Clear as Mud

Yesterday I visited a magic fountain, hoping to find answers. I threw in my penny and peered into the water, waiting for the ripples to subside so that I could see my future reflected clearly at me. Instead, my penny stirred up the sediment on the floor of the fountain and I found myself looking into a murky pool. My reflection was still there, but not in the manner I expected to see. I still got my answers, but not those I had thought I might find. In some respects, what I saw was indeed the opposite of what I expected.

Now my mind is swirling, much like the sediment stirred up by my penny. I am trying to figure out how my expectations could have been so wrong, and I must come to terms with the fact that things may not be as they seem. I must be patient and wait for the debris to settle, so that I might see clearly. Perhaps by the time that happens, I will be willing to accept what I see and embrace my future as it is meant to be, rather than how I imagined it might be.

Don't Stop Believing

I heard it again today: "You have a gift, young lady".  This time it came from a client in the massage clinic, who is a 62-year-old student at my school, due to graduate a few months after me, so I like to think she's a fairly good critic.  I've been getting rave reviews from all my clients at the clinic lately.  So much so that they have even been asking for me.  Before I started at the clinic all my friends and family were generous with their praise and compliments, but part of me always felt like they *had* to be nice; that it was expected.  Now, after getting positive feedback from complete strangers -- and, better yet, having repeat clients -- I'm really starting to believe that maybe, just maybe, they're right.

But what does that mean if they're right?  It means I give a fabulous massage and make people feel wonderful and that thrills me.  It means I have conquered Step 1 -- and now it's time for Step 2.  Anyone who knows me well, also knows that I have a strong practical side, which is wondering if and how this gift is going to translate into something more concrete (ie. money).  Because, at the end of the day, while healing and helping people is certainly my goal, I also need to make a living doing it.  So I guess I question if I am really *that* good, that people will want to pay me to make them feel wonderful -- and keep coming back, and tell all their friends.

For possibly the first time in my life, I have plans and dreams and I need to know if they are within reach; that there's a chance they might happen.  I need to keep believing that it's possible.

Number 13

Today is my anniversary.  We've been married 13 years.  My husband and I probably haven't even spoken that many sentences to each other today.  I've spent much of the day trying to figure out what we're supposed to be celebrating today.  We're still married, which is something, I guess, but certainly not happily.  I know I've been unhappily married for probably half of our marriage and it's not getting any better.  Despite 2 years of couples therapy, our relationship is in a downward spiral and it seems we've lost all control of it.  The last 6 months have been especially horrendous and despite my trying to figure out how exactly my life became an episode of "Desperate Housewives", I just can't understand how I ended up here; how this became my life.

If there's one thing I've learned at school this year, it's this: everything happens the way it's supposed to happen.  I have no idea why it's happening this way and most days I can assure you I wish it was happening some other way -- but it isn't.  I'm trying my best to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be learning from all of this but so far it's mostly a mystery.  I know I've gleaned a few life lessons so far but obviously there is much more for me to learn, both about myself and about life. 

In the meantime, I muddle my way through the days, trying to focus on what I need to and trying to keep my head above water.  Some days - like today - I feel like I'm drowning or like I am lost in rough seas and the waves won't stop smashing over me.  Most days I don't think the sun will ever shine and calm the waters again -- but I have to believe that they will.  In the meantime, I cling to my dreams for my future, hoping they will one day come true.

Unhappy Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday and despite the many, many people (mostly on Facebook) wishing me a "Happy Birthday", my day was decidedly very unhappy.

From the moment I awoke, I could not shake the thought that it would be appropriate (and, yes, poetic) if my life were to end on the day that it began.  I tried so hard to focus on the positives of the day: good gifts from my family, hugs from my friends, 100% on my test at school but still I could not surface above the downward pull of my unhappiness for very long.  I usually love my birthday but this year I felt there was really very little to celebrate and very little reason to look forward to the start of another year.

Luckily, the arrival of my sister and nieces and a good dinner out brought a smile to my face that evening and I was able to go to bed in somewhat better spirits.

Today I arrived at school to find a big, cheerful bouquet of lilies, roses and alstroemeria waiting for me from one of my classmates.  She is one of the brightest lights in my world and she is the embodiment of love.  She said she she blessed to know me, but I'm pretty sure the honour is all mine.

Later, in the course of my class, I received my attunement for the second level of Reiki.  It's hard to explain what an attunement feels like, and indeed it differs from person to person, but being blessed with Reiki energy is intense and beautiful and today was no different for me.  Today I was completely overwhelmed with love and light and happiness and I cried.  I cried because it felt amazing and I cried because I realized how much happiness I am lacking in my current life.  However, I also realized that I do have something to look forward to in the coming year and in my future: Reiki.  Learning and living and loving and finding my happiness through Reiki.  Right now that's all I've got.


 

Too Much to Do

A few months ago, I wrote about wanting to do it all.  I have a multitude of things going on and I love all of it.  My parents recently came to visit and my mother marvelled at how I can possibly do as much as I do.  It's been rather a slow realization but I've finally concluded that I actually really am trying to do too much.  I really can't have it all.  And stay sane.

As my workload at school has increased (with major exams looming in the not-too-distant future) and as the stress and mess of my home life has multiplied logarithmically, I have decided that I need to cut back on my extra-curricular activities.  Something meant to be fun should not cause me stress. Some of this has been naturally occurring due to a grand lack of free time (you may have noticed I haven't posted here in a while...) but I've also decided that in order to refocus more my energy on the things that are really important, a few other things will have to go on the back burner.  At least for the time being.

In addition to the everyday duties of being the family matriarch, this is how I've arranged my priorities:

1. School (homework and studying) is being bumped up into top position.  It was already there, but I do really need to put in more time and effort than I have been.
2. Life.  After living in the US for nearly 7 years, I finally got myself a SSN this week (better late than never, right?).  This is the first step in becoming an actual person in this country.  With the golden ticket in hand, I can now go ahead and do other things to establish myself here in proper fashion (renew my driver's license, get a work permit, etc.).  
3. The Gym.  Not only do I love going, I also love my trainer and I love the results.  I also love that working out is such a great antidote to depression (along with the St. John's Wort supplements I've been taking -- I'm so much more stable!).
4. Guitar Lessons.  Since I'm taking them together with my daughter - on the rare occasion I'm not in school on a Saturday - and since practicing requires less than a half hour a day, I'm finding it easier to squeeze in.
5. Dance.  While I had been trying to make this a top priority and work towards a competition, I've realized that it was just causing me way too much anxiety.  This is something that, from now on, will have to remain something that I do for fun whenever I have the time to do it.  No need to stress about regular lessons or competitions -- I'll get to lessons when I can and perform when I can work it into my schedule.
6. Writing.  Whenever I have a  few free minutes. something to say and the wherewithall to say it coherently, I shall continue to write.  It likely won't be often, but I hope to find some way to put my thoughts down somewhere.

So, really, that doesn't look too bad.  And with the kids getting out of school for the summer in a few weeks and some of their regular lessons/activities ending for the season, my matriarchal duties will decrease a great deal as well.  If all goes as planned, I'll be able to combine my duties in an enjoyable manner: the kids can swim at the beach while I find a nice shady spot to study.

The Wall

For the past while I've barricaded myself behind a big, strong wall.  Figuratively speaking, of course.  About two months ago, something happened that hurt me immensely.  Although the event in and of itself was hurtful, it was also one of many similar events that had occurred over the past half year and it ended up being the straw that broke the camel's back, as it were.  Only it wasn't the camel's back that broke, it was me.

In order to protect myself from further pain, I built myself a grand fortress in which to live.  I did not want to let myself be hurt like that again and a wall seemed the only way to go about it.  Having lived within the confines of my fortress for the following couple of months, I've learned a few things.

I learned that living in a state of permanent defense and fear is not a good way to live.  While my wall was built to keep out certain events and keep certain people at a distance, it ended up negatively affecting all of me and all aspects of my life.

I learned that if anyone tries to break down my wall or tries to suggest I take it down, the more steadfastly I hide behind it.  If I'm going to let down my defenses, I need to do it of my own accord and in my own time.

I learned that although in some ways I feel protected, a wall does not stop others from acting as they will and does not stop me from having to react to those actions and deal with the consequences.  My wall does not stop the world from turning.

I've realized that living in my fortress - no matter how grand and well-constructed - simply is not the best way to go through life.  I need to find another, better way to do it.  I'm not quite ready to completely give up the protection it provides, and in my current situation I doubt I ever will be.  Perhaps, instead of building a fortress in the midst of danger, I just need to live in a safer place.

Cheers

Let's talk about something positive for a while, shall we?  I'm sure you've noticed I have dramatic mood swings and there's a lot in my life at the moment that pulls me down -- very, far down, sometimes -- but there are also a few things in my life that keep me going and are thoroughly positive influences on myself and my mood.  Today I'm going to focus on just one of those: exercise.

Since about February, I've been going to the gym regularly.  I have always tried to stay in shape/exercise/be healthy but due to all the other stuff going on, I had let my gym membership lapse and was noticing the effects on both my body and my self-esteem.  So, I joined the gym again and even went so far as to hire a personal trainer.  I eased myself back into a routine of working out, which included seeing my trainer once a week.  After a couple of months, we bumped it up a notch and I now see my trainer twice a week and hit the gym another couple of days on my own.

Not only do I really, honestly love working out, but I am finally starting to see results!  It's so rewarding when you do something you enjoy and have the added bonus of doing something good for yourself at the same time.  There's also a great sense of accomplishment when I'm able to add more weight to the stack or realize I can do things I never thought I could (push-ups!).

So, here's to exercise, the mood-boosting seratonin it releases and the self-esteem-boosting body I'm building! (And another cheer to my trainer, who is helping me get there).

Understanding

I am terrible at explaining myself.  We all know I've been trying to access my emotions and express them better, which I think has been going ok -- I think there's been an improvement, at least -- but it seems I still fail miserably when trying to explain myself.  It's one thing to say this is how I feel but it's quite another for me to explain why.

So, I suppose it shouldn't be any wonder when I feel that some people Just. Don't. Get. It.

I've tried explaining.  I've tried repeating.  I've tried, really I have.  And despite it all, and despite all the assurances about how accepting they are, what they end up telling me is how I should feel.  That if I would just change how I feel, everything would be better.  What they don't seem to get, despite all my attempted explanations is that a) I can't just change how I feel and b) I do not think that changing how I feel would be beneficial for me in any way.  

Why don't they get that?

Suspense

I am hanging by a thread.  I'm not sure how it's able to hold my weight plus that of the burden of these thoughts I am presently carrying.  It's a precarious position to be in and I'm not sure if, or how long, this thread might hold.  Or what will happen should it break.  On the one hand, disappearing might not be a bad option -- it would be the easiest way to escape the choices I must face.  On the other hand, it's really not a feasible option and not one that would help me reach my end goal of Happiness.  There are difficult decisions I must face and eventually come to a conclusion about.  However, in the meantime, while I carefully consider the costs of each, I dangle over a great abyss, wondering when I'm going to fall.

Good Times

This past weekend, I had the immense pleasure of having out-of-town guests come to visit.  Having just survived a couple of rough weeks, I really wasn't in the best shape to be having company but given that the guests were my BFF and her two darling daughters, I wasn't too horrified that my house and my being were not in perfect shape.

They arrived Friday night and left Sunday afternoon and in between we did a lot of, well, nothing: we hung out, ate, chatted, the kids played. 

Saturday evening, however, found us at a ceilidh, where I was taking part in a highland dance performance and to which the rest of the family and the visiting friends got dragged along to watch.  I was expecting a much more welcoming kind of party in which we, the performers, and our guests could also participate.  Alas, this was a much more formal affair so there wasn't much for us to do.  Luckily, the wee ones found a table with colouring pages and a man who made balloon animals so their evening was a complete success.  The rest of us had to do without the balloons, but I always love to dance so I ended up enjoying myself as well.

Since the party was uninviting, we were home relatively early, leaving us the rest of the night to have a girls night with my BFF, my daughter (age 9), my host daughter (exchange student, age 18) and her friend (age 22), who is staying with us for a few weeks.  We two older girls broke open a bottle of wine and the five of us proceeded to spend the next few hours playing Dance Dance Revolution and Band Hero on the Wii.  Much laughter ensued.  Eventually, the younger 3 girls decided it was time for bed, leaving BFF and me to try to polish off the second bottle of wine.  Despite our earnest efforts, fatigue got the better of us and we, too, toddled off to bed before the bottle was empty.

All in all it was a great weekend and I think I can honestly say that I had more fun Saturday night than I have had in months.  Good, honest fun and laughter are magical and their restorative powers are not to be underestimated.  I'm still a far cry from being in a permanently happy place, but at least for one night I was able to forget about my troubles, turn my thoughts to the smiles of those around me and let the good times roll.