Confusion

Not long ago, my marriage was in such bad shape that I could not think a positive thought about it to save my life.  I had reconciled myself to doom and destruction and assumed that it was only a matter of time until the bottom fell out from under us and we would tumble to our demise, or at least that of our marriage. 

Due to our current immigration status in the country we've chosen to call home, I/we are unable to really make any decision about the future of our relationship and, indeed, ourselves.  While we wait for all things beurocratic to be settled, we have been trying to stay together -- because we have no other choice.

It seems, however, that things are changing.  Ever so slightly, but they are.  Thanks to therapy, psychics and yet another relationship book, there has been a palpable change in the direction in which we were headed.  Perhaps that's an overstatement.  The winds have changed, but the sail has not yet caught the breeze to steer us on a new course.  And really, at this point, I'm not sure the breeze is strong enough or will last long enough to have any effect on our poor, weather-beaten boat. 

What I do know is that I have seen the palest, tiniest glimmer of hope, which is something I nearly didn't recognize as it had been so long since I'd encountered it.  I also know that, because it's been so very long since I've had any kind of hope, I have absolutely no idea what to do with it.  It's frightening and it's confusing and it has sent me spinning -- and I have no idea where I'm going to land or what direction I'm going to be facing when I do.