Reflections

I've been spending a lot of time over the past few days thinking.  In particular, I've been looking back on the past 6 months and trying to figure out what, if anything, in my life has changed.  I haven't come to any real conclusions yet but for the most part, it's quite depressing.  I feel like more should have happened, changed, been accomplished, especially in a positive manner/direction.  It's a significant amount of time, I think, to allow for some momentum to build up.  (And maybe it has but it's just building so slowly that it will take much longer for me to notice its effect.)

So far, this is my summary of the past half year:

• I'm still trapped in an unhappy marriage, knowing that I can't leave and that I'm afraid to leave.  (And as long as I can't leave, there's really no point in deliberating upon whether I should/could.)
• I'm still miles away from being the strong, independent, happy, fulfilled person I want to be.
• I have made some progress on the career front: I am currently moving into my own space & hope to have my own reiki/massage practice up & running full-time by the beginning of May. 
• There hasn't been much movement on the green card front.  We are quickly running out of time and I am completely terrified that it won't happen and that my whole life will be upended (even more than it already is, if that's possible).
• My ________ has had a recurrence of cancer.  She's doing chemo again but I really have no idea what her prognosis is.  I think it's much worse than she's letting on.
• My mother is losing her marbles. My sister, my father and I now have to figure out how to get her tested despite the fact that she thinks she's fine.
• My kids are most of the way through a very successful school year.  They are doing well, they are happy, healthy and enjoying life to the best of their abilities.
• I am carrying a huge load of emotional baggage (see above) and I have no one to help ease the burden.  I miss having good, reliable, reciprocal friends close at hand.

Not a day goes by that I don't worry about something monumental and life-changing: my marriage, my immigration status, my ability to earn a living, my ability to be true to myself and live the life I want to live, the premature death of someone very close to me, the mental stability of my mother, my kids & how all of this is affecting them...

So, really, not much has changed and, in fact, things have actually gotten quite a bit worse in the sense that I now have even more on my plate to deal with.  I do what I can but I feel like I'm grasping at straws, clinging to whatever tiny little rays of hope and happiness I can find.  They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger so I figure if I make it through the next 6 months relatively sane & intact, I'm going to call it a win.