Words

You might have noticed I've been pretty quiet.  Lately, the words just haven't been there.  It's a strange feeling for me, to be wordless.  It's not unusual for me to have nothing to say -- I always have a hard time expressing myself out loud -- but it is unusual for me to have nothing to write. 

This last curve ball that Life threw at me (see previous post) really messed me up.  For the first few days all I could do was cry and for the next week or so, I would end up in tears over just about everything.  Initially, I cried because of the news: I worried about the one with the cancer diagnosis and about her children.  I speculated on what might happen in a worst-case scenario.  I also cried because I felt like I'd been given more than I could possibly handle.  I just didn't see how I'd have the strength to support her and those I love when my own life is such a mess, especially considering I have very little support myself.  At least if I had people to lean on and/or people who could boost me up both physically and emotionally (more than one or two who live out of town), I would feel a little bit stronger.  Alas, that is not the case and once again, I was left on my own to muster courage and fortitude from whence I believed there was none.

I'm still pretty fragile but there has been some good news to boost morale: the first chemo session went better than expected, with few side effects.

Also, I had a job interview and was invited to another interview (which I turned down).  The interview was my first in about 15 years, so a bit nerve-wracking, complicated by the fact that they forgot about me.  By the time I came back on their radar, we only had about 5 minutes to have a quick chat.  I got invited back for a second interview in a week and a half so we'll see what happens.   Being forgotten about definitely didn't help lessen the general feeling I have of being invisible, but I'm trying not to dwell on it.

Another ironic happenstance of the past couple of weeks is that while I have been struggling to find my own words, I finished reading "The Book Thief" by Markus Zusak.  If you haven't read it yet, you should.  Not that the story is all that spectacular.  (It's good, but I found it a little slow.)  However, what that man can do with words is absolutely phenomenal.  I found myself reading, not to know what would happen next, but to find out how he would say it.  And what I learned about myself is that a well-turned phrase really does make me weak at the knees. 

So, it's been a tumultuous couple of weeks but at least I've finally been able to write down a few haphazard thoughts.  The words have not come easily today but at least I was able to write something -- and that always helps.