Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

I used to be a social being, possibly to the point of excess.  In my younger years, between school, work and my social life, the only time I spent at home was sleeping -- of which I did precious little.  Even as I grew older, I maintained a fairly healthy social calendar.  When I moved to Germany and didn't really have any friends, I still went out frequently.  I never let the lack of a social network deter me so I went to movies and to dance clubs (discos, as they are called there) alone.  As recently as a few years ago, I still maintained a steady habit of going to movies or out for drinks with friends, even though I got strange looks from the other moms as to why I went out with my friends "so often".  I never questioned it - that was just a part of who I was.

It dawned on me lately that I haven't been to see a movie in at least 6 months (aside from, perhaps, a film or two with the children) and I haven't been out with friends more than once or twice in the same time period.  I just don't go out anymore.  It's not that I don't have friends, I just don't make much effort to contact them or make any initiative to see them.

At school, while I am slowly getting to know some of the other students (I am actually quite shy so this is work for me even at the best of times) I have lunch alone.  My husband can not understand this.  In the same situation, he would know everyone by the end of the first day and would have lunch with a crowd every day of the week.  He is a pro at networking.  I am not.  However, I also used to be much better at putting myself out there than I currently am. 

So, I'm not making new friends and I'm not going out with my old friends, both of which are fairly unusual behaviours for me.  The question I asked myself, naturally, is "why?" and the only answer I could come up with is that I just don't think I'm very good company for anyone.  I find it incredibly difficult to put on a happy face for any length of time so unless I'm with the few friends I have who don't expect that of me, it's just way too much effort to be around other people.

While I don't mind seclusion and being solitary every once in a while (it IS good for the soul), this is getting to be a bit much.  I hope things turn around soon - or even eventually.  I kind of miss having fun.