Existentialism

It's unusual for me to become philosophical, but today I have been pondering nothing less than existentialism.  Wikipedia explains that "in existentialism, the individual's starting point is characterized by what has been called "the existential attitude", or a sense of disorientation and confusion in the face of an apparently meaningless or absurd world."  Wikipedia goes on to say that "the individual is solely responsible for giving his or her own life meaning and for living that life passionately and sincerely^, in spite of many existential obstacles and distractions including despair, angst, absurdity, alienation, and boredom."

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how I came to this topic.  For the last while, I have been the poster child for "the existential attitude", without knowing there was a name for it.  Furthermore, my life is full of the above-mentioned "existential obstacles and distractions".  I'm not saying that my life is any worse than anyone else's, only that I seem to be having more trouble than most in getting past those obstacles.

It's so very difficult to find meaning in a life that is so full of despair.

I spent a large part of my waking hours today wondering what the point of it all is.  It seems that I spend most of my days filling time; wasting away the hours until another day is past.  And then I do it all again the next day.  Today I just couldn't figure out why I do it.  I have no idea what the point of my existence is.  It seems that while waiting for things to happen - ironically, so that I can move on - I have completely lost my purpose.  My world has become meaningless.  And hopeless.

Wikipedia defines despair as "a loss of hope^.  Despair in existentialism is more specifically related to the reaction to a breakdown in one or more of the defining qualities of one's self or identity. If a person is invested in being a particular thing, such as a bus driver or an upstanding citizen, and then finds his being-thing compromised, they would normally be found in state of despair—a hopeless state."  Oh look, I'm the poster child for despair, too.  It feels like my entire life has broken down; that almost all my being-things have been compromised.  Everything my life was - and everything I was - has been turned upside down.  I have nothing left to fall back on, nothing to go back to, and very little to hold me where I am.

The challenge it seems, is to move beyond the despair and find hope and meaning.  Apparently, I am solely responsible for finding meaning and creating my own passionate and sincere life.  It's just that, most of the time, I really have no idea how to that.  I wonder if Kierkegaard left any instructions...