As I stepped off the train at Union Station, I could already feel it. It grew as we tramped along Front Street, although I couldn't yet identify it. By the time we got to John Street, I could feel the tumblers falling into place, unlocking that part of me that I experience so rarely: being at home.
Halfway between Front and Queen, the kids were complaining about the wind. They were cold. Their legs were numb. Ordinarily, I, too, would be loathe to be outside on such a cold, windy day but put me in the City and a different part of my brain takes over, because walking outside is just what you do, regardless of the weather. I told them to suck it up, that we were halfway to our destination. I tried pointing out interesting places along the way: the art gallery, Campbell House, the Parliament Buildings, old and new city halls and look! people skating in Nathan Philips Square. How about that truck crashing out of the wall two stories up? And here are some neat stores, some of which I used to shop at 20 years ago (and please don't notice or ask about the Head Shop or the Condom Shack next door). Most of it didn't interest them in the least -- the cold was too overpowering.
It was disappointing but I know that in warmer weather, the children also like the City, especially China Town. I also know that in a few years, when my daughter is a teenager, I will be able to take her shopping in all the funky little second hand shops in Kensington Market (but that she will most likely find the imported cheeses and deli shops there much more fascinating). I know that my kids will one day appreciate the second run movie theatres, the buskers and the cultural offerings the City has to offer. Some day, I hope that they, too, will come to love the City as much as I do.
I also hope that my children will one day have some place that they can identify with. I hope that they, too, will find a place they can call home. The City has changed significantly in the last two decades since I was lucky enough to call it home, but there is still enough there that hasn't changed that its appearance and its atmosphere are still recognizable. It still feels like the City I know and love, and the one place on Earth that I can truly call home.
Wednesday 28 December 2011
Wednesday 14 December 2011
A Challenge
My therapist has given me homework: I've got one week to put myself in a better mood. I have to get out of my funk. I need to turn that frown upside down. The trouble is, no matter how you say it, it's all so much easier said than done.
The point of this exercise, is, of course, to demonstrate that I can control my mood -- and not always let my mood control me. I am supposed to learn that any mood can be altered by changing thought and behaviour patterns and that any mood - including depression - is nothing more than a transient state. Depression should not be a pit that I attempt to crawl out of every now that then, only to fall back in. It should be more like, well, I don't really know, which is the problem. I suppose mood oscillation should be more horizontal than vertical. And that despite the fact that I feel like I always end up back on the low end of the mood spectrum and that the highs are always short-lived, I need to think of my moods as more dynamic and always able to shift, so as not to get stuck.
Anyways... the point is that I am supposed to be in charge and I am not supposed to let myself get overwhelmed. Which is kind of the opposite of the other big challenge I've been working on, which is to have more access to my emotions, let them show and not try so hard to control them. Obviously, I've been doing it all wrong the whole time: reigning in when I should be letting go and vice versa. (Bloody hell, but this is hard!)
I've been working on letting go of my emotions (especially agitation and anger), but so far without much success. The other day, I thought I was doing better and it felt like I was showing my anger but alas, no one paid any attention. Nothing makes you feel more invisible than putting yourself out there and having no one notice.
But while that is an ongoing challenge, it's not my homework this week. This week, I am focusing on improving my mood. I've been trying to stay positive for the past week or two, but it doesn't seem to be going very well. I'm really not sure how I am supposed to improve my overall mood -- and make it stick -- but I have a couple of ideas, which fall into a few categories: being social, being productive and being 'professional'.
The point of this exercise, is, of course, to demonstrate that I can control my mood -- and not always let my mood control me. I am supposed to learn that any mood can be altered by changing thought and behaviour patterns and that any mood - including depression - is nothing more than a transient state. Depression should not be a pit that I attempt to crawl out of every now that then, only to fall back in. It should be more like, well, I don't really know, which is the problem. I suppose mood oscillation should be more horizontal than vertical. And that despite the fact that I feel like I always end up back on the low end of the mood spectrum and that the highs are always short-lived, I need to think of my moods as more dynamic and always able to shift, so as not to get stuck.
Anyways... the point is that I am supposed to be in charge and I am not supposed to let myself get overwhelmed. Which is kind of the opposite of the other big challenge I've been working on, which is to have more access to my emotions, let them show and not try so hard to control them. Obviously, I've been doing it all wrong the whole time: reigning in when I should be letting go and vice versa. (Bloody hell, but this is hard!)
I've been working on letting go of my emotions (especially agitation and anger), but so far without much success. The other day, I thought I was doing better and it felt like I was showing my anger but alas, no one paid any attention. Nothing makes you feel more invisible than putting yourself out there and having no one notice.
But while that is an ongoing challenge, it's not my homework this week. This week, I am focusing on improving my mood. I've been trying to stay positive for the past week or two, but it doesn't seem to be going very well. I'm really not sure how I am supposed to improve my overall mood -- and make it stick -- but I have a couple of ideas, which fall into a few categories: being social, being productive and being 'professional'.
- I started off last night by going to our local high school band/orchestra/choir concert, which provided some nice distraction in the form of great musical performances with the pleasant addition of seeing a few friends while we were there.
- My daughter and I are going to visit my BFF this weekend. This will be a quick overnight trip, but it will be a good escape nonetheless.
- I will keep moving with setting up my business. I still have to work on the website, set up a social media presence and get more marketing paraphernalia.
- I will finish up all things Christmas: cards, shopping, etc.
- I will help teach a reiki 3 class on Sunday.
- I will put in a few hours at my new little job as 'office manager'. It's not rocket science but I am highly valued there and there's always an opportunity to learn and for a little chit chat with lovely people.
- I will be interviewing on Monday for an apprenticeship position at the school I recently graduated from. It's a volunteer position but it will be a great learning experience and could lead to other great opportunities.
Tuesday 6 December 2011
Focus
It's been a rough week. The good news from last week quickly morphed into something else entirely. Yes, it's still great that we can stay in the country another 8 months but the realization that this is the *final* extension released a whole new set of feelings, chief among them being fear.
It is really scary to think that I have absolutely no idea what my life will be like in 8 months. I don't know what country I'll be living in, I don't know if I'll be able to work and/or keep running my fledgling business and, to top it off, I don't even know if I'll still be married. Usually, most people only have to deal with one of those issues at a time. If they move, it's because of a job. If they lose their job, they still have a place to live. If their marriage fails, they still have a job and a country to live in. But not me. I am staring in the face of losing all of it -- simultaneously. And it terrifies me.
The fact that we've been given our final extension has also made me even more desperate to get a green card. I really, really don't want to leave my life here when I'm just getting it started. We've been talking to an immigration lawyer this week but, as I feared, the only way we can achieve permanent resident status is if my husband's company initiates the process. So, my entire life is in the hands of someone I don't know.
The question now is what do I do with all of this fear and desperation. My first reaction was, of course, to cry. No surprise there. And that's ok. A good cry can be cleansing and it can help to let out my emotions so I can work with them and keep going. The challenge is to not let those feeling overwhelm me and to not get dragged down into the Pit of Despair. In order to do that, I can't dwell on what might happen. I have to focus on what will happen; on those things that I can control. I doubt I'll be able to put my fears out of my mind entirely and I might still have the odd teary meltdown, but I have to remember to live in the moment and do the things that I know I can do. I can't write off the next 8 months because of what may happen -- I have to make them count.
It is really scary to think that I have absolutely no idea what my life will be like in 8 months. I don't know what country I'll be living in, I don't know if I'll be able to work and/or keep running my fledgling business and, to top it off, I don't even know if I'll still be married. Usually, most people only have to deal with one of those issues at a time. If they move, it's because of a job. If they lose their job, they still have a place to live. If their marriage fails, they still have a job and a country to live in. But not me. I am staring in the face of losing all of it -- simultaneously. And it terrifies me.
The fact that we've been given our final extension has also made me even more desperate to get a green card. I really, really don't want to leave my life here when I'm just getting it started. We've been talking to an immigration lawyer this week but, as I feared, the only way we can achieve permanent resident status is if my husband's company initiates the process. So, my entire life is in the hands of someone I don't know.
The question now is what do I do with all of this fear and desperation. My first reaction was, of course, to cry. No surprise there. And that's ok. A good cry can be cleansing and it can help to let out my emotions so I can work with them and keep going. The challenge is to not let those feeling overwhelm me and to not get dragged down into the Pit of Despair. In order to do that, I can't dwell on what might happen. I have to focus on what will happen; on those things that I can control. I doubt I'll be able to put my fears out of my mind entirely and I might still have the odd teary meltdown, but I have to remember to live in the moment and do the things that I know I can do. I can't write off the next 8 months because of what may happen -- I have to make them count.
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