Interruptions

I spent a few days with my family over Christmas this year: 2 with my parents and 2 with my sister and her family.  The last day with my parents was very stressful.  It was Christmas day and we were all there for dinner and, as I've reported before, my mother freaks out and oozes stress and anxiety, which then causes my father to become annoyed and by dessert the whole affair is less than festive.  I am getting used to this new family dynamic even though it's not an ideal way to spend time together.  However, it was what happened later that evening that really sent me spinning and made the pathology of so many of my behaviours so much clearer.

My mother & I crossed paths on the stairs and some sort of conversation ensued.  To be honest, I have no idea now what I was saying.  It probably wasn't important but the fact was that I was talking and relating something to my mother.  In the middle of whatever it was I was saying, she interrupted to tell me that she had a weird twinge in her nose.  She then went on to say that she had no idea where she might have picked up a bug, could be anywhere, blah, blah, blah.  I literally stared at her with my mouth open.  Firstly, because she interrupted me.  Secondly, because her remarks were a complete non-sequitur to the conversation.  She asked me why I was looking at her that way & all I could say was that it didn't make sense.  This was the second time that night she'd been accused of non-linear conversation so she got upset and our conversation ended abruptly.  At that point, I cared very little that this might reflect her memory issues and the inability to follow conversation.  All I cared about was that she had completely interrupted me - without even noticing.  What's more is that I realized that she has been doing this my entire life.

Is it any wonder, then, that I have always felt like what I have to say isn't important and that nobody really wants to listen to me?  Is it any wonder that I have such a hard time talking to people?  I now realize it should come as no surprise at all, given that my own mother habitually disregarded me and what I was saying.

To make matters worse, I married a man who does the same thing.  Not just to me, but to the children as well.  I am strong enough to point out when he interrupts the children with a completely irrelevant thought but I rarely speak up for myself, possibly because I am just so used to being interrupted and/or ignored.

I'm not sure if anything will change now that I'm aware of this.  Maybe I'll be more conscious when it happens and be strong enough to continue on with what I have to say.  Even if I don't, I at least feel like I've won half the battle by recognizing why I feel the way that I do.  At the very least I hope to be able to forge relationships with people who care about what I have to say.  

The worst part...

...is that I am all alone in the darkness.

Darkness

It's been quite a while since I felt this way: sad, hopeless, lost.  I've been wondering most of the night what the point is to this meaningless & futile existence I lead.  I try so hard.  I'm a relatively good person.  I don't want much.  I don't understand why everything is so damn hard.  My life is completely fucked up and I am trapped in it.  I keep trying to get out but nothing works.  The changes are too small and too far apart to leave any sustainable feeling of improvement. 

As long as I live in my bubble and go about my daily activities, I can pretend that everything is ok.  But it just takes one little thing to remind me that I'm in that protective bubble and why.

Maybe one day I'll get out but at this rate I don't know what will be left of me when I do.

I'm Moving but I'm Not Going Anywhere

It's been a very busy couple of weeks.  Busy and driving all over Creation -- yet I feel like I am back to being completely stuck again.  Maybe it has something to do with the changing seasons and the fact that I've been in my new place for 3 months now and I feel like I've made no progress at all: I still don't have a job.  I still don't have a practice/business set up.  I am still completely dependent.  Yes, I've been trying and yes, I've taken a few steps toward getting where I need to be but I'm not getting anywhere and it's just so frustrating!

I also frustrate myself because I can't seem to ever think of the things I should be doing until late at night.  I am such a night owl that my brain really doesn't seem to function at all during the day.  It's probably also years of bad habits: I'm so used to doing nothing that it's hard to stop doing that and find things to do (even when there are plenty of things to do).  I get so mad at myself for wasting so much time, yet I can't seem to change my ways.  I know it takes time but I'm just so impatient.

Which is why I feel so stuck -- because I'm impatient.  I want a better, happier, more fulfilling life and I want it NOW, damn it!

I wonder if some of my impatience is also partly based on fear that maybe I don't have time to wait.  What if something happens between now and then?  I know big changes should happen slowly but what if it takes so long that I never get there?  (These would be the thoughts caused by being confronted with Stupid Cancer all the time.)

I think one of my problems is that when I get frustrated on my journey, I tend to stop instead of working harder/pushing onwards.  I do end up continuing on eventually but it takes me a while to regroup.  And maybe that's ok.  Maybe it's just my lack of self-esteem that makes me think that's the wrong approach. Maybe I've just been told too many times that I'm doing it wrong.  Maybe I'm too used to having too many expectations and too much pressure put upon me to achieve things that I feel inadequate when I take it slowly.  But maybe it really is ok to just do things my way -- as long as I get there in the end.

Stupid Cancer, Part 10

My cousin passed away on Saturday after a long battle with cancer.  She was 54 and left behind her son, his wife and their two beautiful daughters (aged 3 & 6 or so); her boyfriend; her parents; her brother, his wife and their two daughters; countless friends and relatives.  Her father (my uncle) recently turned 86 and pointed out that it's not right that he's still here and she's not.

I'm still waiting to hear about funeral arrangements, which are being made jointly by her boyfriend & her family, which I think is awesome.  The boyfriend has been around for years and I wouldn't expect anything other from my family than that he would be included but I do know that's not always the case in situations like this.  Hell, even when my father-in-law died, his brothers and sisters were upset that his wife of 30-odd years made the arrangements and not them.  You just never know.

I'm getting together with another cousin tonight, who lives close by.  His parents are in town visiting so they invited us over for dinner and a visit.  It will be great to see them -- it's been years since I've seen my aunt & uncle, who are in their 80's and not well.  With any luck, they'll have some information about the funeral.

These relatives are on my mother's side of the family.  As I've likely mentioned before, my mother is not good at communicating.  This is why I still don't even know what kind of cancer my cousin had, other than it was either stomach or pancreas (or something like that).  Because even though my mother talks to her sister, she won't ask questions.  She would ask how my cousin is and get the answer, "about the same" but even though my mother had no idea what that meant, she wouldn't ask.  It's so frustrating.  Yes, I probably could have taken it upon myself to find out and ask my own questions but unfortunately my family doesn't work that way: direct communication is frowned upon.  It's no wonder I am so bad at it.

I honestly can't say I am overly sad about losing my cousin.  We were never close: she was 14 years older than me and always lived far away.  However, she was always very sweet to me and always made a point of talking to me at family gatherings.  Mostly I am sad for her immediate family, especially her son.  They will miss her tremendously.  I am also angry that this stupid disease has taken someone else before they should have gone.  My cousin was young and good and a nurse -- the kind of person who should have been around a lot longer than she was.  I am also afraid that this stupid disease will get the better of my father and/or my sister at some point and I will have to watch their slow, painful wasting away and inevitable death.  We've been pretty lucky that everything has been going so well for this long but I know the tide can turn at any time and I'm afraid of what will happen when it does.

Stupid Cancer, Part 9

Everything is going relatively well in the cancer world.  We seem to have reached a little bit of a plateau where things seem to be going smoothly.

My sister is done with her radiation treatments.  She had no side effects, other than those caused the inconvenience of having to drive an hour into the city every day.  She has a CT scan scheduled to follow up and see what the results of the treatment are but not for another 6 weeks.  In the meantime we wait.

My dad opted against radiation treatment.  It turns out it wouldn't offer too many benefits and the risks were too high.  He's still continuing with his chemo and they'll add a few more rounds of that instead of the radiation so he still has another few months to go before he's done.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but my cousin has also been battling cancer (stomach? pancreas?) for the past couple of years.  We're not close but she's still family.  Anyways, she's been going downhill lately - in and out of the hospital and such.  Apparently she's back in and will very likely stay.  I'm not sure if she's in the hospital or hospice but either way, it's not good.  Her son is 4 years younger than me and he is married with two beautiful young daughters.  It makes me very, very sad to imagine what they must be going through. 

Yesterday I went to a cancer support centre here in town.  It came highly recommended so I thought I should check it out.  It's for patients and their caregivers, friends, families, etc. - basically anyone who has been touched by this stupid disease.  They run a bunch of programs, all for free, and it's all voluntary.  They also just have people there you can talk to who have been through it themselves and who understand.  I'm not really sure what I'm looking for or what I'm hoping to get out of going there.  Maybe some new coping skills.  Maybe a place where I can let down my guard a little bit and where I don't have to be so strong.  I'm going to start with a meditation class/group and see how that goes.  They also offer yoga, tai chi, qi gong and art therapy as well as reiki and therapeutic touch sessions.  I signed up for a reiki treatment but couldn't get an appointment for a month as there are only 2 practitioners for a couple of hours each week.  I'm thinking I should volunteer my services, which seem to be needed.  I'll at least talk to them the next time I'm there.  Maybe that would be the thing I'm looking for: being able to do *something* to help...

Git Er Dun

I have been remarkably productive for the past few days.  By this I mean that I have been as productive as a normally functioning person (and as productive as I remember myself being at other, better, times in my life).  I'm really tired, but I feel very good about everything I've managed to do in the past week, all things considered.

Earlier in the week I started doing some research into how to set up my own reiki and massage business in Ontario.  This involved trying to figure out if my qualifications are valid here as well as trying to find out about any required licensing, insurance, associations, etc.  In the course of my investigations I came across the website of a local woman who has her own reiki practice.  I felt I should try to contact her so I sent her an email explaining that I had just moved back to Canada and wondered if she would be willing to shed some light on the requirements, etc of starting a practice here.  She replied right away by email, we spoke on the phone and we are to get together tomorrow so she can share her own experiences with me.  I am thrilled that she is so open and helpful and I am looking forward to meeting her.  She also hosts reiki practice sessions so I will go to one of those as well.  It will be awesome to do some reiki and even better to meet other reiki practitioners.

On Wednesday night I went to a "Home and School" meeting.  What I knew as the PTA/PTO in the US is called Home & School here.  Whatever.  I had no idea what to expect but was hoping for something good.  I almost missed the meeting and was a bit late getting there but it didn't matter.  It was a smaller group than I expected (about 15 people) but was pleased to see a couple of dads representing.  As the meeting progressed, I was - once again - surprised at how laid back and friendly Canadians are.  Everything went smoothly, the agenda was adhered to and business was attended to but with a good sense of humour and joking around that it was an enjoyable experience.  I ended up volunteering for a couple of committees, including doing the monthly newsletter.  I have done newsletters for other PTO and community organizations in the past so this is nothing new.  It's something that I enjoy and it gives me a small sense of purpose and accomplishment and will also keep me connected to the goings-on of the school and to the other members of the association.

Also on Wed, I spent hours trying to figure out our current finances.  It's only *mildly* confusing having bank accounts in 3 countries, not to mention getting paid in one, living in another and having to pay bills in yet another country.  All this while the husband is currently living in a fourth country.  Once I finally got things sorted out, it took us another couple of hours to determine what money should go where and how it should get there.  I would so love to simplify things.  I am so envious of people who have all their banks, money, bills, insurances, etc. in one country!!

On Friday, I finally did a whole bunch of little things that I had been putting off forever, like going to the police station to get a criminal record check so I can volunteer at school (standard policy here).  The down side was that the police station is on the other side of town.  The up side was that the police station was on the other side of town so I got to do some exploring and see more of the city.  In doing so, I drove by a Hungarian restaurant I likely never would have seen otherwise.  I *love* Hungarian food so one of these days I must go try it out.  I also spent the evening cleaning my laundry room.  I don't think the (painted cement) floor had ever been washed -- it was *so* dirty!  I also cleaned out the digustingly dirty old fridge that was here when we moved in.  I'm still not sure I'm going to use it.  I like the idea of a second fridge/freezer but this one is so old and likely so energy inefficient, it may not be worth it.  At least it's clean now, so I can still decide to use it if I so desire.

Saturday I continued with the cleaning and managed to make the main floor of the house look like a house again.  In fact, it was so tidy & clean that I invited some friends over for dinner.  We had a great time -- and they didn't even mind going in the very untidy & unclean basement to hang out and play Wii.  As an added bonus, my friend's boyfriend managed to fix my toilet!  He also played my guitar, which hadn't been touched in far too long.  I think I shall have to do that myself again soon.

I had a nice sleep in today but still managed to get quite a bit done this afternoon.  I finally got the lawn mower going (after figuring out it needed an oil top-up) so cut the grass and raked up 5 bags of leaves from my front yard.  There weren't that many leaves in the back (yet) so I just mowed over the ones that were there.  I've never lived in a house that had big, deciduous trees in the yard.  My last house had giant honey locusts but they have teeny tiny leaves that don't need to be raked.  Here we have two maples and the neighbours have another tree that sheds into our yard as well, making for many, many leaves that need to be raked up.  Luckily, our yard is quite small but it was more than enough work this afternoon to have me completely tuckered out this evening.

However, as I said, it feels good to be so productive.  I'm hoping I can keep this going -- I would so love for this to become my normal.  I find it's helpful to make plans/lists the day before and even more helpful to not put too much on them.  Even if it's just one thing, it's better than doing nothing (and the guilt and self-loathing that goes along with it).  I'm going to take it one day at a time and really try to make this change a permanent one.

Stupid Cancer, Part 8

Firstly, let me say that despite the title of this post being "Stupid Cancer", for once, I have good news in the cancer department.  However, since most of my previous cancer-related posts have borne the same title, I thought I'd stick with it, in case anyone is following...

So, good news!  Finally!!  And on both fronts!!! 

My father was told by his oncologist last week that he is responding so well to the chemo that they will very likely skip the radiation portion of his treatment.  That will be confirmed today by the radiologist but hopefully he'll agree.  The radiation was to last 5 weeks, so skipping that presumably means 5 weeks less treatment time and 5 weeks closer to getting the colostomy reversal surgery & getting rid of the damned colostomy bag!  Not only is the bag annoying and inconvenient but there is now redness, burning and irritation at the attachment site.  Hopefully they'll be able to figure out why and get that fixed soon, but getting it removed altogether will be that much more welcome.

My sister also met with her oncologist last week and was told that her chemo had done a fabulous job of getting rid of almost all the cancer spots they'd been watching.  There are still a couple that have not disappeared completely (we're not sure what the plan is for those), and, of course, the new ones that are currently being treated with radiation but the fact that so much of the other cancer is gone is wonderful news!

In other, wonderful, news - I had more proof last night that I really am moving toward a better, healthier emotional state and, perhaps, even a higher state of self-worth and self-confidence.  Here's what happened: I entered into a debate.  For real!  I was talking to my oldest, dearest friend on the phone and somehow the chit-chat about how the kids don't have any homework led into a discussion about whether teachers get paid enough for what they do.  My friend & I were, obviously, of differing opinions and when he stated his, I countered with mine.  We went back and forth for a while and didn't get anywhere and soon decided we shouldn't spend what little time we had left (on a long-distance call) discussing teacher salaries.  But, the fact remains that I debated.  One could possibly say I argued even (mild as it was).  Even at the time, part of my brain was freaking out & doing a little happy dance, saying, "Hey, are you noticing what you're doing here?!"  It helps that I was talking to someone with whom I feel very safe, but even that wouldn't have been enough in the past to get me to say anything.  It was also easier because the topic was not one that was overly personal to either of us.  But it was a start, and a good one at that.  And, yes, I am just a wee bit proud of myself.

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

Last night I got inspired to so some more unpacking and ended up working on my reiki (& massage) room.  It didn't take very long and soon enough I had my space all set up, except for a few things that need to get hung on the walls.  It looks great and I am happy to have my little space established.

Unfortunately, it reminded me how much I miss my practice and how much I miss doing reiki.  I even miss giving massages to a certain, albeit lesser, extent. 

On the weekend, when we were visiting in Michigan, I was able to pop by a Reiki 1 class and help with attunements.  That, combined with my now useable space, has me aching to be able to do reiki again.  So much so, that today part of me has been saying, "Screw looking for a real job, just start a new reiki practice!"  If only it were that simple!! 

But perhaps this is what I need to get me motivated to seek out other, like-minded individuals.  I checked out a couple of places in my neighbourhood last week but didn't find much.  Since then I've done some research and I have a few more places to investigate.  Wish me luck that I find what I'm looking for...

Stupid Cancer, Part 7

If there's one thing I've learned about cancer, it's that it's unpredictable.  You never know who it's going to hit, or how and you certainly never know how their treatment will go or how the cancer will react to said treatment.  It's a crap shoot.

The newest development is that the 9 rounds of chemo my sister had did its job to minimize the cancer that the doctors knew she had.  Unfortunately, even though that all went well, she somehow developed a couple of new tumours in a new place and will now begin 8 rounds of radiation.  It seems as soon as they get the cancer under control in one area, it pops up somewhere else.  It is so incredibly frustrating!

My father is still doing well.  He has recovered well enough from his surgery that he has regained his appetite, although the site of the colostomy bag is still tender.  He's had a few rounds of chemo, which he's tolerating quite well so far.  Fingers crossed that fatigue will be the worst of his symptoms.

I'm not really sure where all this has left me. The newest development in my sister's health is definitely not good news but I've had so much it, I think I'm almost becoming numb to it all.  This particular diagnosis was almost expected (by me, based on a few symptoms I'd observed the last time I'd visited) but it doesn't change the fact that it sucks.  Nor does it change the fact that this will likely not be the last piece of bad news I will receive, be it about her or my father.  It will probably get worse before it gets better.  Or maybe it'll just continue to get worse.

While all of us try to continue our lives as normally as we can, sometimes it hits me more than others that my family is not in a normal situation right now.  For example, Thanksgiving is coming up in a week and a half.  I would like nothing more than to host my family at my house because a) I'm the one most able to handle the stress of preparing a big meal and b) I have room for everyone and c) I have a new house I'd like them all to see.  Unfortunately, my father and my sister will not be in any shape to travel (Dad especially) so we'll be visiting them instead.  Which is ok and I am happy that we'll be able to get together.  I'll just have to wait and hope that someday (Christmas? Easter?) I'll be able to have everyone gather in my home.

Otherwise, there's nothing exciting going on, as much as I wish otherwise.  I am bored and lonely.  The job search has still not produced a job.  I have decided that if nothing has come up in the next couple of weeks, I'll contact a temp agency and see if I can at least get some work that way.  I'm not exactly sure how to amp up my social life, but I'll continue to look.

I've realized that I really, really miss being surrounded by my reiki & holistic health people.  I had a visit from my chiropractor friend last week and stopped by a reiki class to help with attunements when we were in Michigan on the weekend and it was awesome.  I need to find some kindred spirits here -- I'm just not sure where or how.  But I will work on it and, with any luck, something will come of it.

I did, at least, meet a few people last night at a book club my bestie took me to.  Unfortunately, most of the women there are lawyers and social workers.  I'm not going to turn down trying to get to know them, but I don't foresee that I have a lot in common with most of these women.  I did pick up some good energy off a couple of them, tho, so I will try to get to know them better at the next meeting.  You never know...

So, in a nutshell, things could be better.  But I'm not drowning and I'm trying to make things better as best I can, which is all I can do.  I just hope my strength holds up.

Revelations

First of all, let me just say I'm in a better mood today.  A good night's sleep and a new day are always good motivators.  I didn't do a LOT today but enough that I felt like I got something done, which is so much.

I realized later last night that a lot of what I was feeling had to do with my lack of purpose.  I spent the past two years educating myself and trying to build a life and a career centred around reiki, massage and holistic wellness.  For the first time in a long time, I was doing something I loved to do.  I was beginning to feel like Me.  I was beginning to make a difference in other people's lives.  I was finally headed in the right direction and it felt really good.  And then it was all taken away from me and I have been left with NOTHING.  Not only did I lose my fledgling practice but I am no longer in a position in which I can afford to commit all my time to building up another one. I think now that I've been away from it for so long, I am finally starting to realize how much I miss what I had.  I am angry, sad and empty.

Today I had a bit of a revelation.  It's something that has been bugging me for a while.  In everything I've read on emotional abuse, it suggests that the recipient of the abuse (ie. me) generally learns this model of behaviour earlier in life and is therefore more accepting of it in later relationships.  I have been trying to figure out where I would have learned to accept such behaviour and have always come up with nothing.  I know my family has flaws but nothing that fits the pattern.  Then, after talking with my husband about his visit with the family I used to nanny for, it hit me: it was them.  I lived with them for 2.5 years after graduating from University.  They were friends, mentors and parents all rolled into one.  While they praised me for being a super nanny and a great cook, I always felt that I could never do anything good or worthy enough in my personal life to please them.  None of my goals or career plans or dreams ever seemed to meet their lofty standards.  I met my husband while I was living with them so the fact that he has the same high, exacting standards likely felt comfortable to me because that is what I had grown used to.

Even now - 15 years later - it's the same story.  My husband relayed a conversation they had had about me in which it seems that I still have not chosen the right field in which to excel.  The difference now is that, despite his credentials and his success, it's Me who gets to decide what I'm good at.  And if he doesn't approve he can go fuck himself! 

I'm taking this anger as a good sign: good that I'm feeling it and good that I'm expressing it (indirectly, but still...).  It at least gives me some glimmer of hope that I'm making progress, not only in owning my anger but in standing up for myself and who I am, even if I'm the only one who knows I'm doing it.

Stuck in the Mud

I am sinking.  Deeper and faster every day, today being the worst.  So far.  I don't like being here so I'm hoping I'll be able to pull myself out tomorrow.

Partly it's my fault for being so weak.  I was unable to motivate myself to do anything all day (other than bake cookies with my daughter).  I spent far too long in bed, got lost in thought a number of times, didn't accomplish anything so tonight I'm feeling completely miserable.  If I could just push myself harder and actually start something - anything - I would hit a groove and get quite a bit done.  But I just couldn't do it today.  I don't know if I'm being too hard on myself or not but either way, I know I should do more.

I think part of my lack of motivation is coming from my current situation and the fact that I am alone in a new city.  No job, no friends - I could probably disappear and no one but my children would notice.  My children, speaking of them, have gotten very self-sufficient and don't need me to do much more than remind them of the time a couple of hours a day and feed them.  It's great that they are getting older and maturing, but it really doesn't help me feel any more essential.

The fact that I haven't been able to find a job also isn't doing much for my self-esteem.  Every time I look at the want ads, I am reminded that I am not qualified to do anything (that will bring me a regular income).  I apply for jobs and hope against hope that I will get a call, even though I know that I'm not nearly as qualified as I should be and that I don't represent well on paper.  It's discouraging and deflating.

I try to stay optimistic and patient and I know that soon enough things will improve. I will get a job and I will make friends.  Some day I will feel less invisible and I will have a purpose and a goal.  I just don't like floundering like this in the meantime and I need a bit more strength than I seem to have to make it through.

One of Those Days

I don't know why - maybe it's because it's a Monday;  maybe it's because I'm overly tired; maybe it's because of nothing at all - but this has been one of those days where nothing seems to go quite right.  None of it was major but the accumulation of little things has got me wanting this day to be over so I can start fresh tomorrow, hopefully with better results.

Here's the list of what happened:
- left late for my son's orthodontist appointment
- got 3/4 of the way there only to discover the road is blocked off with police/fire/rescue and a helicopter is circling overhead (later discovered there was a police standoff there and an officer had been killed.  Horrible!) so had to make a huge detour
- arrived at the orthodontist about the time I'd been hoping to leave, putting me 20 minutes behind schedule
- left the orthodontist in good time but, because the road was closed, decided to drive a different way.  My GPS was annoying me so I turned it off, thinking I knew the way.  In theory I did but I got messed up somehow when the one highway split into 3 and ended up on the wrong one going in completely the wrong direction
- finally got myself reoriented and back on the right highway but I've now lost another 20 minutes
- drive like a speed demon in order to get home in time to feed the children and have them make it back to school in time for the second half of the day, which I manage but also get a phone call as I'm already stressed out trying to get them out the door
- decide to go to the store to pick up a few things, namely sketching pencils and a cheap external computer microphone.  Store #1: no luck (but picked up millet sticks for the birds & some batteries for the daughter's keyboard), Store #2: found the pencils but no microphone, waited in line for 10 minutes & didn't move at all so finally found an express line and was able to check out, Store #3: really expensive microphones, Store #4: finally find an affordable microphone & buy it
- get halfway to my car in the parking lot & hear someone yelling "Ma'am!".  I turn & the cashier hands me my debit card, which I'd left at her counter.
- get home & can't get my computer's speakers, mic or webcam to work.  Finally get the speakers & mic configured but there seems to be issues with my webcam

*Sigh*

All this after a fairly nice weekend away.  The kids got lots of social time in with their friends and I treated myself to a movie and enjoyed some quiet time (in addition to all the chauffeuring).  Next time we visit, I'll make sure I plan ahead so I can see some of my friends too.

I guess the nice thing is that even though I've had a less than perfect day, my spirits are still buoyant and I haven't let all the crappy events of today bring me down.  It's kind of encouraging to realize that I can have an off day without it taking over my whole world. 

Fingers Crossed

I applied for a job today. A good job. A really good job. It's everything I've been looking for and I really, really want it. All the other jobs I've applied to thus far would have been ok; a good place to start; better than nothing. But this job is in a different class: it's a great place to start and I think it even has job/career growth potential. I have no idea if I have enough qualifications but I think I have a couple of things that might work in my favour. So cross your fingers for me that the hiring people see my potential and give me a chance.

Time is Fleeting

Luckily, no madness taking control... yet.

My goal for this week was to unpack.  Here it is Thursday already & I haven't touched a single box. *Sigh*.  Somehow Life has managed to take over and keeps distracting me from the unpacking/organizing/tidying up that really, really needs to happen.  I have one small errand to run this morning and then I absolutely must get to work.  I'll crank some tuneage and do as much as I can.  Yes, really. 

Because it seems we're going away for the weekend (again) so I really do need to get something done before I lose another couple of days.  I do enjoy going away - not so much that the cat has taken to pooping *beside* his litter box while we're gone - but it does leave less time at home to be productive.

I would really like to have all the boxes gone by the end of next week.  I think that's realistic.  Then, of course, there's still organizing and hanging pictures and whatnot to follow.  If we had some extra money, I'd probably start painting, too, but we don't so that will have to wait.  Gives me time to figure out a colour scheme, I guess.

Now, I must leave this and take advantage of the time I have left in the day...

September

... is upon us.  This means another summer has passed and, again, it has passed without my being able to take advantage of it.  Last summer I was studying for finals so didn't get to really go on holiday or take advantage of the fact that it was summer.  This summer was occupied by the move and so I once again had to give up on vacations and all things summery.  It sucks.  Especially because I so need a vacation.  This year has caused me nothing but stress and I've been completely unable to get away anywhere and destress.

I have at least tried to make the last week or two somewhat relaxing.  We visited with some local friends, went to see friends in the old 'hood a couple of times and we spent a few days last week visiting with my family.  The kids *love* hanging with their cousins so I made sure they could do as much of that as possible, while I also got to see my family and a couple friends of my own.  I even managed to have a couple of beers, although it was lunchtime and I had to drive so couldn't indulge as much as I would have liked.  Hopefully, now that we are close to friends and family on both sides of the border, we'll have much more opportunity to visit and have fairly regular mini-breaks.

Nonetheless, summer is over and school starts tomorrow.  My kids are starting a new school again.  This will be their fourth school each, although some of the transitions have been within the same school district allowing them to stay with their friends.  Still, it's a lot of transitioning.  At least my daughter has managed to stay at elementary school the whole time.  My son went to two different elementary schools, then upper elementary, then middle school and he's now back at elementary school for a year before heading off to high school.  It's a bit of a mess and not at all what I intended for my children.  Luckily, they adapt well to change and I'm sure this won't cause too many difficulties for them.

The biggest adjustment has been to the idea that they skipped a grade with this move.  Whether or not there is a difference in curriculum remains to be seen but the fact is that my daughter just went from fourth grade to grade six and my son went from sixth grade to grade eight.  I don't think they'll have too much trouble academically as they are both bright children but the skip puts them even further behind in French, which will make it even more difficult to catch up.  My daughter's biggest concern with skipping a grade is that if we ever move back to Michigan she won't be in the same grade as her friends.  My son's biggest concern is that he now only has one more year before he starts high school, which is a big mental adjustment to make.  Again, I know they'll be fine and soon enough I'm sure none of us will ever notice that anything unusual happened this year at all (except for the gap in the collection of school photos...).

As for me, I am planning to get back to unpacking as soon as the kids get back to school.  I have quite a few other things to do this week as well (setting up accounts, paying bills, applying for health coverage, etc) so I will be busy.  I also keep scanning the job postings in hopes that I might one day actually get a job.  I apply every now and then but so far nothing has materialized.  Maybe now that the kids are back in school, the universe will work with me and something will happen -- the way it's supposed to.

Doubts, Dreams and Distractions

I'm slowly settling into the new house.  The unpacking has slowed, but will eventually get finished.  I'm getting things set up and organized.  Next week the children will start school and real life will begin. 

Once the kids are settled at school, I will seriously need to look for a job.  I peruse the online ads pretty much every day but there is really very little that a) interests me and b) I'm qualified for.  This is very discouraging.  I have a 4-year university Bachelor's degree, a university certificate in Teaching English as a Second Language and a year of Massage school under my belt.  That's 6 years of post-secondary education.  And yet it qualifies me for absolutely nothing in the Job Market.  I am a smart woman and I do not want a dead-end, minimum wage job yet it seems that's about all I have a chance of doing.  A friend of mine told me that if anyone met me, they'd hire me right away - despite not having the right background.  Unfortunately, all anyone gets to see is my resume - not my person.  It's highly discouraging.

On the other hand, I had a very encouraging dream right before I woke up this morning.  I was in a bank and, to make a long story short, wasn't getting the service I needed.  I lost it and yelled at the "customer service" woman behind the desk.  Despite being very angry & upset, I managed to speak my mind quite effectively and, oddly enough, the woman got my point, apologized and gave me what I needed.  I was quite shaken up by the whole thing, but realized that for some reason, that was what was needed to get what I wanted.  It was so strange to watch myself get so angry at a complete stranger, yet somehow liberating at the same time.  I think I was somehow showing myself that I really can express myself & my emotions and a) it's not always a bad thing and b) it can be useful.

Otherwise, I've had a pretty social week.  The kids were lonely & going stir crazy so once I finally got my car, we headed back to the old neighbourhood for them to visit their friends.  We ended up staying long than we'd planned & would have stayed longer, but had to come back & feed the cat.  When we got back, it was my turn to be social.  Of course, the kids joined me and had other kids to play with - just not necessarily their ages.  It's been a busy, social week and it's been awesome!  Saw some old friends & made some new ones and because of that (ok, maybe it's the wine, too) - and despite everything else - I am a happy girl tonight :)

Unpacking

It's been 10 days since we moved into the new house.  I've been busy, yet also very isolated: no friends, no internet and no car.  Slowly all of that is getting sorted.  We finally got internet at home a few days ago and I will get my car this afternoon.  Of course, not everything has gone smoothly and I've been very frustrated at times but hopefully soon we'll be through the worst of the moving mess and I can settle into our new life here.

My husband is still a couple of hours away at our old place, tying up loose ends there and getting organized before he moves back to Germany for a few months and then, eventually, to Mexico.  Since it's only a short drive away, he's been back and forth every few days to visit (and bring stuff that we couldn't officially pack in the moving shipment).  We definitely get along better when we only see each other sporadically.

He's commented that I seem much happier at the new house -- and I am.  It's a smaller house and much more manageable than our last house.  I'm not intimidated by this one and I think I may actually be able to keep it clean since the thought of it is not so daunting.  I also recalled a conversation I once had with my therapist, about how I had never lived on my own in my own house and how there's a different sort of intrinsic motivation that arises when you're living in your own house -- and I think he's right.  For the first time in my life, I feel like this house belongs to me (which it does).  And so will the car.  Until now, everything has always belonged to other people - my parents or my husband or his company - and it's a good feeling to actually have a few things in my name.  Almost like I'm a real person.

I'm slowly emptying boxes and making the house feel more like a home.  Hopefully we'll have lots of visitors (my sister & nieces were here already) and it won't always be us visiting our old neighbours.  I'm hopeful that once we make some friends here and learn our way around and get settled that we'll be quite happy here. 

KO

I have no idea what I am supposed to be learning from the Universe.  It is obviously trying to teach me something by making everything in my life so fucking difficult and convoluted.  Whenever I feel like I've made a step forward, I just get beaten right back down again.  I'm tired and I don't want to keep living like this. 

Packing Up

I'm moving in 3 days.  I've been very busy lately trying to get ready and trying to pack.  I feel I'm not being nearly as quick or as efficient as I should be and it feels like it's taking forever.  Maybe it's because I'm used to watching professionals do it, who are so much faster.  But as long as I keep going, I'll get there in the end.

It's all so overwhelming.  The amount of work is phenomenal.  I never noticed it so much with any of our other moves, but this time it's just ridiculous.  Maybe it's because we've been here longer and we're more settled here than we have been anywhere else.  In any case, I'm not at all enjoying the process.  Nor, am I enjoying the idea of moving.  It's very different to be moving when you don't want to.  I'm having a very difficult time with that part of it ant I know that if I wasn't medicated, I wouldn't be functioning much at all.

There is so much about this move that frightens me, from not knowing what to expect in the next few months, to not wanting to leave my life & my friends here.  I know we'll only be a couple of hours away and I know that I will get through whatever comes my way - somehow.  I just have to keep reminding myself that everything happens the way it's supposed to happen and take it from there.

Encouragement

I got a lovely phone call this afternoon.  It was from a chiropractor.  I applied to work for this particular chiropractor the other day.  The job is in the town I'm moving to so I'm not quite ready to start just yet but I've been applying for jobs more for practice than anything else.  There wasn't much of a description of the job in this posting but I decided to apply anyways -- and got a call back!  The chiropractor said she found my resume, my energy work background and all my travelling interesting.  Unfortunately, she's interviewing tomorrow for someone to start on Monday, which is sadly just impossible for me.  However, she did mention that there's a possibility of another position opening up (another employee of hers is waiting to hear if her husband is getting transferred) so she'd like to keep me in mind if she needs someone later on.  I also mentioned that I'll be in town on Monday so we may meet up then for a quick chat.  We shall see.

The nice part is simply that someone was interested enough in me and my experience to want to talk to me in person.  It's also given me an idea of what kind of job to look for because if she liked my resume, then perhaps other chiropractors would as well.  So even if this particular job doesn't work out, at least it's given me some encouragement that I'm on the right path and that I will find something that will work out when the time is right.

Stupid Cancer, part 6

I really wish I could just put the rest of my life on hold while I move.  It would be so much easier if I could just focus on one thing at a time.  It's almost too much to even work on closing the house at our destination while trying to purge & pack here, let alone worry about my family and all of their ills and ailments.

On the bright side, for the most part everyone is doing relatively well.  My father is slowly regaining his appetite & recovering from his surgery.  However, he is due to start a chemo & radiation course so we're not sure how he'll react to that.  The worst of it is that he'll have to keep the colostomy bag for an extra 3 months or more since they won't do surgery while he's in treatment.  He also has to do slightly less effective chemo treatment so he doesn't have to have a colostomy bag attached to one side & a chemo pump on the other.  Cancer sucks.

My sister is doing very well.  Her surgery did what it was supposed to do and the chemo is doing what it's supposed to do so all of her cancer is diminishing.  Yay!  *happy dance*  She's taking the summer off work to allow herself to heal and all of it seems to have things going in a positive direction.

My mother still won't admit she has memory issues - at least, no worse than any of her friends.  She went to the doctor to placate my father & I only to be told it was likely due to the stress of my father being ill.  Truth is, she's been much better since he's been ill.  I'll probably have to talk to the doctor myself at some point but right now, that's not a battle I need to face.

My biggest battle right now is with time.  And, I know that writing a blog is not using that time most effectively when I have so much purging and packing left to do, but sometimes a break is required.  I shall return to it shortly.  The purging has continued to be very uplifting -- I will be so happy to move into our new house with much less stuff.  And I will endeavor to accumulate as little as possible and to constantly purge (as I used to) so that I never have to do this again, even if we do end up moving again.

I found this, written by my almost 11-yr-old daughter:

"My Life.
I go around ~ don't know
where I heading to next.  i haven't been In a place long enough
to call It home ~ ...
Somebody help me Somebody help me
where do I go and who should I be ~"

I don't know if it's a poem or a song.  My guess is a song, but either way it absolutely breaks my heart.  Stupid Life!

Busy, Busy, Busy!

It's been a while since I last posted and I fear my posts will be even less regular in the upcoming months.  I have lots to do and, unfortunately, writing is no long at the top of my priority list.  I miss it, but it will have to wait for a while until I get settled again on the other side of the move.

Everything went well with the house purchase & we are now just waiting to be able to close at the end of the month.  Hopefully that will happen on the 31st, as expected, and not be delayed (the house was part of an estate settlement & in probate, so there's a chance it could be held up a bit longer, but hopefully not more than a few days).

Right now we are busy sorting & packing.  Well, mostly sorting & purging.  I'm actually really enjoying getting rid of stuff!  It's amazing how much useless shit we've accumulated.  Also, because we've never moved ourselves before (the company always paid) we were never really cognizant of what exactly we moved.  We tried to sort out most of the junk but we seem to have moved a lot of stuff that we shouldn't have.  We're being much more careful this time around and getting rid of so much stuff that we really shouldn't even still have in the first place.  There will be a moving sale in a couple of weeks and whatever doesn't sell will go to charity.  Once we get through the purging, we can move on to the packing.  It's a big job, but I'm beginning to be able to see it in smaller steps, which is helping me to not get overwhelmed by it all.

Last weekend we fit in a quick getaway to visit my sister & help her celebrate her 20th wedding anniversary.  She & my brother-in-law renewed their vows in the yard in front of a small selection of family & close friends.  It was a really lovely day and nice to see the two of them happy.  Unfortunately, my Dad couldn't be there as his health is still not great, so we weren't able to see him.  We'll probably go visit in a couple of weeks.  We have to leave the country anyways, as per immigration regulations, so we might as well do something useful while we're at it.

I'm also still working every now and then.  I have a few stray clients that I've been seeing but I haven't been looking for any more so it's working out well.  I've also been looking for work in the town we're moving to and have put in a couple of applications but so far with no success.  I'm not too discouraged as I know the right job will appear when I'm ready for it.

So, all in all, I'm doing pretty good and feeling quite optimistic.  I'm busy and being productive and getting much accomplished which is all good for me.

Fast Times

What a crazy week it's been!  I think I can start just about every week lately with that statement.  And I suspect it will remain that way throughout the summer.

I've been running around like mad this week but at least I got quite a lot accomplished -- like buying a house!  After an insane day meeting with all sorts of people, I think everything has been worked out and I can sit back for a couple of weeks until we close the deal at the end of the month.  The whole house-buying process has been interesting and exciting and terrifying all at once.  My husband hasn't involved himself at all so I got to do it all on my own, which has been kind of empowering.  It's good to know that I really can be independent and together and organized and all of that.  I would like it a whole lot better if I didn't have to rely on my parents for financial assistance (because I have no credit in Canada) but that's only temporary.

Come to think of it, the house-buying success has had me in a pretty good mood lately which is nice for a change.  And feeling productive is a nice change too.  Hopefully it will spur me on to more productiveness -- which would be good considering all that needs to be done in the next few weeks!  I have no idea how I'm going to manage it all, but I guess I'll just start somewhere and go from there.  Baby steps.

I also realized today that I am fraught with so many fears about the future.  So much is uncertain and unknown: relationships, career, finances.  It's a scary time without too many reassurances.  I just have to believe that everything will work out the way it's supposed to.

Stupid Cancer and Other Things

I probably should have written before now to say that I'm not pissed anymore.  Although I really was and it felt pretty good to recognize it for a change.  I spent all that day hating on the world, my situation and the people that put me here.  But that's ok.  I was angry - for good reason - and I owned it.

In the week since then, I think I've experienced just about every emotion available.  It's been another roller-coaster week and I'm tired and could probably use a drink or two...

I'm starting to get really stressed about moving.  A guy came from a moving company the other day to give me a quote.  As we were wandering around the house, we looked at everything we own that has to be moved -- it's a LOT!  And there's so much that I have to clean out and donate that I don't need to move with us.  And they want a lot of money to move us so we'll probably move ourselves (if we can) which means I'll have to pack everything.  It's so much work and it's such an incredibly daunting task -- it's so overwhelming!

Luckily, one of my best girlfriends came to visit with her little ones to distract me from all my moving stress.  We had a great time hanging out at the beach at our local lake.  And... I even a) went in the water and b) swam out to the raft.  Most of you probably don't know that I have had an extreme fish phobia for the last 22 years.  I am terrified of fish (plus, they're just ugly).  Needless to say, my daughter was pleasantly shocked to see me in the water and I felt pretty good about myself for overcoming my fear.  Aside from the minnows, there were even a couple of bigger fish (about 6 inches long) swimming around in the shallows -- and they didn't even scare me out of the water!

Unfortunately, my visitors only stayed a couple of days and then it was time to jump back in to real life, which I did by taking my daughter house hunting.  It was a long day: 2.5 hour drive there, drive around all day looking at houses, drive 2.5 hours back home.  My daughter was a trooper throughout and it was great to get her opinion.  I wish my son could have been with us as well, but he was away at scout camp and, time being of the essence, we couldn't afford to wait until he got back.  It was a good thing that we didn't wait as we found the perfect little house that would certainly have been sold before we got to see it.  We're putting in an offer today -- so much anticipation!

I also found out this week that the results came back from the cancer tests my dad had when he had his surgery last month and that the results were positive.  It's low-grade cancer so they're going to wait for him to recover from his surgery before they start further treatment.  He'll meet with the oncologist next week to find out exactly what the course of treatment will be.  Stupid cancer!

I realized recently that, very likely, in a few years I will have lost half of my immediate family to this stupid disease, leaving just me and my mother.  Of the four of us, this is pretty much the worst combination of any two people to be left together.  It's going to be an interesting journey...

For the Record...

I am fucking pissed!

Stress & Frustration

It's been crazy busy around here lately and I haven't had a moment to write.  Heck, I haven't even had a long enough moment to sit down to make a to-do list, let alone string together enough sentences to create a blog post!  And, of course, now that I'm sitting here, there is so much to write about that I don't even know where to start!

I haven't been doing very well with applying the mantra.  I especially need to work on the 3rd one...

I'm continuing to see my chiropractic office mate and I really like what she does.  It's always great to have someone work on both physical and emotional issues simultaneously.  I have also been getting a lot of massages lately.  It's time for practical exams at the school I'm apprenticing at.  They can choose any apprentice or instructor to massage for their exam and I seem to be a popular choice.  Some students are doing their exams and others want to practice on me before their practicals.  I'm agreeable to all of it because it's a free 1-hour massage.  Granted, they are student massages so not necessarily great, and I have to pay attention to what they're doing the whole time but it's still better than nothing.  I also had an energy work session last week by my teacher and mentor, which was fantastic.  It's all wonderful, but unfortunately I'm still pretty stressed and frazzled.

Some of it has to do with having had a super busy week.  For some reason, things actually sped up once the children got out of school for the summer and I spent most of last week driving all over creation trying to get us all where we needed to be.  This coming week I've got one kid away at scout camp but we're having overnight guests midweek so this week will likely be fairly busy too -- but hopefully in a way that requires less mileage.

On the bright side, my father & my sister seem to be healing well.  My sister got sent home from the hospital 5 days after her surgery and my father finally got let go 2 weeks after his.  I haven't spoken to anyone for the past week to track their progress (because if I don't call them, I don't get any information) but I'm assuming no news is good news. 

Speaking of doctors (well, sort of) I went to see mine again this week.  She wanted to follow up with me on how the anti-depressant meds are working out (fabulously, thank you) and I told her about my Dad's recent colon cancer diagnosis.  She then informed me that that puts me at high risk for getting it myself and promptly handed me a requisition form for a colonoscopy, which I shall continue to do annually, along with mammograms because I'm also high risk for getting breast cancer.  Stupid cancer!  That said, I do believe that cancer is very much lifestyle related so I hope to avoid getting either of them by living as healthily as I can.  (And no, I'm not really doing that right now but once my life settles down a bit, I plan to get back to exercising and eating well.)

Not that I expect my life to settle down anytime soon.  In fact, I hope things start getting a little busier -- at least in terms of moving.  We found out a month ago that we have to move and NOTHING has happened since then!  We are still waiting to hear if the company is going to move us and we haven't been able to look for a house because my father has been in the hospital (and he's supposed to help us out with the whole house-buying side of things).  Hopefully July will bring some more action on that front.  All this waiting is so very frustrating! 

So, that's it.  A very long post to sum up many of the reasons why I am stressed, frazzled and frustrated.  Thank God my dear friend, R, took me out to a Beer Fest this weekend -- no better way to destress than to drink beer and have a couple of bourbon shots with my best girl.  If I wasn't so busy, I'd try to do that more often...

Mantra

I am entitled to my emotions.
My feelings are not irrational.
Expressing myself is not an inconvenience.

Grrr...

The chiropractor I share an office with and I have begun trading services, which is an awesome perk to doing this kind of work.  I gave her a reiki session a week or so ago and today it was my turn to be on the receiving end of the trade.  I knew she didn't practice traditional chiropractics but I didn't really know what she did -- nor did it matter.  I'm open to all kinds of bodywork and I'm always willing to try new things.  It turns out that she does gentle adjustments mixed with energy work and today she worked on my bones and my emotions.

The result is that it seems she's been able to bring about some pretty big changes.  Structurally, things have been shifting all afternoon and I've been having dizzy spells.  This is annoying but doesn't worry me much and I assume all will be well after a good night's sleep.  Emotionally, all sorts of things have been shifting and I have become very aware, once again, that I have been holding in vast amounts of anger and I haven't the slightest idea what to do with it all.  A friend suggested smashing things and/or screaming and/or playing some kind of video game where I can kill things.  Not bad ideas for blowing off some steam but none of those things will really deal with the anger or the causes of it.  I'm thinking I might start making a list of all the things I'm angry about.  Maybe if it's all more tangible, I'll have some idea what to do with it.  The one thing I don't want to do is bury it all again, because I know that is only a temporary fix and doesn't do anything but make me miserable.  So, please, wish me luck and some courage to deal with my anger properly this time -- or at least try to.

Stupid Cancer, Part 4

It's been a crazy week so forgive me for not writing before now.  I've been stuck in a whirlwind of stress and when I wasn't otherwise occupied, I was sleeping -- which left no time for writing.

Last Sunday I made the 5-hour drive "home" to my parents' house and arrived just in time for what felt like the Last Supper with all the family gathered together.  Well, not really all of us since I was the only representative from my family but my parents, my sister and her family were there so all of us from my original nuclear family were present.

And then it began.  On Monday my father had surgery: a bowel resection to remove a cancerous tumour in his colon.  They took some lymph nodes as well to test for spread, but we won't have those results back until next week.  The surgery went well, although the recovery hasn't been as quick as we could have hoped for.  There have a been a few minor setbacks but so far, nothing too serious.

On Wednesday, my sister had surgery: a pericardial window to drain the fluid that has been building up around her heart as a result of her cancer.  The surgery itself went well, although the doctors decided to keep her sedated and intubated for a day after the surgery.  We weren't allowed to see her after her surgery and my BIL had to work the next day so I was the only one who could visit.  I ended up staying with her for a few hours until they finally took out her breathing tubes.  Until then, the only way she could communicate was by sign language.  She knows much more than I do , but at least I can finger spell so I was able to be her voice until she got her own back again.

From there I drove the hour back to the hospital my father was in to check in on him before I started my long journey back to my own house.  Once I finally sat down in the car, I felt the cold I'd been battling all week finally settling in.

By Friday I was absolutely, emotionally and physically exhausted.  Waiting in hospitals for hours (9 hours for my dad, 5 hours for my sister), trying to be strong when I visited (despite never having seen them look quite so ill/weak/vulnerable) and trying to process the fact that half of my immediate family has varying stages of cancer and not knowing when or how this is all going to end is just really, really draining.

Add to that the fact that my marriage is sort of non-existant so I don't have as much support to come home to as I'd like and the fact that we're moving in 6 weeks and I'd say I have about as much stress as one person should have to handle all at once.

On the bright side, I did manage to have a few beers and visit with some friends while I was "home" -- and at least a couple of them were able to make me laugh.  I also ate a LOT of poutine.  And today was my birthday so I got to go to the DIA again and got taken out for dinner and ice cream so it was a pretty good day.

None of that lessens the overbearing presence of cancer but it does help me get through the days a bit better, which is really all I can ask for.

What A Difference...

...a day makes.  On Tuesday morning I was feeling completely overwhelmed by everything that Life is currently throwing my way and by Wednesday afternoon I was feeling much, much lighter.  Nothing had changed but I got a break from thinking about it all for a while.

On Tuesday I was an emotional mess and cried off an on for an hour before making my way to school to help teach a reiki class.  It took me a while to compose myself even after I got there but luckily, the friend whom I was helping pulled me aside and did a couple of quick attunements, which felt really nice and I was able to focus on the class afterwards.  By the time I'd finished attuning the students, I was feeling better and after giving a full reiki session to a student (and friend of mine, who has some serious health issues), I was much more centred and grounded.

While that was all beneficial, yesterday was really the day that helped the most.  I got a little 6-hour vacation in the form of "chaperoning" a full-day field trip with my son and the rest of the 6th graders.  We started at a Spanish-immersion school where we helped 3rd graders make yarn dolls.  Then we headed over to Mexican Town where we checked out a mural, visited a bakery (churros!), poked around in a gift shop (my son bought a sombrero and I found some nice earrings and an awesome chunk of amethyst) and finally had an "authentic" mexican lunch (which really wasn't all that great).  Then we were whisked off to the DIA (Detroit Institute of Arts) where we had about 30 minutes to see whatever we could.  We managed to see some suits of armour and swords, a few paintings and a huge mural by Diego Rivera before we had to get back to the bus to return to school.  The whole day was interesting and I got to discover new places and see new things -- without having to plan any of it.  The worst part was trying to keep track of our group of 11 boys all day (even with the help of 2 other parents, we were all constantly counting kids) and keep them a safe distance from the artwork.  Best of all (and I'm sure my therapist would agree with me) is that I got to be social.  All in all, it was a pretty fantastic day.

Which is just what I needed.

A Long Weekend

It's been a very long weekend.  We got an extra day for Memorial Day, but it seems like last week was more than just 3 days ago...

Saturday I slept a lot, which was good since I hadn't been sleeping well for the week or so prior.  I slept in then my family went to the fair that rolls through town every Memorial Day weekend.  The kids look forward to it and I love the fair, too.  It was a bit rainy when we got there, but it cleared up soon afterwards so we got a nice cool day and no lines for the rides so it worked out really well.  I went on most of the rides with the kids but after a couple of hours, I began to feel a little nauseous so watched as the kids got their fill of the rides (which made me feel old).  I had a nap when we got home and felt better when I got up but still went to bed early.

Sunday was a relaxing day.  My biggest accomplishment was taking my son to see the movie "Battleship", which was pretty awesome and very appropriate for Memorial Day weekend.  Sunday night I talked to my sister, and found out she's been to the ER twice in the past week -- for different things. 

Yesterday, we went to Canada for the day to check out prospective schools and neighbourhoods.  We had a productive day and although it was a long, hot day, we felt good about what we'd seen and, amazingly, both children agreed on which school they liked best.  (Now the challenge is to find a house close to that school.)  We also met some friends for dinner.  We eventually came home - later than anticipated - and I got a text from my sister saying that she's scheduled for surgery next week.

Now let me sum up what is going through my head: my father is having surgery on Monday next week, my sister is having surgery on Wednesday next week, I am turning 40 in 12 days, the reality of moving is beginning to sink in accompanied by all the fears and what-if's.  Not to mention that I'm moving to a different country with my children while their father moves to another continent altogether.  In the meantime, the kids are finishing up their school years with field trips and festivities, I am still volunteering and working (sporadically) and somehow through all of this I am supposed to stay sane.  Thank God I'm medicated.

Prologue

I have an astrologer friend who is constantly reminding me that all the huge changes I've been going through are normal and should be expected at both this time in my life and this particular juncture of the cosmos.  There's some crazy shit going on, as he would say.  He has also said that my life up until now has been that of a caterpillar and that one day I will be a butterfly and I will be amazed at the world and all that it has to offer me.

My therapist pointed out today that I am facing some major changes, but that they are not necessarily negative.  In the end, they will lead to good.

Obviously, I have been going through major changes and shifts in consciousness for the past couple of years.  It has all been building and leading me to a better place -- a better me.  I have been learning, watching, observing, testing, trying and discovering.  I am the caterpillar who is feeding and preparing for a huge metamorphosis.

Many of the people I've met in the past couple of years have played a significant part in steering me and guiding me towards this change.  They have influenced me in ways large and small, but always important.  Some people have been more influential than others.  Although I am sad to be moving away from these incredible friends and mentors, I will not be so far away that I can not continue to have a close and meaningful relationship with them.

I am sad to see this part of my life coming to an end.  It's been both good and horribly challenging.  I've gone through a lot of ups and downs but I know that it's all part of the journey.  I like to think of the last couple of years as not just a chapter but the prologue: we've been introduced to the characters and the history and soon it will be time for the real story to begin.

Assumptions and Expectations

I know it's my fault for making assumptions and for creating expectations based on those assumptions.  I know I shouldn't get upset when it seems like those expectations won't get met.  But I do.  What else have I got?  Everything is so uncertain that I grasp at whatever seems most likely and try to create a viable future out of it.  It shouldn't come as a surprise when things falter but when they do, it unsettles me all over again.  Things are happening quickly, my life is about to change dramatically and I desperately need to know - for certain - what to prepare for. 

Here We Go...

Now that we know for sure that we're moving, we have started telling people.  So far, I haven't told that many and those I have talked to already knew either because they'd heard it from the children or because they've been privy to the daily ups and downs of our immigration status.  Either way it hasn't come as a surprise and while the news of us moving hasn't pleased them, it hasn't surprised them either.

Yesterday, I told our kids' kung fu teacher that we will be moving this summer.  During my initial conversation with the teacher, I could feel the tears starting but I was able to continue the conversation and I got through it fairly intact.  Then, when I thought we were done, he pulled his wife aside (also a teacher) and told her.  Hearing Mr. tell Mrs. that we are moving and how sad he is to be losing one of his favourite students (even though they're not supposed to have favourites), how much they like our family and having her reiterate how sad they are that we are leaving, put me right over the edge.  I turned into a mess of tears and could barely manage to string together a coherent sentence, although I did manage to squeak out that they have been one of the best parts of living here.

And truly, they have.  They have done incredible things for our son, not just by teaching him kung fu but by instilling a quiet confidence in him.  He has struggled with situational mutism (a social anxiety disorder, also called selective mutism) since he was five and these people have managed to get our son to do so many things he wouldn't ordinarily do: lead a group of kids, demonstrate a move in front of a group, get his picture taken.  They have done so much for him without even knowing it (and yes, I do plan to write them a nice, long email telling them).  Our daughter has also benefited from the time she was there, discovering an inner power she didn't know she had.

Until yesterday, I'd managed to talk about moving without crying.  I don't think that will be the last conversation that brings me to tears.

Big News

Last week we got big news.  Actually, I got more big news than I wanted.  Not only did I learn that my father has cancer (again) but on that same day I learned that we have to move.  It seems we have outstayed our welcome in this lovely country we have come to call home and we are not allowed to stay any longer.

We were hoping to get green cards which would have allowed us to stay here indefinitely.  My husband's company wanted him to stay and tried very hard to make it happen.  Unfortunately, as often occurs when dealing with a large, international company, the responsibilities got passed off to various people at the national level, who ended up dropping the ball and essentially screwing us over.  So despite everyone here really wanting us to stay, we may not.

Our current visas expire on July 27, so we have to make sure we can leave the country by then.  We can come back after as visitors but we can't live or work here again -- at least not for another year or more.  By US laws, my husband can apply to work here again after a year spent abroad.  By the rules of his company, he can return to the US again as an expat after 2 years abroad.  So, we may be back but only time will tell.

In the meantime, we have been trying to process the news and make decisions for our futures that will make all of us happy.  What that looks like is that my husband will go to work in Brazil for a couple of years while the children and I move to Canada.

In the midst of trying to work out details to stay in the US, my husband was offered a job in Brazil -- sort of a Plan B if the US didn't work out.  He'll still be with the same company, just at another location.  My husband's dream is to live and work on all the continents (possibly excluding Antarctica, although he'd love to visit).  So far, he's managed the northern hemisphere, having worked in Europe, Asia and North America.  So the Brazil job is not only a great job opportunity but goes hand-in-hand toward making his lifelong dream a reality.  They are still working out the details of the job in Brazil, but we assume that it will happen.

While my husband's dream is to live all over the world, and while I have followed him across 3 continents (giving birth to children on 2 of them), I am no longer willing to give up everything to do that.  We had some great adventures, but moving to new countries every few years has prevented me from ever investing in myself.  As it is, I have to give up my newly established practice and I won't be able to work as a massage therapist in Canada.  Beyond that, I don't want to leave my ill family and the much-needed support of my friends to follow a man I barely have a relationship with to the far reaches of the world.  In Canada, I will have the support of friends and family and, as a Canadian, I will be able to work and establish a life for myself that I won't ever have to give up -- unless I so choose.  That said, I would never ask my husband to give up his dream so the only logical conclusion is to each of us go where we want to be.

We have discussed this with the children, who both decided they did not want to move to Brazil.  They will happily visit, but they do not want to live there.  Obviously, they would rather not move at all but knowing they have to move, they think Canada will be pretty good.  They both hold Canadian passports but have never lived in the country so we are all looking forward to them building a relationship with at least one country and its people to which they belong.  They are excited about being that much closer to their cousins, grandparents and other close friends, while also maintaining an easy distance to their friends here in Michigan.  Obviously, they don't like the idea of living so far from their father but with current technology, they can Skype every day and we plan to have plenty of visits. 

So, in a nutshell, my life has been upended.  I can't say it surprises me.  It always felt that I was hoping against hope that it would all work out and we would be able to stay.  Even though we all would have preferred to stay, I feel there is a different energy to this -- that we are no longer fighting a losing battle.  I am still not at all looking forward to moving but I think, in the end, it will be ok.  I really hope it will...

Stupid Cancer (Part 3)

It wasn't bad enough that this disease stole my best friend's husband from us when he was still in his early 30's or that it just stole another good friend's mother before she reached her 60th birthday.  It's not enough that it's threatening another very dear person from me not much past her 40th birthday.  Now it's got its vile claws in my Dad.  Granted, the man is in his 70's but as far as we're concerned, it's far too soon for him to go anywhere.  I'm not sure what his prognosis is, and I probably won't know much more until after his surgery in a couple of weeks, but I do know that I hate this stupid disease!

Decisions, Decisions

Sometimes being a grown-up sucks.  Like now, for example.  How am I supposed to make a good decision when none of my choices are ideal?  There's not a single option that really makes sense.  Some choices would be easier than others, but that doesn't necessarily make them the better ones.  Easy now doesn't always mean easy - or better - later.  So I'm weighing the pros and cons of today with the pros and cons of the future and ending up at conclusions I never thought I'd be making -- which confuses the hell out of me.  Is this really what I want?  Is this really what's best?

My son was reading a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book tonight.  He even managed to find an ending he hadn't read before.  It would be so nice if life were like one of those books: you make choices and follow along with the story but if you don't like how it ends, you start over and make different choices.  Sometimes you end up at the same place but sometimes you end up somewhere new.  And you get to keep trying and keep making different choices as many times as you want (although there are only 42 possible endings in the book).  But life isn't like that.  Sure, you get you choose your own adventures but only once.  There aren't any do-overs if you don't like the ending.

I guess the best I can do is try to make the best choices I can and try to steer myself toward my ending of choice.  I just hope that I really am making the right decisions and that my story has a happy ending.

Pause Please

I am a mess again.  Frazzled.  I need to find a "pause" button.  Or at the very least a "slow-motion" button.  Things are moving too quickly and not in a direction I had hoped them to go in.  Major decisions are being made about the lives and futures of myself and my family, yet I feel I'm not really a part of it.  My attempts at discussion were discarded and now I have no idea what is going on.  I guess I'll find out one way or another soon enough. 

And then, I think, I really will need to press "pause"...

Success Story

I am a very happy girl right now.  Hard to believe, I know, but true.  Funny how success does that...

Some might say it's a bit premature to call my business venture a success so soon, but I don't think so.  Every success, no matter how small, is worthy of being deemed as such.  For me, that means that I count every person I help as a success for both me and my business.

Today I had my first real client.  I say "real" because he was a) someone I didn't know and b) he paid me.  He came to me from one of the other therapists I share my office with and, although he knew very little about reiki, he wanted to give it a try.  He'd had a stubborn pain in his hip/lower back that radiated down to his knee.  He'd had this pain for some time and had tried many other therapies but without success.  He was skeptical about reiki but was open to trying anything that might help.  We had a one-hour session -- and he walked out pain-free!  I had also put him to sleep on my table, so he was very relaxed when he left.

But, wait, there's more!  He was so pleased with what I'd done that he booked another appointment to come back next week!  I am SO happy!

I'm ecstatic because I was able to help someone feel better.  It's a great feeling and the reason why I do what I do.

It's also pretty cool when those people pay me and want to come back for more.

So, no, one client isn't going to make me a successful business owner, but it will help that client lead a better life.  Hopefully he'll recommend me and help make my business a success, which ultimately means I'll get to help a lot of people and we'll all be happy.

Melodic Musings

Last night I went to another concert.  It was a completely different experience than the last one, despite being at the same venue.  The last concert was loud and boisterous.  This one was quiet and calm but still enjoyable.

It would have been even more enjoyable had I worn different shoes.  What seemed like a good idea when I left the house didn't stay that way after standing for 3 hours.  While I did appreciate the height advantage the 4-inch heels afforded me, I did not welcome the pain.  It was so distracting that I eventually ended up taking the shoes off and watching the end of the concert barefoot so I could pay attention to the music.

Which was lovely.  Both the opener and the headliner were guitar-playing singer-songwriters, with very pure, melodic voices.

The crowd, as always, was interesting and very diverse.  The concert-goers ranged in age from about 4 to 64, although most of them were college-aged.  Also, a good portion of the audience was Asian (I'm guessing because the headlining singer is part Asian...).  There were a ton of happy couples and at one point I found myself surrounded by them: one couple to my left with their arms around each other who couldn't stop kissing, another affectionate lesbian couple to my right and a couple comprising a very short deaf woman and a fairly large, tall not-deaf man behind me.  In fact, everywhere I looked there were cozy couples, which emphasized the fact that I was there alone.  I was hoping to bump into someone I knew - it happened at the last concert, so not completely unrealistic - but sadly, no such luck.

It was an enjoyable night nonetheless.  It's always good to get out and always good to hear live music.  I have no concrete plans at the moment but there is one concert in particular that I'm considering going to at the end of June.  It's a raucous punk band and they're playing a small club so it should be a fun show.  In any case, I am enjoying my rediscovery of the concert scene and I am very grateful for the opportunity to do more of it.

Unwinding

I had an unusual experience today.  I was sitting on the edge of my bed, staring vapidly into my closet, trying to decide what to wear, when I noticed that my torso was moving - of its own accord - in small counterclockwise circles.  The movement was not something I was controlling but it was strangely comforting so I decided to go with it.  I circled for a good 2 or 3 minutes and then stopped, just as suddenly as I had begun. 

The experience immediately made me think of a technique we learned in massage school called unwinding.  This was not at all the same form of physical unwinding that we learned but it felt to me like a form of energetic unwinding.  I wasn't really sure what it was that I had experienced, but I knew it was something good.

I immediately felt a shift and I've noticed an improvement in both my mood and my energy level throughout the day.  I have been fairly seriously depressed for the last few weeks and have been having a hard time coming out of it.  Right now, I can honestly say I haven't felt this good in weeks -- perhaps months.  I can't possibly explain how much brighter and more energetic I feel.  It's as if someone plugged me in this morning and I've been recharging all day, slowly gaining energy and the ability to function normally. 

I am looking forward to tomorrow, not just because it promises to be busy with volunteering at school during the day and going to a concert tomorrow night, but because I feel like I might actually be part of the action.  I might even enjoy what I'm doing, rather than just going through the motions. 

Needless to say, I am beyond thrilled with this unexpected upward turn in my well-being. I can only hope that it stays like this for a while...

Sad Day

In the last 24 hours I've learned about the deaths of two very loving women and it saddens me that their lights have gone out.  Both were ill, so it was not a huge shock, but it is still hard to comprehend how life will carry on without them, especially for their families.

Last night we found out that our friend and realtor, A, died.  We're not sure when but presumably a few weeks ago.  Unfortunately, we were left out of the loop when she passed and were unable to attend funeral services.  It was only because my husband was worried that he'd been unable to reach her for so long that he finally called a colleague of hers and heard the news.  This lady was the first person we met when we moved to Michigan.  She was not only our realtor, but took us all under her wing and made sure we settled in well.  She became "Grammalene" to our children and came to their birthday parties.  She fed our cat when we went on holiday.  She came over for dinner.  All of this became less frequent as her health declined but as my husband also had a continuous business relationship with her, they remained close.  She was a kind and generous woman with a weak spot for stray cats who always did what she could to help others. 

This morning I learned that the mother of one of my oldest friends passed away last night after a battle with ovarian cancer.  I've known this lady over half of my life, since J & I met in grade 9.  Although he & I don't talk often, I still consider him one of my dearest friends.  His mom was always warm and loving.  She always had a huge smile and a hug for anyone who walked in the door.  I didn't spend much time at their house, but I always felt like family when I was there and she was always happy to see me, even if I stopped by unannounced (as I often did).  She loved her kids more than anything and doted on her grandsons.  She'd been through a lot over the years and it finally seemed like she'd come out on top.  I knew about her cancer diagnosis but I didn't know how sick she had become.  Stupid cancer.  Always taking those we love from us far too soon.

Today I am sad.  I wish things like this didn't happen and I wish I lived closer to my friends so that I could be there for them.  I know there's nothing I can do to change what happened but I also know that a hug and a little bit of love can go a long way.  For now, though, I'll have to be content with sending good loving thoughts from afar. 

If you wouldn't mind, could you send a few good thoughts my way, too?

Today's The Day

D-day.  Deadline day.  The last day our immigration attorney can start with green card applications and allow us to stay in the country uninterrupted.  Given the fact that my husband still doesn't have a local work contract in place, it looks like we've missed the deadline.  At this point I have no idea what that means for us and my head is swimming with multiple scenarios.  I don't know if this means we've lost all hope of ever getting green cards or if it just means it won't run as smoothly.  I don't know if it means that we'll have to leave the country in 3 months.  I don't know if leaving the country then will be temporary or permanent.  I don't know anything.

I do know that I'm fairly pissed at my husband's company for dragging the whole local contract thing out.  They have known for the last year what's going on and certainly for the last six months they've known that there is a critical time component.  I guess they're assuming he's desperate and will take whatever crap offer they give him in order to stay here.  But he's not that desperate and he's not going to sell himself short.  He has saved the company millions of dollars in operating costs over the past few years and he is in a position now to save them even more yet they want to quibble over his very reasonable - and deserved - salary requests.  The whole thing is just ridiculous.

And because of that, they are very likely going to uproot an entire family and squash all my hopes and dreams.

At this point I might even be able to live with that if I just knew for certain what to plan for.  It's the uncertainty that's killing me right now.  When we told a friend the other day what was going on, she wondered how we do it.  Well, I don't.  I really am not doing it.  I'm pretending that I can handle it and I go through each day pretending that things are normal.  But they're not normal and I really don't know how to deal with it other than cry.  Which doesn't really help but there's not much else I can do.

I got a prescription for antidepressents the other day.  I know I said in a previous post that I wasn't going to.  I'm still not pleased about going this route, but as I said, something had to change.  I'm hoping they'll kick in soon and help me cope with all of this.  But maybe that's expecting too much of one little pill. 

What I'm really hoping for is a few answers and some certainty about my future, like whether we'll have to leave the country in a few months.  That's not too much to ask, is it?

WoW!

Last night I played World of Warcraft for the first time in months.   I haven't been playing long & I don't play often, but until now, the breaks had been much shorter.  The long hiatus was due in part to the fact that the last two times I had played, I had spent the whole time wandering around vainly trying to locate a cave.  Forget about trying to kill Ursal the Mauler -- I couldn't even find him!  So I stopped trying.  Last night, for whatever reason (perhaps due to having watched all 5 seasons of The Guild in a day) I decided to try again.  I could have given up on the quest and picked up another one but I'm one of those people who like to finish what they start.  So I went looking for Ursal's cave.  Again.  And found it!

However, to get to Ursal, I first had to get past 20 or so other creatures on the trail to the cave and he had a bodyguard so there were plenty of fights on the way there.  They didn't all go well.  I probably died about 8 times.  By this point I was incredibly frustrated and seriously considered giving up.  But I was so close and I was improving, learning new tricks and tactics and opitmizing my spells.  So, I decided to give it one last go -- and did it!  I killed Ursal and got some pretty good loot as well.  I also levelled up and got a great reward for completing the quest (new clothes!).  I'd also made quite a bit of cash on the way there and was finally able to learn how to morph into cat form and learn some new spells.  As a result of doing one little thing, I got rewarded all around.  It was awesome!

I ended up feeling very accomplished and pleased with myself, which is not a feeling I'm very familiar with.  I'd already had a fairly productive day (by my standards), having built some Ikea furniture and moved it into my new office space.  Oddly enough, I felt better about myself after having completed a WoW quest than I did after having made a more concrete, positive effort in my real life.  I'm not really sure what that says about me or my life.  It could mean that I should play WoW more often or it could just mean that I should take a step back, relax and try to have some fun a little more often.  Maybe I should try to do both.

The Way Out

My therapist said that there's a theory that depression is repressed anger or anger turned inwards.  In my case, I think that's very close to the truth.  There are also other reasons for depression, such as when it comes as a reaction to a situation/loss or when it is caused by learned helplessness.  I've got it coming at me from all those angles, which makes it incredibly difficult to surmount.  I've not only got to change the way that I think and feel but also the way that I behave.

Some of my depression is due to having lived (and still living) in a depressive environment, in which 'verbal and nonverbal exchanges take place daily ... and stir up in the vulnerable individual a loss of self-esteem, guilt, inexpressible anger and a sense of not being understood' (Flach, 1975).  This means that, if I am going to stay and be healthy, those in my environment will also have to change their ways.

I've toyed with the idea of medical antidepressants.  I take an herbal one, but I am loathe to take anything prescriptive partly because I don't like taking medicine and partly because the thought of it scares me.  I'm scared of starting and never stopping and I'm scared of the drugs dulling my senses.  So much of my (new) career is dependent upon my being able to feel and sense energy that even a slight change in how I perceive things could have huge repercussions.  Also, while the drugs may help me to function better on some days, they are really only a mask and will do nothing to change the root cause of the depression.  If I am placated into feeling better, where will the motivation be to make those changes?

So I will continue to tough it out and try to make small and steady strides forward.  It's not easy.  It's not easy to overcome a lifetime of burying my emotions and repressing my anger.  It's not easy to believe that I am not helpless when so much of what goes on in my life really is beyond my control.  It's not easy to regain the self-esteem and self-confidence I had before it was slowly eroded by 14 years of emotional abuse.  It's not easy to change those around me and how I react to them after so many years of deeply ingrained responses.

It's not easy but I have to keep trying, because it's the only way out.