Focus

It's been a rough week.  The good news from last week quickly morphed into something else entirely.  Yes, it's still great that we can stay in the country another 8 months but the realization that this is the *final* extension released a whole new set of feelings, chief among them being fear.

It is really scary to think that I have absolutely no idea what my life will be like in 8 months.  I don't know what country I'll be living in, I don't know if I'll be able to work and/or keep running my fledgling business and, to top it off, I don't even know if I'll still be married.  Usually, most people only have to deal with one of those issues at a time.  If they move, it's because of a job.  If they lose their job, they still have a place to live.  If their marriage fails, they still have a job and a country to live in.  But not me.  I am staring in the face of losing all of it -- simultaneously.  And it terrifies me.

The fact that we've been given our final extension has also made me even more desperate to get a green card.  I really, really don't want to leave my life here when I'm just getting it started.  We've been talking to an immigration lawyer this week but, as I feared, the only way we can achieve permanent resident status is if my husband's company initiates the process.  So, my entire life is in the hands of someone I don't know.

The question now is what do I do with all of this fear and desperation.  My first reaction was, of course, to cry.  No surprise there.  And that's ok.  A good cry can be cleansing and it can help to let out my emotions so I can work with them and keep going.  The challenge is to not let those feeling overwhelm me and to not get dragged down into the Pit of Despair.  In order to do that, I can't dwell on what might happen.  I have to focus on what will happen; on those things that I can control.  I doubt I'll be able to put my fears out of my mind entirely and I might still have the odd teary meltdown, but I have to remember to live in the moment and do the things that I know I can do.  I can't write off the next 8 months because of what may happen -- I have to make them count.