Stuck in the Mud

I am sinking.  Deeper and faster every day, today being the worst.  So far.  I don't like being here so I'm hoping I'll be able to pull myself out tomorrow.

Partly it's my fault for being so weak.  I was unable to motivate myself to do anything all day (other than bake cookies with my daughter).  I spent far too long in bed, got lost in thought a number of times, didn't accomplish anything so tonight I'm feeling completely miserable.  If I could just push myself harder and actually start something - anything - I would hit a groove and get quite a bit done.  But I just couldn't do it today.  I don't know if I'm being too hard on myself or not but either way, I know I should do more.

I think part of my lack of motivation is coming from my current situation and the fact that I am alone in a new city.  No job, no friends - I could probably disappear and no one but my children would notice.  My children, speaking of them, have gotten very self-sufficient and don't need me to do much more than remind them of the time a couple of hours a day and feed them.  It's great that they are getting older and maturing, but it really doesn't help me feel any more essential.

The fact that I haven't been able to find a job also isn't doing much for my self-esteem.  Every time I look at the want ads, I am reminded that I am not qualified to do anything (that will bring me a regular income).  I apply for jobs and hope against hope that I will get a call, even though I know that I'm not nearly as qualified as I should be and that I don't represent well on paper.  It's discouraging and deflating.

I try to stay optimistic and patient and I know that soon enough things will improve. I will get a job and I will make friends.  Some day I will feel less invisible and I will have a purpose and a goal.  I just don't like floundering like this in the meantime and I need a bit more strength than I seem to have to make it through.