Things are Good

I talked to my Doctor today. Since we just moved here, this was only the second time I've seen him but I must say that I really like him. Nice guy and very thorough, which is a good combination for a doctor. He's kinda cute, too :) Anyways, today we were discussing how I am feeling. I'd weaned myself off the antidepressants & he wanted to make sure that it went well and that I was feeling ok. So I told him, "things are good" -- because they are.

Which is kind of weird for me. It's been a long time since I've felt this positive about Life in General. Of course, not everything is perfect, but I like where I am and that I can see that I'm headed in the right direction. Finally.

I'm crazy busy, which I love. I'm probably not as productive as I could be but I'm getting better at using my time efficiently. And, now that I've gotten my work life moving and sort of under control, I can start to work on my personal life. Like joining a gym, which I did today, too. It's been 16 months since I last exercised regularly and I hate the flab and the 15 lbs that have appeared since then. My birthday is in 3 months and I intend to be fitter and 15 lbs lighter by then. Go me!

While I was sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's office, there was a woman beside me reading a huge text book. I realized that I really miss being in school. I miss learning. I went to a seminar on the weekend, where I learned some business skills to make my jewellery business more successful (and, also, my reiki business if I choose to apply what I learned there). While that was interesting & sort of fun, it wasn't, well, formal education. And that's what I miss. Maybe I'll have to look into taking a continuing education class or something. Hmm...

And, yes, I realize that this is what I do.  That I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person. Either I am completely unmotivated and do nothing, or I get motivated and want to do everything. I know my plate is kind of full already with 2 kids, 2 businesses, and I really do want to paint/fix up my house so I should probably leave well enough alone. But I just really do enjoy going to school...

I haven't given an update on the cancer front but things are even pretty good there, too. My Dad finished his treatment (chemo) in January and had colostomy reversal surgery today. He was *so* looking forward to getting rid of that stupid bag -- and I can't blame him one bit. Hopefully he will heal quickly and will be back to his regularly scheduled golf program this summer. My sister is still on chemo. It's been over a year now and she is, quite simply, exhausted. The cancer itself seems to have stabilized for now, but it's still there so she's still undergoing treatment. She's lost 20 lbs, which is great, but as she said, there are better ways of losing it.

What else? I am looking forward to a bit of a holiday next week as my kids go spend March Break with their Dad in Mexico. I don't have any extravagant plans but I would like to spend a couple of days visiting people and trading work with all my healer-type friends (massage, reiki, CST, chiropractic, Bowen, esthetic, etc). I am, of course, fairly nervous about sending my kids off on an airplane alone but given that they've flown (domestically & internationally) more than most adults, I'm sure they'll be fine. 

And I think I can say with some certainty that I will be fine, too. I've been telling myself that for the past few years but now I'm starting to believe it.

Learning Curves

It's been a little over a month since I've written but it has felt much, much longer. I've often thought about writing but just haven't made the time. My schedule is rather chaotic and I'm having trouble balancing the things I need to do with the things I want to do. There's a learning curve as I try to figure out how to function with so many things to do on my list. I also need to learn to combat my 'double Gemini' spontaneity: I get very easily distracted. Doing one thing makes me think of another thing, so I start doing that, which leads me to another thing and soon I am working on a dozen things at the same time but really not getting anything finished. Some days I resort to making lists. I generally don't like lists but I think they do help me stay on track -- or at least help me return to the track I started out on.

I think I'm going to have to start making a daily schedule as well. The thought of this horrifies me. I've spent most of my adult life doing what I want when I want so the thought of having a plan feels rather constricting. Lately, though, I've been thinking that I actually do need a bit more structure in my daily life. I need to make some new habits -- mainly so that I can fit in the things I want to do (like writing, yoga, being social) into my day along with the things I need to do (work, house cleaning, grocery shopping).

Both jobs have provided me with more than enough things I need to do in the past month. My jewellery business got off to a great start: I had 4 shows in my first month. One of them wasn't overly successful, two were average and one was great. I've been learning a lot. Unfortunately, I don't have any more shows on my calendar. That's the hard part of this job: booking trunk shows. I have a couple of leads for shows in April, which is great, but nothing between now and then. I obviously need to get out there and talk to some people, which really isn't my forte. But that's kind of what I like about it -- it forces me out of my comfort zone and makes me be a little more outgoing and assertive than I would otherwise be and which I need to be in all aspects of my life.

The jewellery company I represent has a great team and they have tons of support options set up to teach me how to be successful. The great thing is that I can also use this knowledge to apply to my reiki practice. The services & products are completely different but in the end, I have to focus on selling myself and what I do. I'm learning a lot, growing and changing and hoping that it will all lead to success.

My reiki practice is getting off to a slower start. I still don't have any clients. I have been trying but to no avail. I even gave away a whole bunch of free half-hour sessions but none of those people have contacted me yet. So strange. I also went to a networking evening a couple of weeks ago. Networking is *so* out of my comfort zone! I am really not good at small talking to strangers. I ended up having a moment with myself in the ladies room as I seriously considered leaving about 15 minutes after I had arrived. It was so hard for me to put myself out there, introduce myself and talk to all these people! But I stuck it out and ended up meeting some nice people and even got a couple of leads. I will have to continue to go to these kinds of things, as it seems that's how business gets done in this town.

Speaking of this town, we hit our 6-month anniversary a couple of weeks ago. It's hard to believe we've been here that long already but at the same time, we are definitely feeling much more settled. Not that any of us wouldn't move back to our former home in an instant, but it's not so bad here either. I'm even starting to meet some more people and make some friends!

I have also been learning a lot about Ontario divorce laws and procedures. This has been another learning curve and another long, slow process as I try to figure out how it all works and what the best options are. This has lead to some difficult conversations and I need to make some difficult choices. Things are moving slowly but in this case, I think that's probably a good thing.

It has taken me far too long to write this little update. I am obviously out of practice. I will attempt to write more often but for now I need to go shovel some snow and get on with the rest of my day.

Moving Fast

It's been a crazy week! So much is going on and I've hardly slept. Things are happening on so many fronts simultaneously. Or maybe it's just that *something* is finally happening, which, compared to how stagnant things have been for so long, it just feels like so much is happening.  At any rate, if the past 2 weeks are any indication of how this year is going to go, then I am SO looking forward to 2013! It promises to be a *much* better year.  Undoubtedly there will be struggles but there is also hope of so many more successes!

I last wrote after my meeting with the lawyer about setting up my new company.  We ended up hitting a bit of a plateau as we struggled to find a business name that wouldn't conflict with any other previously established company.  We finally managed to find one and can now move ahead. I should have all the papers signed by the end of the week. I am so looking forward to getting this off the ground!

In addition to starting my Energy Wellness practice, I also decided to start a second business - simultaneously. I sometimes wonder if I am, perhaps, insane. Again, I'm just really excited about this, too: I have become a stylist for a company that sells jewellery online & at home parties. I love the jewellery so it wasn't too hard to decide to sell it. I also figure that this should be a bit easier to start up as this business is already established and I should have a great support network to get me going. This will also provide me with a great way to meet a ton of new people in town so that I can "advertise" for my energy wellness business and maybe make a few new friends while, hopefully, making some money in the process.

I haven't been able to sleep because I've just been so excited about both businesses and all the things I want to do and should do and need to do. I'm actually really looking forward to being busy again. I'm not sure if it works this way for everyone, but if I am busy I get way more done than if I'm not: busy = productive = increased self-esteem. Plus, in both businesses I get to help people feel good, albeit in different ways.

On another front, my husband and I finally seem to be moving out of the relationship purgatory we've been in for a very, very long time. It may not be in the ideal direction but at least there is movement and I believe we will both be happier for it.

Also, my Dad is finishing up his chemo treatment this week and has his colonoscopy reversal surgery scheduled for the beginning of March. I am so excited for him! This last 6 months have been really hard on him (he's had nothing but trouble with the colonoscopy bag/attachment site) and we are all looking forward to him getting put back to rights and, hopefully, regaining his previously active lifestyle.

While on the topic of cancer, my sister has been back on chemo for the last couple of months. What with Christmas and the Holidays, I haven't talked to her about her schedule so I'm not really sure what the current treatment plan is. But, basically, she's doing pretty good. I kidnapped my nieces for a week after Christmas and gave her a nice break, which I hope helped her get some rest & relaxation after all the holiday hoopla.

I also decided I need to start working out again and went to a crazy hard fitness class with my neighbours. No doubt it would get me in shape in no time but a) I don't really enjoy it and b) I can't really afford it. I've signed up for a free trial week so I can try the class another time or two and look into their gym facilities (and those of some other local gyms) and hopefully find something that fits my needs & budget. It felt good to work out again. I knew I missed the exercise, but it wasn't until I was working up a sweat, muscles aching, swinging a sledgehammer at a tractor tire, that I realized how much I really do *need* to work out regularly. It's such great stress relief! Not to mention the added bonuses of controlling depression and losing weight/looking better. I really must get back to it.

So, as I said, there is lots going on. This year has certainly started off in a rush of excitement and positivity for me. I'm looking forward to seeing how it will all develop...

Progress

Happy New Year!  Three days in and so far, things are going well.  I've been energized to finally start doing some redecorating and small projects around the house, I seem to be more in touch with my feelings and with expressing them (and myself in general), and I made a major step in starting my business here.

Over the past few months, I have been taking small, steady steps toward establishing my reiki and energy balancing practice here in my new surroundings.  I've done preliminary investigations, talked to a few people, taken a seminar on new business, and today I met with a lawyer who will go ahead and set up my business.  I should be legally incorporated and ready to accept clients by the end of the month.  There are still a few things I will need to do in the next couple of weeks (establish banking & accounting) but I feel like I have finally gotten the ball rolling.

And it's so damn exciting!!!

My meeting with the lawyer was inspirational in many ways.  Not only is he playing a key role in getting me started but he seemed like a great guy who is very involved in the community and giving back.  He volunteers and gets involved, he knows a ton of people and he's very big on referrals.  With any luck, he'll send a few clients my way and, more importantly, he's pointed me in the direction of a community organization I may want to get involved with (good for the community and, possibly, my business).  He also pointed out that although the city is fairly large (approaching 400,000 people), it still does business the small-town way: by talking to people and through networking and referrals.  He is also involved with the local Small Business Centre (which is how I found him) who host a monthly networking meetup and who are currently running an annual new venture competition, both of which he urged me to participate in - and which I plan to do.

I haven't felt this energetic and content in a long time.  I love that things finally seem to be moving - and going in the right direction.  Let's hope this is going to be the trend for the year, in which case I will heartily welcome 2013!

Interruptions

I spent a few days with my family over Christmas this year: 2 with my parents and 2 with my sister and her family.  The last day with my parents was very stressful.  It was Christmas day and we were all there for dinner and, as I've reported before, my mother freaks out and oozes stress and anxiety, which then causes my father to become annoyed and by dessert the whole affair is less than festive.  I am getting used to this new family dynamic even though it's not an ideal way to spend time together.  However, it was what happened later that evening that really sent me spinning and made the pathology of so many of my behaviours so much clearer.

My mother & I crossed paths on the stairs and some sort of conversation ensued.  To be honest, I have no idea now what I was saying.  It probably wasn't important but the fact was that I was talking and relating something to my mother.  In the middle of whatever it was I was saying, she interrupted to tell me that she had a weird twinge in her nose.  She then went on to say that she had no idea where she might have picked up a bug, could be anywhere, blah, blah, blah.  I literally stared at her with my mouth open.  Firstly, because she interrupted me.  Secondly, because her remarks were a complete non-sequitur to the conversation.  She asked me why I was looking at her that way & all I could say was that it didn't make sense.  This was the second time that night she'd been accused of non-linear conversation so she got upset and our conversation ended abruptly.  At that point, I cared very little that this might reflect her memory issues and the inability to follow conversation.  All I cared about was that she had completely interrupted me - without even noticing.  What's more is that I realized that she has been doing this my entire life.

Is it any wonder, then, that I have always felt like what I have to say isn't important and that nobody really wants to listen to me?  Is it any wonder that I have such a hard time talking to people?  I now realize it should come as no surprise at all, given that my own mother habitually disregarded me and what I was saying.

To make matters worse, I married a man who does the same thing.  Not just to me, but to the children as well.  I am strong enough to point out when he interrupts the children with a completely irrelevant thought but I rarely speak up for myself, possibly because I am just so used to being interrupted and/or ignored.

I'm not sure if anything will change now that I'm aware of this.  Maybe I'll be more conscious when it happens and be strong enough to continue on with what I have to say.  Even if I don't, I at least feel like I've won half the battle by recognizing why I feel the way that I do.  At the very least I hope to be able to forge relationships with people who care about what I have to say.  

The worst part...

...is that I am all alone in the darkness.

Darkness

It's been quite a while since I felt this way: sad, hopeless, lost.  I've been wondering most of the night what the point is to this meaningless & futile existence I lead.  I try so hard.  I'm a relatively good person.  I don't want much.  I don't understand why everything is so damn hard.  My life is completely fucked up and I am trapped in it.  I keep trying to get out but nothing works.  The changes are too small and too far apart to leave any sustainable feeling of improvement. 

As long as I live in my bubble and go about my daily activities, I can pretend that everything is ok.  But it just takes one little thing to remind me that I'm in that protective bubble and why.

Maybe one day I'll get out but at this rate I don't know what will be left of me when I do.

I'm Moving but I'm Not Going Anywhere

It's been a very busy couple of weeks.  Busy and driving all over Creation -- yet I feel like I am back to being completely stuck again.  Maybe it has something to do with the changing seasons and the fact that I've been in my new place for 3 months now and I feel like I've made no progress at all: I still don't have a job.  I still don't have a practice/business set up.  I am still completely dependent.  Yes, I've been trying and yes, I've taken a few steps toward getting where I need to be but I'm not getting anywhere and it's just so frustrating!

I also frustrate myself because I can't seem to ever think of the things I should be doing until late at night.  I am such a night owl that my brain really doesn't seem to function at all during the day.  It's probably also years of bad habits: I'm so used to doing nothing that it's hard to stop doing that and find things to do (even when there are plenty of things to do).  I get so mad at myself for wasting so much time, yet I can't seem to change my ways.  I know it takes time but I'm just so impatient.

Which is why I feel so stuck -- because I'm impatient.  I want a better, happier, more fulfilling life and I want it NOW, damn it!

I wonder if some of my impatience is also partly based on fear that maybe I don't have time to wait.  What if something happens between now and then?  I know big changes should happen slowly but what if it takes so long that I never get there?  (These would be the thoughts caused by being confronted with Stupid Cancer all the time.)

I think one of my problems is that when I get frustrated on my journey, I tend to stop instead of working harder/pushing onwards.  I do end up continuing on eventually but it takes me a while to regroup.  And maybe that's ok.  Maybe it's just my lack of self-esteem that makes me think that's the wrong approach. Maybe I've just been told too many times that I'm doing it wrong.  Maybe I'm too used to having too many expectations and too much pressure put upon me to achieve things that I feel inadequate when I take it slowly.  But maybe it really is ok to just do things my way -- as long as I get there in the end.

Stupid Cancer, Part 10

My cousin passed away on Saturday after a long battle with cancer.  She was 54 and left behind her son, his wife and their two beautiful daughters (aged 3 & 6 or so); her boyfriend; her parents; her brother, his wife and their two daughters; countless friends and relatives.  Her father (my uncle) recently turned 86 and pointed out that it's not right that he's still here and she's not.

I'm still waiting to hear about funeral arrangements, which are being made jointly by her boyfriend & her family, which I think is awesome.  The boyfriend has been around for years and I wouldn't expect anything other from my family than that he would be included but I do know that's not always the case in situations like this.  Hell, even when my father-in-law died, his brothers and sisters were upset that his wife of 30-odd years made the arrangements and not them.  You just never know.

I'm getting together with another cousin tonight, who lives close by.  His parents are in town visiting so they invited us over for dinner and a visit.  It will be great to see them -- it's been years since I've seen my aunt & uncle, who are in their 80's and not well.  With any luck, they'll have some information about the funeral.

These relatives are on my mother's side of the family.  As I've likely mentioned before, my mother is not good at communicating.  This is why I still don't even know what kind of cancer my cousin had, other than it was either stomach or pancreas (or something like that).  Because even though my mother talks to her sister, she won't ask questions.  She would ask how my cousin is and get the answer, "about the same" but even though my mother had no idea what that meant, she wouldn't ask.  It's so frustrating.  Yes, I probably could have taken it upon myself to find out and ask my own questions but unfortunately my family doesn't work that way: direct communication is frowned upon.  It's no wonder I am so bad at it.

I honestly can't say I am overly sad about losing my cousin.  We were never close: she was 14 years older than me and always lived far away.  However, she was always very sweet to me and always made a point of talking to me at family gatherings.  Mostly I am sad for her immediate family, especially her son.  They will miss her tremendously.  I am also angry that this stupid disease has taken someone else before they should have gone.  My cousin was young and good and a nurse -- the kind of person who should have been around a lot longer than she was.  I am also afraid that this stupid disease will get the better of my father and/or my sister at some point and I will have to watch their slow, painful wasting away and inevitable death.  We've been pretty lucky that everything has been going so well for this long but I know the tide can turn at any time and I'm afraid of what will happen when it does.

Stupid Cancer, Part 9

Everything is going relatively well in the cancer world.  We seem to have reached a little bit of a plateau where things seem to be going smoothly.

My sister is done with her radiation treatments.  She had no side effects, other than those caused the inconvenience of having to drive an hour into the city every day.  She has a CT scan scheduled to follow up and see what the results of the treatment are but not for another 6 weeks.  In the meantime we wait.

My dad opted against radiation treatment.  It turns out it wouldn't offer too many benefits and the risks were too high.  He's still continuing with his chemo and they'll add a few more rounds of that instead of the radiation so he still has another few months to go before he's done.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but my cousin has also been battling cancer (stomach? pancreas?) for the past couple of years.  We're not close but she's still family.  Anyways, she's been going downhill lately - in and out of the hospital and such.  Apparently she's back in and will very likely stay.  I'm not sure if she's in the hospital or hospice but either way, it's not good.  Her son is 4 years younger than me and he is married with two beautiful young daughters.  It makes me very, very sad to imagine what they must be going through. 

Yesterday I went to a cancer support centre here in town.  It came highly recommended so I thought I should check it out.  It's for patients and their caregivers, friends, families, etc. - basically anyone who has been touched by this stupid disease.  They run a bunch of programs, all for free, and it's all voluntary.  They also just have people there you can talk to who have been through it themselves and who understand.  I'm not really sure what I'm looking for or what I'm hoping to get out of going there.  Maybe some new coping skills.  Maybe a place where I can let down my guard a little bit and where I don't have to be so strong.  I'm going to start with a meditation class/group and see how that goes.  They also offer yoga, tai chi, qi gong and art therapy as well as reiki and therapeutic touch sessions.  I signed up for a reiki treatment but couldn't get an appointment for a month as there are only 2 practitioners for a couple of hours each week.  I'm thinking I should volunteer my services, which seem to be needed.  I'll at least talk to them the next time I'm there.  Maybe that would be the thing I'm looking for: being able to do *something* to help...