The Way Out

My therapist said that there's a theory that depression is repressed anger or anger turned inwards.  In my case, I think that's very close to the truth.  There are also other reasons for depression, such as when it comes as a reaction to a situation/loss or when it is caused by learned helplessness.  I've got it coming at me from all those angles, which makes it incredibly difficult to surmount.  I've not only got to change the way that I think and feel but also the way that I behave.

Some of my depression is due to having lived (and still living) in a depressive environment, in which 'verbal and nonverbal exchanges take place daily ... and stir up in the vulnerable individual a loss of self-esteem, guilt, inexpressible anger and a sense of not being understood' (Flach, 1975).  This means that, if I am going to stay and be healthy, those in my environment will also have to change their ways.

I've toyed with the idea of medical antidepressants.  I take an herbal one, but I am loathe to take anything prescriptive partly because I don't like taking medicine and partly because the thought of it scares me.  I'm scared of starting and never stopping and I'm scared of the drugs dulling my senses.  So much of my (new) career is dependent upon my being able to feel and sense energy that even a slight change in how I perceive things could have huge repercussions.  Also, while the drugs may help me to function better on some days, they are really only a mask and will do nothing to change the root cause of the depression.  If I am placated into feeling better, where will the motivation be to make those changes?

So I will continue to tough it out and try to make small and steady strides forward.  It's not easy.  It's not easy to overcome a lifetime of burying my emotions and repressing my anger.  It's not easy to believe that I am not helpless when so much of what goes on in my life really is beyond my control.  It's not easy to regain the self-esteem and self-confidence I had before it was slowly eroded by 14 years of emotional abuse.  It's not easy to change those around me and how I react to them after so many years of deeply ingrained responses.

It's not easy but I have to keep trying, because it's the only way out.