The Cave

I've learned something about myself in the past week.  It happened while I stood in my kitchen, staring at a bottle of St John's Wort, debating with myself over whether or not I should start taking it (again).  It was rather interesting to have the awareness of my right and left brain arguing with each other and even more surprising to hear what they had to say.  The facts were overwhelmingly in favour: SJW is an herbal anti-depressant and I've been more depressed than usual lately, making it rather difficult to function and lead a productive life.  The arguement against taking it was what surprised me: I *like* being depressed.  Of course, the practical side won out, I started taking the SJW and, as I suspected, it's done me a world of good.  It's been nearly a week now & I'm beginning to take a few cautious steps out of my Cave.

The realization of how much I actually like my Cave (aka the Pit of Despair) has really got me thinking, as well it should.  I am fully aware of how dangerous it is to like being there -- I am at constant risk of staying there and never coming out, which would be bad, to say the least.  I figured out pretty quickly why I like it there, though: it's dark, it's quiet, it's cozy and, best of all, it's safe.  I can hide away from all the shit going on in the world around me and not have to deal with any of it.  It's much, much easier to live in the Cave than out in the real world.

I like my Cave so much, in fact, that (over the years) I've actually sort of trained myself to look for, and focus on, (negative) things that will send me running for cover.  I even went so far as to marry someone whom I sometimes tend to experience as oppressive so I'd have an excuse to seek shelter close at hand.  Crazy.

What I need to do now is figure out why I find the real world so frightening.  Given the current state of upheaval, I really do have a lot to be afraid of, but there's probably bigger, more general reasons, too.  Like my tendency toward perfectionism (which I honestly thought I'd sort of outgrown, but apparently not) and, perhaps, lonliness.  I'm going to have to take a close look at myself over the next while and try to analyze what goes on and what it is that is likely to make me want to return to the Cave.  Needless to say, it's going to be a challenge.

I also really need to decide - for myself - that I don't want to go back; that I really do want to stay out in the Light and be a healthy, happy, productive person with my own personal skills and strengths that make me an awesome person who can stand up for herself on her own two feet.  Sounds like kind of a tall order, but it sounds pretty good, too...