Too Much to Do

A few months ago, I wrote about wanting to do it all.  I have a multitude of things going on and I love all of it.  My parents recently came to visit and my mother marvelled at how I can possibly do as much as I do.  It's been rather a slow realization but I've finally concluded that I actually really am trying to do too much.  I really can't have it all.  And stay sane.

As my workload at school has increased (with major exams looming in the not-too-distant future) and as the stress and mess of my home life has multiplied logarithmically, I have decided that I need to cut back on my extra-curricular activities.  Something meant to be fun should not cause me stress. Some of this has been naturally occurring due to a grand lack of free time (you may have noticed I haven't posted here in a while...) but I've also decided that in order to refocus more my energy on the things that are really important, a few other things will have to go on the back burner.  At least for the time being.

In addition to the everyday duties of being the family matriarch, this is how I've arranged my priorities:

1. School (homework and studying) is being bumped up into top position.  It was already there, but I do really need to put in more time and effort than I have been.
2. Life.  After living in the US for nearly 7 years, I finally got myself a SSN this week (better late than never, right?).  This is the first step in becoming an actual person in this country.  With the golden ticket in hand, I can now go ahead and do other things to establish myself here in proper fashion (renew my driver's license, get a work permit, etc.).  
3. The Gym.  Not only do I love going, I also love my trainer and I love the results.  I also love that working out is such a great antidote to depression (along with the St. John's Wort supplements I've been taking -- I'm so much more stable!).
4. Guitar Lessons.  Since I'm taking them together with my daughter - on the rare occasion I'm not in school on a Saturday - and since practicing requires less than a half hour a day, I'm finding it easier to squeeze in.
5. Dance.  While I had been trying to make this a top priority and work towards a competition, I've realized that it was just causing me way too much anxiety.  This is something that, from now on, will have to remain something that I do for fun whenever I have the time to do it.  No need to stress about regular lessons or competitions -- I'll get to lessons when I can and perform when I can work it into my schedule.
6. Writing.  Whenever I have a  few free minutes. something to say and the wherewithall to say it coherently, I shall continue to write.  It likely won't be often, but I hope to find some way to put my thoughts down somewhere.

So, really, that doesn't look too bad.  And with the kids getting out of school for the summer in a few weeks and some of their regular lessons/activities ending for the season, my matriarchal duties will decrease a great deal as well.  If all goes as planned, I'll be able to combine my duties in an enjoyable manner: the kids can swim at the beach while I find a nice shady spot to study.

The Wall

For the past while I've barricaded myself behind a big, strong wall.  Figuratively speaking, of course.  About two months ago, something happened that hurt me immensely.  Although the event in and of itself was hurtful, it was also one of many similar events that had occurred over the past half year and it ended up being the straw that broke the camel's back, as it were.  Only it wasn't the camel's back that broke, it was me.

In order to protect myself from further pain, I built myself a grand fortress in which to live.  I did not want to let myself be hurt like that again and a wall seemed the only way to go about it.  Having lived within the confines of my fortress for the following couple of months, I've learned a few things.

I learned that living in a state of permanent defense and fear is not a good way to live.  While my wall was built to keep out certain events and keep certain people at a distance, it ended up negatively affecting all of me and all aspects of my life.

I learned that if anyone tries to break down my wall or tries to suggest I take it down, the more steadfastly I hide behind it.  If I'm going to let down my defenses, I need to do it of my own accord and in my own time.

I learned that although in some ways I feel protected, a wall does not stop others from acting as they will and does not stop me from having to react to those actions and deal with the consequences.  My wall does not stop the world from turning.

I've realized that living in my fortress - no matter how grand and well-constructed - simply is not the best way to go through life.  I need to find another, better way to do it.  I'm not quite ready to completely give up the protection it provides, and in my current situation I doubt I ever will be.  Perhaps, instead of building a fortress in the midst of danger, I just need to live in a safer place.

Cheers

Let's talk about something positive for a while, shall we?  I'm sure you've noticed I have dramatic mood swings and there's a lot in my life at the moment that pulls me down -- very, far down, sometimes -- but there are also a few things in my life that keep me going and are thoroughly positive influences on myself and my mood.  Today I'm going to focus on just one of those: exercise.

Since about February, I've been going to the gym regularly.  I have always tried to stay in shape/exercise/be healthy but due to all the other stuff going on, I had let my gym membership lapse and was noticing the effects on both my body and my self-esteem.  So, I joined the gym again and even went so far as to hire a personal trainer.  I eased myself back into a routine of working out, which included seeing my trainer once a week.  After a couple of months, we bumped it up a notch and I now see my trainer twice a week and hit the gym another couple of days on my own.

Not only do I really, honestly love working out, but I am finally starting to see results!  It's so rewarding when you do something you enjoy and have the added bonus of doing something good for yourself at the same time.  There's also a great sense of accomplishment when I'm able to add more weight to the stack or realize I can do things I never thought I could (push-ups!).

So, here's to exercise, the mood-boosting seratonin it releases and the self-esteem-boosting body I'm building! (And another cheer to my trainer, who is helping me get there).