Friendship 101

My therapist pointed out to me that a happier person would have more friends.  I don't think he was trying to insult me, he was just stating a fact that more friends would afford more opportunity from which to draw pleasant, reinforcing, self-esteem-building experiences.  He tends to be right about these things so I'm sure he's right about this, too.  But it's sort of a chicken and egg scenario, isn't it?  A happy person has more friends, and mutually beneficial friendships create happiness.  So, what exactly does one do when one has neither happiness nor friends?  Do I try to build friendships first or make myself happy?  Or try to do both simultaneously?

If you've been reading my blog, you'll be aware that I've been trying to work on the happiness thing for quite some time.  I really am trying to make positive changes in my life, which are intended to bring about more happiness.  But it's slow going when I keep stumbling, and coming up against walls, and having to detour around obstacles and trudge uphill through the mud.  Yet somehow, in the end, I always manage to keep moving, hoping that someday I will achieve the as yet elusive, yet much desired, goal.

Despite swimming upstream on my quest for happiness, that task seems easier for me than making friends.  For in determining my own happiness, I know what I want to do and need to do.  Conversely, finding friends - good, close friends - is a ridiculously difficult challenge.  Mostly because it involves putting myself out there: opening up, talking to people, baring my soul, which are not things I'm particularly good at.  Also, partly because I find it difficult to meet people who are worth the effort.  The result is that I'm very good at making aquaintances.  I know hundreds of people all over the world and have spent many wonderful hours in their good company, yet there are very few of those people whom I would call friends.  A lot of that is likely my fault -- for not opening up -- but honestly, there are just not that many people I've met whom I want to befriend.  I don't "click" with a lot of people.  I don't go with the flow.  I don't blend.  I try -- and in a vastly superficial way, I succeed and put on a good show.  The result, however, is that I have very few true friends.

I guess what I need to do is reassess the people in my "network" (I hate that word) and look for any glimmer of promise.  Something -- anything -- that would make me want to even try to build upon whatever superficial foundation we may have at this point and see if I can turn it into something more.  By talking, and opening up, and putting myself out there.  Supposedly, the rewards will outweigh the effort, but it really does seem like an awful lot of work.  (It's so much easier just to hang out here under my rock...)

But if I am ever to reach my shiny place and be happy, it seems this is one more thing I need to add to my to-do list.  That sounds awful, but maybe once I've made one or two friends, I'll get the hang of it and it won't be so much work.  Maybe it'll even put me one step closer to Happiness, just like my therapist says...