Fear Revisited

Earlier today, my husband tried to touch me and I was afraid. The gesture was innocent enough but I can't deny how it made me feel. Nor can I deny that feeling that way has been a stark reminder of the fucked up situation I am in - and have been in - for years. I am trapped in a marriage and a life I don't want to be in and I can see no way out. I fear that by the time I do find a way out, I will be irrevocably damaged.

I am, of course, already damaged. Having been in this situation for years already has done a tremendous amount of harm that I have been trying to fix, particularly over the past year or two. A small part of me clings to the hope that by then end of it all - if it ever does actually end - I will actually be stronger. You know the old adage: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Unfortunately, tonight it feels more like it's going to kill me.

I don't want to continue to be in a marriage in which I am afraid of my husband. I've been afraid of him for years to varying degrees and for various (emotional and physical) reasons. This changes and fluctuates over time but remains ever present. Unfortunately, there is no way out. The reasons for this are also varied and change over time but the situation remains constant: I am trapped. I am trapped by my husband and by circumstances beyond my control. No matter which way I turn, I can see no escape.

Although it has been this way for years, concrete reminders such as the one I had today, are never enjoyable. I spent hours today in tears of frustration, anger, and hopelessness. The tears won't change anything, I know, but right now crying is all I can do.

The past five years have been an emotional roller coaster. This past year has sucked exponentially in so many ways. It's been emotionally overwhelming and devastating. As the year comes to a close, I feel like I am at the end of my emotional rope. (I have spent two days in tears this week alone.) For the past few years I've thought that things would have to start improving but to my dismay, they have continued to get worse. Something has got to turn around soon, doesn't it? Astrology works in 7-year cycles, meaning I've got another 2 years left in this one. I have no idea how I'm going to get through it. I have no idea how I'm going to get out of this marriage, this life and this misery. I know what I want -- I just need the Universe to help me get there. Please.