It Never Ends

I've been having a rough week. It's been physically and emotionally stressful. I've been recovering from minor surgery, which in itself has gone quite well but being less active and more restricted seems to have added to the emotional upheaval. The emotional mess has been caused by so many things I haven't even been able to sort it out fully -- and today more was added.

Here are a few causes of this week's stress that I've been able to identify:

1. The surgery & recovery itself. I had a tubal ligation, which is minor but it is abdominal surgery and takes some time to mend.
2. The reasons for the surgery. I elected to have this surgery for a number of reasons but partly so that if my husband ever decided to have sex with me without my knowledge/consent again, I will have one less thing to worry about. No one should have to list this as a reason.
3. I am alone. I had my best friend spend the day with me on the day of the procedure but once I was back home, she had her own family to take care of. Yes, I was fine. Yes, I can do things on my own. But sometimes it would be really nice to have someone here to take care of me so that I don't have to do it all alone and to have someone to hold me when I'm not feeling strong. 
4. My husband's cousin died this week from cancer. I didn't know him well but he left a wife and 2 teenaged kids behind. 
5. His death brought up grief from my sister. Again. It hasn't been horrible, but it's been hanging over me and weighing me down.
6. My uncle had a heart attack and likely won't come out of the hospital. I am now anticipating news of his death, which is causing my mind to replay the moment my brother-in-law called to tell me my sister had died. Over and over again.

I am so tired of having people die all around me all the time. Shall I summarize the past year (and a bit) for you, in case you haven't been keeping track?

• December 2012: my cousin, Beth, died. Age 54.
• June 2013: my uncle, Leo, died. Age 80-something.
• September 2013: my sister, Joan, died. Age 44.
• December 2013: family friend, Elouise, died. Age 44.
• January 2014: cousin-in-law, Joost, died. Age mid-40's.

I can't take much more of this. Seriously.

The worst part is that I haven't had much of anything positive going on to balance all this negativity. I'm still in a marriage I don't want to be in with no sign of that changing anytime soon. I still have no job, no clients and therefore no money of my own. I have no friends here to go out with to have a beer or go dancing with or do whatever with to forget about my worries for a while. You know, if I could actually ever go out without worrying about leaving my kids at home alone.

Yes, I know I'm supposed to focus on the positive and not dwell on the negative. It's just really, really hard to do that sometimes.

Stupid Cancer, Part 14

The last time I wrote, I began by wishing that I could soon stop writing about this topic. It seems my wish was granted, but not exactly in the way I'd hoped. You see, my sister passed away exactly one month ago.

I've considered writing many times in the past month but I couldn't. The pain and the sadness was too fresh and overwhelming. I needed to sit with it a while. I am reminded of Oriah Mountain Dreamer's poem, The Invitation...

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

That is what I have spent most of the past month doing: sitting with my pain, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. At least as much as I could. There were times when I had to function and I would put my grief aside, but it would always come back. It still does. Every now and then something will remind me of my sister. It's often something small or relatively insignificant, like piano sheet music or Hershey's Kisses. It's not looking at photos or talking about her, likely because I am aware of the emotions that will elicit and I can prepare myself for them. When these unexpected reminders occur, I am usually taken back to the moment that I found out that she died and I am overcome with sadness and loss and tears. I know that someday those moments will also subside and that I will be left mostly with just memories.

My sister died quickly. Her health had been steadily and rapidly declining all summer. There were the brain tumours and then we found out about a spinal tumour (which was causing her paralysis) and then there were apparently some lung tumours that I hadn't even really been told about. The cancer was spreading quickly and vehemently. However, she was not yet at a point where they had stopped her treatment or were talking about hospice care. She and my brother-in-law had made some funeral plans but I don't think they'd done much more than that in terms of preparing for her death. She was in declining health but no one expected her to die when she did. I suppose that is a blessing. We didn't have to deal with a long, drawn out, steady decline. There were no hospital visits, no difficult decisions to be made. In the grand scheme of things, she went the best way. For her. She avoided the suffering, but none of us were prepared.

It was Labour day. She was sitting in the living room with her family and suddenly said to her husband that she felt faint. He went to help her lie down and she stopped breathing. He did CPR and the paramedics did what they could but they weren't able to resuscitate her.

On my end, it went like this: I got a phone call shortly after 4 pm from my mother. She said that my BIL had just called, that my sister had stopped breathing and they were on the way to the hospital. My parents were going to meet them there. I wasn't sure how dire the situation was and my sister had had breathing issues before. I was worried, but I was somehow under the impression that she'd stopped breathing temporarily. About an hour later, my BIL called me to say that my sister had died. It was the worst phone call I've ever received and it put me straight into shock. Obviously, everyone in the room could tell it was a bad conversation. I hung up the phone and blurted, "She died." That was really not the best way to tell my 11-year-old daughter that her aunt had passed away, but there is no thinking in times like that. You brain is a swirling bright light, you're trying to stay conscious, you're trying to comprehend what just happened, you're trying to find words and get them out. It was all I could do.

Luckily, my best friend happened to be visiting that day. She, her husband and their two kids stopped in for dinner and a short visit on their way through town. They arrived about 10 minutes before the first phone call. I was so glad to have had her here throughout it all, and, of all my friends who live around here, she's known me the longest. We've been friends since we were 14; since we all lived at home with our siblings and parents. I was glad to have had someone here who knew my sister.

The next couple of hours were chaotic. I was still trying to make dinner (we all had to eat and I had already started) but there were phone calls and texts and questions and comforting my kids and simply trying to grasp the utter magnitude of what had happened.

I'm still trying to grasp what has happened. I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that my sister isn't there anymore, that I'm an only child, that my BIL is a single parent, that my nieces (aged 13 & 17) don't have a mom, that my parents have lost their eldest, most beloved child. It's hard to understand.

These first few weeks following her death were mostly spent dealing with the shock, but I'm sure as time goes on, I'll begin to notice her absence even more and begin to miss her even more. For example, next weekend is Thanksgiving. As is customary, we're all getting together for dinner. While it's important for us to be together as a family, it's also going suck tremendously that my sister won't be there. And Christmas will be the same thing. And so on.

So, even though this is my last Stupid Cancer post, it's really not, because every post and everything I do from now on will bear the mark of Stupid Cancer. Because Stupid Cancer has taken my sister.

Stupid Cancer, Part 13 (and other stuff)

Oh, how I would like to stop writing about this topic. I recently discovered a charity (thanks to Stephen Amell from the tv show "Arrow") with the best name ever. It's called "Fuck Cancer". They throw kick-ass parties to kick cancer's ass (their words, not mine) which also engages the younger generation in the cause. But really, it also just sums up what anybody who has ever been touched by the disease is feeling: Fuck Cancer. Seriously.

The latest update, nicely summed up, is that my dad is doing well and my sister is not. My dad went for his 6-month post-treatment check-up (CT scan & blood work) and he appears to be cancer free. Yay! He's feeling good, playing golf and has gained back about half of the 30-some pounds he lost after his surgery last summer.

My sister doesn't have such great news. She has a new brain tumour, which was causing some issues with her balance. Also, she has completely lost the use of her legs. I think this is due to a brain tumour as well but I'm not really sure about that. She doesn't want to know so I don't get much information from her and, well, basically I'm just kind of confused about the information I got from my BIL. I know I don't know what's causing the problem, but I'm unsure if the doctors even know what's causing the problem. She did go in for some radiation and more tests and doctor's appointments are scheduled. Hopefully we'll get some answers soon. Part of the problem is that nobody seems to know if this is a temporary thing or a permanent thing (or if it will get worse). So, for now, my BIL is doing everything to help my sister around. What they need is some professional help: a PSW and, soon, a PT. They can't keep on doing this on their own. It's not good for anybody. Luckily, my sister is in great spirits and has been able to stay positive and keep her sense of humour. Attitude is half the battle and she's got that in spades.

Needless to say, I'm really, really worried about her and what this newest development might mean in the grand scheme of things. When I first learned about the new brain tumour a few weeks ago, it hit me pretty hard. This is the 2nd time in 9 months - while on chemo - that they've found brain tumours. No matter how you look at it, it's not good. We've had scary diagnoses before & they've been managed/overcome. But they're coming quicker and faster and harder all the time. And this last one has been a huge reality check that my sister is not just fighting cancer, she's fighting for her life!

To make it worse, there is absolutely nothing I can do. Sure, I can do little things like take her kids for a few days here or there and I can visit (distraction is often as good as anything else I could physically do). But nothing I do is going to change the situation or make her better. By nature, I am a helper (and a healer) and it is so very hard for me to be so helpless and feel so useless. I am not by nature a worrier, but I find myself worrying a lot these days, which is not helpful for either of us. The worst of it is that I am terribly afraid that things are going to keep getting worse and no one will be able to do anything about it. It sucks.

I have also been feeling very helpless and useless in other ways, particularly on the job front. Tomorrow marks our 1-year anniversary since we moved (back) to Canada and for all practical reasons, I am no further ahead job-wise than I was a year ago. I own my own business and some people have heard of it/me but I still don't have any paying clients. I'm still not making any money. And despite going through phases of applying for jobs working for other people, I haven't been able to find one. I am beyond frustrated. Especially because this keeps me trapped & reliant upon my husband's income.

At the same time, I have noticed that I am also somewhat fussy when it comes to looking for work. I am desperate to make my own money but at the same time I don't want to get a job that I don't like or that will keep me away from my kids too much. Simply put, I would like a daytime job in the healthcare field but since those seem scarce, I have to decide what is more important: the money/independence or my kids. I really don't know what to do. I keep hoping & trusting that the Universe has a Plan and that Things Will Happen The Way They Are Supposed To Happen but it's so hard to wait for everything to work itself out. I've been waiting for things to change for *so* long and I'm just so damn impatient for the changes to happen. So much of my life sucks so much right now. I need things to change. Soon.

On the bright side, the detox diet I've been on for the past 2 months is going incredibly well. I feel so much clearer and healthier, mentally, emotionally & physically. The mental haze I lived with my whole life is gone (I had no idea it was there until it lifted) and I feel more emotionally stable. Even now when my life is sucky and I'm not dealing with it very well, it's not the all-encompassing doom that would take hold of me for days as it did in the past. I have bad days but I don't feel like I'm going to start on the downward spiral into the abyss. Now, it's more like a (sometimes overwhelming) dark cloud, but I know it will dissipate in a day or two. Also, I've lost 11 lbs so far (yay!) and I imagine that this trend will continue for as long as I continue to eat this way. In another month I can start adding various things back into my diet, but I think that by then I won't want to or be able to. For example, the other day my daughter made cupcakes. I had a small bite of one and the sugar nearly made me gag. It literally burned my throat all the way down! Horrible! I've also learned that I don't need to eat nearly as much if what I'm eating is real food. At least food and what I put into my body is one thing I can control in this dismal life of mine!

If anyone reads this, please wish me well & wish for positive change to find me. I'm ready for it.

Stupid Cancer, Part 12

My favourite uncle passed away this weekend. From cancer. He'd beaten lung cancer a couple of years ago but it came back. At the age of 84 with a decade of health concerns behind him and after years of living in near constant pain, he decided to forego treatment. I found out about this last week and had barely come to terms it when he died.

His birthday was this month and I was going to call him (but he died before I could). My birthday is tomorrow and having our birthdays in the same month is one of the things that bonded us. That and a running joke for the past 25 years or so that he was my favourite uncle and I was his favourite niece. It's irrelevant whether that was true or not, but it was our little inside joke. Truth be told, he *was* my favourite uncle on my Mom's side of the family. He was loud and robust and funny and always making jokes. He was opinionated and set in his ways and got up way too early in the morning. He was the crazy uncle amongst the quiet ones. He stood out -- in a good way.

My favourite uncle on my Dad's side died maybe 10 years ago. Of esophageal cancer. He was my Dad's older brother. He had a blind, wonky eye from when he fell out of a highchair when he was a baby and he could whistle in the coolest way. He, too, had a good sense of humour and looked a lot like my Dad.

I've decided I'm not going to choose any more favourite uncles. It's not working out for me very well.

Now that I think about it, I've had three uncles die. All from cancer. Stupid cancer.

I have also been thinking that this is the 2nd death in my family in the past 6 months. Things often happen in threes so I'm kind of dreading the next 6 months and crossing my fingers that that really is nothing more than a superstition.

I went to my cousin's funeral in December primarily to see all my aging aunts and uncles and the rest of the family I rarely get to see. I'm glad I did, as it was the last time I got to see my favourite uncle. I'm going to his funeral this week, too, and while it will be good to see family again, it's also too soon to be seeing them again under similar circumstances. On the bright side, my husband is visiting this week so I can do this little funeral road trip without having to drag the kids along. I'll also get to spend lots of quality time with my sister, as we're carpooling on the 7-hour return trip.

While I'm trying to look for the positives, the fact remains that today I am sad. Beyond that, I recognize it and I am allowing myself to feel that way. And I'm ok with that.

Stupid Cancer, Part 11

I didn't include a cancer update in my last post so thought I should add it, in case any of you are following. Things have improved and my family is back to dealing with one cancer patient again. Yay!

My Dad had his colonoscopy reversal surgery in March and is now pretty much fully recovered. He's out golfing again and is ready to enjoy an active summer after sitting on his butt for the better part of a year. He goes back for a routine check up in July, which is 6 months since the end of his chemo treatment.

My sister's cancer is stable. There are still some stubborn "spots" on her liver, which refuse to go away. On the bright side, they're not growing but they're not shrinking either. Because there hasn't been any change despite continued chemotherapy treatments, her doctor decided to switch things up and enrolled her in a clinical trial for a new drug. This new drug is a "smart drug" which is designed to target only cancer cells. As such, it is something like 500 times more potent than regular chemo. It also is supposed to have fewer side effects -- like her hair might grow back in. She is very excited to have been accepted into the study (she's one of five people at that hospital) and should be starting treatment soon. She's been able to have a month or so treatment free while she changes programs, which she really needed. Being on chemo for over a year has been really difficult. She's exhausted and fatigued all the time and lost 20 lbs, purely due to lack of appetite. We're all hoping the new drug will a) be more effective at treating the cancer and b) won't be so hard on her. Fingers crossed!

And fingers crossed that I can soon stop writing "Stupid Cancer" updates!

Stupid Cancer, Part 10

My cousin passed away on Saturday after a long battle with cancer.  She was 54 and left behind her son, his wife and their two beautiful daughters (aged 3 & 6 or so); her boyfriend; her parents; her brother, his wife and their two daughters; countless friends and relatives.  Her father (my uncle) recently turned 86 and pointed out that it's not right that he's still here and she's not.

I'm still waiting to hear about funeral arrangements, which are being made jointly by her boyfriend & her family, which I think is awesome.  The boyfriend has been around for years and I wouldn't expect anything other from my family than that he would be included but I do know that's not always the case in situations like this.  Hell, even when my father-in-law died, his brothers and sisters were upset that his wife of 30-odd years made the arrangements and not them.  You just never know.

I'm getting together with another cousin tonight, who lives close by.  His parents are in town visiting so they invited us over for dinner and a visit.  It will be great to see them -- it's been years since I've seen my aunt & uncle, who are in their 80's and not well.  With any luck, they'll have some information about the funeral.

These relatives are on my mother's side of the family.  As I've likely mentioned before, my mother is not good at communicating.  This is why I still don't even know what kind of cancer my cousin had, other than it was either stomach or pancreas (or something like that).  Because even though my mother talks to her sister, she won't ask questions.  She would ask how my cousin is and get the answer, "about the same" but even though my mother had no idea what that meant, she wouldn't ask.  It's so frustrating.  Yes, I probably could have taken it upon myself to find out and ask my own questions but unfortunately my family doesn't work that way: direct communication is frowned upon.  It's no wonder I am so bad at it.

I honestly can't say I am overly sad about losing my cousin.  We were never close: she was 14 years older than me and always lived far away.  However, she was always very sweet to me and always made a point of talking to me at family gatherings.  Mostly I am sad for her immediate family, especially her son.  They will miss her tremendously.  I am also angry that this stupid disease has taken someone else before they should have gone.  My cousin was young and good and a nurse -- the kind of person who should have been around a lot longer than she was.  I am also afraid that this stupid disease will get the better of my father and/or my sister at some point and I will have to watch their slow, painful wasting away and inevitable death.  We've been pretty lucky that everything has been going so well for this long but I know the tide can turn at any time and I'm afraid of what will happen when it does.

Stupid Cancer, Part 9

Everything is going relatively well in the cancer world.  We seem to have reached a little bit of a plateau where things seem to be going smoothly.

My sister is done with her radiation treatments.  She had no side effects, other than those caused the inconvenience of having to drive an hour into the city every day.  She has a CT scan scheduled to follow up and see what the results of the treatment are but not for another 6 weeks.  In the meantime we wait.

My dad opted against radiation treatment.  It turns out it wouldn't offer too many benefits and the risks were too high.  He's still continuing with his chemo and they'll add a few more rounds of that instead of the radiation so he still has another few months to go before he's done.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but my cousin has also been battling cancer (stomach? pancreas?) for the past couple of years.  We're not close but she's still family.  Anyways, she's been going downhill lately - in and out of the hospital and such.  Apparently she's back in and will very likely stay.  I'm not sure if she's in the hospital or hospice but either way, it's not good.  Her son is 4 years younger than me and he is married with two beautiful young daughters.  It makes me very, very sad to imagine what they must be going through. 

Yesterday I went to a cancer support centre here in town.  It came highly recommended so I thought I should check it out.  It's for patients and their caregivers, friends, families, etc. - basically anyone who has been touched by this stupid disease.  They run a bunch of programs, all for free, and it's all voluntary.  They also just have people there you can talk to who have been through it themselves and who understand.  I'm not really sure what I'm looking for or what I'm hoping to get out of going there.  Maybe some new coping skills.  Maybe a place where I can let down my guard a little bit and where I don't have to be so strong.  I'm going to start with a meditation class/group and see how that goes.  They also offer yoga, tai chi, qi gong and art therapy as well as reiki and therapeutic touch sessions.  I signed up for a reiki treatment but couldn't get an appointment for a month as there are only 2 practitioners for a couple of hours each week.  I'm thinking I should volunteer my services, which seem to be needed.  I'll at least talk to them the next time I'm there.  Maybe that would be the thing I'm looking for: being able to do *something* to help...

Stupid Cancer, Part 8

Firstly, let me say that despite the title of this post being "Stupid Cancer", for once, I have good news in the cancer department.  However, since most of my previous cancer-related posts have borne the same title, I thought I'd stick with it, in case anyone is following...

So, good news!  Finally!!  And on both fronts!!! 

My father was told by his oncologist last week that he is responding so well to the chemo that they will very likely skip the radiation portion of his treatment.  That will be confirmed today by the radiologist but hopefully he'll agree.  The radiation was to last 5 weeks, so skipping that presumably means 5 weeks less treatment time and 5 weeks closer to getting the colostomy reversal surgery & getting rid of the damned colostomy bag!  Not only is the bag annoying and inconvenient but there is now redness, burning and irritation at the attachment site.  Hopefully they'll be able to figure out why and get that fixed soon, but getting it removed altogether will be that much more welcome.

My sister also met with her oncologist last week and was told that her chemo had done a fabulous job of getting rid of almost all the cancer spots they'd been watching.  There are still a couple that have not disappeared completely (we're not sure what the plan is for those), and, of course, the new ones that are currently being treated with radiation but the fact that so much of the other cancer is gone is wonderful news!

In other, wonderful, news - I had more proof last night that I really am moving toward a better, healthier emotional state and, perhaps, even a higher state of self-worth and self-confidence.  Here's what happened: I entered into a debate.  For real!  I was talking to my oldest, dearest friend on the phone and somehow the chit-chat about how the kids don't have any homework led into a discussion about whether teachers get paid enough for what they do.  My friend & I were, obviously, of differing opinions and when he stated his, I countered with mine.  We went back and forth for a while and didn't get anywhere and soon decided we shouldn't spend what little time we had left (on a long-distance call) discussing teacher salaries.  But, the fact remains that I debated.  One could possibly say I argued even (mild as it was).  Even at the time, part of my brain was freaking out & doing a little happy dance, saying, "Hey, are you noticing what you're doing here?!"  It helps that I was talking to someone with whom I feel very safe, but even that wouldn't have been enough in the past to get me to say anything.  It was also easier because the topic was not one that was overly personal to either of us.  But it was a start, and a good one at that.  And, yes, I am just a wee bit proud of myself.

Stupid Cancer, Part 7

If there's one thing I've learned about cancer, it's that it's unpredictable.  You never know who it's going to hit, or how and you certainly never know how their treatment will go or how the cancer will react to said treatment.  It's a crap shoot.

The newest development is that the 9 rounds of chemo my sister had did its job to minimize the cancer that the doctors knew she had.  Unfortunately, even though that all went well, she somehow developed a couple of new tumours in a new place and will now begin 8 rounds of radiation.  It seems as soon as they get the cancer under control in one area, it pops up somewhere else.  It is so incredibly frustrating!

My father is still doing well.  He has recovered well enough from his surgery that he has regained his appetite, although the site of the colostomy bag is still tender.  He's had a few rounds of chemo, which he's tolerating quite well so far.  Fingers crossed that fatigue will be the worst of his symptoms.

I'm not really sure where all this has left me. The newest development in my sister's health is definitely not good news but I've had so much it, I think I'm almost becoming numb to it all.  This particular diagnosis was almost expected (by me, based on a few symptoms I'd observed the last time I'd visited) but it doesn't change the fact that it sucks.  Nor does it change the fact that this will likely not be the last piece of bad news I will receive, be it about her or my father.  It will probably get worse before it gets better.  Or maybe it'll just continue to get worse.

While all of us try to continue our lives as normally as we can, sometimes it hits me more than others that my family is not in a normal situation right now.  For example, Thanksgiving is coming up in a week and a half.  I would like nothing more than to host my family at my house because a) I'm the one most able to handle the stress of preparing a big meal and b) I have room for everyone and c) I have a new house I'd like them all to see.  Unfortunately, my father and my sister will not be in any shape to travel (Dad especially) so we'll be visiting them instead.  Which is ok and I am happy that we'll be able to get together.  I'll just have to wait and hope that someday (Christmas? Easter?) I'll be able to have everyone gather in my home.

Otherwise, there's nothing exciting going on, as much as I wish otherwise.  I am bored and lonely.  The job search has still not produced a job.  I have decided that if nothing has come up in the next couple of weeks, I'll contact a temp agency and see if I can at least get some work that way.  I'm not exactly sure how to amp up my social life, but I'll continue to look.

I've realized that I really, really miss being surrounded by my reiki & holistic health people.  I had a visit from my chiropractor friend last week and stopped by a reiki class to help with attunements when we were in Michigan on the weekend and it was awesome.  I need to find some kindred spirits here -- I'm just not sure where or how.  But I will work on it and, with any luck, something will come of it.

I did, at least, meet a few people last night at a book club my bestie took me to.  Unfortunately, most of the women there are lawyers and social workers.  I'm not going to turn down trying to get to know them, but I don't foresee that I have a lot in common with most of these women.  I did pick up some good energy off a couple of them, tho, so I will try to get to know them better at the next meeting.  You never know...

So, in a nutshell, things could be better.  But I'm not drowning and I'm trying to make things better as best I can, which is all I can do.  I just hope my strength holds up.

Stupid Cancer, part 6

I really wish I could just put the rest of my life on hold while I move.  It would be so much easier if I could just focus on one thing at a time.  It's almost too much to even work on closing the house at our destination while trying to purge & pack here, let alone worry about my family and all of their ills and ailments.

On the bright side, for the most part everyone is doing relatively well.  My father is slowly regaining his appetite & recovering from his surgery.  However, he is due to start a chemo & radiation course so we're not sure how he'll react to that.  The worst of it is that he'll have to keep the colostomy bag for an extra 3 months or more since they won't do surgery while he's in treatment.  He also has to do slightly less effective chemo treatment so he doesn't have to have a colostomy bag attached to one side & a chemo pump on the other.  Cancer sucks.

My sister is doing very well.  Her surgery did what it was supposed to do and the chemo is doing what it's supposed to do so all of her cancer is diminishing.  Yay!  *happy dance*  She's taking the summer off work to allow herself to heal and all of it seems to have things going in a positive direction.

My mother still won't admit she has memory issues - at least, no worse than any of her friends.  She went to the doctor to placate my father & I only to be told it was likely due to the stress of my father being ill.  Truth is, she's been much better since he's been ill.  I'll probably have to talk to the doctor myself at some point but right now, that's not a battle I need to face.

My biggest battle right now is with time.  And, I know that writing a blog is not using that time most effectively when I have so much purging and packing left to do, but sometimes a break is required.  I shall return to it shortly.  The purging has continued to be very uplifting -- I will be so happy to move into our new house with much less stuff.  And I will endeavor to accumulate as little as possible and to constantly purge (as I used to) so that I never have to do this again, even if we do end up moving again.

I found this, written by my almost 11-yr-old daughter:

"My Life.
I go around ~ don't know
where I heading to next.  i haven't been In a place long enough
to call It home ~ ...
Somebody help me Somebody help me
where do I go and who should I be ~"

I don't know if it's a poem or a song.  My guess is a song, but either way it absolutely breaks my heart.  Stupid Life!

Stupid Cancer and Other Things

I probably should have written before now to say that I'm not pissed anymore.  Although I really was and it felt pretty good to recognize it for a change.  I spent all that day hating on the world, my situation and the people that put me here.  But that's ok.  I was angry - for good reason - and I owned it.

In the week since then, I think I've experienced just about every emotion available.  It's been another roller-coaster week and I'm tired and could probably use a drink or two...

I'm starting to get really stressed about moving.  A guy came from a moving company the other day to give me a quote.  As we were wandering around the house, we looked at everything we own that has to be moved -- it's a LOT!  And there's so much that I have to clean out and donate that I don't need to move with us.  And they want a lot of money to move us so we'll probably move ourselves (if we can) which means I'll have to pack everything.  It's so much work and it's such an incredibly daunting task -- it's so overwhelming!

Luckily, one of my best girlfriends came to visit with her little ones to distract me from all my moving stress.  We had a great time hanging out at the beach at our local lake.  And... I even a) went in the water and b) swam out to the raft.  Most of you probably don't know that I have had an extreme fish phobia for the last 22 years.  I am terrified of fish (plus, they're just ugly).  Needless to say, my daughter was pleasantly shocked to see me in the water and I felt pretty good about myself for overcoming my fear.  Aside from the minnows, there were even a couple of bigger fish (about 6 inches long) swimming around in the shallows -- and they didn't even scare me out of the water!

Unfortunately, my visitors only stayed a couple of days and then it was time to jump back in to real life, which I did by taking my daughter house hunting.  It was a long day: 2.5 hour drive there, drive around all day looking at houses, drive 2.5 hours back home.  My daughter was a trooper throughout and it was great to get her opinion.  I wish my son could have been with us as well, but he was away at scout camp and, time being of the essence, we couldn't afford to wait until he got back.  It was a good thing that we didn't wait as we found the perfect little house that would certainly have been sold before we got to see it.  We're putting in an offer today -- so much anticipation!

I also found out this week that the results came back from the cancer tests my dad had when he had his surgery last month and that the results were positive.  It's low-grade cancer so they're going to wait for him to recover from his surgery before they start further treatment.  He'll meet with the oncologist next week to find out exactly what the course of treatment will be.  Stupid cancer!

I realized recently that, very likely, in a few years I will have lost half of my immediate family to this stupid disease, leaving just me and my mother.  Of the four of us, this is pretty much the worst combination of any two people to be left together.  It's going to be an interesting journey...

Stupid Cancer, Part 4

It's been a crazy week so forgive me for not writing before now.  I've been stuck in a whirlwind of stress and when I wasn't otherwise occupied, I was sleeping -- which left no time for writing.

Last Sunday I made the 5-hour drive "home" to my parents' house and arrived just in time for what felt like the Last Supper with all the family gathered together.  Well, not really all of us since I was the only representative from my family but my parents, my sister and her family were there so all of us from my original nuclear family were present.

And then it began.  On Monday my father had surgery: a bowel resection to remove a cancerous tumour in his colon.  They took some lymph nodes as well to test for spread, but we won't have those results back until next week.  The surgery went well, although the recovery hasn't been as quick as we could have hoped for.  There have a been a few minor setbacks but so far, nothing too serious.

On Wednesday, my sister had surgery: a pericardial window to drain the fluid that has been building up around her heart as a result of her cancer.  The surgery itself went well, although the doctors decided to keep her sedated and intubated for a day after the surgery.  We weren't allowed to see her after her surgery and my BIL had to work the next day so I was the only one who could visit.  I ended up staying with her for a few hours until they finally took out her breathing tubes.  Until then, the only way she could communicate was by sign language.  She knows much more than I do , but at least I can finger spell so I was able to be her voice until she got her own back again.

From there I drove the hour back to the hospital my father was in to check in on him before I started my long journey back to my own house.  Once I finally sat down in the car, I felt the cold I'd been battling all week finally settling in.

By Friday I was absolutely, emotionally and physically exhausted.  Waiting in hospitals for hours (9 hours for my dad, 5 hours for my sister), trying to be strong when I visited (despite never having seen them look quite so ill/weak/vulnerable) and trying to process the fact that half of my immediate family has varying stages of cancer and not knowing when or how this is all going to end is just really, really draining.

Add to that the fact that my marriage is sort of non-existant so I don't have as much support to come home to as I'd like and the fact that we're moving in 6 weeks and I'd say I have about as much stress as one person should have to handle all at once.

On the bright side, I did manage to have a few beers and visit with some friends while I was "home" -- and at least a couple of them were able to make me laugh.  I also ate a LOT of poutine.  And today was my birthday so I got to go to the DIA again and got taken out for dinner and ice cream so it was a pretty good day.

None of that lessens the overbearing presence of cancer but it does help me get through the days a bit better, which is really all I can ask for.

Stupid Cancer (Part 3)

It wasn't bad enough that this disease stole my best friend's husband from us when he was still in his early 30's or that it just stole another good friend's mother before she reached her 60th birthday.  It's not enough that it's threatening another very dear person from me not much past her 40th birthday.  Now it's got its vile claws in my Dad.  Granted, the man is in his 70's but as far as we're concerned, it's far too soon for him to go anywhere.  I'm not sure what his prognosis is, and I probably won't know much more until after his surgery in a couple of weeks, but I do know that I hate this stupid disease!

Stupid Cancer, Part 2

I really hope this doesn't become a long series of posts entitled "Stupid Cancer" but I'm very afraid it will.

It's been almost 7 weeks since Part 1.  The story then was: possible cancer recurrence.  The doctors had: a shadow on a CT scan/MRI/x-ray, some spots on a bone scan, a nagging cough and fluid around the heart which, taken all together, probably meant cancer but they had no way to biopsy anything.  The plan was 3 rounds of chemo each 3 weeks apart then reassess.  The third round will be in  few days.  So far the chemo is going well.  She's lost her hair and is tired but hasn't been nauseous or had too many side-effects.  However...

It turns out that she's been seeing her oncologist after each chemo treatment and the story has been changing.  Apparently now it's definitely a recurrence of breast cancer, which seems to have spread to the bones and the fluid around her heart also contains cancerous cells (the fluid was causing the cough).  They are officially waiting until after the next round of chemo to come up with the next plan but obviously there will be a continuation of the chemo.  Probably indefinitely.  And possible surgery for the fluid around the heart.

So, after the initial shock and grieving I went through, I kind of got used to the idea that cancer was back in my life.  Still, even though the news was bad the situation was presented to me then in as positive a light as it could be.  I guess that is to be expected, when the story is coming from the one with the diagnosis.  A positive attitude means everything.  Today, I got the bigger picture from her husband, with the added details and a bit more reality.  He's still positive, but it was very clear this time that it's now very serious.  Obviously, we're still positive but we also need to grasp the whole scope of the situation.

And it sucks.

Stupid Cancer

(That is all.)