy on the ground that jealousy involves the wish to keep what one has, and envy the wish to get what one does not have. Or, as psychologists Laura Guerrero and Peter Andersen have proposed, the jealous person "perceives that he or she possesses a valued relationship, but is in danger of losing it or at least of having it altered in an undesirable manner," whereas the envious person "does not possess a valued commodity, but wishes to possess it." In relationships (mine, at least), the commodity is usually affection.
So, while I may be more or less immune to jealousy - at least thus far in my life - I have been touched many times by envy. There is nothing worse - especially if you're single - to see the guy you like making out with another girl at the school dance. Envy is not a feeling I enjoy and I usually try to rationalize my way out of it as it usually finds me in situations in which I really have no right to experience it (Why shouldn't Bob make out with Mary? She's his girlfriend, I'm not.) which generally makes it easier to deal with.
Neither jealousy nor envy are pleasant emotions. But as long as we understand that they are different emotions, they can be dealt with and understood better -- which will, hopefully, in turn, help people to understand me better.
Jealousy, as I understand it, is an emotion brought on by the fear of losing something (partner, relationship) to a rival. Thus, in order to be jealous, one must think they are going to lose something. In all my years in relationships, I have never had this fear. Mostly, I was content enough and secure enough in my relationship to know that if my guy talked to or flirted with another girl, that our relationship was still intact and would carry on unscathed. No fear. The same is true for the flipside: that if I realized that the flirting was in some way going too far, our relationship was already damaged enough that I wasn't all too worried if it ended or not. Again, no fear. And without fear, there is no jealousy.
Jealousy, however, is not to be confused with envy (as it so often is) even when the two emotions overlap or occur simultaneously. Reading up on the subject on Wikipedia, I learned that philosopher John Rawls distinguishes between jealousy and envy on the ground that jealousy involves the wish to keep what one has, and envy the wish to get what one does not have. Or, as psychologists Laura Guerrero and Peter Andersen have proposed, the jealous person "perceives that he or she possesses a valued relationship, but is in danger of losing it or at least of having it altered in an undesirable manner," whereas the envious person "does not possess a valued commodity, but wishes to possess it." In relationships (mine, at least), the commodity is usually affection.
So, while I may be more or less immune to jealousy - at least thus far in my life - I have been touched many times by envy. There is nothing worse - especially if you're single - to see the guy you like making out with another girl at the school dance. Envy is not a feeling I enjoy and I usually try to rationalize my way out of it as it usually finds me in situations in which I really have no right to experience it (Why shouldn't Bob make out with Mary? She's his girlfriend, I'm not.) which generally makes it easier to deal with.
Neither jealousy nor envy are pleasant emotions. But as long as we understand that they are different emotions, they can be dealt with and understood better -- which will, hopefully, in turn, help people to understand me better.
Sunday 9 January 2011
The Possibilities are Endless
I love energy work. I love giving it and I love receiving it. Whenever I perform energy work on someone, I am completely at peace and just *know* that this is what I was meant to do. It's the most amazing feeling ever.
This weekend I took a Reiki I class (through my school). I have been looking forward to learning Reiki since last spring. In fact, it was my interest in learning Reiki that led me to the school I am currently attending, where I am learning massage therapy -- and a plethora of other forms of healing arts, Reiki among them. So, having been looking forward to this class for quite a long time and having known other students and a few practitioners, I thought I knew what to expect. Lesson #1: you never know what might happen when you're doing energy work. Just as I never expected to a) have a problem with my pancreas and b) suddenly start crying when it was being worked on in Polarity class, I certainly never would have expected anything like what happened today to occur.
The Reiki classes, as well as a few other classes at school like those on crystals, auras & chakras are taught by a very talented and well-known light and energy worker in our area. She is also a psychic (and very proud of being listed as one of the Top 100 Psychics in America) so I was very glad that I had today's experience in her presence.
Both yesterday morning and this morning, all the students were given an "attunement" by the instructor or one of her apprentices. It was a quick Reiki session that let us experience Reiki and prepared us for practicing Reiki on ourselves and others. Both the attunements I had were very pleasant and relaxing, however it was what happened after today's attunement that completely threw me.
To make a potentially long story short (and not scare any of my readers any more than necessary) I was temporarily posessed by a spirit -- a very sad spirit. It all happened in a space of about 10 minutes while we were in meditation waiting for everyone's attunements to be completed. Not having any other choice, I worked through it on my own, relying basically on my instincts. This is really not a situation that anyone prepares you for so I did what I knew how to do (breathe white light and talk to the spirit) and it worked: the sad spirit was comforted and left full of gratitude.
Later, as I shared my (very emotional) experience with the class, my instructor told me who it was who had visited me (not precisely but gave me enough information that I knew exactly who it was) and reassured me that I had handled the situation in the right way. Then - and this is what surprised me more than having been visited by a spirit - she proceeded to tell me that she sees a future for me in "spiritual release" (which, she added, is a very lucrative field of work).
So, in the course of a day, I fulfilled a goal by completing one step toward part of my future career plan to become a Reiki master and practitioner and I discovered another completely new talent and yet another possible career option. This path I am on may be bumpy, but it is never boring.
This weekend I took a Reiki I class (through my school). I have been looking forward to learning Reiki since last spring. In fact, it was my interest in learning Reiki that led me to the school I am currently attending, where I am learning massage therapy -- and a plethora of other forms of healing arts, Reiki among them. So, having been looking forward to this class for quite a long time and having known other students and a few practitioners, I thought I knew what to expect. Lesson #1: you never know what might happen when you're doing energy work. Just as I never expected to a) have a problem with my pancreas and b) suddenly start crying when it was being worked on in Polarity class, I certainly never would have expected anything like what happened today to occur.
The Reiki classes, as well as a few other classes at school like those on crystals, auras & chakras are taught by a very talented and well-known light and energy worker in our area. She is also a psychic (and very proud of being listed as one of the Top 100 Psychics in America) so I was very glad that I had today's experience in her presence.
Both yesterday morning and this morning, all the students were given an "attunement" by the instructor or one of her apprentices. It was a quick Reiki session that let us experience Reiki and prepared us for practicing Reiki on ourselves and others. Both the attunements I had were very pleasant and relaxing, however it was what happened after today's attunement that completely threw me.
To make a potentially long story short (and not scare any of my readers any more than necessary) I was temporarily posessed by a spirit -- a very sad spirit. It all happened in a space of about 10 minutes while we were in meditation waiting for everyone's attunements to be completed. Not having any other choice, I worked through it on my own, relying basically on my instincts. This is really not a situation that anyone prepares you for so I did what I knew how to do (breathe white light and talk to the spirit) and it worked: the sad spirit was comforted and left full of gratitude.
Later, as I shared my (very emotional) experience with the class, my instructor told me who it was who had visited me (not precisely but gave me enough information that I knew exactly who it was) and reassured me that I had handled the situation in the right way. Then - and this is what surprised me more than having been visited by a spirit - she proceeded to tell me that she sees a future for me in "spiritual release" (which, she added, is a very lucrative field of work).
So, in the course of a day, I fulfilled a goal by completing one step toward part of my future career plan to become a Reiki master and practitioner and I discovered another completely new talent and yet another possible career option. This path I am on may be bumpy, but it is never boring.
Confidence
Lately I've been giving a lot of thought to the subject of confidence and why it is that I don't seem to have much of it. I like to think that my younger self, say from the ages of 16 to about 22, was fairly confident. That, at least, is what I was told on more than one occasion by several different people. And, more importantly, it's how I felt. Over the years I have lost a large part of whatever confidence I had and it has become clear to me that I need to regain it.
Thinking back to the Confidence Era, there are a couple of things that I think are significant. Firstly, those were my student years (highschool and university). Secondly, I was single for a few of those years. And although I lived at home, I was fairly independent and led a fairly autonomous life. It's interesting that my most independent years where those when I still lived with my parents. After that, I became an au-pair and lived with another family and then lived with my husband. I have never lived on my own (and I have never held a full-time job). I wonder if perhaps that has led to this loss of confidence. Maybe if I had had the chance to be independent and rely on myself a bit more, I would have developed a fuller sense of who I was before I began sharing myself with a husband and children.
I am back in school now and I have noticed a slight boost in my confidence, which I suspect will continue to grow as I work my way through school and continue to learn and grow. Otherwise, I really have no idea how I am going to build up my confidence, which I see as a reflection of my sense of self. I suppose if I try to take better care of myself, physically and emotionally, I should see some kind of benefit. It will be slow going and the growth increments may be subtle, but I hope to get there some day.
Thinking back to the Confidence Era, there are a couple of things that I think are significant. Firstly, those were my student years (highschool and university). Secondly, I was single for a few of those years. And although I lived at home, I was fairly independent and led a fairly autonomous life. It's interesting that my most independent years where those when I still lived with my parents. After that, I became an au-pair and lived with another family and then lived with my husband. I have never lived on my own (and I have never held a full-time job). I wonder if perhaps that has led to this loss of confidence. Maybe if I had had the chance to be independent and rely on myself a bit more, I would have developed a fuller sense of who I was before I began sharing myself with a husband and children.
I am back in school now and I have noticed a slight boost in my confidence, which I suspect will continue to grow as I work my way through school and continue to learn and grow. Otherwise, I really have no idea how I am going to build up my confidence, which I see as a reflection of my sense of self. I suppose if I try to take better care of myself, physically and emotionally, I should see some kind of benefit. It will be slow going and the growth increments may be subtle, but I hope to get there some day.
Saturday 1 January 2011
Happy New Year!
Out with the old and in with the new, they say. 2010 was a tumultuous year for me and I am glad to see it go. I am also hesitant to usher in 2011. This year will bring with it many changes - of that I am certain, although I am not certain what kind of changes they will be. I hope most of them will be positive in the end, even if they may not be easy.
My resolutions are simple: to take care of myself both emotionally and physically, so that I can embrace the year ahead and all the changes and complexities it may bring.
My wishes for the new year are also simple: that I might improve myself and continue to evolve into a stronger, more confident version of Me; that I may continue to have friends, family and perhaps even a caring stranger or two accompany me on my journey.
My hopes for you, dear friends, is that the coming year will provide you with love and light, health and happiness, and anything else you may require and desire.
My resolutions are simple: to take care of myself both emotionally and physically, so that I can embrace the year ahead and all the changes and complexities it may bring.
My wishes for the new year are also simple: that I might improve myself and continue to evolve into a stronger, more confident version of Me; that I may continue to have friends, family and perhaps even a caring stranger or two accompany me on my journey.
My hopes for you, dear friends, is that the coming year will provide you with love and light, health and happiness, and anything else you may require and desire.
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