Adjustments

It's been three weeks since my last class at school and I've concluded that I have way too much time on my hands.  I went from being overly stressed and very busy to having way too much time on my hands.  The first week after school ended was great: my kids went back to school and I spent the week in much-needed nothingness.  Last week we had gotten pretty good with the whole back-to-school thing so there was less to occupy my mind.  By this week, I'm starting to lose it. 

I have had the unpleasant reminder that too much unstructured time is really not good for me.  I spend far too long ruminating and dwelling on things and end up spending my day wallowing in self-pity.  Luckily, as soon as the kids come home, all is right in my world -- we chat, we laugh, we have things to do.  Granted, there are things I should be doing while they're gone, too -- like cleaning the basement -- but somehow I always seem to lack the motivation to do that.

Yesterday was pretty miserable and unproductive and a very unhealthy day (I worked out but had popcorn, chips, ice cream & peanut butter M&M's -- classic emotional eating binge).  The result is that I've decided I really need to build more structure into my days.  I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do that, but I'm going to work on it.  I need to get busy or I'm going to go crazy...

Body Image

When I went for my energy work session last week, it came up... again.  Every time I have energy work done, or I'm at an energy work class, this topic seems to crop up.  My teacher usually says something like: "I don't know why you think you're fat, because you're the farthest thing from it".  Usually I don't pay much attention to her, but for some reason, I can't seem to stop thinking about it this week.

I wouldn't consider myself the "farthest thing" from fat.  According to the charts, I'm on the high side of normal.  I also know the charts are not entirely accurate, especially for people with a lot of muscle mass.  So, I'm not fat but I'm also pretty far from skinny -- or so I think.  I'm "healthy" and fairly muscular and fit and I'm ok with that.

That said, I know there is a bit of truth to what she says, and I'm pretty sure it dates back to childhood.  I was a round kid with chubby cheeks (that adults loved to pinch & kiss -- gross!) and compared to my super skinny sister, I felt even rounder and chubbier.  So, in my head - to this day - I'm the chubby one and she's the skinny one.  Never mind that 30 years later the reality is quite different and I'd guess she weighs a good 50 lbs more than I do.

Not that this is very scientific but look what happened: the chubby kid had to learn to eat well and exercise in order to gain/maintain a decent shape and now that we are either side of 40, I'm in better shape than most people I know and look fairly decent.  My sister, on the other hand, never had to pay attention to what she ate and never had to exercise and as the poor lifestyle choices became more ingrained, I watched her shape change from hourglass to apple.  So, if a bit of a body image issue keeps me eating well and working out, I think it's ok.

My immediate family is also plagued by every major disease/health concern out there: cancer, heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, etc, etc.  As a result, I'm likely a little more concerned than most people about my health and well-being.  I'd like to live a long, productive, healthy life -- and since most of those health concerns can be attributed to lifestyle choices, I like to think that I'm doing my best (most of the time) to overcome them.

So, while I would like to lose 10 lbs and while there are some parts of my body that I don't really love, I think I'm ok.  I know I'm in better shape than most people my age and five minutes of people watching at the mall will reassure me that I am, indeed, not fat.  I also know that yes, I probably do have a bit of a body image issue but I'm good with that, as long as it keeps me healthy.

Improvements

I've been pretty down for the last week.  I've been hiding out in my deep dark cave but I think it's time to come up for air, have a look around and see what needs to be done.  Or rather, see what I can do.

This change of attitude has surprised me a bit but is likely the result of an energy work session I had today, which left me feeling a bit happier and a lot more centred.  A few words of encouragement and a bit of advice didn't go astray either.

So, I'm trying to look at things from the other side.  You see, when I am down, I can get pretty negative and it becomes so very difficult to stop focusing on the negatives and find the positives.  I'm still not sure I can do that but I've decided I need to at least start doing something that might effect some positive changes -- or even just any change at all.  I know that so many things are out of my control at the moment, but I need to focus on what I can control and do what I can about those things.  It might not be much, and it might not do much in the end, but at least I'll know I tried to do something.

This past week I started making a list.  I've managed to get through a lot on the list, although I think I add more to it faster than I can cross things off.  I have been able to do more than I often did in times where I was in a much better emotional state. I figure it must be working for me so I'll try to keep it up.  At the very least, it makes me feel somewhat busy and productive in these days between the end of school and the start of whatever comes next and, right now, that's about as good as it gets.

Roadblocks

Yesterday was, to say the very least, a bad day that got worse.  By nightfall, I was in a place that was darker and bleaker than anywhere I had ever been...

Today I woke up all puffy-eyed and miserable but decided to go to class, despite my inclination to stay in bed and be miserable.  Fortunately, part of my brain was still working and I reasoned that since these classes are designed to teach me to use energy to heal people and since I was a person in desperate need of some healing, I should go.  Also, it was crystal class and crystals always seem to work their magic on me better than anything else.  So I dragged my sorry self to class and after 5 hours, some good food (homemade eggplant parmigiana "lasagna") and 2 crystal sessions, I was feeling much, much better.  I even managed a smile or two and a bit of conversation before the afternoon was over.

I'm not sure there was any one thing in particular that pushed me off the edge last night, rather that it was one more thing placed atop the mountain of frustrations that have been accruing in nearly every aspect of my life.  It seems that no matter which way I turn or which path I try to follow, the road is blocked.  Most of the blockages these days are related to immigration but in the end, it doesn't matter what is stopping me only that I can't go on.  And that is precisely the crux of the matter: I can't go on.  I can't continue upon any path I've chosen, nor can I stay where I am.  I simply can't go on like this, certainly not if I want to keep my sanity.

I am trying to be patient and I am trying to be strong and I am trying to get around and/or move the roadblocks.  But it's a daunting task, and it's tiring and sometimes my strength fails me.  It's scary when that happens but in the end there's nothing I can do but pick myself up and keep going so that someday (soon, I hope) I'll have have at least one clear path ahead of me.

Out of Sync

I am completely messed up.  This weekend I completed my last requirements for school by working two 5-hour shifts, giving free 10-minute massages at a local festival.  I had the pleasure of working with a friend the whole time, which made the days more fun but they were long, physically demanding days.  When I finished my last shift on Sunday, I was exhausted but ready to celebrate.  I found a beer tent, had a beer and followed that one up with a few more.  By Sunday night, it had finally sunk in that I was completely, officially done with school.  Two weeks ago, I still had so much ahead of me and now, suddenly, it's all over.

And, now that I have that all behind me, I'm ready to kick back, relax and have some fun.  In short, I'm ready for summer.  The problem is that summer is over.  I sort of realized over the past couple of months that I was missing out and that my kids were having a less-than-stimulating vacation but now it's cold outside and today my kids went back to school.  I feel like I've completely missed out on summer this year.

As a result, I'm feeling a little out of sorts.  I'm sure I'll figure it out soon enough but it may take a while for me to adjust to the weather, the calendar and new beginnings all around.

Getting to Know You

In case some of you are not fans of broadway musicals and missed the title reference, it's a song from "The King and I" and it goes like this:

"Getting to know you,
Getting to know all about you.
Getting to like you,
Getting to hope you like me.

Getting to know you,
Getting to feel free and easy
When I am with you,
Getting to know what to say."

This pretty much sums up an article I happened upon today, which happened to address one of my bigger issues that has been giving me cause to think lately.  Namely, my inadequacy at making -- and keeping -- friends.  Oh, sure, I know plenty of people but for the most part they remain mere acquaintances and are kept safely at arms length.  For the most part, this is because I can't be bothered -- there are really very few people I meet whom I really want to befriend.  But every now and then I meet someone I find truly interesting and I realize that I just plain don't know how to be friends with people.  The few friends I do have, have been around a long time and, recently, I seem to have made a few friends accidentally, despite my inadequacies.

I have been told -- on more than one occasion -- that I do not open up to people, which makes people think I'm either not interested in their friendship or that the friendship is very one-sided.  If we've been friends long enough for people to notice this, then probably I want to be friends with them -- I just don't know how.  I have no idea why I am so guarded but for my own sake, I need to learn how to share myself with others.

I need to do this, not just, as the article says, because I want to live joyfully but because I am, and always have been, lonely.  As a result of many various influences, I don't have many people currently in my life whom I consider close friends.  Lately, however, there are a few new faces whom I think have the potential to become good friends -- if I don't mess it up.  So, I'm going to keep singing like Julie Andrews and hope that you'll notice that:

"Suddenly I'm bright and breezy
Because of all the beautiful and new
Things I'm learning about you
Day by day."

And even more, I hope that they will be able to say the same about me.