Why (Not) Me?

I was having a pretty good day -- or so I thought.  I could feel it nagging at me for hours but it wasn't until I put all the pieces together late this afternoon that my day - and my mood - went belly up.  It was a culmination of things, as it usually is, which began this morning and continued to build until I put the last block on the top of the tower, bringing it crashing down.  It's never good when my mood topples and I find it extraordinarily difficult to stop crying once I start.  As my therapist said, when I access a feeling, I do so fully and completely, and it usually overtakes me (which is why I suppress so much -- because dealing with the feelings is so overwhelming).  But I digress...

What should have been a nice day with good news, turned out to be a day filled with multiple examples of everything I can't do being thrown in my face.  Or so it felt...  It began this morning when a friend updated her Facebook status saying how much she loves her new job.  This friend was a classmate of mine and I really am thrilled for her that she was able to find a great job so quickly after graduation.  It continued this afternoon when my husband confirmed that we would be picking up his snazzy new car this evening.  It's a great car and, to make it even better, most of the lease price and the insurance will be paid for by his company.

The trigger that turned this happiness to misery?  Discovering that even secured credit cards are subject to approval.  (Wtf?  It's my money, what do they need to approve?)  This news mires me even further in the evil circle of "I can't get credit because I have no credit history and can't build a history because I can't get credit".

So, my friend is happily working away while I sit here twiddling my thumbs and trying every which way I can to figure out how to get some kind of work permit, Green Card or loophole that would allow me to work.  Meanwhile, my husband goes out and leases himself an awesome new car while I can't even get a cell phone contract because I have no credit history.

I really don't think I'm asking for much: I just want to be a normal, independent person and do what everyone else can do: get a job, buy a car, get a smartphone.  All. By. Myself.

And yes, I know it will happen.  I will be able to do all these wonderfully normal things that everyone else takes for granted.  It will just take time and I will need patience... and another box of Kleenex for the days when the frustration overwhelms me...