Fears

I had a bit of an epiphany today.  Or maybe it was just a moment of clarity.  Whatever it was, the realization was this: I live in a constant state of fear.  I can't think of one aspect of my life that doesn't currently terrify me.  Home, work, otherwise -- there's no reassurance and no safety.

I am scared of my husband, both getting close to him and distancing myself from him.  I am scared of what effect my current emotional state is having on my children and I am afraid that no matter which decisions I make, they will negatively affect the children.  I am scared to invest in my career, lest I lose it all.  I am afraid to dream and to make plans, because I am scared they will be taken from me and I will be left with nothing.  I am afraid that I will have to move soon (again) and start all over (again).  I am afraid that I won't ever have a real income, that I will never be able to support myself (and my children) and that I will always be dependent upon someone else.  I'm afraid that I will always be invisible and lonely.  I am afraid I will never have anyone to love me and be with me the way that I've always hoped.

I am trapped behind these castle walls, alone and frightened and unable to escape.  My fortress is surrounded by fire and I know that there is no white knight on his way to save me.