One of the things that I've been working on lately are my communication skills. I'm trying to be more vocal, more assertive and to let my opinions, thoughts and feelings out. My therapist loves to say that he'd rather see people make a mess and clean it up that to never make a mess at all. A friend of mine added that sweeping it all under the rug only works until it doesn't. For my whole life I have been very good at sweeping things under the rug and not making messes. Recently, I realized it wasn't working very well for me anymore.
As most of us know, realizing and admitting our faults and foibles is at least half the battle. I've done that. I know that I'm very bad at saying what's on my mind and I've been making a concerted effort to change that. Oddly, in doing so I've also noticed that I even hold back from saying good things. Mostly I'm all about conflict avoidance, but I've yet to figure out why I hold back when it comes to sharing positive words.
At any rate, I've been working on it. The trouble is that still, even when I think I'm being more assertive and forthright, it sometimes doesn't seem like my message is being received. This leads me to doubt myself and wonder if I'm doing a good enough job. Is it me? Is it my fault? Or is it simply that my words are falling on deaf ears? I wish I knew.
In the meantime, I'll keep working at it and hope that some day this will all be more natural for me and the new super communicative Me will have fuller, brighter, more meaningful relationships. Or at least relationships in which I know I'm being heard.
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