It Never Ends

I've been having a rough week. It's been physically and emotionally stressful. I've been recovering from minor surgery, which in itself has gone quite well but being less active and more restricted seems to have added to the emotional upheaval. The emotional mess has been caused by so many things I haven't even been able to sort it out fully -- and today more was added.

Here are a few causes of this week's stress that I've been able to identify:

1. The surgery & recovery itself. I had a tubal ligation, which is minor but it is abdominal surgery and takes some time to mend.
2. The reasons for the surgery. I elected to have this surgery for a number of reasons but partly so that if my husband ever decided to have sex with me without my knowledge/consent again, I will have one less thing to worry about. No one should have to list this as a reason.
3. I am alone. I had my best friend spend the day with me on the day of the procedure but once I was back home, she had her own family to take care of. Yes, I was fine. Yes, I can do things on my own. But sometimes it would be really nice to have someone here to take care of me so that I don't have to do it all alone and to have someone to hold me when I'm not feeling strong. 
4. My husband's cousin died this week from cancer. I didn't know him well but he left a wife and 2 teenaged kids behind. 
5. His death brought up grief from my sister. Again. It hasn't been horrible, but it's been hanging over me and weighing me down.
6. My uncle had a heart attack and likely won't come out of the hospital. I am now anticipating news of his death, which is causing my mind to replay the moment my brother-in-law called to tell me my sister had died. Over and over again.

I am so tired of having people die all around me all the time. Shall I summarize the past year (and a bit) for you, in case you haven't been keeping track?

• December 2012: my cousin, Beth, died. Age 54.
• June 2013: my uncle, Leo, died. Age 80-something.
• September 2013: my sister, Joan, died. Age 44.
• December 2013: family friend, Elouise, died. Age 44.
• January 2014: cousin-in-law, Joost, died. Age mid-40's.

I can't take much more of this. Seriously.

The worst part is that I haven't had much of anything positive going on to balance all this negativity. I'm still in a marriage I don't want to be in with no sign of that changing anytime soon. I still have no job, no clients and therefore no money of my own. I have no friends here to go out with to have a beer or go dancing with or do whatever with to forget about my worries for a while. You know, if I could actually ever go out without worrying about leaving my kids at home alone.

Yes, I know I'm supposed to focus on the positive and not dwell on the negative. It's just really, really hard to do that sometimes.