Last night I got inspired to so some more unpacking and ended up working on my reiki (& massage) room. It didn't take very long and soon enough I had my space all set up, except for a few things that need to get hung on the walls. It looks great and I am happy to have my little space established.
Unfortunately, it reminded me how much I miss my practice and how much I miss doing reiki. I even miss giving massages to a certain, albeit lesser, extent.
On the weekend, when we were visiting in Michigan, I was able to pop by a Reiki 1 class and help with attunements. That, combined with my now useable space, has me aching to be able to do reiki again. So much so, that today part of me has been saying, "Screw looking for a real job, just start a new reiki practice!" If only it were that simple!!
But perhaps this is what I need to get me motivated to seek out other, like-minded individuals. I checked out a couple of places in my neighbourhood last week but didn't find much. Since then I've done some research and I have a few more places to investigate. Wish me luck that I find what I'm looking for...
Wednesday 26 September 2012
Tuesday 25 September 2012
Stupid Cancer, Part 7
If there's one thing I've learned about cancer, it's that it's unpredictable. You never know who it's going to hit, or how and you certainly never know how their treatment will go or how the cancer will react to said treatment. It's a crap shoot.
The newest development is that the 9 rounds of chemo my sister had did its job to minimize the cancer that the doctors knew she had. Unfortunately, even though that all went well, she somehow developed a couple of new tumours in a new place and will now begin 8 rounds of radiation. It seems as soon as they get the cancer under control in one area, it pops up somewhere else. It is so incredibly frustrating!
My father is still doing well. He has recovered well enough from his surgery that he has regained his appetite, although the site of the colostomy bag is still tender. He's had a few rounds of chemo, which he's tolerating quite well so far. Fingers crossed that fatigue will be the worst of his symptoms.
I'm not really sure where all this has left me. The newest development in my sister's health is definitely not good news but I've had so much it, I think I'm almost becoming numb to it all. This particular diagnosis was almost expected (by me, based on a few symptoms I'd observed the last time I'd visited) but it doesn't change the fact that it sucks. Nor does it change the fact that this will likely not be the last piece of bad news I will receive, be it about her or my father. It will probably get worse before it gets better. Or maybe it'll just continue to get worse.
While all of us try to continue our lives as normally as we can, sometimes it hits me more than others that my family is not in a normal situation right now. For example, Thanksgiving is coming up in a week and a half. I would like nothing more than to host my family at my house because a) I'm the one most able to handle the stress of preparing a big meal and b) I have room for everyone and c) I have a new house I'd like them all to see. Unfortunately, my father and my sister will not be in any shape to travel (Dad especially) so we'll be visiting them instead. Which is ok and I am happy that we'll be able to get together. I'll just have to wait and hope that someday (Christmas? Easter?) I'll be able to have everyone gather in my home.
Otherwise, there's nothing exciting going on, as much as I wish otherwise. I am bored and lonely. The job search has still not produced a job. I have decided that if nothing has come up in the next couple of weeks, I'll contact a temp agency and see if I can at least get some work that way. I'm not exactly sure how to amp up my social life, but I'll continue to look.
I've realized that I really, really miss being surrounded by my reiki & holistic health people. I had a visit from my chiropractor friend last week and stopped by a reiki class to help with attunements when we were in Michigan on the weekend and it was awesome. I need to find some kindred spirits here -- I'm just not sure where or how. But I will work on it and, with any luck, something will come of it.
I did, at least, meet a few people last night at a book club my bestie took me to. Unfortunately, most of the women there are lawyers and social workers. I'm not going to turn down trying to get to know them, but I don't foresee that I have a lot in common with most of these women. I did pick up some good energy off a couple of them, tho, so I will try to get to know them better at the next meeting. You never know...
So, in a nutshell, things could be better. But I'm not drowning and I'm trying to make things better as best I can, which is all I can do. I just hope my strength holds up.
The newest development is that the 9 rounds of chemo my sister had did its job to minimize the cancer that the doctors knew she had. Unfortunately, even though that all went well, she somehow developed a couple of new tumours in a new place and will now begin 8 rounds of radiation. It seems as soon as they get the cancer under control in one area, it pops up somewhere else. It is so incredibly frustrating!
My father is still doing well. He has recovered well enough from his surgery that he has regained his appetite, although the site of the colostomy bag is still tender. He's had a few rounds of chemo, which he's tolerating quite well so far. Fingers crossed that fatigue will be the worst of his symptoms.
I'm not really sure where all this has left me. The newest development in my sister's health is definitely not good news but I've had so much it, I think I'm almost becoming numb to it all. This particular diagnosis was almost expected (by me, based on a few symptoms I'd observed the last time I'd visited) but it doesn't change the fact that it sucks. Nor does it change the fact that this will likely not be the last piece of bad news I will receive, be it about her or my father. It will probably get worse before it gets better. Or maybe it'll just continue to get worse.
While all of us try to continue our lives as normally as we can, sometimes it hits me more than others that my family is not in a normal situation right now. For example, Thanksgiving is coming up in a week and a half. I would like nothing more than to host my family at my house because a) I'm the one most able to handle the stress of preparing a big meal and b) I have room for everyone and c) I have a new house I'd like them all to see. Unfortunately, my father and my sister will not be in any shape to travel (Dad especially) so we'll be visiting them instead. Which is ok and I am happy that we'll be able to get together. I'll just have to wait and hope that someday (Christmas? Easter?) I'll be able to have everyone gather in my home.
Otherwise, there's nothing exciting going on, as much as I wish otherwise. I am bored and lonely. The job search has still not produced a job. I have decided that if nothing has come up in the next couple of weeks, I'll contact a temp agency and see if I can at least get some work that way. I'm not exactly sure how to amp up my social life, but I'll continue to look.
I've realized that I really, really miss being surrounded by my reiki & holistic health people. I had a visit from my chiropractor friend last week and stopped by a reiki class to help with attunements when we were in Michigan on the weekend and it was awesome. I need to find some kindred spirits here -- I'm just not sure where or how. But I will work on it and, with any luck, something will come of it.
I did, at least, meet a few people last night at a book club my bestie took me to. Unfortunately, most of the women there are lawyers and social workers. I'm not going to turn down trying to get to know them, but I don't foresee that I have a lot in common with most of these women. I did pick up some good energy off a couple of them, tho, so I will try to get to know them better at the next meeting. You never know...
So, in a nutshell, things could be better. But I'm not drowning and I'm trying to make things better as best I can, which is all I can do. I just hope my strength holds up.
Monday 17 September 2012
Revelations
First of all, let me just say I'm in a better mood today. A good night's sleep and a new day are always good motivators. I didn't do a LOT today but enough that I felt like I got something done, which is so much.
I realized later last night that a lot of what I was feeling had to do with my lack of purpose. I spent the past two years educating myself and trying to build a life and a career centred around reiki, massage and holistic wellness. For the first time in a long time, I was doing something I loved to do. I was beginning to feel like Me. I was beginning to make a difference in other people's lives. I was finally headed in the right direction and it felt really good. And then it was all taken away from me and I have been left with NOTHING. Not only did I lose my fledgling practice but I am no longer in a position in which I can afford to commit all my time to building up another one. I think now that I've been away from it for so long, I am finally starting to realize how much I miss what I had. I am angry, sad and empty.
Today I had a bit of a revelation. It's something that has been bugging me for a while. In everything I've read on emotional abuse, it suggests that the recipient of the abuse (ie. me) generally learns this model of behaviour earlier in life and is therefore more accepting of it in later relationships. I have been trying to figure out where I would have learned to accept such behaviour and have always come up with nothing. I know my family has flaws but nothing that fits the pattern. Then, after talking with my husband about his visit with the family I used to nanny for, it hit me: it was them. I lived with them for 2.5 years after graduating from University. They were friends, mentors and parents all rolled into one. While they praised me for being a super nanny and a great cook, I always felt that I could never do anything good or worthy enough in my personal life to please them. None of my goals or career plans or dreams ever seemed to meet their lofty standards. I met my husband while I was living with them so the fact that he has the same high, exacting standards likely felt comfortable to me because that is what I had grown used to.
Even now - 15 years later - it's the same story. My husband relayed a conversation they had had about me in which it seems that I still have not chosen the right field in which to excel. The difference now is that, despite his credentials and his success, it's Me who gets to decide what I'm good at. And if he doesn't approve he can go fuck himself!
I'm taking this anger as a good sign: good that I'm feeling it and good that I'm expressing it (indirectly, but still...). It at least gives me some glimmer of hope that I'm making progress, not only in owning my anger but in standing up for myself and who I am, even if I'm the only one who knows I'm doing it.
I realized later last night that a lot of what I was feeling had to do with my lack of purpose. I spent the past two years educating myself and trying to build a life and a career centred around reiki, massage and holistic wellness. For the first time in a long time, I was doing something I loved to do. I was beginning to feel like Me. I was beginning to make a difference in other people's lives. I was finally headed in the right direction and it felt really good. And then it was all taken away from me and I have been left with NOTHING. Not only did I lose my fledgling practice but I am no longer in a position in which I can afford to commit all my time to building up another one. I think now that I've been away from it for so long, I am finally starting to realize how much I miss what I had. I am angry, sad and empty.
Today I had a bit of a revelation. It's something that has been bugging me for a while. In everything I've read on emotional abuse, it suggests that the recipient of the abuse (ie. me) generally learns this model of behaviour earlier in life and is therefore more accepting of it in later relationships. I have been trying to figure out where I would have learned to accept such behaviour and have always come up with nothing. I know my family has flaws but nothing that fits the pattern. Then, after talking with my husband about his visit with the family I used to nanny for, it hit me: it was them. I lived with them for 2.5 years after graduating from University. They were friends, mentors and parents all rolled into one. While they praised me for being a super nanny and a great cook, I always felt that I could never do anything good or worthy enough in my personal life to please them. None of my goals or career plans or dreams ever seemed to meet their lofty standards. I met my husband while I was living with them so the fact that he has the same high, exacting standards likely felt comfortable to me because that is what I had grown used to.
Even now - 15 years later - it's the same story. My husband relayed a conversation they had had about me in which it seems that I still have not chosen the right field in which to excel. The difference now is that, despite his credentials and his success, it's Me who gets to decide what I'm good at. And if he doesn't approve he can go fuck himself!
I'm taking this anger as a good sign: good that I'm feeling it and good that I'm expressing it (indirectly, but still...). It at least gives me some glimmer of hope that I'm making progress, not only in owning my anger but in standing up for myself and who I am, even if I'm the only one who knows I'm doing it.
Saturday 15 September 2012
Stuck in the Mud
I am sinking. Deeper and faster every day, today being the worst. So far. I don't like being here so I'm hoping I'll be able to pull myself out tomorrow.
Partly it's my fault for being so weak. I was unable to motivate myself to do anything all day (other than bake cookies with my daughter). I spent far too long in bed, got lost in thought a number of times, didn't accomplish anything so tonight I'm feeling completely miserable. If I could just push myself harder and actually start something - anything - I would hit a groove and get quite a bit done. But I just couldn't do it today. I don't know if I'm being too hard on myself or not but either way, I know I should do more.
I think part of my lack of motivation is coming from my current situation and the fact that I am alone in a new city. No job, no friends - I could probably disappear and no one but my children would notice. My children, speaking of them, have gotten very self-sufficient and don't need me to do much more than remind them of the time a couple of hours a day and feed them. It's great that they are getting older and maturing, but it really doesn't help me feel any more essential.
The fact that I haven't been able to find a job also isn't doing much for my self-esteem. Every time I look at the want ads, I am reminded that I am not qualified to do anything (that will bring me a regular income). I apply for jobs and hope against hope that I will get a call, even though I know that I'm not nearly as qualified as I should be and that I don't represent well on paper. It's discouraging and deflating.
I try to stay optimistic and patient and I know that soon enough things will improve. I will get a job and I will make friends. Some day I will feel less invisible and I will have a purpose and a goal. I just don't like floundering like this in the meantime and I need a bit more strength than I seem to have to make it through.
Partly it's my fault for being so weak. I was unable to motivate myself to do anything all day (other than bake cookies with my daughter). I spent far too long in bed, got lost in thought a number of times, didn't accomplish anything so tonight I'm feeling completely miserable. If I could just push myself harder and actually start something - anything - I would hit a groove and get quite a bit done. But I just couldn't do it today. I don't know if I'm being too hard on myself or not but either way, I know I should do more.
I think part of my lack of motivation is coming from my current situation and the fact that I am alone in a new city. No job, no friends - I could probably disappear and no one but my children would notice. My children, speaking of them, have gotten very self-sufficient and don't need me to do much more than remind them of the time a couple of hours a day and feed them. It's great that they are getting older and maturing, but it really doesn't help me feel any more essential.
The fact that I haven't been able to find a job also isn't doing much for my self-esteem. Every time I look at the want ads, I am reminded that I am not qualified to do anything (that will bring me a regular income). I apply for jobs and hope against hope that I will get a call, even though I know that I'm not nearly as qualified as I should be and that I don't represent well on paper. It's discouraging and deflating.
I try to stay optimistic and patient and I know that soon enough things will improve. I will get a job and I will make friends. Some day I will feel less invisible and I will have a purpose and a goal. I just don't like floundering like this in the meantime and I need a bit more strength than I seem to have to make it through.
Monday 10 September 2012
One of Those Days
I don't know why - maybe it's because it's a Monday; maybe it's because I'm overly tired; maybe it's because of nothing at all - but this has been one of those days where nothing seems to go quite right. None of it was major but the accumulation of little things has got me wanting this day to be over so I can start fresh tomorrow, hopefully with better results.
Here's the list of what happened:
- left late for my son's orthodontist appointment
- got 3/4 of the way there only to discover the road is blocked off with police/fire/rescue and a helicopter is circling overhead (later discovered there was a police standoff there and an officer had been killed. Horrible!) so had to make a huge detour
- arrived at the orthodontist about the time I'd been hoping to leave, putting me 20 minutes behind schedule
- left the orthodontist in good time but, because the road was closed, decided to drive a different way. My GPS was annoying me so I turned it off, thinking I knew the way. In theory I did but I got messed up somehow when the one highway split into 3 and ended up on the wrong one going in completely the wrong direction
- finally got myself reoriented and back on the right highway but I've now lost another 20 minutes
- drive like a speed demon in order to get home in time to feed the children and have them make it back to school in time for the second half of the day, which I manage but also get a phone call as I'm already stressed out trying to get them out the door
- decide to go to the store to pick up a few things, namely sketching pencils and a cheap external computer microphone. Store #1: no luck (but picked up millet sticks for the birds & some batteries for the daughter's keyboard), Store #2: found the pencils but no microphone, waited in line for 10 minutes & didn't move at all so finally found an express line and was able to check out, Store #3: really expensive microphones, Store #4: finally find an affordable microphone & buy it
- get halfway to my car in the parking lot & hear someone yelling "Ma'am!". I turn & the cashier hands me my debit card, which I'd left at her counter.
- get home & can't get my computer's speakers, mic or webcam to work. Finally get the speakers & mic configured but there seems to be issues with my webcam
*Sigh*
All this after a fairly nice weekend away. The kids got lots of social time in with their friends and I treated myself to a movie and enjoyed some quiet time (in addition to all the chauffeuring). Next time we visit, I'll make sure I plan ahead so I can see some of my friends too.
I guess the nice thing is that even though I've had a less than perfect day, my spirits are still buoyant and I haven't let all the crappy events of today bring me down. It's kind of encouraging to realize that I can have an off day without it taking over my whole world.
Here's the list of what happened:
- left late for my son's orthodontist appointment
- got 3/4 of the way there only to discover the road is blocked off with police/fire/rescue and a helicopter is circling overhead (later discovered there was a police standoff there and an officer had been killed. Horrible!) so had to make a huge detour
- arrived at the orthodontist about the time I'd been hoping to leave, putting me 20 minutes behind schedule
- left the orthodontist in good time but, because the road was closed, decided to drive a different way. My GPS was annoying me so I turned it off, thinking I knew the way. In theory I did but I got messed up somehow when the one highway split into 3 and ended up on the wrong one going in completely the wrong direction
- finally got myself reoriented and back on the right highway but I've now lost another 20 minutes
- drive like a speed demon in order to get home in time to feed the children and have them make it back to school in time for the second half of the day, which I manage but also get a phone call as I'm already stressed out trying to get them out the door
- decide to go to the store to pick up a few things, namely sketching pencils and a cheap external computer microphone. Store #1: no luck (but picked up millet sticks for the birds & some batteries for the daughter's keyboard), Store #2: found the pencils but no microphone, waited in line for 10 minutes & didn't move at all so finally found an express line and was able to check out, Store #3: really expensive microphones, Store #4: finally find an affordable microphone & buy it
- get halfway to my car in the parking lot & hear someone yelling "Ma'am!". I turn & the cashier hands me my debit card, which I'd left at her counter.
- get home & can't get my computer's speakers, mic or webcam to work. Finally get the speakers & mic configured but there seems to be issues with my webcam
*Sigh*
All this after a fairly nice weekend away. The kids got lots of social time in with their friends and I treated myself to a movie and enjoyed some quiet time (in addition to all the chauffeuring). Next time we visit, I'll make sure I plan ahead so I can see some of my friends too.
I guess the nice thing is that even though I've had a less than perfect day, my spirits are still buoyant and I haven't let all the crappy events of today bring me down. It's kind of encouraging to realize that I can have an off day without it taking over my whole world.
Thursday 6 September 2012
Fingers Crossed
I applied for a job today. A good job. A really good job. It's everything I've been looking for and I really, really want it. All the other jobs I've applied to thus far would have been ok; a good place to start; better than nothing. But this job is in a different class: it's a great place to start and I think it even has job/career growth potential. I have no idea if I have enough qualifications but I think I have a couple of things that might work in my favour. So cross your fingers for me that the hiring people see my potential and give me a chance.
Time is Fleeting
Luckily, no madness taking control... yet.
My goal for this week was to unpack. Here it is Thursday already & I haven't touched a single box. *Sigh*. Somehow Life has managed to take over and keeps distracting me from the unpacking/organizing/tidying up that really, really needs to happen. I have one small errand to run this morning and then I absolutely must get to work. I'll crank some tuneage and do as much as I can. Yes, really.
Because it seems we're going away for the weekend (again) so I really do need to get something done before I lose another couple of days. I do enjoy going away - not so much that the cat has taken to pooping *beside* his litter box while we're gone - but it does leave less time at home to be productive.
I would really like to have all the boxes gone by the end of next week. I think that's realistic. Then, of course, there's still organizing and hanging pictures and whatnot to follow. If we had some extra money, I'd probably start painting, too, but we don't so that will have to wait. Gives me time to figure out a colour scheme, I guess.
Now, I must leave this and take advantage of the time I have left in the day...
My goal for this week was to unpack. Here it is Thursday already & I haven't touched a single box. *Sigh*. Somehow Life has managed to take over and keeps distracting me from the unpacking/organizing/tidying up that really, really needs to happen. I have one small errand to run this morning and then I absolutely must get to work. I'll crank some tuneage and do as much as I can. Yes, really.
Because it seems we're going away for the weekend (again) so I really do need to get something done before I lose another couple of days. I do enjoy going away - not so much that the cat has taken to pooping *beside* his litter box while we're gone - but it does leave less time at home to be productive.
I would really like to have all the boxes gone by the end of next week. I think that's realistic. Then, of course, there's still organizing and hanging pictures and whatnot to follow. If we had some extra money, I'd probably start painting, too, but we don't so that will have to wait. Gives me time to figure out a colour scheme, I guess.
Now, I must leave this and take advantage of the time I have left in the day...
Tuesday 4 September 2012
September
... is upon us. This means another summer has passed and, again, it has passed without my being able to take advantage of it. Last summer I was studying for finals so didn't get to really go on holiday or take advantage of the fact that it was summer. This summer was occupied by the move and so I once again had to give up on vacations and all things summery. It sucks. Especially because I so need a vacation. This year has caused me nothing but stress and I've been completely unable to get away anywhere and destress.
I have at least tried to make the last week or two somewhat relaxing. We visited with some local friends, went to see friends in the old 'hood a couple of times and we spent a few days last week visiting with my family. The kids *love* hanging with their cousins so I made sure they could do as much of that as possible, while I also got to see my family and a couple friends of my own. I even managed to have a couple of beers, although it was lunchtime and I had to drive so couldn't indulge as much as I would have liked. Hopefully, now that we are close to friends and family on both sides of the border, we'll have much more opportunity to visit and have fairly regular mini-breaks.
Nonetheless, summer is over and school starts tomorrow. My kids are starting a new school again. This will be their fourth school each, although some of the transitions have been within the same school district allowing them to stay with their friends. Still, it's a lot of transitioning. At least my daughter has managed to stay at elementary school the whole time. My son went to two different elementary schools, then upper elementary, then middle school and he's now back at elementary school for a year before heading off to high school. It's a bit of a mess and not at all what I intended for my children. Luckily, they adapt well to change and I'm sure this won't cause too many difficulties for them.
The biggest adjustment has been to the idea that they skipped a grade with this move. Whether or not there is a difference in curriculum remains to be seen but the fact is that my daughter just went from fourth grade to grade six and my son went from sixth grade to grade eight. I don't think they'll have too much trouble academically as they are both bright children but the skip puts them even further behind in French, which will make it even more difficult to catch up. My daughter's biggest concern with skipping a grade is that if we ever move back to Michigan she won't be in the same grade as her friends. My son's biggest concern is that he now only has one more year before he starts high school, which is a big mental adjustment to make. Again, I know they'll be fine and soon enough I'm sure none of us will ever notice that anything unusual happened this year at all (except for the gap in the collection of school photos...).
As for me, I am planning to get back to unpacking as soon as the kids get back to school. I have quite a few other things to do this week as well (setting up accounts, paying bills, applying for health coverage, etc) so I will be busy. I also keep scanning the job postings in hopes that I might one day actually get a job. I apply every now and then but so far nothing has materialized. Maybe now that the kids are back in school, the universe will work with me and something will happen -- the way it's supposed to.
I have at least tried to make the last week or two somewhat relaxing. We visited with some local friends, went to see friends in the old 'hood a couple of times and we spent a few days last week visiting with my family. The kids *love* hanging with their cousins so I made sure they could do as much of that as possible, while I also got to see my family and a couple friends of my own. I even managed to have a couple of beers, although it was lunchtime and I had to drive so couldn't indulge as much as I would have liked. Hopefully, now that we are close to friends and family on both sides of the border, we'll have much more opportunity to visit and have fairly regular mini-breaks.
Nonetheless, summer is over and school starts tomorrow. My kids are starting a new school again. This will be their fourth school each, although some of the transitions have been within the same school district allowing them to stay with their friends. Still, it's a lot of transitioning. At least my daughter has managed to stay at elementary school the whole time. My son went to two different elementary schools, then upper elementary, then middle school and he's now back at elementary school for a year before heading off to high school. It's a bit of a mess and not at all what I intended for my children. Luckily, they adapt well to change and I'm sure this won't cause too many difficulties for them.
The biggest adjustment has been to the idea that they skipped a grade with this move. Whether or not there is a difference in curriculum remains to be seen but the fact is that my daughter just went from fourth grade to grade six and my son went from sixth grade to grade eight. I don't think they'll have too much trouble academically as they are both bright children but the skip puts them even further behind in French, which will make it even more difficult to catch up. My daughter's biggest concern with skipping a grade is that if we ever move back to Michigan she won't be in the same grade as her friends. My son's biggest concern is that he now only has one more year before he starts high school, which is a big mental adjustment to make. Again, I know they'll be fine and soon enough I'm sure none of us will ever notice that anything unusual happened this year at all (except for the gap in the collection of school photos...).
As for me, I am planning to get back to unpacking as soon as the kids get back to school. I have quite a few other things to do this week as well (setting up accounts, paying bills, applying for health coverage, etc) so I will be busy. I also keep scanning the job postings in hopes that I might one day actually get a job. I apply every now and then but so far nothing has materialized. Maybe now that the kids are back in school, the universe will work with me and something will happen -- the way it's supposed to.
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