Reality Bites

I think you should know something: for all the plans for (self) improvement and all the optimism I write about here, my reality is really quite different.  I do want to make the changes I've written about and I do try to be optimistic, but, honestly, it's not going well.

I've been sleeping half the day for the past week.  It's an effective way to avoid dealing with my thoughts and feelings but it leaves me with few hours in the day to actually accomplish anything else, so it's not really very productive.

I'm not eating well and I haven't been to the gym in weeks.  I'm really not eating much of anything at all, but a large percentage of what I do end up eating is high in calories and low in nutrition.  The combination of eating badly and not exercising is really not a good one, given that I struggle with my body image at the best of times.

I've been having heart palpitations.  I should probably see a doctor, but lack whatever it takes to pick up the phone and call.  I assume it's due to stress, or to my currently poor health habits but I'm also about 4 months overdue for my annual physical and mammogram so I really should make an appointment.

I didn't sleep well last night.  I can always sleep, regardless of whatever else is going on so the fact that I tossed and turned for hours is a bit worrisome.

While I realize that I have slipped and I'm not taking care of myself and my behaviour is not making my situation any better, I completely lack the motivation and will power to do anything about it.  I suppose this is something I should talk to my therapist about.  I also assume that at some point I'll change my ways back to the way I'd like them to be - and the way they should be - with me taking proper care of myself and doing all the things I've promised myself I would do to make my life a better one.  In the meantime, I think I need a nap before I start crying again...