It's been a very busy couple of weeks. Busy and driving all over Creation -- yet I feel like I am back to being completely stuck again. Maybe it has something to do with the changing seasons and the fact that I've been in my new place for 3 months now and I feel like I've made no progress at all: I still don't have a job. I still don't have a practice/business set up. I am still completely dependent. Yes, I've been trying and yes, I've taken a few steps toward getting where I need to be but I'm not getting anywhere and it's just so frustrating!
I also frustrate myself because I can't seem to ever think of the things I should be doing until late at night. I am such a night owl that my brain really doesn't seem to function at all during the day. It's probably also years of bad habits: I'm so used to doing nothing that it's hard to stop doing that and find things to do (even when there are plenty of things to do). I get so mad at myself for wasting so much time, yet I can't seem to change my ways. I know it takes time but I'm just so impatient.
Which is why I feel so stuck -- because I'm impatient. I want a better, happier, more fulfilling life and I want it NOW, damn it!
I wonder if some of my impatience is also partly based on fear that maybe I don't have time to wait. What if something happens between now and then? I know big changes should happen slowly but what if it takes so long that I never get there? (These would be the thoughts caused by being confronted with Stupid Cancer all the time.)
I think one of my problems is that when I get frustrated on my journey, I tend to stop instead of working harder/pushing onwards. I do end up continuing on eventually but it takes me a while to regroup. And maybe that's ok. Maybe it's just my lack of self-esteem that makes me think that's the wrong approach. Maybe I've just been told too many times that I'm doing it wrong. Maybe I'm too used to having too many expectations and too much pressure put upon me to achieve things that I feel inadequate when I take it slowly. But maybe it really is ok to just do things my way -- as long as I get there in the end.
