The Only Thing that's Certain is the Uncertainty

It suddenly hit me that aside from the monotony of my days, almost Everything Else in my life at the moment is uncertain: my marriage, my career, my immigration status, my life.

I think the upcoming end to my schooling and the changes that will inevitably accompany that have got me a little freaked out.  I have 3 weeks left of school and I have no idea what I will do after graduation.  Ok, I have some idea but it's all pretty vague.  I'll continue with Reiki and Energy classes, I'll study for and write my State and National exams and -- hopefully -- I'll do a little work on the side.  Unfortunately, given my current immigration status, I can't get a real job anywhere.  Maybe that's a good thing, I don't know.  The fact remains that once school ends, I will have to move on to the next phase of this journey and I don't know where it will lead.

I know where I want it to lead.  I have allowed myself to dream a little bit, despite the uncertainty of Everything Else.  For the first time EVER, I have career aspirations and concrete goals -- and I am terrified that Everything Else will prevent me from reaching those goals.  Or that I will have make choices I don't particularly want to make in order to make them happen.

Those choices will be necessary because Everything Else is all related.  Nothing exists on its own -- the many facets of Life are irrevocably intertwined -- which makes it complicated.  My career goals depend upon my location, which depends upon my immigration status, which depends upon my husband's employment, which depends upon my marriage to him.  And therein lies nothing but uncertainty.  And no matter which way I project and imagine the various scenarios in my future, and the various twists and turns along my path, I can't come up with a single one that makes everyone in my family happy.  The only thing that seems certain is that the next year or two are going to be monumental, and difficult and very, very uncertain.

I know that some people don't mind the uncertainty.  But I've been living with some degree of it -- and a great deal more than most -- for a very long time.  And I would really, really like to trade it in for some safety and security.